Kiss me goodbye
by rakasklaine
Summary: Whenever real life became too much, Kurt escaped into the world of books. Even in college, the university library is his hiding place and safe haven - until the cute photography major Blaine comes and takes a photo of him. They start a journey of photography, bucket lists and the hope for better. And of course love. AU
1. 001-003

**Author's note:** This story is written as drabbles, so I will add three drabbles once a week as a new chapter. Drabbles are marked with numbers in the chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or Klaine, so don't be mean to me, please.

* * *

001 - Dad

The near silent rustle of a page turning is a homely sound for Kurt. It's familiar, safe and comfortable in a way few sounds can be. He is sitting in his corner , one of the furthest corners near the graphic arts section, between the shelves 225 and 226 with an old book in his hand and just reads. He's reading his favourite book _Eyes of ice _once again (_Oh dear God, no! _his flatmate Rachel had commented this morning) and he's just got to the part where Marie kisses her future husband for the first time when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He wouldn't answer his phone in the library, but it's his dad.

"Hey." He whispers in the phone, hoping there's nothing wrong back home.

"You are there again, aren't you." His dad asks drily but with an amused undertone. This lets Kurt relax, his dad is happy, everything is ok.

"I am." Kurt admits, kind of embarrassed but not really. His dad chuckles.

_I miss you_, Kurt wants to say but he doesn't want to make his dad sad, so instead he says conversationally "I started Eyes of ice again." Of course, he should have known saying this tells his dad - who knows him and his books better than anyone - essentially the same thing.

"Oh Kurt. Is everything OK?" Burt asks, concerned.

"Yes. Yes, everything's fine. I'm just - just homesick I guess. There is so much new and unfamiliar and though it's exciting, it's just... new." He knows his dad can understand. Burt Hummel is the kind of dad you can always count on. After his mother died when he was eight, it was just them and, even though they have had their problems, when it comes down to it they are always there for each other. Their life did change when dad met Carole and their family grew, but Kurt and Burt were always a team, as simple as that.

"You will get used to it. It will be fine. You have your Eyes to keep you company." Burt joked good naturedly but making sure Kurt heard that he does care.

Kurt humms. Even if it is a joke, it is also very much true. "I do." He pauses for a second and then continues "How are things in Ohio?" He is still whispering, of course, as he is still in the library, but his voice somehow still changes softer. The unspoken questions are clear for Burt.

"Don't worry, kiddo. I'm eating healthy and Carole is taking care of me. Things are good - even though we miss you a lot, son." This makes Kurt's heart feel a lot better and he smiles softly.

"I love you, dad." he says. Then he sighs. " I need to end this call now, I'm still in the library. Maybe I can call you later?"

"Whenever you want to, kid, I will always answer. I love you too." Burt replies. Kurt can hear his smile over the phone.

"Thanks, dad. Bye." he whispers. After Burts answering goodbye, he shuts the phone, dips his head back against the books and lets out a deep sigh. He misses them, of course, but he's in New York and in college and he has a small crappy appartment with his best (and only) friend Rachel and life seems pretty good. And, the university has a really wonderful library that he has fallen in love with, and, for whatever it's worth, he still has _Eyes of ice_ to go to when things feel hard.

He opens the book again and soon everything is forgotten as Aenor finally finds his courage to love Marie even with all the difficulties and the differences between them.

* * *

002 - Ideas

"Okay, welcome everyone for this class! My name is Theresa Kerry and this is the photography project course. This course is mainly for photography majors, but others are welcome as well, if you have all the nesessary introductory courses made. If any of you is in the wrong place, now would be a good time to leave!" the young female professor smiles brightly and her voice is cheery. A lot of the students laugh at the last comment. One student looks a little red in the face and leaves the classroom with a mumbled apology. Blaine is smiling: he feels like this could potentially turn out to be a really good course.

This is Blaine's sophomore year in college and he feels he really has found his true passion and future career in photography. He used to imagine life on Broadway or in Hollywood, being a big star, but it all changed when he took a photography class in high school. It was surprisingly easy to convince his parents that studying photography was a good idea. It seemed that after years of dreams of becoming an actor or a singer, photographer seemed like a stable and good profession for their son. So, he came to New York, the city of his dreams, and started studying in college last year, and his love for the art had not lessened. So, after all the technical and introductory courses, the prospect of finally getting to do a whole project and using his own creativity and ideas was just really exciting.

"So, we should have about 30 students enrolled for this course, we are going to go through all your names later, but first let me introduce what we are doing this semester. I asked you to bring a photograph of your choosing, where ever it may be from, magazines, internet blogs, news papers , to the class today, did you all do this?" Students are nodding and some dig through their bags to get their photographs out. Blaine has his photo already on the desk - a print-out from deviant art he found a few days ago. In the picture there is a girl dressed in a grey dress and smiling expectantly and opening the cover of a human-sized book like a door. Blaine has no idea what they are going to use the picture for, but this one just hit him in a way that not many photos do. There was just this feeling that made the seemingly simple photo manipulation something you just had to look at for a long time.

"This is a project course, which means that during this semester we will work on everyone's individual photography project and hopefully in the end of the semester you all have made a complete set of at least 10-20 photographs around a certain theme. The course will be graded based on both your final work and the process that is recorded through-out the course. Today, we will start with figuring out your theme. Before that, however, we will have a short excersise as an orientation to the class and getting to know each other. All of you have a minute to think about the photo you brought and what it tells to you specifically and what this tells about you as a person. Be prepared to introduce this to the rest of the class."

When the professor is finished, Blaine starts to really think about his chosen photo again. For him they most interesting thing of this photo is her face. She has the kind of expectant and excited smile that tells she is waiting for a new world to open for her in the book. It's like she does not know what is going to happen, but she cannot wait to find out. She has a big watch on her hand, which points out how there is no time as good as the present to go for a new adventure. It seems opening the cover of the book is like opening the door of your house, your life, and leaving the familiar for the unknown.

This is what Blaine tells the class when it's his turn to introduce himself and his photo. He has been listening attentively to the others and it seems a lot of them have wonderful and very insightful things to say about their photos. He wonders what his explanation tells to the others. After the round it seems most of the class feels really excited about the course and the expectation and inspiration is so thick that it could almost be touched.

"Thank you all, that was lovely!" the professor says smiling. (It seems she hasn't stopped smiling since the beginning of the class.) "I'm happy most of you really did use some time to find out a perfect photograph for this class. This is actually really important, because your theme for this project will be what you just told the class or a variation of that. I want to emphasize that the idea is not to use the photo itself as a theme but the thoughts and ideas that you just presented to the class. The idea is to reflect you and your own personality through the thoughts that your chosen picture gave to you specifically. Do you have any guestions?"

Some people look a bit confused and others look interested and quite a few also seem really excited. Blaine belongs to the latter category. The rest of the class is spent explaining the outline of the project,the grading and other info, figuring out what people are going to do, discussing with others about their ideas and thoughts and writing down possible outlines for their project. Blaine is not at all sure what he is going to do yet, but it seems there are endless amount of ideas swimming around him, and he just needs to look at them all closely to see which one would stick with him. When the professor announces that the class is ended, Blaine has one clear idea in his head. He needs to visit the library.

* * *

003 - Window

There is a small park next to the building, with white benches and well-kept trees and flowersbeds. There are a few people sitting on the benches and, as it is a warm autumn day, some people are also sitting on the grass reading, talking or just enjoying the sun. There is a couple sitting under a tree and they are very obviously in love, even though they try to be discreet and not kiss each other publicly. One boy has a very huge book in his arms and though Kurt can't really see, it seems to be something very important and possibly related to law or medicine or something equally boring. A girl sitting on one of the benches is talking on the phone. She grows more and more agitated when the call goes on and finally she gets up really fast, now scowling at her phone like it has personally offended her. She's not looking where she is walking and just before it happens, Kurt can see she will hit the absent-minded looking elder gentleman (obviously a professor, with that white beard and those thick glasses). Kurt sees them both start when the collision happens and then they are (seemingly, as he can't hear) profusely apologizing to each other. The girl looks very embarrassed, Kurt can almost see the red creeping on her cheeks. The professor is just flustered but he seems kind, not angry.

They all seem very small from the third floor window.

Instead of sitting in his usual corner, Kurt is standing in front of the window facing the yard, watching the every day campus life play out in front of him. It's like a theater from up there, he can follow the people but not be seen. He is insignificant in these people's lives but he can follow them as long as they stay in his sight. When they leave the park, they are out of Kurt's life again, without knowing they ever even visited. Kurt's current expression is not exactly happy, but it's not sad either, it is just peacefully thoughtful. Kurt is not feeling sad, why would he? He is enjoying the view, because it is a beautiful day and everything is so serene in it's normalcy. The only sad thing in this is the fact how small they all are.

Kurt is just thinking that he should go back to read, as this time he actually has real school work to do (_Anna Karenina_ for his Europian literature class, and he absolutely hates it already, _nothing ever happens!_), when suddenly he hears a camera shutter going off with a distinctive _click_. He turns around and the first thing he registers is the curly hair showing from behind a very fancy system camera.

* * *

**Author's note:** Eyes of ice is an imaginary book I invented for the purposes of this story. In truth, this book is very, very heavily based on the Finnish young adult fantasy novel Jääsilmä by Taru and Tarmo Väyrynen. It was the single most important book for me when I grew up, but sadly it can only be found in Finnish, so it wouldn't make sense for Kurt to be able to read the real book. Thus the imaginary one, which is basicly the same but just translated and with changed names. Also, I don't own Jääsilmä in any way or form, just sharing my love for it.


	2. 004-006

**Author's note: **I publish this chapter very early, because I had these drabbles already written, but the rest will come once a week.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Don't hate me. I mean no harm.

* * *

004 - Halo

On his way to the library, Blaine is so deep in thought that he almost doesn't notice his roommate calling his name repeatedly. Finally, the other boy decides to just hit Blaine in the back of his head. That, at least, makes him raise his head and see who it is.

"Barney! I didn't notice you!"

The guy called Barney scowls. "How many times have I told you to _not_ call me by my horrible surname?! I'm Zach_, Zach_, do you hear me?" To be fair, Blaine does call him the purple dinosaur quite often and that is a pretty valid reason to be angry with anyone after a while. Zach hates his surname with a passion seldom seen related to names. He curses the ancestors who decided _Barney_ would be a great name to leave as a legacy for their future generations.

"Okay, okay, chill! I know your first name." Blaine laughs and smiles in a way that makes you smile too, almost involuntarily, unless you are in a very very bad mood. Zach isn't, so he smiles back.

"Where are you going with that level of determination and concentration? I called your name like five times but you were so out of this world that you didn't even twitch."

" Ah.. I started a photography project course where I can finally do my own photography pretty freely and I have tons of ideas flying in my head. And I got a great idea about books, but I need to visit the library." Blaine explains with an excited smile. Zach smiles at his enthusiasm, because even though he is studying journalism and doesn't know much about doing art, he does know what getting excited about things means. He also knows how Blaine, his best friend on the campus, gets when he is enthusiastic about things.

"Okay, I see. Please go on and don't mind your poor lonely roommate. Go find your inspiration!" Zach shouts the last part from a little further away as he continues his routine jog around the campus.

"Yeah, thanks! Bye!" Blaine shouts at Zach's receding back. Then his mind (and feet) are turned back to the library again. He needs to visit the graphic arts section first to see if he can find anything helpful or inspirational from there. When he gets to the library collections, the familiar calm and hushed silence of the library comes over him and he starts paying attention to things around him again. It's always more easy for him to be lost in thought when there is constant noise around, silence makes him register what is going on.

After he gets to the further end of the second floor, he suddenly stops on his feet as if he hit an invicible wall there. He might as well have, as it definitely feels like he is hit with something, and hard. He sees a boy standing in front of a window facing the library park and watching something happen very attentively. The boy is dressed fashionably but toned down, in tight jeans and a grey cardigan with a white undershirt. His hair is styled carefully, but it's not something that takes your breath away - just a classically stylish hairdo. His face is absolutely beautiful, at least to Blaine, and Blaine thinks this might actually be the most handsome man he has seen on the campus this far. The thing that stops Blaine, though, is neither his outfit nor his outlook (even though Blaine does blush a little as a fleeting thought of what those pretty lips could do to, say, another man crosses his mind). What is special about him is the expression on his face. It is hard to read, there is a lot of emotion there, but it is nothing you could pinpoint on a continuum of happy and sad. He seems to feel something, deeply, but it's unclear what exactly the feeling is. There is an aura of utter innocence all around him, aura of detachment, like he is not part of this imperfect world, as if he is just an observer of this life form called humans. He doesn't feel real in a way most bypassers feel, even if you only see them for a second. Rationally, Blaine knows no one is angelic and faultless, but this boy sure looks so, as he watches people in the park and holds his hand against the window, as if tracing their forms through it. Suddenly the sun comes from behind a small cloud and hits a mirror behind the boy's back, making a soft glow in his hair, as if a makeshift halo to underline his purity and untouchability.

Blaine's camera is already in his hands, turned on and the lens cap off, before Blaine even notices he decided to take a picture.

The shutter of the camera is _loud_ in the silent library when it suddenly and completely breaks this silent moment of pure otherworldly magic (which it was at least to Blaine). The boy turns around fast and his eyes (_so blue, so so blue_) widen when he sees Blaine pointing the camera at him. Blaine sees all this through the lens of his camera, before he puts the camera down and the boy turns slightly smaller in his vision again.

Unlike just a second ago, this expression Blaine has no trouble of reading. It is full of surprise and shock, turning rapidly into wariness and suspicion and even fear. Mostly it is just disbelief, though, as if he can't understand how anyone even saw him in the first place. And suddenly, the boy is so very very real and solid and here. The innocence is not gone, but there is a new layer of vulnerability and unsureness on him, that wasn't there before the _click_. It's as if he is afraid of being noticed. After he turned around, he hasn't moved at all, just staring at Blaine and his camera.

Then Blaine realises he just took a picture of someone he doesn't know in the middle of a library and this could potentially not make him look very good and turn out to be a really awkward situation.

"Oh, god, sorry, I just took a picture of you without asking, and I shoudn't.. I mean, you just looked like an angel there and.. NO! I didn't mean..I mean yes, you did, kind of, but…" Blaine stammers and he turns a new, deeper shade of red with every word he gets out of his mouth. He is pretty sure anything he just said did not help at all. His normal charmer self had apparently run away somewhere. The boy looks alarmed at this and finally starts to move. He mutters something that Blaine doesn't quite catch and starts to retreat towards the shelves behind him. After a few careful steps he turns around and almost runs behind the shelves. Blaine moves to go after him, but then he realises that that is not at all a good idea and just stays where he is. Let's the bird flee.

He presses a button on his camera to see the last photo he took. He got just one, before the boy turned. The picture is probably the best he has ever taken, and it's everything he wants for his photo project. It's also something he could never use anywhere without the boy's permission - which it did not seem very likely he would get, at the moment.

* * *

005 - A beginning

It has been six days since the curly-haired boy took a picture of him in the library. Immediately after the weird moment Kurt had gone back to his place between the shelves, collected his bag and books, and left the library like there was a bomb hidden in the building. That was Wednesday. Thursday and Friday Kurt had avoided the library as best as he could, never even going near it. On Saturday he had really needed to get a book for a class, so he had gone to borrow it and brought it home.

On Sunday Kurt had started to feel kind of really stupid, avoiding the library like the boy somehow lived in there (and, even if he did, Kurt should just face it, taking a picture of you doesn't really equal to wanting to, for example, stab you with a knife or hit you with a law book). So, he had gone to his normal spot in the corner on the second floor and sat down to read for his European lit class. He had finally finished Anna Karenina the day before, thank God, and was currently reading Kafka's Trial, which was kind of interesting in a weird way. On Monday Kurt had spent his usual time in the library again, meaning his normal two or three hours between and after classes.

So, now it is Tuesday and Kurt has been sitting in his corner for an hour or so, when he really needs to visit the toilet. He leaves the book he is reading, his copy of Eyes of ice (which he has been carrying around for comfort a lot lately, like a hardcover teddy bear), his notebook and his pencil case, figuring that no one would probably even go to this section let alone be interested enough to steal them during the few minutes he will be gone. At first, when he comes back, he doesn't notice anything different. Then he sees something sticking from between Eyes of Ice, something thin and faintly glossy, right where his book mark should be.

Kurt opens it and sees a photo of himself. It's obviously a copy of the photo Curly Hair took last Wednesday, and it is unexpectedly a really beautiful photo of himself. Kurt remembers clearly (which means, the memory is clear, not the words uttered at the time) that the boy called him an angel. With the soft glow on his face and hair, he can sort of see what the boy had possibly meant, even if it seems kind of ridiculous to compare him to any higher form of being. Then he turns the photo around and reads what is written behind.

_"Hi!_  
_I'm so sorry for being so rude and taking this without asking. I swear I'm not a weird stalker, I'm just an enthusiastic photography major who forgot himself for a moment. The moment was so beautiful and I wanted you to see, so I wanted to give you this. Again, I'm sorry._  
_Blaine, the awkward camera guy"_

Kurt knows he probably should feel even more wary of the guy after this. After all, he had definitely stalked him enough to figure out where he sits in the library and waited for him to go for his toilet break to leave the photo. Whatever he says in the letter, this does seem kind of stalkerish to Kurt. But even as he realises this, Kurt can't help but to feel happy instead. He has spent a long time avoiding new people, just in case, but here is someone who had noticed him and thought him interesting and important enough to do all this. The message is cute and Kurt has to admit, the boy - Blaine - hadn't looked very scary. To be really honest, even with the weirdness of the situation Kurt had found him very very gorgeous during the short time they had been looking at each other. The words in this little letter gives Kurt the feeling of someone warm and happy and nice, not someone who he should be scared of.

Also, the whole thing just seems unrealistic, but in a good way, like it is straight from some movie or book. It is definitely something that just doesn't happen to Kurt Hummel, except that it just happened. He can't help smiling happily as he reads the note again. Kurt wonders if the boy, Blaine, is watching him right now, so he looks around, but he doesn't see anyone. He reads the note one more time and looks at the picture and he just has a feeling that this is not a singular event but a beginning of something. It feels like a beginning for something new and different and good and not so very much unlike a fairy tale.

* * *

006 - Snow White

On Monday afternoon Blaine is sitting in the university library at the first floor reading area. Unlike many other times during the last week or so, Blaine is in the library to actually study, and therefore he is in the place actually meant for reading, and not hanging around hoping to see Snow White. Snow White is the name he gave to the yet-to-be-named guy he took a photo of. The name is not because he has a pale skin (even though it kind of is) or that his hair is black (which it is not) but because he is the most ethereally beautiful guy, if not in the country, then at least on the campus, so it seemed appropriate. Also, he was always reading a book, so a fairy tale name was called for.

Blaine hasn't been stalking Snow White, exactly, meaning that he hasn't been watching him in his secret corner or following him home or anything. He has simply been hanging around the cafeteria next to the main doors or "studying" in the small reading area on the second floor in the hopes of seeing a climpse of him. Blaine refuses to believe this could be counted as stalking. No, he promised in his little letter that he isn't a stalker, so he isn't stalking. He isn't. (Even though that one time he ducked behind his table when Snow White came unexpectedly in the room was a bit of a hard moment for his denial.)

Anyway, this is probably the first time after the photo incident that Blaine has genuinely forgotten to think about Snow White, as he is immersed in a book about a famous British street artist, Banksy. He is currently examining a photo of a truly amazing painting, showing two kids with buckets and plastic spades painted in a concrete wall, and there is a "crack" painted above them looking like it opens straight to a tropical island. Then his view of the painting is covered as a folded piece of paper falls on the book. 'Blaine' is written on top of it. He turns around fast and sees Snow White with a shy smile on his lips, retreating slowly towards the exit.

There is a fight going on in Blaine's brain, debating whether he should read the note or go after him. The former wins and he opens the paper. The note is short.

"_Thank you for the photo. You are truly gifted._

_ Kurt"_

After reading this, Blaine has two dominating thoughts in his head. One, _Snow White's real name is Kurt_. And two, _I need to catch him before he leaves the building_. So, Blaine rises up from his chair pretty fast - the screech of the chair legs earns him quite a lot of angry stares - and runs after Snow White as fast as he dares while still stared down by a dozen or so narrowed pairs of eyes. He sees the boy near the main doors and catches up with him when his just outside.

"Hey, Kurt, um, wait!" Blaine half shouts when he's near enough.

"Oh.. Okay.." Kurt says, with a slightly nervous voice. He's not looking Blaine in the eyes, instead focusing on something slightly behind his head. After a little pause, he takes a deep breath and continues. "What is it?" and then blushes at the rudeness of the question. Blaine thinks his blush is very adorable.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb, I just thought to say face to face that, err, I'm really sorry that I kind of scared you and that I won't use the photo anywhere, so you don't need to worry or anything."

"Oh." Kurt's blush fades and he smiles a little. "I didn't worry, really. After the letter. The photo is really nice, thank you for giving it to me." Kurt pauses and fidgets a little as if to leave, which Blaine notices and kind of panics.

"Hey! Um. Are you busy right now?" Blaine asks, kind of awkwardly but still eager.

"No, not really. Why?" Kurt asks and cocks one eyebrow questioningly. Blaine wonders fleetingly if any facial expression of Snow White's (_Kurt's, it's Kurt, don't forget or you'll call him Snow White in his face and that wouldn't be creepy at all, Blaine_) is capable of being less that elegant.

"I was just thinking, that…" Blaine falters for a moment, before he braces himself and blurts "would you like to maybe go have some coffee with me?" First he feels like he wants to blush, but then his brave and charming personality comes suddenly back, as if it had just been on a toilet break, and he smiles widely instead. Kurt's eyes glaze over for a little while and another small smile appears.

"I- okay. Okay." Kurt says. A small break."Yeah, I can go with you." and then he blushes again. (_Seriously, Kurt? How can a _blush_ look elegant?) _After agreeing to go, it seems like there is some wall becoming thinner between him and Kurt. As if he can see the slightest side of paradise behind the concrete wall. The change is subtle, but it feels like the boy has become just a bit more present in the world and in the moment. Blaine feels like a kid with a spade and bucket, wanting to dig deeper.

Blaine mentions a small coffee shop near the campus, Kurt says he likes the place, and so they start walking towards it and it is surprisingly un-awkward and kind of nice to walk with Kurt, even if the boy doesn't talk very much and more just listens to Blaine. They speak of normal things and Blaine tells about his photography project class; then Kurt tells about his literature class and they realise they both have a lot to say about the boringness of Anna Karenina, and it all just feels natural.

"What would you like to drink? My treat." Blaine asks as they enter the shop and face the counter.


	3. 007-009

**007 - Book of Dreams**

After approximately an hour of speaking of normal things, school, themselves, likes, dislikes, Blaine excuses himself to visit the toilet and get some more coffee for them. Kurt feels a bit surreal. He just spent an hour talking to a practical stranger, who happens to be a handsome guy, and he had enjoyed himself and not once felt like escaping the place. He had been a bit wary, listening more than talking, but he didn't feel unsafe like he so often does with people he doesn't know.

Kurt knows a lot more about Blaine now, than he did before they stepped in the coffee shop. He's found out that Blaine is a sophomore studying photography and art history; he is from Ohio just like Kurt (which caused a sort of oh-my-god reaction in both of them); he likes books as well though he is not as passionate as Kurt is; he used to be the lead of his old school's glee club; he lives on the campus dormitory and some other useful information. Kurt has also found out that Blaine smiles a lot, laughs almost as much, is passionate about the things he loves, is openly friendly to people and is just overall a really nice (okay, _dreamy_) guy.

Somehow it had also got into the conversation that Blaine is gay, just as Kurt, and is currently single. Kurt doesn't really know what to do with this piece of information. Kurt feels he could easily like Blaine romantically, and someone might have made an assumption that this was a kind of almost date, based on how they (mostly Blaine, though) have been acting. There is just one problem, a big one. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to Kurt, that Blaine would be interested in him. Blaine is handsome, easygoing, happy, nice, friendly and so sure of himself - and Kurt is, well, _himself_. Besides, he saw that Blaine treats everyone in that same overly friendly way, when a friend of Blaine's came in the shop and they shared a few words before the friend had to leave. So, Kurt concludes, Blaine couldn't be flirting with him. Right?

Blaine has been gone for a couple of minutes, when another thought comes to Kurt. He figures that he will have time still, before Blaine returns with the drinks, so he takes a really old and withered looking thick notebook from his back. The word "Songbird" is hand-written on the light brown cover. The book is a bit smudged here and there and a looks like it has been opened many many times. It's the book he got from his mother on his eighth birthday, when his mother had already been more tired than usual but Kurt hadn't yet known what was to come.

/

_"Happy birthday, my Songbird!" his mom hugs him and gives him a notebook. Kurt looks at his mom's face, a bit confusedly. "This is your very own Book of dreams, sweetie." A look a comprehension comes on Kurt's face and he smiles brightly._

_"Like the one you have, mom?"_

_"Yes, just like that one. You can write all your dreams in it so you will never forget them and you can make sure they will all come true."_

_Kurt holds the book to his chest and shouts "Thanks mom! I will always keep it!" and hugs her again, with all the power he has. He gives his mom one of his new felt-tip pens and she knows what to do._

_/  
_

Kurt remembers how his mother wrote 'Songbird', the special nickname for Kurt that only she used, on the cover and how that night he filled it with dreams of new toys and visiting Disneyland. When his mother grew weaker, Kurt wrote that he wanted his mother to get happy again. When she died a few month later, Kurt wrote: "I want to see my mom again." That dream is still number one of his list - the list that he started numbering and writing only things that really mattered in. He has kept his Book of dreams updated since his mother's death, as her blessing to his life. He still wants to keep his promise to his mom, even if sometimes he feels the dreams pile up but not many of them are really going to come true. Now, though, he feels he can cross at least one dream out of the list, one he wrote when he was fifteen and dealing with being gay and very alone. He takes a pen out of his bag and crosses 'I want to have coffee with a nice guy.' He figures, even if it is not a date, exactly, his fifteen year old self would have found this a dream fulfilled.

Kurt doesn't manage to get the book away before Blaine comes back carrying their coffees and notices it.

"Songbird?" Blaine reads from the cover. "Wow, that looks like an old book." he comments with a friendly smile. Kurt wonders if Blaine can see the melancholy Kurt is feeling on his face. He thinks, maybe it's okay to tell Blaine about his mother.

* * *

**008 - Inspiration**

Blaine thinks Kurt is interesting. He is not interesting in the same way that the guys Blaine is usually attracted to, but in his own unique way. Kurt is a mystery, a mystery that Blaine really wants to solve. During the last hour Blaine has noticed that under his calm and reserved elegance, Kurt is still very much wary and a bit nervous with him. Still, there is a sense of realness in him, like Kurt is totally honest, almost brutally _himself_. Blaine can see it in Kurt's reactions, his words and his silence, how he has no pretence. Everything he seems to be, he is, even when he is holding himself back and a little wary about the situation. Besides and because of all this, Kurt is also utterly, strikingly beautiful.

Blaine knows he has been flirting during the last hour, even though he has been trying to keep it subtle. He knows Kurt is a bit scared, but he is also gay and gorgeous, so how could Blaine help himself? Blaine wants to see behind the wall around Kurt. The wall has become slightly thinner during this meeting, but there is still a lot of it left. Blaine thinks there are probably very few people who have ever seen Kurt without it. To Blaine Kurt is the kind of wild horse that needs understanding, patience and tenderness to get near to. Only very few people have skills to do it, but there is a pure and wonderful soul to find if you succeed.

When Kurt starts to tell the story of his notebook and his mother, Blaine can't help but feel this is a test. Like Kurt is testing how Blaine will react when Kurt gives him a little bit of his vulnerability. Will Blaine be condescending and think his story is not that special or worth telling? Will Blaine pity him and start looking at him differently than before? Will Blaine laugh at him? Or maybe freak out and leave him? Blaine can practically hear these questions in the small glances Kurt makes towards him while he speaks, in the way he is playing with the coffee cup in his hands, in the way his face betrays the feelings of nervousness and slight fear among the sweet sadness of his story. It seems like Kurt is preparing himself for Blaine's failure. Blaine wants to pass the test.

When Kurt tells about his mother's death and what he wrote in the book, Blaine feels indescribably sorry for the man in front of him and the little boy he used to be. He concentrates to show only attentiveness, interest and sympathy on his face, though, because he knows Kurt isn't telling this to get his pity or his advice. Kurt wants to be heard. Blaine makes sure he hears. Kurt is telling his story with detachment in his voice, keeping it light, but there is an underline of great emotion and shear importantness of the story woven in between the words.

"...so I still keep the book updated, even though some of the things in it are really silly." Kurt says self-deprecatingly with a small laugh.

"Why would they be silly?" Blaine asks with a kind smile.

"I mean, I'm not going become the president of the United States, am I? Or become a bestseller." Kurt says with a slightly rueful smile. He is joking, but there is the undertone of sarcasm that is bitter and resigned.

Suddenly a lot of things are connected together in Blaine's head to form a new picture of things. A new and wonderful idea. Kurt's mother and her advice, Kurt's bucket list kept all the time to this day, Kurt's sadness when faced with all the unfulfilled dreams he doesn't dare to believe in anymore; all this is put side by side in his brain with Blaine's photography project, his theme of leaving your comfort zone and finding the new adventures of the unknown of the outside world. And all this is then connected together by the single photo Blaine took of Kurt that day in the library, the image of Kurt with the halo of innocence in his hair watching the world outside, yearning to join it but unable to do that through the glass between. This all comes together to form the perfect photography project. Kurt_ is_ Blaine's photography project. Kurt could pick some of those silly childhood dreams and they could make them happen in a photograph: for that one frozen moment caught in a frame they could be true, and he could cross them from his list. And they could choose the more recent, less silly dreams that Kurt nevertheless feels he can't realize and make happen as well. His photography project could be the story of going out there and reaching for Kurt's dreams.

Blaine doesn't think how to deliver this as he starts blurting out his idea. He feels almost euphoric in his inspiration and need to create. He explains the idea to Kurt, speaking fast and so lost in his own world of inspiration that he doesn't notice how Kurt hasn't said anything since Blaine started talking. He doesn't notice how Kurt hasn't look at Blaine for a while, and is staring at his feet instead. How he is fidgeting in his chair and the unease is increasing in his movements and his expression little by little as Blaine talks.

"And that's what I thought we could do! What do you think?" Blaine finally turns to look at Kurt with an ecstatic smile - and notices the bordering on panic expression on Kurt's face. This makes him crash from the idealistic world of creation back to the reality. He curses himself for not thinking what he does before he does it, once again. (_Wonderful, Blaine, you are such a natural talent at scaring Kurt away._)

"I don't.. I don't know, Blaine, I just- It's all so much, I don't know, I don't think I... I don't know" Kurt ends with desperation in his voice, trying to rise from his chair, until Blaine takes his hand lightly and pleads him to sit for a while more with his eyes.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Kurt, I lost myself in the inspiration again, I didn't mean to make this sound scary to you. You don't need to do this, of course, I just thought it would be great idea and hearing about your mother's story, I think it is so beautiful and inspirational and it would really be a story worth telling. She would be worth telling. As would you, Kurt." Blaine says this with his most sincere smile, trying to convey Kurt how much he really means this.

Kurt's eyes soften when he hears Blaine speak about his mom, even if he is still most of all really uneasy.

"I don't know Blaine, it's just a lot. I think I need to go, I have studying to do, I just... I think I need to go." Kurt says, and his voice betrays his need to escape, but this time the 'I don't know' sounds like a genuine question, as if Kurt really doesn't know and it's not just a dismissal of Blaine's idea. This gives Blaine hope so he continues.

"We could just try, make one photo session and you can just see whether or not you want to do it. If you feel it's not good, we can just forget it, and regardless, I would really love to get to know you." Blaine says. "Here's my number," he takes a napkin and writes the digits on it, "Please think about it and let me know what you think." Blaine offers the napkin to Kurt with a friendly smile.

Kurt takes it, looks at it and then back to Blaine. He answers Blaine's smile, just a tiny little twitch of his lips, but it is there anyway. "Thank you, Blaine. I will think about it, I promise." With a quick _bye_ Kurt rises from his chair and leaves the coffee shop.

/

Three days later at half past ten Blaine is lying in his bed in his dorm room listening to music when his phone beeps with a new message.

_09-20-2012 22:33 From: Unknown number_

_Let's do it._

* * *

**009 - Courage**

When Kurt leaves the coffee shop, he just feels like he has to become invisible again for a while, be forgotten from the world and not be seen, because being seen right now seems complicated and scary and confusing. He goes back home and reads a book until it's almost three am and he literally can't keep his eyes open anymore. He falls asleep immediately and thus doesn't have time to think about things. Next day he goes to classes, does his homework and after that watches a movie after movie, so that he wouldn't need to live his own life for a while. When Rachel comes home she tries to talk to him, but when he doesn't answer she knows him well enough to let him escape the world. Two hours later Rachel finds Kurt's phone and drops it in his lap, with his father's ID showing on the screen. Kurt looks at it for a minute and pushes 'call'.

Kurt doesn't tell his dad about Blaine and Burt does not ask, even though he seems to know there is something going on. Kurt asks his dad whether he will ever be less scared of people and his dad tells him to be brave, because he is a Hummel and, even more importantly, he is Kurt, and both of those things make him a wonderful, strong person, who _matters_. Kurt is surprised that he doesn't feel like crying. He feels stronger, somehow. After the call Kurt drinks the warm milk that is offered to him by Rachel with a sympathetic smile. It makes Kurt realise once again how wonderful a friend Rachel truly is, despite all her pride, stubbornness, self-centeredness and plain weirdness. He hugs her tightly and later her singing from the other side of the curtain between their beds helps him fall asleep.

The next day Kurt feels brave again, ready to face his promise to really think about Blaine's idea and face all the feelings that go with thinking about it and all that has happened. Kurt cries, because he doesn't feel like a guy like Blaine could really be interested in him in any way. He cries, because he doesn't know if he could do it, be that exposed in front of another person, in front of a camera and in front of all the people who would then see the photos. He cries, because he can see in his head how the two of them would be having fun, dressing up and planning scenes, and he wants it more than anything. He cries, because just the idea of doing these photos to hold on to his mother's words is too wonderful to handle. He cries, because if he did this, sooner or later Blaine would inevitably realise how much Kurt is not worth his attention and his friendship. Kurt cries the fact that he is not enough and too awkward and so alone and so, so scared. Kurt cries, because he _want's_ but he doesn't think he _can_.

When his tears inevitably subside, he takes his Book of Dreams in his hands and leafs through it without concentrating too much on any single number or page. He sees how many of the dreams have not been crossed. He remembers his mother's Book of Dreams, the one she had shown him when he was a kid, and how many of those seemed to be striked through. The comparison makes him feel like he has betrayed his mother, no matter how dutifully he has written things in the book and carried it around. Not forgetting was only a part of the promise.

He notices that one of the pages nearer to the front of the book is torn a little, a piece of it sticking out from between the other pages. He opens the page curiously and sees dreams number 45 to 50 written with his fourteen-year-old handwriting. One in particular captures his whole attention.

_"47. I want to be a model."_

One more tear falls as he thinks how much his mother had loved him, is still loving him somewhere up there. He thinks about the pre-teen boy, who had seen a gorgeous designer jacket on Vogue and envied the man who was allowed to wear it, looking so confident with his flawless face, smiling confidently on the cover.

With a new kind of determination, Kurt digs around his jacket pocket and retrieves a napkin.


	4. 010-012

**Author's note: **I'm glad so many people are (supposedly) reading this! :) Thank you for the reviewers and followers and favouriters! I can be such an insecure writer sometimes that it really encourages me to keep writing when you tell me you are there and want more. :)

**Disclaimer**: I still don't own anything, except my own brain, so please don't hurt me.

* * *

**010 - Clairvoyant**

Blaine is really thankful for Zach, his roommate, for being late that night, because his jumping on the bed and happy whines might have made him feel embarrassed afterwards, if someone would have been there to witness them. As it is, Blaine is alone and free to celebrate Kurt agreeing to join his project however he feels like. He takes a few minutes to answer just to make sure he doesn't say anything horribly stupid to Kurt again, in his excitement**_._**

_09-20-12 22:45 To: Kurt  
Great! I'm so happy you decided to try. :) When would you have time to meet and discuss it? Maybe with a cup of coffee?_

**09-20-12 22:51 From: Kurt**  
**In the coffee shop again, tomorrow at 4pm?**

_09-20-12 22:53 To: Kurt  
Sure! See you there!_

**09-20-12 22:55 From: Kurt  
Sleep well, Blaine. :****_)_**

/

Blaine gets to the coffee shop a few minutes early, because he wants to buy Kurt a coffee. When he is there, however, he notices Kurt already sitting there, with two coffees in front of him. They exchange pleasantries and talk about nothing for a while, until Kurt takes out his notebook and opens it, a few pages from the beginning.

"I thought we could do this one first. What do you think?" Kurt smiles a bit timidly but there is a certain kind of challenge in his voice. Blaine thinks he must have chosen this one for a reason, to see what would happen. What would Blaine do?

"This is one of the first ones, it was written before my mother.." his words wander off, not wanting to say 'dead', but he doesn't seem too sad, so Blaine doesn't feel he needs to worry. Kurt points the line and Blaine reads "I want to see the future like the lady in the circus."He glances at Kurt with a smile. "Yeah, this one would be kind of hard to realize in real life, wouldn't it?" Kurt actually laughs a little, though he is still holding himself back.

"Yeah, we can do it," Blaine continues himself, "I already have an idea."

Blaine gets excited again when he starts planning the main idea for the photo and how to make it happen. They schedule to do the photo shoot the next evening in the university studio, and Blaine tells Kurt to bring some white clothes with him tomorrow, if he has any. Kurt has been a bit nervous, even if not overly so, but this makes him scoff.

"No need to worry about that. There are very few kinds of clothes I don't have as long as we are staying in the fashionable category." Blaine grins happily, eyes shining. He had noticed Kurt's carefully planned outfits - though not exaclty extravagant, they were always in fashion and perfectly fitting for the boy. It's like he wanted to fade into the masses, but wanted to do it in style.

"I don't know what I was thinking." Blaine laughed, joking good-naturedly. He congratulated himself when he got an honest and unreserved smile back.

/

When Kurt gets to the studio the next day, he is a lot more unsure and nervous than the day before. He is there and he is not telling Blaine he doesn't want to do this, yet, but Blaine can sense the boy is not very far from saying it. His eyes keep moving around like a cornered animal trying to find a possible escape route. He eyes the camera in Blaine's hand nervously and licks his lips. He is wearing white, tight jeans and a white button up shirt, all in white just like Blaine asked him. It's perfect for what Blaine has in mind.

Blaine does everything he can to make the boy relax: explains what he thinks they could do, the concept of the picture, what all the equipment are and what he wants Kurt to do. Kurt listens attentively, but his body is still tense. Blaine honestly isn't so sure anymore if this is going to work.

When Blaine takes out the candles and starts lighting them, Kurt crouches down to help. It seems it's more him needing to do something with his hands than honestly wanting to help, though. They light a dosen or so white candles and place them on the floor in a half sircle. Blaine has set a white fabric on the wall and flowing on the floor to create a backround with no lines. Then he takes a round candle holder made of class. It's tinted white, with small holes around it to let tiny rays of light come out. He lights one more candle, puts it in and offers the ball to Kurt.

He positions Kurt in the middle of the circle of candles, sitting cross-legged and staring in the candle holder like it's a crystal ball. He turns the lights off in the room and all that is left is Kurt lighted by the soft, yellow glow of the candles around him, his face lit with the small rays from the glowing ball.

And suddenly everything changes in Kurt. It's as if all the tension, worry and unease just flies away with the fluorescent lights, and all that is left is Snow White, the boy who does not truly exist to anyone else but himself, the boy who forgets he is part of the world and flows in his own ethereal form. Blaine is almost afraid to take pictures, lest he disturbs the peace surrounding Kurt, but Kurt doesn't seem to notice the clicks of the camera or Blaine slowly moving around him. It's almost as if Kurt really can see the future in the ball in his hands. It's perfect, and when it's all over and Kurt comes back, he is smiling freely at Blaine and looking like someone freed him from a cage he didn't know he was in. It doesn't last long, but it is still there when he takes his notebook and determinedly strikes through the dream in his book.

* * *

**011 - Confusions**

Kurt hasn't yet told Rachel about Blaine or the project he is starting with him. To him Blaine is like a precious, wonderful dream, and he's afraid that if he shares it, it will somehow prove to be just that - only a dream. It's hard for him to convince himself that this is really happening, that yesterday in the studio actually happened. He traces the line over the words in his notebook with a finger and tries to wrap his head around everything. It has all been so sudden.

Kurt is still a bit afraid, but he is starting to trust Blaine a bit more, especially after he got a few photos from yesterday's shoot attached to an email just an hour ago. The message said the photos are not finished yet, but to Kurt they are already wonderful. Not so much because he likes to look at himself but because they represent his mother's love for him, in a strange way, and his own thoughts and dreams being noticed. Even though it's just a silly thing he wrote with a red felt-tip pen when he was eight, it is still something that he did not believe would ever happen.

He considers crossing the wanting to be a model dream as well, but he decides against it. He thinks, maybe he will wait until the project is over. He doesn't want to make this end before it has even begun. He is still pretty convinced that Blaine will eventually realise this is not the project he wants to be doing - that Kurt is not the person he wants to do it with - but he wants to ride this dream for as long as it lasts. He owes it to his mother. And, he guesses, to himself as well. He thinks how his father used to tell him, that even the blackest clouds have silver linings. Sometimes he feels like there are nothing but black clouds in his life, but when things like this happen, he can see what his dad meant.

This is when he gets a text from Blaine, asking him out for coffee the next morning. The point Blaine makes in the message is that it's Saturday tomorrow, so a late morning coffee would be a great way to start the day. He doesn't mention anything about the project, but Kurt assumes it's something about the second photoshoot. Why else would Blaine ask him there? He doesn't really understand why Blaine thinks he is the perfect model for his project, but it still makes more sense than Blaine just randomly wanting to hang out with Kurt.

Kurt gets to the shop early again, but this time Blaine has beaten him there, and waits him with a sunny smile and a steaming cup of coffee. Kurt feels a jolt of happiness in his stomach. _That smile was directed to him._

"Hi, how ya doin'?" Blaine asks him with a grin. It sets him off a little, he just doesn't know how to do small talk, or jokes, or teenage talk.. or any friendly and social talk really. He's awkward. The realisation makes his own smile fade a little.

"Hi," he says, somewhat lamely, and sits down. He takes the coffee Blaine offers him thankfully, because it gives him a reason not to look at Blaine. Sometimes moments like this just whack him with the knowledge how much less he is than some other people around him - like Blaine for example.

He sees Blaine frown a little but his smile is back on before Kurt can pay too much attention to it. "Did you sleep well?" he asks and Kurt can't help but think that his smile is a bit too wide for a morning, even if it is a Saturday.

They speak of some casual things and Blaine doesn't seem to be in any hurry to discuss the project. Kurt starts to feel a bit confused and finally mentions it himself.

"Uhm, so, did you want to speak about the next photo shoot today?" Kurt asks, and stares at a faded stain in the table. When he looks up, Blaine looks mildly confused as well.

"Oh, did you want to talk about it?" Blaine asks, tilting his head to the side a little.

Kurt is pretty sure the same kind of confusion is showing on both of their faces. "I just - well, I just thought you wanted to meet me to discuss it." For some reason, Kurt blushes a little. _Fricking awkward_, he thinks to himself. He is desperately aware that even the tiniest blushes always show on his pale face.

"Oh." Blaine says and thinks about something for a while, with a slight frown. "No, I just thought we could meet, have some coffee and talk. You know, get to know each other." The last part is offered with a - _is that hopeful?_ - smile.

This definitely makes Kurt blush. Not because he is touched or embarrassed or any of the usual reasons, but simply because it takes him completely by surprise. He does remember Blaine saying that he wants to get to know Kurt, regardless of the project, but Kurt did not really register it before as more than empty politeness. He is dimly aware of something in his head saying that he should be scared, because this is shaky territory for Kurt, but mostly he feels mild shock and approaching happiness.

He looks at Blaine, gorgeous, well-dressed, smart Blaine who is smiling at him - and feels his heartbeat quicken just a little. He thinks, maybe, just maybe, he could like Blaine. And maybe - admittedly this is a very small chance, but still - maybe Blaine could be a person who likes Kurt back. Maybe Blaine could be the silver that makes all the clouds in Kurt's life beautiful. When they say byes in front of the coffee shop an hour later and Blaine hugs Kurt tightly without any hesitation, Kurt's heart flutters pleasantly. Something unbearably light and bubbly is crawling its way into his stomach.

* * *

**012 - Doing it wrong**

"Shit FUCK!" Blaine shouts when he accidentally knocks down Zach's almost full shower gel bottle from the bathroom sink so hard that it breaks down on the floor and spills its contents absolutely everywhere. It's Axe and it has an axe-esque super strong smell that is only good in small doses, not when the whole bottle is emptied on the floor in a small, closed room. Blaine is not even sure how it is physically possible for it to get into so many places, but the plastic bottle broke in half as it hit the wall and jumped from there to the floor, and as a result the strongly smelling goo is now covering the small bathroom rug and the whole of the shower floor.

This is really not what Blaine needed, because he is already going to be late from meeting Kurt and he _still _has to get his hair gelled. He finds an old t-shirt that they use as a rag and starts to clean the goo off the floor, because no matter what he can't leave it there or their whole room will smell of it for weeks. The small rug is a harder case to solve, but finally he just ends up wiping most of the Axe off with a paper towel and then putting it in a plastic bag to wash (or throw away) later. It's not perfect and Zach will probably be very displeased at the way Blaine handled the mess, but he just doesn't have time to do more, because Kurt is waiting him and it's already 11:57 and they were supposed to meet for lunch at twelve and his hair is still completely gel-free and _fuck._

He finally decides to just put some careless stripes of gel to get his curls tamed just a little bit and wear a hat. It's not like his outfit was ever going to be as perfect as Kurt's always are anyway. The Axe smell clings to his hands but he just has no time do anything about it. He's in a rush and in a foul mood but he can't help smiling when he realises he doesn't actually instantly remember how many times he has met with Kurt before this. This is new because he used to be counting. It's been almost three weeks since the first photo shoot. They have done one more shoot during this time (_21. I want to be the president of the USA_) and they are currently planning a couple of other ones. They have also met for coffee or lunch or just hanging out several times during these weeks and they have learned a lot more about each other.

While he half-runs towards the cafeteria they planned to meet in, Blaine thinks how much Kurt has already opened up to him, even though he still is very firmly hiding behind his wall. Blaine has seen peeks of Kurt behind it and every now and then he can't help but notice that Kurt is blushing more, laughing more at Blaine's jokes, speaking more and - most importantly - watching him from the corner of his eye somewhat yearningly when he thinks Blaine doesn't notice. It's all so very small that he is not sure if he has just been imagining it all, but he really hopes he's not, because it's very flattering and also something Blaine has been doing as well.

Blaine hasn't been quite his touchy-feely self with Kurt, which means that he has tried very hard not to hug him or otherwise touch him _every _time he wants. He knows Kurt is not a physical person and is very reserved with people in general, so Blaine wants to respect that. But, because he is Blaine, it's very hard to resist, and he ends up touching Kurt a lot anyway. It's not even that he wants to touch Kurt, specifically, he just is that kind of person who needs physical connection with people he likes and is spending time with. At first Kurt used to cringe or recoil from him every time Blaine touched or came too near to him unexpectedly, but lately it seems as if he has gotten used to it and maybe has even started to expect it. Which, naturally, makes Blaine very happy and hopeful for the future.

Now Blaine can see Kurt standing in front of the cafeteria, looking the other way. He doesn't seem to have noticed Blaine, so he just slows down and nears him quietly, wanting to surprise him. He wants to see how close he can get to Kurt before he realises him. The afternoon crowd around them makes it much easier to get close without being seen or heard so now Blaine is just a meter away from Kurt, who is still very much unaware of Blaine's presence. This is too delicious a chance for Blaine to pass, so even knowing Kurt and his reservations he desides to put his hands over Kurt's eyes and shout "Guess who it is!" in his ear, cheerfully.

He expected Kurt jumping and shouting out in surprise. He expected Kurt tearing his hands away and turning around, as well. What he didn't expect was Kurt hitting him in the chest, a few increasingly weak strikes, with unseeing eyes and then backing slowly away from him, repeating _no_ and _don't _and _please _over and over again. And now Kurt is leaning heavily against the wall of the building, eyes closed and body shaking, silent but barely just holding the words in. _ What the hell did just happen?_

* * *

**A/N:** What do _you_ think happened? :)_  
_


	5. 013-015

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Don't shoot me. :S

**Author's note: **This chapter includes some terms and descriptions of taekwondo, the korean martial arts form. I have never had anything to do this particular sport and found all my information on google, so if you are an expert, please forgive me for the mistakes I made here. You can point the inaccuracies out to me so I can try to fix them, if possible.

**Warnings:** Very slight, non-craphic description of non-connish themes (no full on rape or anything) and panic attacks. Nothing extreme, but be careful if these things bother you.

* * *

**013 - Simplicity**

For a few painfully horrible, excruciatingly long seconds Kurt really believes that Karofsky has found him again and is going to finish what he started. Is going to do what he said he would. The smell is overwhelming, the smell he always felt in his nose when he was pushed in a locker or thrown in the dumbster, the smell that was always extra strong after his football practise and a shower - the smell that makes Kurt remember what he does not want to remember or form into words even though he cannot possibly ever _forget_. It's so much worse, because Kurt already thought he was finally safe from the bullying, from the unwanted attention.

Kurt tries to hit him, he tries to push Karofsky away and Karofsky's hands are confusingly easy to shed off, but he can't think of that because he needs to escape, he needs it to stop now, he needs Karofsky to not kiss him again, not touch him again, he needs to escape. As he backs away towards the wall, with no power left to do anything else but plead, he finally looks up for just a little peek - and he doesn't see Karofsky's bulky form, he sees Blaine. Handsome, wonderful, _safe_ Blaine looking horrified and scared, holding his hands up as if to tell him that he would never do anything Kurt doesn't want to, and that he is so sorry, and Kurt just does not understand.

The smell was there but the man is not and Kurt feels a small wave of pure animalistic relief run over him, before the memories hit him again and there is no energy left in his body to do more than be silent and wait for an ounce of energy to come back, just enough to be moving again and leave this place. He feels hopelessly powerless, like all his bones are gone, like the air he breathes has barely any oxygen, like someone is piling weights on his body to make him fall underneath it. The weight makes him shake.

He hears something, vaguely registers that Blaine is speaking to him, but he cannot concentrate enough to catch what he is saying. Kurt hears the worry and the confusion, but the words make no sense. His voice is not scary, but Blaine being there makes no sense. Why is the smell there if it is only Blaine? Why does Blaine smell like Karofsky? Why? Nothing makes sense and he is still so scared and so very powerless.

He feels a tentative hand on his shoulder and he moves away as if the hand burned him. He knows, somewhere in the back of his head, that this was Blaine - _Karofsky is not here, he is not here, he is not coming for you_ - but it is too hard to prevent the instinct reaction when there is so much adrenaline and terror left running in his veins. He concentrates on simple things, like how when he breathes in, his lungs will absorb the oxygen in it, and how his blood will then take over and deliver the oxygen to his muscles and his brain. He concentrates on things that make sense, like the voices of the people around, seemingly not having a clue what is going on; the continuous sounds of individual footsteps coming closer and then getting further away again; the door opening and closing; the endless, soothing flow of words from Blaine's mouth. He concentrates on the static, on the repetition, on the natural.

After an eternally long, unmoving moment, his heart starts to slow and he feels like he can think again, that he can breathe and open his eyes and see. He looks around and Karofsky is not there. He is not there and Kurt feels like he can maybe move again without falling.

When the world comes back slowly, he realises it was a panic attack. He also starts to hear what Blaine is saying - "I'm so sorry, Kurt, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, oh God, I don't know what happened…" - and Kurt wants to tell Blaine that it is not his fault. It's not Blaine's fault that he somehow got Karofsky's smell on himself - how could he possibly have known? It's not Blaine's fault what Karofsky did to Kurt and it's not his fault Kurt is still so damaged and fucked up that he cannot handle a freaking smell without flipping out. He wants to tell that if something, Blaine helped, because it was his voice that helped him come down from the fear. But he cannot, because the smell is still there on Blaine and he cannot get closer to it anymore, he is so afraid that he will feel it again. He needs to get away from it, away from people who can hurt him, away from hands that could too easily reach him. He needs it all to be gone now so that he can let go of his fear.

He feels guilty, so painfully guilty, that he has to leave Blaine without an explanation, without a glue what is going on and thinking he did something wrong, but he cannot talk about it now. He can't even think about it now and especially not when that smell is still lurking there. He can feel it in his bones even if he cannot smell it right that moment, and he can't face it again. Kurt thinks he will make this better later, somehow he will fix this, he will explain - but not now, not today, not when he can still feel the ghost of Karofsky's hands on his body, his lips on his, his smell in his nose.

With a quiet "I'm so sorry Blaine" he turns and walks away, ridiculourly slowly. When Blaine starts to follow, Kurt says "No, please don't" again, and he knows these words are the ones he kept saying in his panic, but he hopes Blaine understands that they are not fear anymore, they are not a accusing, they are just inofrming that he needs to go. Blaine seems to get what he meant and stops following him. The sorrow and guilt in Blaine's eyes make him want to cry but he doesn't feel it, at least not yet, no tears for now, just the need to go and drown in something simple, easy and straightforward. Like the whirring of their refrigerator, or the feel of the satin of his bed sheets on his skin and the familiar pages of Eyes of ice, where he knows everything that will happen and things are always good in the end.

* * *

**014 - Master Zach**

When Blaine gets back to his room after the afternoon classes, there is a tornado of thoughts and feelings whirling in his head. There is guilt for doing the stunt on Kurt, who he knows is really reserved with people. _Couldn't you ever stop to think! It's not that much to ask!_ And there is pain for Kurt being so afraid, all because of him. There is confusion because he really does not know what actually happened. There is fear that Kurt will be gone for good this time, and self-hatred because he has probably finally managed to make Kurt hate him. _You fucking idiot! _He feels so bad for Kurt because he knows there must be something horrible behind all this. He is afraid that he will have to hear what the story behind this is and he also fears he will never get to hear it, because Kurt won't be there anymore. There is desperation and helplessness, because he wants so bad to undo what he did but he knows it's not possible. There is the desperate need to help, whatever that would be. In the eye of the whole storm is the still-standing knowledge that if he had it bad in high school, then what Kurt has gone through is obviously on another level of bad completely.

Blaine does his homework in a robot mode, not really even sure what he is doing, but at least he has stared at every word he was supposed to read, even if he did not understand a single one. He has written down words, even though he's not sure what and if any of it even makes sense. He wants to send Kurt a text or email or anything, whatever he could to make sure Kurt is alright, but he can't and he won't. He has no right, and it's Kurt's decision if he ever wants to give Blaine anything anymore. So he cleans up the bathroom, probably much more carefully that is really needed, he watches tv, listens to music, reads random web-pages, does everything he can to let time pass, as he waits for Kurt to do something.

At some point, Zach comes to the room, throwing his Taekwondo practise bag haphazardly on his bed. He sees Blaine lying on the bed eyes closed and says a happy "Hello! Master Zach is back from the bamboo forests!"

"Good for you," Blaine mutters indifferently.

"What's gotten to you?" Zach asks, frowning.

"I caused Kurt to have a panic attack today," Blaine says with a helpless voice. "I actually, literally made Kurt have a panic attack," he repeats, now more horrified.

Zach looks at him for a while, first incredulous and even amused, then more worried. "What the hell did you do?"

"God, I don't even know... I jumped on him from behind."

Zach groans. Blaine has told him a lot about Kurt, and with that he means Blaine hasn't really been not talking about Kurt for a while now, so Zach knows what kind of person Kurt is. Zach asks Blaine to please tell him what happened and so Blaine goes on with the story. Zach is momentarily distracted by the Axe part of it, but once he has checked the bathroom and noted that the rug is gone and the lingering smell only very faint, he lets Blaine continue. Afterwards he scolds Blaine a little but mostly he just feels sad for Blaine and just as sad for Kurt. They talk for a long time, and share some beer that Zach always has at hand, until they realise it's almost two am and they still have classes tomorrow. Just when they are about to turn off the light Blaine phone beeps with a new text message. Blaine cannot help the way his heart lurches as he hopes against hope that it's…

_10.12.2012 01:56 From: Kurt  
Could we please do a photo shoot this weekend?_

Blaine jumps and half-shouts to Zach that it's Kurt and that Kurt still wants to meet him, in whatever capasity it may be. Zach smiles at him encouragingly. He struggles with the letters a bit as he tries to write as fast as he can.

**10-12-12 01:59 To: Kurt  
Of course, anything you want to! Which one would you want to do?**

_10-12-12 02:04 From: Kurt  
Uh, I'm sorry for waking you up… I have another idea for this one, is it ok?_

**10-12-12 02:06 To: Kurt  
Don't worry, I was still awake. If we can manage to make it happen, then sure! What did you think of?**

_10-12-12 02:09 From: Kurt  
'I want to learn to do martial arts.'_

**10-12-12 02:11 To: Kurt  
Oh. But that's not really an impossible dream is it?**

_10-12-12 02:15 From: Kurt  
Don't worry, just forget it. Good night, Blaine._

**10-12-12 02:17 To: Kurt  
No! No, of course we can still do it, if you want to! I'm sure we can figure out something. Would Sunday be good? **

This is the point where Blaine shouts to the already slumbering Zach to wake up. He tells Zach to be free on Sunday, no matter what, and make sure they can borrow ("or rent or whatever to make it happen") the Taekwondo training place for a few hours. They need to do a photo shoot and Zach needs to teach Kurt some convincing moves for it. Zach is pretty high in the ranks in theTaekwondo club, so he's sure Zach can make it happen. Zach seems annoyed at first but when he realises it's about Kurt and that he can actually do his part to help both Blaine and Kurt, he tells Blaine reassuringly that it will happen.

"Just leave it to Master Zach!" he mumbles, cheery but already half-asleep again.

"Isn't it supposed to be Master Barney, as it's korean?"

"Fuck'u." mumbles Zach.

_10-12-12 02:19 From: Kurt  
Yeah. Sunday is fine. But only if it's not too much trouble._

**10-12-12 02:23 To: Kurt  
Of course not, Kurt. I already have an idea what we can do. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.**

_10-12-12 02:24 From: Kurt  
Thank you. Sleep well._

**10-12-12 02:25 To: Kurt  
You too, Kurt. **

* * *

**015 - Dojang**

When Kurt walks towards the Taekwondo place he's supposed to be on Sunday afternoon, he pulls his coat on tighter as the colder autumn wind makes him shiver. He has dressed too lightly and it's an unusually cold day for October. He looks at the address hastily written on a piece of paper and tries to figure out where the place is. He feels lost, because the place he is going is new, because the weather is changing and he is going to experience the winter of New York for the first time soon, and because he has no idea what he is even doing. The conversation he had with Rachel after his panic attack has opened a new door inside him, a door he is afraid of walking through but can't close anymore now that the autumn wind is blowing in. It seems to make the wind colder, as he thinks how the door was opened.

/

_"I… It's Karofsky… In our junior year, you remember those months before he transferred schools… Oh God, I don't know how to do this."_

_Rachel holds him tight when he cries and shakes. It's been ten minutes, and he has tried to get the words out, but it is so hard. There is a huge, solid wall holding them in the dark corner, that should never be opened to anyone. He has kept this in for so long, has build that wall around it specifically to keep him from ever telling anyone even in his most vulnerable, weak moments. It's like if he tells this, _he _will magically know and come do what he promised he would if Kurt ever told anyone. He is trying to push through, he is working so hard, but the wall is so heavy. Rachel hugs him even tighter and mumbles her encouragements in his ear. Just saying this one sentence seems too hard._

_"He wasn't only bullying me… he.. he… once he…"_

_And he finally said it. Let those few words come out from their prison, and it didn't feel good yet, just tiring and scary, and he couldn't say more._

_/_

Kurt is glad when he gets to the Taekwondo training place - _doj-something_ Blaine had called it. He sees Blaine in the hallway with another guy. It has to be Zach, Blaine's roommate, who is supposed to teach him a move or two so he can do them convincingly enough in the photos. The guy is wearing some sort of a white martial art uniform and is currently smiling widely and explaining something to Blaine enthusiastically, or at least there are a lot of hand movements involved. He is taller than Blaine but not unusually tall. He has dark blonde hair that is long enough to be tied back with a hair bobble. He is not traditionally handsome, though not bad-looking either, but he has a smile that gives you a friendly and relaxed vibe and his eyes have a glitter that tells you he knows how to have fun.

When Kurt gets near enough, Blaine notices him and waves enthusiastically, but there is some nervousness just under the happy surface, clearly visible. Kurt wonders if it's because of him and Blaine's guilt. Kurt is not sure about this but surprisingly he is not scared, he might even be a little curious. He smiles to the guys in greeting.

"Hey, Kurt! Great that you came! This is my roommate Zach…"

"DON'T SAY IT!"

"…Barney." Blaine finishes. Zach groans loudly and sends Blaine a death glare.

"Did you really have to?" he grumbles, but the smile is soon back as he turns to Kurt and says "Hi! You can call me Zach sahbum nim, or master Zach while we are here." He grins and Kurt already feels relaxed around the boy. He seems harmless and nice, even if he is asking Kurt to call him master. But, he guesses, it must go with the territory. "Welcome to our dojang!"

They spend the next forty five minutes in a biggish open room with a tatami floor and wooden walls. There are only small windows high on the walls. Some odd things Kurt doesn't know the purpose of are placed here and there around the walls. First Zach gives Kurt a white _dobok_ and a red belt and helps him to wear it properly. Kurt feels weirdly powerful in the uniform. Zach has brought a training dummy in the middle of the room and he shows Kurt how to stand in a proper fighting position and kick the dummy in the stomach. Kurt doesn't really master the position or the kick but in the end Zach desides that is looks close enough that it can be convincing in a photo if you're not an expert.

It is a weird forty five minutes. Zach is happy all this time, patiently showing and correcting him, and joking all the while. Blaine is sitting near the door on the floor, not speaking much anything but watching closely, unless he is fiddling with his camera, supposedly finding the right settings for the environment. He himself is quiet and serious, wanting to learn and not really feeling like joking at the moment. Doing this has brought him back to the reasons why he wanted to do this photo shoot in the first place and he wants to give it his everything.

"Okay, Blaine, your time to step in! Kurt is officially ready for action!" Zach shouts at Blaine, who hops up and gets to them quickly, looking unnaturally awkward and flustered, like this time it's him who wants to escape the place. Kurt tries to smile to him a little, to say that it's okay. Blaine seems to shake himself as if to prepare for a run and then takes his camera and starts pointing Kurt around in his usual way. Kurt can feel Blaine is still tentative but now he has direction and they can do this.

Kurt starts to kick the dummy and Blaine starts clicking the photos. Sometimes Zach points out some mistakes he does but mostly they do it in silence. First Kurt concentrates to make it look good in the photos. After a minute, though, Kurt kind of forgets that this is supposed to be a photo shoot and consentrates on thinking it's Karofsky standing there, Karofsky who dared to touch him without permission, it's his best friend who sold Kurt's biggest secret for popularity, it's every person who has ever tormented him and made fun of him, it's the whole world for being unfair and letting him down at every corner; and it's his own weak self there that he wants to kick for being so pathetic, always letting all those people put him down, always running and hiding. He sees his own face on the dummy like in a mirror and kicks and kicks. Somehow there are tears falling down his face and he forgets the correct ways and just kicks and hits the dummy and lets out tiny shouts, almost sobs, but so desperately angry. He cries, but these tears are him fighting, not running, they are him trying to stand up, not him falling down.

When he suddenly feels like there is no real fight left in him, he stops and falls on the floor leaning against the dummy and lets the last remaining tears fall quietly, breathing heavily and trying to catch his breath. He feels Blaine sit next to him, very very carefully touching his shoulder. Kurt looks around quickly and even through the haze of tears he sees that the place is empty, that Zach has left them at some point. He is thankful for that. He lets himself fall on Blaine and Blaine wraps his arms around him, swaying them both slowly. There are no words for a long time, and Kurt is not really crying anymore either, just feeling safe there and letting the peace of another warm body come over him.

When he opens his mouth to speak again, he is ready to let it all out, he is ready to tell Blaine everything. He can tell himself it's for Blaine, but really, whatever he will say now is all for himself, it's him finally opening the door wide, walking through it and taking down the walls like they are only strong from one side and now that he has access to the other side they can be ripped down like paper curtains. He can let it all free now, so that it will finally lose it's overwhelming power over him.

"I want to tell you what happened. Can I…please let me tell you."

* * *

**Terms:**

taekwondo - a korean form of martial arts

sahbum nim - a taekwondo master or teacher

dojang - taekwondo training hall

dobok - taekwondo uniform

**Author's note: **So, what do you guys think of Zach? Should I keep him more in the backround or give him a more central role? I have plans for him, but would like to hear your opinion. :)


	6. 016-018

**Author's note: **First of all, a huge thank you for all the reviews and follows and favourites! You are awesome!

Secondly, Mia, a truly wonderful person, made a banner for this story! You can find it here: rakasklaine(.t)umblr(.co)m/image/36129152533 . (Just take the ()-things away.) You should all go see it, as it captures the soul of this story so well. ^^

Thirdly, I want our boys together again, these last few episodes have been so painful! :'(

**Warnings:** Talk about bullying.

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing. I mean no harm, no need to get violent.

* * *

**016 - Open**

Blaine thinks it's oddly beautiful, how they are sitting there in the quiet Taekwondo dojang, on the tatami floor, holding each other, Kurt still wearing the dobok, both thinking their own thoughts. He never thought it would come to this, but here they are, so close and so intimate, and yet still so very far away. When Kurt breaks the silence to ask for a permission to tell his story, Blaine just humms softly. It feels like Kurt is not really all there, it's more like he is speaking to himself and Blaine just happens to be there to hear. He doesn't want to disturb, because this is important.

"When I was in high school.. there was this jock, who did not like me very much. Well, at all. I wasn't very well liked in general, I was bullied a lot, and I was already a weird loner by then, I didn't have a lot of friends… We had a glee club for a few months, but then it was disbanded .. I guess people just kind of drifted apart, only Rachel stayed with me. We were the two weirdos." A dry chuckle.

"Rachel? Your roommate?" Blaine asks quietly. He wonders how Kurt can speak about all of this so freely, so nonchalantly, but he doesn't comment. Blaine speaking seems to make Kurt realise they are still holding each other and he carefully extracts himself from Blaine and sits up cross-legged, watching his feet and fiddling with the hem of his pants.

"Yes. " He confirms and then continues his story. "Anyway, this jock, Karofsky, he was like the leader of the bullies in our school and he had something personal against me, it seemed. He and his jocks seemed to get out of their way to make my life a living hell in school. Dumpster tosses, shoving into lockers, slushy facials, name calling, you name it and they did it." He let out an mirthles little laugh. Blaine felt mildly sick.

"…Slushy facials?" he asks, confused. Kurt laughs again, sarcastic.

"Yeah, the school favourite pastime. We had a slushy machine in the school, and the cool kids liked to throw the slushies in the uncool kids' faces." Blaine shudders a little at the thought. The conversation has been almost casual this far, but now something in Kurt changes and he becomes more serious but also more… determined, maybe, like he's braving himself for the next part. His voice is quiet and very very serious when he continues.

"Karofsky, though, he was different. He wasn't only bullying me the normal way, he also kept staring at me, it felt like almost stalking. And then one day, when he pushed me again, something snapped in me. I had had enough and my dad had just told me to stand up for myself. So I ran after him in the locker room and told him to stop." Kurt voice has got an almost robotic tone, like he is just reading a text already written in his head. Maybe he is. "I almost yelled at him. And he stared at me and raised his hands and I was so sure he was going to hit me. He got nearer and I was going to run. But then he leaned down and grabbed my face and … and he kissed me. I was in shock, I couldn't do anything. I tried to say stop, but I don't think anything actually came out. His hands started to wander, he touched my chest and back, almost my ass, but then he pulled back apruptly and he looked so horrified and angry. I had no idea what he was going to do and the smell of his body wash was overwhelming, and I felt like I couldn't move. He looked at me what was probably like two seconds but felt like milleniums and then he told me he would kill me if I ever told anyone." A small breath. "He said if anyone ever found out I would die. "

Kurt pauses here. Blaine wants to throw up. He honestly doesn't know if he can hold it in, but he cannot say or do anything now, because this is Kurt opening up his wounds, pulling out his splinters and he has no right to interrupt or stop that, no matter how much he wants to not hear any more. He sees in his head in horrifying clarity the memories of last time, when he jumped on Kurt from behind and how Kurt reacted. Kurt breathes in deep as if to continue. Blaine wants to say _stop, don't, this is already enough_.

"Later, the bullying got worse for a while. But then one day someone had figured out he was gay, and his father made him transfer schools. But before he left, Karofsky found me and he was so livid, he was so sure I had told. But I never told anyone, I never told a soul, because I was so afraid what would come, and I was so sure in that moment that I was really gonna die. But somebody came in the room and he left, and I haven't seen him again. I never told anyone, even afterwards. I kept it behind a wall, carefully closed off, because I was still so _afraid_. After coming to New York, I thought I had gotten over it, but then Thursday you came and I did not know it was you and you had his smell on your hands when you placed them on my face… I thought you were him, for a moment." Kurt's voice has gotten softer, more unsure, almost guilty, like he feels bad for what he has done to Blaine. Like _he_ wants to apologise to _Blaine_. Blaine feels ill again.

And then the part about that boy's smell on Blaine's hands registers in his brain. The Axe. The accident, Zach's body wash bottle spilling, the soiled rug, Blaine thinking he is too late and has no time to wash his hands. Blaine doesn't know if his stomach will survive the day.

"Oh God. The Axe smell, Zach's Axe. That's what you smelled. Zach is using the same body wash as your tormentor."

Kurt looks up at this point, inquiringly into Blaine's eyes. "Oh? It was Zach's?" He turns back to his toes again. "But he didn't smell like that today…"

"No, I spilled the bottle, he has been using mine the last few days." Blaine says distractedly, still very much horrified by his own actions. _If I had just washed my hands…_

Blaine is not looking at Kurt, but he sees from the corner of his eye that the other boy is looking at him, thinking hard about something. A sudden realisation comes on his face and his voice turns stronger.

"Blaine. This wasn't your fault. It was me and my traumas, you didn't know. I told you so you would know what happened and why. I'm not blaming you for anything. Your voice helped me calm down." Blaine feels.. he doesn't know how he feels. They both fall silent then, sitting there facing each other but heads hanging low. A quiet falls on them and then, somehow, slowly it's all covered in calmness again, like the air is somehow purer and the gravity pulling on them less strong, making them lighter. Kurt falls on his back on the floor, staring at the roof, and after a while Blaine follows him.

Finally Blaine breaks the silence with "You said you never told anyone?" , still staring at the roof, watching one of the strip lights flicker every now and then.

"I told Rachel on Thursday… After the incident." Blaine hums. He feels so honored and so scared that Kurt chose him to tell this story.

"And today's photo shoot?"

Kurt's voice is back to his usual held back and unsure when he answers, yet there is a certain kind of new strength somewhere underneath.

"I just wanted to feel strong."

Blaine thinks about the last photos he took, just before Zach left and Kurt started crying, the ones in which Kurt is looking so fierce and angry and powerful enough to take down anyone as he kicks the innocent dummy, the fluorescent lights from above making it all so clear and impersonal, but the wooden walls, the tatami and the uniform giving an oriental aura of raw, natural strength. He thinks how those photos will look like the definition of strong.

"You are." Blaine answers, his tone very,very warm.

* * *

**017 - Oh my God**

The peaceful moment is broken when Zach comes back in, feeling uneasy and not wanting to impose but having no choice, and tells Kurt and Blaine that a group is coming to practise and they need to leave. Kurt is suddenly reminded that he is not a person who just stays holding other men, almost strangers, telling them his biggest secrets. He feels flustered and embarrassed and just wants to leave, and fast. He can't help noticing that Blaine is a little bemused by the change in the atmosphere too, but he can't think about Blaine's feelings too much as his own awkwardness and disbelief is so mind consuming. He takes the uniform off hastily and hands it to Zach with some rambled _thank you_'s and _have a nice day_'s.

When they are outside the building, Kurt's goodbyes are weird, and fast, addressed more to the ground than to Blaine. He goes back home feeling increasingly confused. He doesn't know what to think. It wasn't a bad moment, it was really nice in some ways, but so utterly unrealistic and unlike him. It just wasn't something Kurt Hummel does. By the time he reaches his and Rachel's shared apartment he is nearing a full on panic.

"Oh. My God," Kurt informs Rachel as he closes the door and falls against it. Rachel looks up from her book and stares at him interestedly. Kurt's shocked and confused expression makes her worried, as she knows where Kurt was. She has been waiting for him, pretty impatiently, because she wants to know what happened with Blaine and the photo shoot and what could possibly make Kurt look like that. Kurt doesn't look horrified or scared, more like he simply can't believe, let alone handle, what just happened.

"Oh my God," Kurt repeats, as if to make sure Rachel understood. "I just told Blaine about Karofsky. _Everything _about Karofsky. I cried and kicked a dummy like a crazy person and then I kinda fell on Blaine and told him everything, in a very detailed manner. Even more than I told you." Somewhere in the middle of his declaration Kurt has closed his eyes and he takes a deep breath as if to hold himself in one piece.

"Fell on…Care to elaborate?" Rachel asks as she helps Kurt sit down to their kitchen table and hands him a cup of herbal tea. Kurt is too flustered to complain about the caffeine-free drink and just gulps it down. He tells Rachel all about the afternoon, almost rambling in his haste to get it all out and make some sense out of it. Rachel's face is going back and forth between awed, shocked, sympathetic and emphatic as Kurt speaks. She tries to interject but Kurt is speaking too fast for her to really get anything in between before Kurt is finished.

"What am I gonna do?" Kurt finally concludes, helplessly.

"About what?" Rachel asks.

"About Blaine. About meeting him again? Can I meet him again? Oh God, do I have to end the whole project here?" he moans, wringing his hands anxiously.

"What?! Of course not!" Rachel exclaims. "This project is so good for you! And Blaine is good for you, and you like him don't you? You could be such a wonderful couple!" Rachel continues, getting ahead of herself again, as she imagines Kurt happy and dating and possibly with a bunch of babies.

"Coup.. what are you talking about, Rachel? We are not going to be a couple!" Kurt protests, though blushing madly at the same time, which pretty much gives away that Kurt has indeed had similar thoughts.

"Maybe not, but you could be! Just think about it!"

Kurt's blush deepens and he mutters something indistinct in a weak protest. Then he looks back at Rachel, his eyes pleading for help.

"What should I do?" This time Rachel understands the question as it is._ Should he let himself fall for Blaine? Could he possibly be brave enough to try love? _

Rachel looks at him imploringly and asks "Do you think you can trust him? Is he worth it?"

Kurt looks more sure now. "Yes, Rachel, I think I can trust him. He is a wonderful person."

Rachel's expression is really kind when she says "I think you should give him a chance. Give you both a chance. "

Kurt smiles a little. _Maybe he will._

_/ _

When Kurt falls asleep his bookmark is placed between the pages of Eyes of Ice, right where Aenor and Marie have just got their first baby and they're starting their happily ever after.

* * *

**018 - Fruit game**

Blaine and Zach are quiet as they walk back to their dorm room, both thinking about the day and having some very serious thoughts. When they both sit down on their beds, Zach suddenly asks "So, you and Kurt, huh?" looking at the roof in a slightly awkward manner. Blaine looks up at him fast.

"What do you mean me and Kurt? There is no me and Kurt."

"Oh.. I just thought.. well you two were lying so close on the floor and I…" Zach sounds honestly confused and a bit embarrassed. Blaine shakes his head furiously.

"No. Didn't you see how Kurt was? He was just telling me something really serious, something about the incident on Thursday, and it was kind of draining. For both of us." Blaine's voice is firm, even a bit accusatory.

"I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess Kurt was kinda upset." This makes Blaine chuckle darkly.

"Kinda, yeah." he affirms.

Blaine falls on his back, feeling exhausted and rests his eyes. He doesn't really know what to think, there are so many thoughts and emotions, but none are coming to him at the moment. It's like there is a fruit machine game in his head with his emotions rolling around, none of them stopping yet to show what he has won. He just feels tired. Zach gets up and goes to take a shower. When he comes back Blaine is looking at him with an unreadable expression.

"How come I have never seen you with a girl?" he asks, thoughtful. Zach smiles a little.

"I thought you, at least,wouldn't be the kind of person who wouldn't just assume I was heterosexual." he comments instead of answering.

"Well, I've never seen you with a guy either." Blaine states casually, with a matching little smile on his lips. Zach smiles wider at the half-joke, but turns serious after a second.

"I guess now is as good a time to tell as any. I'm asexual." Zach says, throwing it out there so very casually but with a sad shadow in his eyes. Blaine is surprised with the information but also surprised with the sadness, because he doesn't understand the reason for it.

"Oh.. wow. Why did you never tell?"

"I guess it never just came up. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just not something everybody needs to know." Zach explains, looking at Blaine earnestly, like he knows Blaine will understand. Blaine does.

"I hear you." Blaine looks at Zach a while longer, and notes that the sadness is still there, it's not nervousness or fear or anything the sort, just something like… he has had to give up something he wants very badly. "What about this makes you so sad?" Blaine blurts kind of out of nowhere, but he doesn't feel awkward, because this is Zach and there is nothing to be ashamed of for either of them. Zach starts a little, surprised at the question, but then the sadness takes hold of his face and he sighs slowly, looking at his feet.

"You know what asexual means, right?" Zach waits for Blaine's nod before continuing "So I don't want sex, or a sexual relationship, but that doesn't mean I don't want romance or cuddles in front of a tv or someone to make coffee with in the mornings. I know not all asexuals are like me, but I can't help wanting all that. But I know I can't have it without the sexual part, not with a normal girl, I know how small the chance is to find someone who would be satisfied with just cuddles and a random kiss." Zach sounds resigned. Blaine doesn't know what to say, because he really, really believes that Zach will find his happiness, but he also does know that it won't be easy.

"I'm sure there is someone out there who would want that with you." he says softly. Zach humms.

"I really hope so." Then he raises his head with a small smile and looks at Blaine with sincere eyes. "I really hope you will find your happiness with Kurt. You would be good for each other."

Blaine looks down but he's not embarrassed. Zach's words make him yearn things, but today has shaken him pretty badly. He watches the fruit game roll. "I don't know," he sighs,"I'm not sure if I would be good for Kurt."

Zach shakes his head. "No, don't think like that. I'm sure whatever he told you was hard, he was so upset and I know what you've told me about him before, but you are awesome, Blaine. You are kind, gentle and a good person. Don't give up yet."

Blaine laughs then, good naturedly and a little bit teasing, even though Zach's advice hit him pretty hard. "How did you get so insightful? Is it your inner purple dinosaur speaking? I mean…." Blaine didn't get further before a pillow hits his head, hard, and the heartfelt conversation is turned into a very manly pillow fight. It seems like one of thefruit game wheels stopped and gave him a strawberry, even though the other two are still rolling.

/

The next day they meet each other in the coffee shop before lectures in the morning. Blaine is there early and he can't help feeling a little hopeful. He had been so nervous about how things would be with Kurt after the Taekwondo session, but when Kurt had texted him last night suggesting that they go for coffee again, he had been hopeful that things would be fine. Maybe even better than before. When he sees Kurt's tentative smile directed at him from the doorway, Blaine's heart feels light.

"Hiya, Kurt!" he says with a friendly smile. Kurt answers, looking a bit timid and nervous, but his smile is real. They talk for a while until they get to the topic of photo shoots. Blaine sees Kurt is a bit reluctant to talk about the last shoots and he doesn't press further on that yet. They can see the photos later and he hasn't yet edited them anyway. So instead, he asks about the next photo shoot.

"Which one would you like to do next?" Blaine asks.

"I thought…," Kurt hesitates a little but then braces himself to go for it. "Well, would you mind if we didn't go back to the ones we planned before yet? I have another new one I would really like to do…" Blaine notes Kurt is oddly nervous, yet hopeful at the same time. Definitely flustered, but not in an obviously bad way. Blaine really wants to know why.

"No, of course it's ok. What was on your mind?" he inquires, interested.

"Well. This one is from middle school." Kurt blushes a little as he pushes a paper toward Blaine, like he can't actually get himself to read it out loud. It says _33. I want to be one of the cool guys_. Blaine gulps, as if something cold runs down his spine. The second and third wheel start to slow down. He gives Kurt a slightly forced smile.

Kurt looked a bit unsure, but still there is that strange, almost hopeful glint, that doesn't match the story at all. "It was when the bullies started to be more… direct, I guess. I never wanted to be like them, not really, but sometimes it was just, being different in Nowhere, Ohio. I guess I just thought it would be easier if I was a bit more like them. Mostly I just wanted to be accepted."

Blaine is hit with a really unhappy line of thought. He realises that yesterday's story, as horrible as it was, was just a small part of everything Kurt has gone through. Yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg. Kurt wants and needs him to help him get on with his life, to help him do these photographs and keep his mother's memory strong. Kurt needs a friend. Not a lover. He definitely doesn't need Blaine pining for him, expecting and wanting things Kurt isn't ready to give. Blaine needs to just suck up his little (well, not so little, to be honest) crush, and only be what Kurt needs, nothing more, no matter what he himself might want. When had Kurt even ever indicated that he would want more? _He has enough going on without you misunderstanding him and being a creep._ _Whatever Zach says, I can't do that to him._

With a friendly, happy and very fake smile Blaine says that the dream is fine, that it works well with the project and that they can start planning this photo shoot right away, if Kurt wants to. Kurt's smile widens slightly, he seems oddly shy but very pleased, and Blaine's heart sinks just a little more as that just confirms how Kurt only needs him for the photography project, not for his body or soul. The other two fruit game wheels stop quite apruptly, giving him two really sour lemons.


	7. 019-021

**Author's note: **1)I don't know what to think about this chapter. I feel pretty insecure about it. I hope you will enjoy it, anyway!

2)A gigantic thank you for the lovely reviewers again, I get things done because of you. For you, who asked me to get them together soon: Don't give up on me yet! Things have to go down before they can get up, but we are getting there!**  
**

3) A longer, rambling A/N in the end... Be warned.

**Disclaimer:** I still own absolutely nothing. I'm just having innocent fun here, please don't hurt me.

* * *

**019 - Travolta**

On Thursday Kurt is bursting with nervous energy. In just a couple of hours they are going to do the cool guy photo shoot with Blaine, in a bar of all places. They are going to do this shoot in the evening, in a small bar near the campus. Kurt has to dress up like a cool high school bad ass, lean on the bar with a cigarette in his hand, looking around like he owns the place. This is going to be the first real acting challenge during this project, because, sure, Kurt can manage a decent president of the United states look, but a confident bad boy is something pretty damn far from reality.

There is something else besides the acting he is going to do that is causing the nerves. Kurt didn't actually choose this dream for the next shoot, because he wanted to feel more confident or because this dream felt like something he desperately wanted to fill. He didn't choose it because of the potential sob story behind it either. No, mostly he chose it, because Rachel thought it would be the perfect excuse to show Blaine another, possibly more interesting side of him. No matter, that the side he is trying to show is actually an outrageous lie.

Rachel has convinced him that he can do it. Kurt isn't so sure at all, but he really wants to try. He would never dare otherwise, but the cool guy role for this photo shoot is going to help him. He is so so nervous, but it is surprisingly ok kind of nervous, because Kurt has decided to try to be cool and confident and flirt with Blaine. Just a little flirt, so that maybe Blaine could see him in _that_ way. Just to see if there would be any chance at all that Blaine could be interested in him. Kurt has absolutely no idea how people even do any of that, but he just really wants to try. Maybe he can act out the famous cool guys of Broadway musicals, maybe he can think he is John Travolta and just own the place. _Just believe you are actually hot._ _Yeah, right, sure, like that is ever gonna happen._ But still, he is going to try.

Kurt is going between terrified and determined, his feeling completely changing about every once a minute. Half the time he can't believe he ever thought he could be able to do this and half of the time he thinks he needs to prove himself wrong (or right, he isn't sure). Mostly he feels like he is going into a battle alone against 1000 violent vikings, trying to hold his head high but knowing there is no way he could survive this alive and in one piece.

This is actually Kurt's second time going to a bar. He went once with Rachel, and it didn't end well. He only lasted half an hour, before someone accidentally fell on him and he was so terrified and put out by the whole thing he had to leave. Kurt has chosen the outfit carefully, with a white wife beater and a black and white checkered button up shirt with some tight black jeans. He feels ridiculous. When he is at the door and has to actually face the truth of going inside and actually doing this, he freezes. He wants to just run and hide and maybe cry a little just to be safe. His hand is frozen on the door handle and he can just hope his face looks less petrified than he feels inside.

Just when he is going to take his hand off the handle and leave Blaine appears from somewhere, standing next to him and smiling brightly, saying a happy "Hello!" Blaine looks a bit out of it and seems a slightly out of breath, but not really like he has been running. Kurt is resigned to the fact that he has to actually move. He takes a deep breath and imagines the theater curtains open in front of him to show the audience. _The show has started._ He opens the door and looks at Blaine over his shoulder, smiling.

"Did you run here?"

Blaine flutters a bit. "No, no I didn't run, I just.. uh.. never mind." Blaine gulps a little and if Kurt was paying attention to something else besides doing his best to hide his own nervousness, he would have noticed Blaine's eyes wandering quickly over his body as if he couldn't help it. "You look pretty.. cool." Blaine offers helplessly.

Kurt puts all his will power to keep himself from blushing and kinda-almost-smirks. "Thanks. I hope it's what you needed for the shoot..?" He starts confidently but his voice is bordering on insecure by the end of the question and he is already having a bad feeling about this. It's just not going to work. He tries to work with Rachel's advice and sing Summer nights in his head. He still feels ridiculous but just a bit more confident too.

It's barely seven pm and the bar is almost empty. Kurt is relieved - he doesn't think he could act cool in front of an actual crowd. Blaine is talking with the bartender as he takes out his camera. He has already asked permission to do this beforehand, and he is just checking with the bartender to make sure he knows what is going on. They are not old enough to buy beer, but as they are just taking photos, it's fine. When they've got everything sorted out, Blaine gets the camera and the flash out and fiddles with the settings too get them working with the lighting in the bar. Then he shows Kurt the right place and position to be and gives him the pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Kurt has managed to keep hold of his Travolta act this far, but this is the point where he realises it's just not going to happen. He has no clue whatsoever how to light a cigarette. He feels helpless and stupid: how did he ever think he could make Blaine believe he's actually cool and interesting and not just an awkward cry baby, when that is exactly what he is. Before he can drop the act and ask Blaine to help him, however, Blaine lights the cigarette himself, and thus Kurt is saved from breaking the act just yet. Blaine puts the cigarette on his lips, lights it and then hands it to Kurt, looking uncharacteristically insecure for Blaine while doing it. Kurt imagines putting the cigarette to his lips after it has been on Blaine's and the blush is attempting to rise again at that ridiculously hot thought.

" You don't actually have to smoke it, just hold it between your fingers while leaning your back on the bar," Blaine comments, helpfully. Kurt isn't sure if he is thankful or disappointed, but he ends up with the thankful. _Yeah, that would have been a bit too much._ He tries to get a hold of his cool guy character and smiles at Blaine. He want's to make a flirty joke, but he just can't do that, so he hopes the smile is enough. It's certainly the first time he has looked Blaine in the eyes this long and with an almost-confident smile, so Blaine has to notice that, right? Right. He smiles a bit wider and then immediately feels really stupid. _Maybe you shouldn't be so obvious, Kurt. _

Then he remembers that they have a shoot going on so he settles against the wooden bar in a cool, relaxed manner, leaning on his elbows, and holding the cigarette as loosely as he dares between his index and middle fingers. He pictures the audience again and imagines he is leaning on the Grease lightning. The rows of bottles are behind him and he looks at the window facing the street, with the beer brand ad on it, focusing on the being cool part and not the Blaine taking photos of him part. He imagines his own Sandy sitting by the window, though his Sandy is suspiciously male, with really familiar dark curls and olive skin.

Surprisingly, Kurt manages to lose himself in the act. After a while, without thinking, he takes a peek at Blaine and winks at him, smiling coyly. He only has a second to panic and get ready to let everything drop and fall into a whole in the ground, before he sees Blaine avert his eyes and blush slightly. What Kurt feels as he sees that is utter disbelief. _Did he just blush because of me? Did I actually make Blaine blush? _He feels a ridiculously strong wave of desperate hope at that. Maybe the flirting idea is not a complete disaster after all. Maybe something good could come out of this. For about fifteen minutes Kurt floats in this new and good feeling before it's all shot down in the worst kind of way. Like it's not shot down with an air rifle but more like with a bazooka. Or possibly a homing missile.

* * *

**020 - Wink**

Blaine honestly thought this would just be another, pretty normal photo shoot, where they would have some fun and get some nice photos out of it. It would be simple and good. It all went down pretty fast, though, when he got to the bar and saw Kurt in his outfit. He looked like_, God_… yeah, actually, that works, he looked like a god of some sort, a modern day Greek sex god or whatever. It's not like Kurt doesn't always look good, but this time you simply have to take the extra 'o' away from good. Needless to say, Blaine feels pretty flustered and doesn't know what to do with himself.

He has just determined that he will keep his thoughts about Kurt strictly in the friend area, nothing more. It has been hard but he really thought he had got there and managed to quench his crush on Kurt pretty well. No such luck, though. When he sees Kurt act all cool and aloof and confident, even though he knows that it's probably all an act to get in the right head space for the photos, Kurt is so unbelievably hot and enchanting and just plain sexy that he can't stop himself thinking bad things, even though he tries to, with all the power he has. Which is not very much at the moment, it seems.

Whatever is going in his head, he has managed to keep a hold of himself at least outwardly this far, just concentrating on taking the photos and making them as good as he possibly can. He is excited, because they are going to be fabulous and the lighting in the bar is really able to accentuate Kurt's relaxed confidence. So he is slowly but surely getting more into the photographer head space instead of the sexual predator one. That is, until Kurt turns to look at him and winks. _Fucking winks at him. God that is like the hottest thing he has ever seen._ Blaine blushes so madly that he actually wonders if he has to throw a glass of ice water on his face to make it go away.

_This is bad. This is really bad_. Kurt is trying to do his best to make the photos good, he wants to make his dream come true, and knowing Kurt and his personality, he probably wants to do everything he can to help Blaine's project to go as well as possible. Kurt has said before that he is nervous a lot of the time, because he is afraid that he won't be a good enough model for Blaine, that Blaine's project will be ruined because of him. Blaine knows this is probably a really hard role for Kurt and so he is acting it to the max to keep a hold of the role. And instead of being the thankful, professional photographer he should be, he is thinking of laying Kurt on his bed and tearing off all his too damn sexy clothes and... _get a grip, Blaine, for fuck's sake!_

After the wink, it seems Kurt is getting a hang of his role even better and he becomes even more like a Greek god. After the wink, Blaine is getting increasingly more flustered and also equally more annoyed at himself. He honestly tries to get himself back to being professional, but it all falls to shit when Blaine thinks they are ready and done with the photos and goes to Kurt to ask if he wants something to drink. Kurt turns to him and puts his hand on Blaine's shoulder and smiles teasingly while saying "I would love a drink. I'm feeling quite thirsty."

It's not even anything remotely dirty or suggestive or anything less than innocent. But with that smile and with it being probably the first time Kurt has initiated a physical contact with him, and with Blaine already freaking out because of himself and his stupid brain, it's just a little bit too much too sudden for him. So he twists his shoulder from under Kurt's hand, fast, and takes a quick step away from him, looking the other way, because he doesn't dare to look at Kurt at that second. That is also why he doesn't see Kurt's face fall, looking completely vulnerable and hurt, but it only lasts a second before Kurt's face is back to his usual timid and held back mask.

When Blaine looks back at him, merely two seconds later, he only sees the normal Kurt, only maybe a bit more cold and controlled than usual. Blaine sees a Kurt, who has shaken away the role needed for the photo shoot after it's all over. He sees a Kurt, who has probably noticed Blaine ogling him and feels awkward and uneasy about it, because Kurt probably really doesn't want that. Suddenly Blaine really hopes he hadn't offered to buy Kurt a drink, because the whole situation is just really uncomfortable, in a worse kind of way than any other of their weird moments before. But Blaine thinks it's just as well, because he needs to back down now, and really stop being the sexual pervert he has been slowly becoming in Kurt's company. So, if it takes them being less friendly and more down to business, then so be it. Even if it will hurt a lot to not be so open and friendly and thoughtless with the wonderful person that is Kurt.

He buys Kurt the soda he asked and another one for himself. They drink their sodas fast, talking about easy things, seemingly just like before, but there is frost hanging somewhere just below the first few layers of the seemingly friendly chatter. Kurt downs his drink barely five minutes later and says he needs to go, that he has something he needs to do right now. Blaine doesn't know if he should feel bad for the shoot ending like this or just thankful for the weird, cold atmosphere of the last ten minutes being over. Kurt leaves and Blaine stays holding his empty glass.

Quite out of nowhere a memory of his grandfather from years ago comes to him. He sees clearly the smaller version of him and his then much younger looking grandpa standing in grandpa's study, grandpa showing him an antique hourglass on his desk. He remembers how grandpa told him that he needs to always grasp a possibility whenever one comes on his way, because time is like the sand inside the hourglass, it's flow is inevitable and at some point, faster than you realise, it has all gone down and it's too late to go for things anymore. Blaine really doesn't want to think why this memory came to him now, because he feels there is some really important message from his unconsciousness, and it's something he just can't handle right now.

* * *

**021 - Aino**

Kurt is sitting in library cafeteria with a slowly cooling cup of coffee in his hands. He is reading Eyes of Ice again, but not really, because mostly he is just staring at the words to give him an excuse to be sitting there without speaking to anyone while he is trying to make sense of the things in his head. After the shoot in the bar things have been weird, bad weird. After that one moment of Blaine jumping away from his touch in disgust, (which is painfully branded in Kurt's brain, constantly repeating itself in his mind if he is not careful,) Blaine has changed. Kurt ones believed Blaine was in this only for the photography project, but now he can really see the difference between the friendly but distant, professional and only-in-it-because-he-has-to Blaine, and the Blaine, who truly wants to be friends, who is happy to spend time with him, to touch him, to joke with him about stupid things and to look at him in the eyes. Kurt can see the difference now that he has lost the latter Blaine and is left with the former.

It has not been forever, yet, it's been just five days, but Kurt is already made painfully aware how big a difference Blaine has already made in his life. Before, Kurt had no problem with having no friends. He had Rachel, his dad and his books and he was content. Maybe not happy, exactly, but he was ok. Now, in less than two months of Blaine, he has gotten used to having a real friend, a little, hopeful crush, a confidante who he can tell things sometimes, a someone who gives away touches freely and lets Kurt finally get used to them, to grave them. And now it's suddenly all gone, because Kurt made the mistake of wanting more, of hoping, of believing for that short time that Blaine actually liked him and acting out on it.

But it's not that simple. Kurt is confused, because while he blames himself, he just can't truly see what was so bad that everything had to change. Him flirting and going on Blaine when he clearly didn't want it, him misunderstanding Blaine's feelings was certainly bad, but Blaine is not Kurt, Blaine is not the guy who is afraid of a simple touch. So Kurt is a little hurt, a lot confused, even more disappointed in himself, and feeling like he really doesn't know if he can go back to the life without Blaine. It is scary, how much he needs Blaine now, not even as a lover or anything like that, not necessarily, but just present in his life. The absolute worst things about this is that Blaine was the one person (besides his Dad) who had accepted all of him, from the very beginning. To have that person now suddenly rejecting him feels so very bad. He feels lonely, and a bit cold, so he takes a sip of his coffee to get himself just a bit warmer.

Suddenly he is made aware that someone has sat opposite him, as he hears a chair pull out and someone light thudding down on the chair. By the subtle smell of mild perfume he knows it's a girl. Kurt guesses, correctly, that there are no more free tables and she just needed a place to sit down, so Kurt doesn't look up.

"Oh, Eyes of ice! I really liked that book. It was inspirational." she comments. Her voice is friendly, but not overly pushy or enthusiastic. Her voice has also an obvious foreign accent, although Kurt can't exactly pinpoint where it is from. He looks up and sees a girl with a natural blonde(yeah, Kurt can tell), almost white hair, greyish eyes and pale skin. She is dressed in an off-white shirt, and all this together makes it look like someone has taken all the colour out of her. It's not a bad look on her, it makes her look like she has stepped out of a faded old photograph. Or like she is standing in the snow in a wintry forest during full moon.

"Oh… yeah, it's one of my favourite books." Kurt says, feeling a little awkward and nervous, but surprisingly little so. He wonders fleetingly, whether it's also because of Blaine that he is now able to talk to a random somebody without wanting to escape. "Not many people know this book…?" he says, half asks, just to get something out of his mouth, and also because he is honestly a little intrigued about this person who actually knows and likes his favourite book ever. The girl gives him a small, nice smile and nods.

"Yeah, I came across it totally by an accident. I saw it in a pile of books in a second hand book store back home." she explains, and then shakes her head a little, smiling. "I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Aino, I'm an exchange student from Finland, majoring in comparative literature."

"Kurt." he answers and immediately continues "Oh! I study English, so it's kind of very similar I think." Kurt says, and somehow almost forgets that he doesn't usually talk to strangers. This girl seems easy to be with, she seems honest and real, not the slightest bit pretentious, she seems a bit shy but really kind, and also a bit held back and reserved, which also makes her much easier for him to be with.

The girl, Aino, just smiles her little smile again - it's not wide but it's unpretentiously friendly. "Nice to meet you, Kurt." she says and brings her hand over the table for him to shake. They shake hands and Kurt smiles, because it's just so nice and easy with this girl. They talk about Eyes of Ice for a while, just sharing their favourite parts, and even though Aino has only read it once while Kurt knows every word by heart, there is still a lot to talk about. Slowly they move to other books and suddenly Kurt notices he's been talking to this stranger for over half an hour without once wanting to leave. The subject of books Kurt can handle and Aino is in many ways a lot like him, keeping her distance and not pushing for any personal questions or random small talk, which Kurt is thankful for. If she needs to think about some question before she answers, she just keeps silent and only answers when she's ready. She doesn't mind when Kurt does the same.

Kurt can't help but compare this to meeting Blaine. Blaine got to him, because he was totally unafraid of Kurt and his reservations, because he was hundred percent real and himself. Blaine got to him, because he has a thousand watt smile and lovely curls and he always gets so very close to Kurt, but does it in such a natural way that Kurt couldn't feel scared. (_Or did at least, before Thursday_.) Aino seems to be getting to him because she acts a lot like Kurt, like they have the same idea of what is comfortable and familiar in a conversation with a new person. Aino is getting to him, because with her Kurt feels like he doesn't need to follow the social norms he never got comfortable with. Aino is no Blaine, but she is someone Kurt could meet again, and be glad he could meet again.

Just as Kurt is thinking this, Aino lets out a little, friendly chuckle and points out the same thing. "You are different from most of the Americans I've met." Before Kurt can get to feeling stupid, she elaborates further "I mean, in a really nice way. I really like all the people I've met here, the friends I've made, but sometimes it's really hard for me to get to the whole hugging and kissing on the cheek and doing all this small talk and..yeah, all that. I know it's usual here, but in Finland were are not used to that, we like to keep our distance, we don't even do small talk there, so.. Yeah, talking with you is relaxing, if you get my point." Kurt is not used to people being so honest about things, but at the same time he can really understand what she means.

"I know the feeling. I guess I'm not so good with small talk either." he says, a bit self mockingly. Aino suddenly smiles brightly.

"I think you would make a really good Finn." she jokes, but her eyes are saying that it's probably somewhat true.

"Oh, my god, don't say that!" Kurt groans, playfully, all the while feeling shocked that he is able to actually joke with this girl he just met not even an hour ago. "My step brother's name is Finn and I really don't want to be like him!" Aino laughs out loud at this, and her laughter is really nice, Kurt notices.

"Oh, God, sorry. We can't have that. Let me rephrase, you would make a good Finnish person." she laughs.

"That sounds slightly better." Kurt huffs and then smiles at her brightly. For the first time in what is probably years, he feels like he wants to ask somebody else's phone number, or Facebook, or whatever, just so that he could get to know them better. He doesn't dare to ask yet, but he really hopes he will find a way to do it before they part ways. A tiny bit of insecurity hits him as he thinks that maybe Aino doesn't want to know him, but then he pushes it to the back of his head with the memory of Aino saying that being with him is relaxing. That can't be bad.

Then another thought comes to him. Before the latest incident with Blaine they had been considering one of the more recent dreams in his book. He had been watching some foreign movie from a lesser know European country (Czech, or Slovakia or something like that) when he had started thinking how nice it would be to be able to speak another language, especially an unkown exotic one like that, to be able to connect with another culture in that special way even if you didn't know any of the people. Thus, the dream "70. I want to be fluent in some exotic language." They had been thinking about this dream, because it made a real challenge to be portrayed in a photograph. Which was also why they had put it aside for now, as they hadn't figured out a good way to do it. But Aino just said he would make a good Finnish person and maybe this could be the culture and the language he could "get fluent in" in a photo shoot, even if he won't really be able to learn the language. They could figure something out, if Aino would be willing to help him.

He asks Aino, very uncertainly, if she would like to be a part of a project, and when she doesn't shoot the idea down immediately, he explains the project to her. She seems interested, even a little excited, and says that of course she can help. "I would love to share a small part of my country with you, if you wanted to." she smiles, and Kurt feels happy. Maybe, even if he doesn't have Blaine's friendship anymore, he could at least have this girl, Aino, a friend he has made all by himself. There is no way she, or anyone, could replace Blaine, but Kurt needs to take what he can have.

"Maybe you could help me start right now. So, how do you say 'hello' in Finnish?"

* * *

**A/N**: Ok, so I brought another OC in the story. She is not going to be a super big part of this story, but she is kind of necessary for the next plot developments to happen (and maybe later as well). Aino is Finnish, because I wanted to bring a small part of my own country and culture to my writing in the form of her, and it actually worked with the story. She is nothing like me, though, believe me, I can only wish I was like her. Her character just came to me and I couldn't get rid of the idea. I hope you don't dislike her or me for bringing her here. (Aino is pronounced kinda like "I know" without the 'w' part of the 'know', in case you were interested.)

The photo from this photo shoot is an existing photo of Chris, as some of you might have noticed. I can't link it here, but if you google "chris colfer bar" you will get it. (hint: It's not the one with the leather wearing guys...)

Also, I hope you won't hate me for all the drama and angst. Things are going down the wrong way right now, but it just needs to be so. Misunderstandings, they seem to be all the fashion right now! But, if you are good little readers, Santa just might bring you some nice, fluffy presents before Christmas. :)


	8. 022-024

**Author's note:** Thank you for my lovely reviewers. Truth is, the reason I'm still writing this is your reviews. Without them, I would have probably already given up on this. But as long as there is even a few of you reading and commenting, I'm going to push on and finish this. :)

Not a lot of things happen in this chapter, but it's pretty important mentally for the boys. You'll see.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Glee, the only thing I own is my weird mind.

* * *

**022 - Cartoons**

The clouds are heavy that day; there is no rain but the sky is dark grey to the point that it looks like early evening even now, at 2pm. Blaine thinks it's pretty fitting to his current mood. It's Thursday and Kurt had called him yesterday evening to tell he has a new idea for a photo shoot, and if Blaine would be ok if he brought a friend with him when they meet. Kurt had sounded happy and excited, and Blaine couldn't help but feel happier too, and more hopeful. Then today they had met in one of the campus cafeterias for lunch with Kurt and his friend. A friend who was not Rachel like he had thought, but a foreign girl Blaine has never seen before, and it seemed Kurt hadn't met him that long ago either.

Kurt had explained his idea of working with the exotic language dream, which had felt like an ultimate challenge before. Blaine too had wanted to do it, but he hadn't gotten a good idea for it yet. Then Kurt brings this beautiful, nice, kind girl who seems like she's made to be Kurt's friend and soulmate and tells him she has agreed to help them with the project. She can even be in the photo if necessary. Blaine thinks how long it took him to get to the point with Kurt where he could even get him to speak to him, let alone be friends and have Kurt smile like _that_. And now this Aino girl had come from out of nowhere, and made Kurt to like her and trust her in less than an hour, apparently.

It's not like he is jealous of Kurt. How could he be, he didn't have anything going on with Kurt and even if he had, she is a girl, for goodness' sake. _Maybe it's jealousy for his friendship_, his inner Zach suggests, but he doesn't believe that either. It's not like Kurt can't have more than one friend, and having Aino as his friend does not take out the possibility of him being Blaine's friend. Even if Blaine _was _the only friend Kurt had made in college this far. But that's crazy, of course Blaine wants Kurt to have friends, he wants Kurt to be happy! How could he resent Kurt making new friends?

He supposes Aino is a really nice girl. There was really nothing wrong with her, besides the fact that Blaine didn't like that she was there, disturbing the peace and routine of Blaine and Kurt planning their photo shoots. Yeah, Blaine had brought Zach in to help with the project once, too, but that's different right? He doesn't know how, but there must be something. So ok, it must be just that Blaine dislikes their routine being changed. Because obviously he is not jealous.

He thinks of him and Kurt being so much more distant and less friendly now after the last photo shoot, of him backing out a lot and of Kurt being more reserved and distant again. It all comes to him, but he refuses to think about it too much. It's too unpleasant and too scary. He is afraid that he is just a necessity to Kurt now, a means to an end, someone who helps him realise all these dreams he has - and isn't that what this really was all the time. And even if it looked like Kurt was leaning on Blaine, needing his help and being thankful for it, it looks like Kurt is moving on with Aino, and it's so scary how good she could be for Kurt. How much better friend she could be for Kurt than Blaine could. And Blaine has hoped that they could somehow get over this weird cold air between the two of them and get back to somehow being friends, but now Aino is there and her presence makes it impossible for them to do anything about it. He feels so desperately unnecessary, like there is no need for him at all. As always.

Kurt seems to be using Aino as a shield against the strangeness between Blaine and him. Aino is a shield of niceness, friendliness and calm. Blaine thinks it's such a bad timing that she got there, just when there was this problem to solve with Kurt. But he doesn't even know if this is a phase or if it's just how things are going to be from now on. But, the absolute worst thing is, that if he is completely honest with himself, whatever he feels personally about Aino's appearance, Aino coming on board for this photo shoot is actually a really good thing, and as much as he doesn't want to, Blaine's head is already swimming with ideas.

/

The next day Blaine has resolved that whatever is going on underneath the surface between them, he will do his very best for this photo shoot and all the future ones as well. It is still a project for a college course, one he really needs to pass with good grades, even though he hasn't really thought about this aspect of the project so much at all lately, because he has concentrated so much on Kurt and how this project can help him. And, he thinks, this project can help Kurt still, even if Blaine himself as a friend can't, so it's the least he can do. And he's going to do his very best.

He contacts his friend in the graphic arts department, specializing in cartooning, and asks her to do Blaine a favor. He had once helped with her class project and after that they had made a sort of deal with some of the students in both majors to help each other whenever either needed it. So Tina agrees to help, and if Blaine can get the place they need reserved for Sunday afternoon and evening, she will be there to help. It is an interesting challenge for her too, anyway. Blaine gets Kurt and Aino on board for Sunday and Aino sends him some photos of typical Finnish scenery that he then passes on to Tina. Next Blaine visits the attendant of one of the Maths and science buildings and gets the room they need reserved for them on Sunday. Normally the building is not open but for school projects they can usually arrange something, just like this time.

Sunday afternoon finds him and Tina in a mid-sized lecture hall with a high roof and a wall full of blackboards. The whole front of the room is covered with blackboards, from floor to the roof, which is exactly the reason they needed this place. Tina, the asian girl dressed in black and blue gothic outfit, gets to work fast, taking out his sketches and starting to draw on the blackboard with a white chalk. They chat while Blaine works with the camera settings, the tripod and flashes and Tina draws. Their chat is nice and Blaine thinks he really should feel more excited about this whole project. Maybe he could get a chance to talk with Kurt or something, though he has no idea what he would even say. Slowly but surely Tina draws a cartoonish, simplified but still elegant, drawing of a rural Finnish village's main street (or at least that's what Aino said it was), with some old wooden houses and a a small grocery store and a lot of trees, some pines and some leafless birch trees. The drawing is big enough to reach from the floor level all the way over their heads. It's really quite beautiful in it's simplicity.

When Kurt and Aino get to the place two hours later, the drawing is ready, showing what to Aino must be a homely scenery. Blaine can see that Aino's eyes get just a bit watery at the sight, and Blaine thinks it must be that she remembers home when she sees it. To Blaine it's a foreign sight, something exotic, but to this girl it is home. It's a little sad but also a beautiful thought. She seems excited though, as excited as a calm and calculating girl like her can be. She and Kurt find their positions in front of the background image and Tina draws them speech bubbles that seem to come from their mouths, wiping out the background image from those parts. Then Aino hands her the simple sentences she has prepared and Tina writes them in the bubbles, finally making the two standing in front of the drawing look like they really are in a cartoon strip.

Blaine looks at the writing curiously. Aino is standing sideways on the left, looking at Kurt, her bubble saying '_Moi, mitäs sä?'_ There is a longer sentence written in Kurt's bubble: '_Ihan jees. Luin tän aamun Hesarista, että tänään tulee lunta.'_

"What do they say, exactly?" he asks Aino.

"It's just normal chatter. I'm saying 'Hi, how's it going?' and Kurt answers that he's fine and that he has read from the news paper that it's going snow today. I wrote it in the casual spoken language, because I thought that would be less from a school book and more from real life." Blaine smiles at this. It's seems perfect. There is no joke or anything, but it definitely fills the requirement of being fluent and being part of the culture. And the language definitely looks strange enough to be exotic.

If only he could stop feeling so bad about Kurt, stop the creeping jealousy (_because really, it's there even if he denies it_), fear and anxiety from getting over him. If only he could feel like he can do something about things, then this shoot would be really nice. Probably one of the best shoots this far. But he can't, and seeing Aino and Kurt acting so natural together, talking and even laughing, when Kurt used to only rarely laugh like that with him, while seeing Kurt seemingly avoiding communication with Blaine as much as possible, makes this all not so good at all. He thinks even Tina has probably picked up the strange atmosphere, as she tries to bring them together with some exaggerated enthusiasm over the photos Blaine is going to take. Aino and Kurt join her but Blaine sighs. He starts setting the camera, so that this can be over sooner. He feels so much not needed. _Nothing is going to change today._

* * *

**023 - Plan of attack**

Kurt meets Aino on Sunday for a late lunch, before they need to be there for the photo shoot. Aino seems a bit nervous and a bit excited, and Kurt mostly just feels nervous. He is really happy that Aino is there - he is still not completely at ease with her, but how could he be, as they have only known for a few days. He hasn't even been completely at ease with Blaine yet, unless you count the strange quiet moment lying on the tatami in the Taekwondo dojang. But there lies the real problem. They haven't been nothing but uneasy after the last shoot, and Kurt just doesn't know what to expect of today. What he is going to do. He feels like he doesn't know if things are going to work or get even worse. Like no matter what he does now, he is going to end up with the short end of the stick.

Aino being there with them in their last meeting had made the atmosphere less obviously strained, but it had also made it impossible for them to even attempt to address the issue, so he doesn't know if it's more of a good or bad thing. But he can't help feeling happy that he doesn't have to face Blaine's coldness alone. It is painful enough like this.

When they walk towards the Maths building, Aino turns her head towards Kurt and says, thoughfully "I don't think Blaine likes me that much."

Kurt starts at this and then feels really bad for Aino. Unsure, too, because he doesn't think he could really explain the situation to her now. He doesn't even know what the explanation is. "No, I don't think he dislikes you. He's just.. I don't know? Busy, maybe" he suggests, shrugging awkwardly and cringing mentally, because he's pretty sure Aino saw right through that statement. She doesn't comment on it though. And, he thinks. this is exactly why Kurt feels he can be less guarded with Aino. She doesn't force him to say things he doesn't want to or know how to. She is content to let things be and the silence falls over them without it being uncomfortable. When they get to the lecture hall they're supposed to be, they see the wonderful drawing made by Blaine's friend and Aino loses herself into it for a while. Kurt, though, just notices Blaine, mostly.

Kurt knows he is the one who did wrong. He forced himself on Blaine and made him uncomfortable. But there is something that doesn't quite fit. Kurt notices something more is off with Blaine, in a different way than even just a few days ago. He doesn't know what has happened, but he notices Blaine looking at him with these strange eyes, the expression not showing coldness or distance but something else he can't quite read. But, he thinks, every now and then he can see glimpses of some strong feeling, of uncertainty and vulnerability even. It's not what Kurt thought he would see and it's really confusing. It also makes Kurt feel this strange pain inside, because Blaine seems to be so sad underneath all his joyful act. Today, more than ever before, Kurt can see it's exactly that, an act and not his real feelings. A mask of Blaineness, to hide something else.

Kurt remembers how he hasn't felt panicked after things got bad with Blaine, not the way he usually does when things like this happen. He hasn't hidden away to cry, even if he has been feeling guilty and blaming himself. He thinks maybe it is because from the beginning he has had this hunch that perhaps it is not all him this time, that there is something else there that Kurt doesn't know or understand. Kurt feels sadness but also some sort of weird hope at this realisation. Like if it's not actually all about him and him failing to be what he should be, but that there is something else there that he alone can't control, then maybe there is a chance they could work this out with Blaine after all. He doesn't want to talk to Blaine now, because they are not alone, and he cannot do anything about things at this moment. But later, later he might be able to. He just needs to not ruin things at this moment, so he stays away from Blaine, trying not to think about him too much. He jokes with Aino and tries to be normal, just to not make this situation harder than it is.

Then Blaine starts the whole photo shoot and he and Aino get into their poses and it's all clicks of the camera, flashes of light and looking at Aino's smiling face and smiling back for a while. Seeing her there, being forced to look at her in the eyes for so long, should be hard for him, but, surprisingly, is not at all as hard as it could have been some other day or with some other person. Even with Blaine it would probably be harder. He sees understanding in Aino's eyes, and the smile between them is real. All this while Kurt can sense the weird feeling between him and Blaine, but it's new now, not only because Blaine has changed but also because he himself has figured out something.

After the photos are taken Kurt talks with Aino a while, still smiling and it's so naturally casual that he can't help but feel good. But he knows what he has to do next, and it scares the hell out of him at the same time. He is determined, though. He is going to pull a stick, and he has decided which one. He still doesn't know which side of the stick it's going to be, but somehow he'll have to work with it anyway. He is not going to escape anymore, because this time it's not his weakness he would be escaping, but Blaine's. It's the pain he has seen in Blaine's eyes, just for a second, and a second is enough. Blaine is worth his courage even if he himself isn't.

So, he tells Aino, that she should go first and that they will certainly meet later, but that he has something to discuss with Blaine. She understands and without any questions turns to talk with Tina, who is glad to get to know the new girl and walks out with her, talking about art in general and the piece she had drawn on the chalk board. And just like that, they are alone again. Kurt turns to Blaine and smiles a little helplessly. He has no idea what he is going to say, but he figures he just has to jump and see what follows.

"Hey, Blaine. Can I talk to you for a second?" he asks with a small voice. He doesn't know if it's because he's scared or because Blaine might be scared.

"Yeah, sure, of course." Blaine smiles, the smile just a millisecond too late.

* * *

**024 - Warm and cold**

"Uhm.. what is it?" Blaine asks, even though he is pretty sure he knows exactly what it is. Kurt's face shows he is right. Blaine just wishes they wouldn't have to address this now. But, he guesses, there might not really be any other time he would be more ready for this, so it's just as well.

"Yeah, I just.. well.." Kurt shuts his eyes tight for a second and takes a deep breath, and some other time Blaine might have found it adorable. Well, he still kind of does, but it's not in the top of his mind right now, that Kurt is going to point out his weaknesses and he has to explain them. He has never handled well being a disappointment, or being less than perfect in people's eyes for that matter. Kurt visibly braves himself, and Blaine can almost hear the _here goes nothing _in his exhale.

"Yeah, so, I just feel things have been weird lately…" Kurt says, looking at his feet and shuffling a little. Blaine feels something ominously cold trickle on his neck, and it doesn't make sense how scared he is now, because he has been _hoping_ that they could talk about this and solve whatever happened, but now it's just.. different. More difficult, like the problem has changed. And it probably has, because of Aino and because of what that made Blaine feel. Because, it's not just a simple unrequited crush anymore, it's more. It's pretty real jealousy (and what that says about Blaine's feelings) and it's the emergence of his old fears of not being important for people who are important for him.

"Yeah, I guess it has been." Blaine laughs once, awkwardly. Then the dam breaks and he starts rambling, trying to get something out without ruining everything. "Look, Kurt, it's just that in the bar, you touched me so suddenly, I didn't mean to jump like that, it was rude, I know and I didn't mean that.. I just, you know.. well, after that I just was so afraid that you were angry at me, I mean you have all the right to be, so I just thought maybe you did not want to be so close to me, or.." his voice is nearing on a very un-Blaine-esque panic, when Kurt's sudden movement stops him.

"I understand, Blaine." Kurt says, after a second. His voice is solid bordering on expressionless, and it has some weird undertone that Blaine doesn't quite catch, but which makes Blaine feel bad. And, Blaine thinks, it must be something about Kurt not wanting Blaine's crush or his feelings, because what else could it be? The coldness trickles down his spine slowly. Then Kurt continues, more resolute.

"Blaine, I saw today, there is something more troubling you. You don't need to tell me, but I just.. If you want to talk, you can. You listened to me before, so I can listen to you if you need." Kurt shrugs, not quite looking him in the eyes, but his tone is sincere. Blaine almost wants to cry a little, because Kurt, the reserved, distant, mysterious Kurt that he has been trying to unravel from his castle of stone, has seen through him and cares enough for him to offer help. Blaine thought he had been convincing, and he thought Kurt hadn't even been paying attention today, but Kurt had noticed that something was wrong, when so many other have never seen through his mask. _How does he even do that?_ He thinks he has to answer something, because Kurt deserves it.

"Oh, yeah.. It's just, I've been so unsure how to deal with this whole weirdness between us, "Blaine smiles a little ruefully pointing at the two of them, "and then I felt you were getting distant and," _and I saw you so happy with Aino,_ "I just… You know, I have always had this problem." He looks down now, and it's his turn to take a deep breath to brave himself. Blaine almost wants to back out, because he is just too afraid to say this. He doesn't know what will happen if he says it, but he also thinks it might help to just get it out now. Maybe Kurt, of all people, would understand. And he has heard Kurt's weaknesses, so Kurt deserves to know this, at the very least. His voice is small, his eyes fixed on the door behind Kurt, when he continues.

"What I'm most afraid of is that people won't need me. My dad… my family isn't always the most supportive. I've always had to get the best grades, and be the model student... to be enough for them. They didn't really offer me the chance to just make failures and still feel loved and accepted. I know they love me, but they are also demanding. Once… I remember once my dad was drunk and he had found my report and seen that I had gotten a C.. And he told me, with this cold, distant voice, that they didn't need a son like me, if I couldn't do better. He wasn't like that normally, not that openly anyway, but hearing that when he was drinking, I knew it must be what he sometimes feels about me without alcohol too. They love me, and they tell me that often, but sometimes I feel like I don't know if it's conditional.. That they don't love me on the days when I don't do well enough for them. That they don't need me when I'm not what they want." Blaine's voice breaks a little, and his eyes fill, but he doesn't cry. He doesn't want to and it wouldn't help now anyway. He feels so small at this moment, admitting this is so very hard. Most of the days he tries so hard to be the best, most helpful person for people, to be what everyone needs, and it's not bad. He feels happy when he can be helpful, be useful and good for people. He _cares_, and his happy that way. But sometimes, when his caring just isn't enough, that hurts.

Kurt's eyes are warm and so very empathetic, like they are bleeding compassion in the room and surrounding Blaine. But there is also some confusion, like he doesn't understand something. "Oh, Blaine, that sounds awful. But.. why did this come to you now? Why today..?" he stops, uncertain.

"I don't know Kurt, just.. I think, I already felt like the best part of this project is that I was helping you, too, and then I saw you getting distant and I saw you so happy with Aino, and I was afraid that…"

"…that I wouldn't need you anymore." Kurt fills his words. Blaine shrugs, not getting the words out.

"Blaine.. I don't know what to say. Just, just know that of course I still need you. This project has meant so much for me, and these pictures.. they bring my mother back to me, just a little, and I've learned so much during this time. Aino is wonderful, but she doesn't do this with me. Of course I still need you."

"… Thank you for saying that." Blaine says. He feels momentary relief wash over him at Kurt's words, but then he realises what else it means. It means that Kurt really just needs him for the project, not as a lover, if even as a friend. And how sad is that, because Blaine also really sees now how much he would like to be just that. Kurt's lover. Because Kurt is wonderful, and just now he's been shown it would not only be him helping Kurt but how good Kurt could also be for him. _Too bad, that it will never happen._ The coldness from before trickles down his legs, this time not numbing, but just a chilly reminder. But, even though all this goes through his head, he smiles at Kurt, because Kurt has been wonderful today and he deserves it. Kurt smiles back, so warmly that it hurts Blaine a little.

"Any time, Blaine. So, no more weirdness?" Kurt smiles a bit wider. Blaine feels himself laugh, a real one this time. Because, what else could he do, when Kurt smiles at him like that.

"No more weirdness," he agrees, still grinning.

Kurt smiles an easy, happy smile, and the mood is so much lighter than just a minute ago. "This place is really chilly, my toes are freezing.. Would you like to go get some hot chocolate with me?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Blaine agrees easily, because, why not? It isn't all solved yet, perhaps never will be, and the original problem is still very much there, but at least they are back where they were before the incident. At least that's what he would like to think.

* * *

**A/N: **I have no idea whatsoever how that photo shoot description part works if you don't know much about the Finnish culture, or scenery, or language or stuff. I promise this is the only part where it gets this kind of attention though... so if it sucked, it won't be repeated :D I hope it didn't suck that much, though. I wanted to show you what that scenery Tina drew looks like, but I realised I was describing my home village, and I have no pictures of that that I could publish. I didn't find anything else perfectly fitting to this, either. So, maybe you can just use our friend, Google, to find out what Finnish villages look like in general, if you want to have a visual. :)

Things are going to happen soon, stay tuned!


	9. 025-027

**Author's note:** Ok. This chapter just happened. I don't even know what to say, I feel like it could have been so much better, but it came out this way. I'm not completely satisfied, especially with the last part, but I'm not going to rewrite it either. I hope you enjoy it anyway, but please tell me your thoughts!

Second thing, I don't actually know anything about New York or Manhattan or the Gershwin theater, besides the movies and tv shows I've seen and what I could find out with fast googling and using the google maps and street view. So, if there is anything that is weird or just plain wrong in regards to the place, please tell me, so I can fix it.

Get prepared for some serious talks and utter silliness.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any part of Glee or that stuff, so let's just stay friends, ok?

* * *

**025 - A seed of hope**

_"I understand, Blaine," he says, unable to stop his body from jerking by the end of Blaine's little ramble. God, he understands now. Blaine has been so sorry for all this time for making Kurt feel bad, because he had to reject him… When Kurt had no place to even go and hit on him in the first place. Blaine feels genuinely guilty, Kurt can see it in his face. Blaine's guilty, because Kurt has been hurt, no matter how uncomfortable he might have made Blaine feel. Of course. So typically Blaine, always so selfless, so ready to think for others. And Kurt thought he was angry at him. He feels so stupid._

_All this thinking takes just a few seconds though, until he focuses on Blaine again, and sees the strange sadness, vulnerability, still evident behind his eyes. Kurt thinks, if he can do anything to help, to be a person for Blaine to lean on for just a minute, like he has been to Kurt before, then no matter what he will try to be that. Because even if Blaine is not ever going to be _his_ that way, they are still friends. Blaine's caring for his feelings shows that. And Kurt cares about Blaine's feelings equally much. So he takes a breath and goes on, pushing his own vulnerability, disappointment and hurt away this one time, because Blaine needs him._

/

"Just leave it, Rachel!" Kurt groans and puts a hand on his face, because he really doesn't want to see the sincerity in Rachel's eyes.

"But Kurt…"

"No, Rachel. I told you everything, _every single thing_ that has happened with Blaine, and he _does not_ care about me like that." Rachel huffs and opens her mouth to start again, but Kurt continues before she can do that. "No. I know you are a hopeless romantic and would like to see one of our favourite musicals become true but they aren't. Blaine has made it so blatantly clear that he wants to only be my friend and I'm not going to risk that. He is the best thing I have in this city; I'm not risking that."

Rachel huffs again, trying to complain, but Kurt beats her again. "Besides you, Rachel, you know that," he states firmly. Rachel deflates a little.

"_Any_way, Rachel, we are talking about me. How could I even realistically date a guy? I can't even look people in the eye, or talk to them, without panicking. I'm pathetic, Rachel, there's no way Blaine would really ever like me, even if I did kid myself with that silly little crush earlier…" A pause. "I don't even know what I was thinking. Just because this guy is nice to me, I'm off starting to imagine I had a chance in hell.. There is no way.. no matter how much I may want it." Kurt's voice has been angry, but it is turning weaker every minute, quivering just a little in the end, and that makes Rachel want to do _something_ to change this, whatever this is. Just talking without thinking doesn't seem to be working, so she needs to figure out her next move more carefully, because this is just not right.

So now Rachel is quiet, lost in thoughts, which is pretty rare to her. Kurt is the same, but his thoughts are not going anywhere, just rolling in the same realisations that he has made this day. His and Blaine's conversation just a few hours ago. The way Blaine had opened up to him. The way Blaine had told him why he had acted so weird. The way Blaine had admitted his own weakness, the ways in which he was imperfect, the ways in which Blaine was vulnerable in front of other people. Maybe Kurt doesn't have the same problems, but God, does he understand. He knows what it feels like to feel less than enough in front of people, of feeling unworthy. He feels so very sad for Blaine, because Blaine doesn't deserve any bad things in his life. Blaine is wonderful, the kind of person who is ready to give anything to make other people happy. Blaine, who has the brightest smile in the world and the warmest eyes, doesn't deserve to look as sad as he just did that day.

The saddest thing is, today also showed him that Blaine needs someone too, just like him. Before, he had thought Blaine was so far above him that Kurt was merely daydreaming of a guy that could just as well not exist, because to Kurt he was flawless, and thus not really a real person. But he has seen another side to Blaine. Blaine has been made painfully real to him, still perfect but now more reachable. A someone Kurt could trust even more than the Statue of Perfect Human Being that he was to Kurt before. And, don't get him wrong, he didn't really think Blaine was incapable of doing mistakes or anything inhuman like that before, either. It was just that now he can see Blaine too has weaknesses. He's not a superman anymore. And it just makes Kurt care for him that much more, makes his heart ache that much more to be with him, like _that_. But it is still just as impossible as it was yesterday.

Rachel has gone through some very similar paths of thought, but gotten to a very different conclusion.

"Kurt…" he starts slowly, biting her lip. "You told me Blaine said he was acting so weird before, because he was afraid he had hurt you by the rejection." Kurt raises his head and looks at Rachel suspiciously.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Well…" she hesitates. "I just thought how you told he looked really flustered while telling you this, like he really did care about what you thought, a lot. And I can't help but think, why would he care _that_ much, if you were just a casual friend for him. Maybe there is more to it than-"

"Don't start writing some Harlequin novel out of this, ok? This is my life, this stuff is really happening." Kurt says, loudly, because he is so angry at Rachel for trying to plant these seeds of hope in his head, when he knows, is dead certain, that it's all empty, that there is no reality where that kind of hope would become true. Hope is only going to hurt more. And worse, him having foolish hope might just make Kurt act in ways that don't only hurt Kurt but Blaine as well. And that just can't happen.

"Kurt!" Rachel sounds angry now too, but more like she wants to rile Kurt up so he would pay attention to what she is saying, not really honestly angry at him. "This is your life, and that is exactly why this is important! You can't give up like this! And you certainly deserve this. And from what you've told me, Blaine deserves you, too." Kurt snorts, but Rachel stops him. "No, you listen to me this time," she says firmly. "You told me a lot about Blaine and I'm telling you something doesn't add up. From everything you have told me, him blushing after you flirted with him_ just_ before he seemingly rejected you-"

"Rachel, he _flinched_-"

"I know I know! But why would he blush before, if he was that repulsed by you?!" Rachel throws her hands in the air in desperation, and Kurt wants to do the same.

"I don't _know _why, Rachel! Why am I that repulsive?!"

Rachel looks suddenly really small, and really sad. "…You are not repulsive, Kurt. You're not." she says in small voice. Kurt doesn't answer. Rachel turns more desperate, pleading now, not even pausing to breathe in desperation to get it all out.

"Look, just listen to me this once, please. He blushed when you winked, but a minute later he flinched when you touched him. One of these actions doesn't make sense. There is something more to this than him just not liking your advances." Kurt stays silent and tries very hard to look like he is not listening. "And today, he was willing to tell you about his weaknesses, he opened up for you. Do you really think Blaine is the kind of guy, who opens up to just anyone about things that make him vulnerable?" Rachel thinks he hears a near silent 'no' huffed into a sofa pillow. This lets her feel more hopeful that her current tactics are working. "And, Kurt, the way you told he was worried about you being hurt by him, and also the fact that he spent an hour with you in the coffee shop looking, I quote you, 'relieved and happy', do you really believe that all of that doesn't mean anything at all?"

Kurt huffs his 'yes', but this time it's weaker, less confident, more like desperate self-preservation. Which it is. Because no matter how well he can act not listening, he can't help hearing. Rachel's words have planted a tiny seed of hope, and it's so very painful stuck there inside him, it feels like stab wound, because he can't really believe it could be nothing else but a source for a future pain. But it is there and it wont come out.

* * *

**026 - A hit to the head**

The room is eerily quiet, considering that he and Zach are both in there. Blaine has been lying motionless on his bed for over two hours now, but it's not because he is sleeping or tired. He is just not thinking about important things, as well as he can. Zach is watching some movie on his computer with headphones on, so Blaine can't hear anything. Blaine lets his thoughts wander in random directions, just as long as they don't touch the important subjects, because he doesn't want to do that. Today has been a day that potentially could trigger a lot of unpleasant but necessary thoughts and he really just doesn't want to think them. Zach, apparently, doesn't understand this.

"What is your problem this time, exactly?" Zach asks abruptly, taking his headphones off.

"W-what?" Blaine starts, stunned, mostly because the silence is broken so suddenly.

"Your subconscious was calling me to talk through whatever it is that's going on in your head with you, and I'm always at his service whenever he needs me, so that's what I'm doing. What's wrong?" Zach smiles, but his tone is firm. Blaine has no escape.

"Nothing." he mutters, but Zach won't have it.

"No way there is nothing wrong. You've been lying there like a mummy in progress, waiting for someone to salt you and wrap you in fabric. So spill." Blaine does.

He tells Zach all about the cool guy photo shoot incident from last week and how things have been since. He tells him about the weirdness around them after that and Blaine's desperation. He tells him about how Kurt found Aino and his non-jealousy about the subject. He tells about today and what they talked about. Blaine has been talking for about twenty minutes when he thinks he got it all and he looks back at Zach. Waiting for an answer of any kind. Zach looks at him weirdly.

"Wait a moment.. Let me just make sure I got this right." Blaine shrugs to say, _go ahead, it's good if someone can manage that. _"So, you were convinced that Kurt doesn't want a boyfriend out of you and doesn't need you crushing on him, so you tried to get rid of it. But then you couldn't and you felt bad, and when Kurt was flirting with you during the photo shoot, you shrank away from him, because you wanted to protect his innocence or some shit. Then Kurt was all cold and distant and you thought he was angry at you so you thought you needed to be more professional and less friendlike with him so you won't hurt him more. Then, God help you, he found another friend in this city and you felt not-jealous for it because you didn't have a right to feel so. Then your insecurities got hold of you and Kurt noticed it - and despite all your weirdness he wanted to help you and came to your rescue. And he told you he needs you. Did I miss something?"

Blaine has gone really small and is cuddling a pillow semi-desperately. The story doesn't sound so good when told like that. He shakes his head. Zach sighs.

"What the fuck is even happening in your head, Blaine!? I always knew you were oblivious, but I never thought you could manage this level of cluelessness." he half shouts to Blaine, sounding a bit frustrated. Blaine let out a startled sound and looks almost scared.

"What? Why are _you _angry at me?" he asks, a little bit indignant.

"What in the name of the devil made you think Kurt wouldn't want you to like him in the first place? Or made you so sure Kurt doesn't like you the same way? Just explain that to me, because from where I'm standing, it makes about as much sense as the amount of gel you sometimes put in your hair." That stops Blaine's moping and he starts to speak, to explain so Zach could see his point. He isn't so sure he saw it himself anymore.

"Look. Kurt has been through a lot, a lot more than I, or you, even know, so how can I just go and place my advances on him, when he already has so much things he needs to go through. I know my photography project is important to him, so I cannot ruin that by crushing on him now. I need to be what he needs me to be, I can't…"

"You can't what, Blaine?" Zach interrupts him, not angry at all but dead serious now. "Blaine, what makes you think you can decide what he does or doesn't need? You are not his therapist and you are not his superhero either, no matter what delusions you may nurture in your head."

"But, I don't even have a clue what all he has gone through, I can't accidentally hurt him more…"

"For once you are right. You _don't _have a clue, man. So don't pretend like you do and decide these things for him. He probably has no clue either, what to do in this situation, but it doesn't make you any more a hero. If you want to be fair with him, then get off your high horse, and don't decide what your relationship should be like. Be honest with yourself and with him and let it become what it wants to become. I'm not saying he is desperately in love with you, because I have no idea what he feels, but let him decide whether or not he likes you. You are afraid that you might hurt him, and you should be, because it's a very real possibility, probable even. But you can't decide this for him, it's his decision, what he can or cannot handle. Besides, you have no idea how your actions this far might have hurt him."

That makes Blaine recoil, as if the words physically hurt him. "I have never meant to hurt him!" he says, his voice pleading for some sort of comfort. Tough luck, because Zach is not giving him any. What Blaine needs now is a hit to the head, not a hug. Hugs can come later.

"I know you have your hero complex and a pathological need to help people, but have you ever even tried to think about this from his perspective, Blaine? How it might have felt to him when he, the shyest and most timid boy I've ever met, tried to flirt with you and you physically rejected him? In the worst way possible? Have you even thought what it means that he tried to flirt with you? What if it wasn't just a show, what if he really likes you that way too and you've been pushing him away, after first being so super friendly with him. And even if he just likes you as a friend only, you suddenly changing the whole dynamic between the two of you without explaining anything to him, do you think he is not going to take that badly? You think you telling him you like him when he doesn't feel the same would be painful for him, but he is fragile in many ways, in ways that you _don't know_, like you pointed out earlier. He doesn't have a hundred friends or a perfect self-confidence, so from what I see, what you do _matters_ to him, a lot, Blaine. So don't be a selfish prick and just concentrate on what you think is good or bad for you and him. He doesn't need a superhero, he needs a human being."

Zach looks drained by the end of his little sermon. Blaine just feels numb, a little in pain, and more than a little stupid, even mortified. He has truly been thrown off his metaphorical white battle horse, ridded of his shining armour and divested of his knighthood. Oh God. The fall kind of really hurt. He tells Zach so. Zach says that's good, because it's supposed to.

"I'm an idiot, aren't I?" Blaine asks Zach, with a strangely hollow voice.

"Nah, it's ok." Zach says, more cheerily now. "Just try not to be the next time." Blaine thinks he really needs to remember that particular piece of advice.

"Thanks, Barney." A pillow hits his face, and they are back to normal.

* * *

**027 - Defying gravity**

It seems everything has gone to normal, if not even better than before, after their talk on Sunday. Kurt doesn't know what exactly made Blaine change, but Blaine seems more relaxed, more cheerful, more like he's being real and not trying to be anything. It's not a big change, it's very subtle, but Kurt notices because he is pretty invested in Blaine and what he does. He doesn't know what changed Blaine, but he does know his talk with Rachel had changed him too, just a little. In a way, he feels like he should be more reserved, and he is, a lot of the time. He holds back, he watches Blaine a lot and he keeps his thoughts more to himself. But he is also more free in some ways, because he can't help the little glimmer of hope inside, and it makes his eyes see more than what they used to through the lenses of not believing in himself one bit. It's not really like he believes that he has any chances with Blaine and love any more than before, but he's looking for it, searching it, because he can't help hoping. Even if hoping is painful. Even still.

The last few days have been nice, between the two of them. They have been considering their next options for photo shoots and spending more time drinking coffee in their regular place (because it has become a regular place by now). They've been talking, about nothing important, but talking none the less. It's more Blaine than Kurt, but that's fine. Kurt likes to listen to Blaine. Blaine seems to like to talk to him. It's all good. Kurt wishes it could be more, but even this is more than he would have ever believed he could have, and there is no way he could ever be disappointed with this, a real, simple and happy friendship with a person like Blaine.

Today, they meet for coffee after classes, but Kurt doesn't really feel like drinking coffee, and when Blaine arrives he seems to be consumed by some vibrant energy, like he can't just stay sitting in one place for long or he will blow up. He looks absolutely enthralled about something, like he has a wonderful idea that he thinks is perfect and can't wait to share let alone make happen. There is a nervous undertone to his fluttering, like he might be unsure what Kurt will think of it, but his excitement and cheerfulness is radiating and Kurt can't help but think that he would agree with anything that makes Blaine look like that. He can't stop the wide smile that comes to his lips before Blaine even says hello.

"You look happy today," Kurt says quietly, still smiling, because when Blaine smiles like that, no one could not smile with him, unless they have had a really crappy day. And Kurt hasn't.

"I am happy, Kurt! I have an idea," Blaine states, and Kurt chuckles, because that much was so obvious already when Blaine was still on the other side of the window.

"I can see. What is it?" he asks.

"Well.." Blaine hesitates, but can't stop himself in the end. "I remembered seeing a dream in your book that said you wanted to sing on a real broadway stage and it just hit me that we should do exactly that! I overheard some girls in the cafeteria earlier, discussing some rumour that two students had broken into the Gershwin theater just to sing on the stage and the guard who found them had understood their childhood dreams and let them sing before ushering them out. I mean, isn't that great? And romantic? And I just immediately thought, we have to try this! It's your dream and I want to take a photo of you on a real Broadway stage!" Blaine looks so happy, and so very serious about this. Kurt feels scared, then a tiny bit of secret yearning, and then even more scared.

"Blaine… breaking into a theatre, that's just… no way we can do something like that.. I…" he doesn't know what to say. Blaine's excitement falls down just a little and it really pains Kurt that it was he who dampened Blaine's excitement. He want's to do anything to keep it there, but this.. this is just a bit too much.

"Yeah…" Blaine sighs. "I guess you're right." He looks fallen, but then he looks at Kurt again with his normal, not-excited-out-of-his-mind but still excited smile. "Maybe we could still do this dream, just take photos in front of the theatre and maybe go eat a dinner afterwards, in some fancy restaurant worthy of a broadway star, if we can't actually get you on the stage." Kurt smiles and nods, because this he can do, and, going out with Blaine doesn't sound that bad at all.

"Right now?" Kurt asks, still a bit apprehensive.

"Why not?" Blaine asks. So they go. They take a cap, and suddenly there they are sitting next to each other in the backseat of a taxi, not speaking much, but Blaine looks so easy and happy and Kurt feels Blaine's closeness as little pleasant pin prickles on his skin. Even if he is never going to have more, here he is, sitting with this wonderful friend, doing something spontaneous and fun and who cares if it's scary because it's really all for Kurt and his dreams. What could be better?

When they stand in front of the theatre, Blaine puts Kurt to stand in front of the building so he can get a picture of Kurt and the Wicked show ad. Kurt looks at Blaine and his camera and suddenly he sees it's not enough for Blaine. It's not going to be enough. Blaine wants to get inside. He watches Blaine's face as he stares at the door and thinks. He sees the exact moment when contemplation turns into determination, and Kurt thinks, _here we go…_ Blaine runs to the door and tries it. It's open.

Kurt feels unreal, like this is just not something Kurt Hummel should do, would ever even think of doing, but right now, Blaine is holding his hand and pulling him inside the empty theatre. They find a door again, and there is the stage for Wicked, right in front of them, calling for Kurt. He can't resist. He knows he would never really be able to sing in front of an audience like in this place, he had barely been able to open his mouth to sing back-up lines during the few months he had been in Glee, but he remembers all the times when he was a kid and his mom was still there and life was still simple and he danced to the music of Wicked and told his mom how he would be singing on that CD one day. He walks down to the stage. Blaine must have followed him, but he can only really concentrate on the stage and what it symbolises to him. Miraculously, no one has found them yet and he is standing on the same stage where they still play Wicked every night, and he feels so reckless, he has _broken into_ _a theatre_ and it feels exhilarating. He feels free. He feels like he could fly if he tried.

He opens his mouth and the words for Defying gravity are coming from his mouth without any conscious thought. He finds himself singing, very quietly and under his breath, but singing on a broadway stage nonetheless.

"Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity…"

Blaine is taking a picture. "you won't bring me down…" he whispers and even the whisper echoes in the empty hall.

Then they hear someone come in. A guard is shouting at them. The moment shatters but the exhilaration and the adrenaline stays. They run up the stairs to the guard and he seems angry but not too angry. After their breathless explanations that don't make much sense, their promises to leave immediately and Blaine deleting all the photos he has taken in front of the guard's watchful eyes, they find themselves in front of the theatre again, laughing in relief and excitement and because of all the adrenaline still running in their veins. And somehow, this has become a moment for Kurt, a moment in time that he knows he will always remember.

"Oh God," Blaine laughs, trying to catch his breath. "That was close."

"Yeah," Kurt breathes, still not really believing what just happened and that they actually just got away without any further problems. Blaine looks at him when the laughter finally dies, and his eyes are warm and happy.

"You sang on a real broadway stage."

"I did." Still the unbelief.

"I wish I still had the photos. The guard made me delete them all." Blaine looks apologetic at that. Kurt smiles at him reassuringly, because really, with or without the photos, that was unbelievable and Blaine is unbelievable.

"I don't need a photo to make a dream come true," he says, and he grins, because that is so very true. He takes the Book of dreams out of his back, and finds the right page to strike through his broadway dream. He may never sing to a real audience on that stage, but he sang there today and that is all he needs. He closes the book gently. Blaine looks at him like he has something to say.

"What?" Kurt asks.

"Maybe we can do another dream, as we have no photo evidence left of that last one. Like a two for one deal." Blaine smiles a lovely, possibly a little mischievous, crooked smile.

"Which dream would that be?"

"Any! Which ever! Say, the dream number… 61!" Blaine announces with a happy, silly voice. Without thinking Kurt opens the book and shuffles through the pages until he finds the dream number 61. He finds it, he reads it, and suddenly his elation is all gone. Fallen down. Vanished. He blushes and he feels a little desperate. He can't tell this one to Blaine. Blaine _can't_ see this. But Blaine is already reading over his shoulder.

"61. I just want to kiss a nice guy on the lips." he recites. His smile turns into a serious face now. The whole mood is changed, into something totally different, something strange, something … charged. Blaine's turned to face Kurt completely now and his stare is intense as his eyes dart between Kurt's. Suddenly Kurt notices how close they are standing, just the open book between their chests and he gulps but doesn't step away.

"Am I nice enough to count..?" Blaine asks, quietly, but before Kurt can even think to answer, Blaine's lips are on his. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know if he's capable of thinking. Or capable of breathing or moving. He wouldn't know if his heart was beating right now, but his blood is rushing in his ears, so it must be. His heart is beating and the Book of dreams is digging uncomfortably to his stomach and Blaine is kissing him, full on the mouth.

* * *

**A/N:** So, yeah, that just happened. What do you think about it all? :)

Also, in case anyone was worried, this story is nowhere near it's end yet. In many ways, it's just beginning.


	10. 028-030

**Author's note:** Ok, so, first of all: A huge thank you for all of you wonderful people who have reviewed and favourited this story! Your comments are the reason this story is still going on and developing.

Secondly, and this is important!: I am going to keep a christmas break of sorts from writing this story, so instead of next Tuesday you will get the next chapter two weeks from now, on January 1st. I'm visiting my family and I don't have as many possibilities to write there. But I'll be back in two weeks and after that it's back to an update once a week again. So please don't abandon the story just yet. :)

Thirdly: Please don't kill me for the cliffhangers.. They just seem to happen. :S

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing, please don't send feed me to the lions.

* * *

**028 - Thinking back**

Thinking about the day as a whole, Blaine can't really see how a day that started so well and showed every sign of becoming even better could become such a catastrophic failure in mere seconds, by a single relapse of judgement. But if Blaine is both honest and fair to himself, it is easy to understand why it all happened, why he did what he did.

He had been so excited about his sudden idea of a field trip of sorts and when Kurt had agreed (slightly hesitantly, sure, but still agreed) to go with him, he had been consumed by the spontaneity and inspirationality of the whole thing. Kurt had seemed happy too, and that made most of the fun, because this was mostly Blaine wanting to show Kurt something new and challenge him a bit to get out of his comfort zone, and it seemed to have worked. Their little break-in, Kurt being mesmerised by the stage and singing, even if Blaine hadn't actually heard anything, them being chased out of the building and finally their laughing fit outside the building had given him a carefree and happy feeling. He thought he had finally seen glimpses of the boy that Kurt's mother had named songbird. He felt like laughing, like he should just feel the world and do things, a sort of invincibility, like nothing he did now could go wrong. He let his guard down, and Kurt had seemed so carefree too, and that, of course, had been the reason things went so badly wrong.

After their laughter died he had felt like he really wanted to do more, because the theater visit had already been so much fun. So he just suggested that they do another dream, throwing a random number from the top of his head. Then Kurt had blushed and he had immediately known it must be something important. Some other day, some other moment, he would probably have let Kurt decide, whether or not he wants to show it to him, but today he just went and read it. And when he saw the dream a younger Kurt had written in his book, an innocent dream of wanting to kiss someone and be that near to another person, and seeing it not crossed out as if it had never happened yet... It made Blaine's heart twist. And, because of the way he was now, still feeling like he could and should do anything, and also because of what Zach had told him about being more honest about himself with Kurt, he had just gone and kissed Kurt.

If he had spent a few more seconds really thinking through his idea, he probably would not have done it. Being honest about his feelings and more real towards Kurt was one thing and jumping on him without letting him decide whether he wanted it was another. But, like already told, Blaine wasn't thinking in that moment, so he just went with it. And, for those few seconds, it was pure wonder. Kurt's lips were soft and quivering just a little, his cheek was silky smooth under Blaine's hand and after a while of stunned hesitation, Kurt kissed him back.

Then, like a lightning had hit between them, they were separated and there was a distance between them. For a second Blaine didn't get what was happening, he just stood and watched a blushing and panicked Kurt desperately pushing his book back into his bag, muttering something he couldn't quite catch and then half running away towards the direction of the nearest subway station. And then it hit him, like another bolt of lightning, more painful. What he had done (kissed Kurt), what he hadn't done (asked him first), and how, knowing him as well as Blaine already did, Kurt would react to something like that, regardless of how he felt about Blaine (getting scared, panicking, running away). Blaine didn't go after him, because there was no way that would help now.

Thinking back now, Blaine doesn't know if he could have stopped anything from happening. Maybe he could have, but now there is absolutely nothing he can do. He had been no better than the bully from Kurt's high school, kissing him forcefully, not giving him a chance to decide whether to pull away or lean forward, or even time to realise what was happening. Kurt was fragile in ways most of the guys Blaine has crushed on before weren't, and that made it even worse. And if he understood the dream in Kurt's book right, this was Kurt's first kiss with someone Kurt trusted, _a nice guy_, and there is a terrible kind of irony there. Kurt had got what he wished for, a kiss from a nice guy, but in a fashion that could hurt him just as deep, possibly even deeper, than what his bully had done.

So, Blaine doesn't know if he could have changed anything, and he doesn't want to go back to hating himself for everything he has done again, but he feels a horrible kind of pain in his chest for what he did. Once again his carelessness has hurt Kurt, when that is the last thing Blaine ever wants to do. Zach had told him that it's probable he will hurt Kurt again, but he hadn't expected it to happen so soon. Not like this. Because of his obliviousness or lack of understanding, maybe, but not this, because if he had just stopped to think today, he would have known this was a bad idea.

Blaine stands in front of a mirror in his and Zach's bathroom and watches his own face, so serious and painful now. He doesn't know what to do to make this better. He has no idea if there even is anything he could do at the moment. He thinks he just has to let Kurt decide if he wants to come back to this person in front of him, if he still is a nice guy to Kurt, a someone that Kurt can trust, or if that is all gone.

/

The next day Blaine is walking towards one of the student cafeterias, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck as the cold wind bites his skin, when Aino is suddenly there, waving her hand a little and smiling a small smile in greeting. He stops, because he doesn't want to be rude, but he doesn't know what to say to her. She is silent at first too, before she asks with a friendly smile "Have you seen Kurt lately?" Blaine's heart makes a tiny, painful twist and a little lump forms in his throat.

"Um.. yesterday," he manages to say, "yesterday I went with him to the theater district." He tries to smile, but the smile is awkward and fake. Aino seems to see through it, and it's like nothing people feel ever passes her notice, he thinks, but she doesn't push.

"I see," she gives him another friendly smile, more compassionate now, and Blaine suddenly understands why Kurt felt at ease with this girl so fast. "How are you?" she asks, and it's a real question, not an empty phrase.

"I don't know," Blaine answers honestly, feeling a little helpless.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offers. He looks at Aino in the eyes for a second, and decides on something quickly.

"No I'm ok, thank you. You could go meet Kurt, though. I think he would be happy to see you." Blaine tries to be subtle, so as not to let on too much about what happened, because he doesn't want to betray Kurt's trust, but thinking that Kurt could probably really benefit of every friend he can have around, especially someone calm and nice and understanding like Aino. _She really is so much better for Kurt than he is_. Aino looks at him thoughtfully. Understanding flashes in her eyes.

"I think I might." she says and Blaine feels weirdly thankful. She hesitates, but then says "Don't look like all hope is lost. Even the most complicated things can be solved if you just both want it." It feels like she's teaching him, but she softens it with her shy smile. Blaine doesn't understand how she _knows_, when she clearly hasn't heard any of what has happened.

"Have a nice day, Blaine" she says and starts to walk to the direction where Blaine just came from.

"You, too." he says to her turned back. She turns her head to send him one more smile, and he feels a tiny bit better.

* * *

**029 - Giving up**

_Blaine is kissing him. When the understanding of that finally comes to him, he kisses back. This is what he has been dreaming about ever since he met Blaine, and the reality is even better, because Blaine is solid and there and it's full with scents and feel and sounds, instead of a hazy dream… Dream. Full stop. The question Blaine asked before the kiss runs through his head. _'Am I nice enough to count…' _Is Blaine nice enough to count? Count for what? For fulfilling the dream desperate teenage Kurt had written in his book. That's it, the truth, right there. Blaine is kissing him just to fill another dream of his, just like he had promised. He had said they would do any dream and given a random number. He's just fulfilling his promise. He is not kissing Kurt, because he wants to, but because of a stupid dream._

_Kurt needs to get away. He jumps out of Blaine's touch like it burns (and it does). He puts his book away and runs, the only goal in his head to get far away before letting the full awareness get to him, before letting the tears come. Because they will. Nothing has changed after all, not inside him. He is still the same pathetic, silly little boy dreaming the wrong dreams, the dreams he won't ever have. The same stupid boy, who always cries, because that's the one thing he's good at._

_/_

The next day finds him near the graphic arts section on the second floor of the university library, leaning his back against the rows of books, between the shelves 225 and 226. The Eyes of Ice is open in his lap, but his eyes are closed, his head lying against the books. It's the first time in over a month he is here, not to study but just to find shelter and to hide. He hasn't been hiding for a long time, not really. He has had panic attacks, he's been desperate and felt hopeless sometimes, he has run away from people and from problems, but he hasn't felt the numb need to fade away, to be forgotten.

But now, here he is. In the same place where Blaine found him so many weeks ago. The corner is the same, all the same books in the same order, not a person in sight. These books are neglected and forgotten by people, they are too outdated and about unpopular subjects. Very fitting for him.

He doesn't want to feel like this, doesn't want to go back to pitying himself and disliking everything that he is, not believing in anything he could be. He has gotten a taste of what life could be, of what _he_ could be, and this hiding doesn't feel as good as it used to. It feels more like a prison, now, than a safe nest. But he can't help but to feel this is all he can have, at least for now. This is the only sure, stable thing he has. The only thing he won't lose.

He had known that the seed of hope would be painful. It is. Because honestly, if he had just realised from the start that Blaine only kissed him for the dream, he would have taken it gladly. He would have been thankful even, that he got to taste that small piece of heaven on Blaine's lips. But that day and everything that happened right before the kiss had filled him with the hope, and for a few blissful, ignorant seconds he had believed that what was happening was real, that Blaine had kissed him because he truly wanted to. He had seen what could be and believed it would become true. And the fall from that to back here, in this godforsaken corner in the library, was too high to leave him undamaged.

He sighs and get's up. As he does, he glances back to the book in his hands, sees the page where, just when Marie and Aenor had been reunited and thought all would be well, everything falls to shit and they need to run to save their lives. Why does it always have to go that way? Why do they always have to fall when they think they have gotten to a high place, where nothing can touch them? He gets back home and Rachel is there, trying to make him talk about it, but he doesn't want to. Why should he talk, what good could it bring now? He feels tired, and he knows it is because he has given up. Given up on a lot of things, on his dreams of Blaine, on a lot of other dreams, on himself even, on his hope of getting better and finding the person he is. it's different from panicking, more calm and also much more disappointing. Giving up makes him hate himself, not the world around, and he doesn't like it one bit.

Aino comes a few hours later, and he is happy to see her face, but the depression is seeping into his pores and he doesn't really get what she is saying. He hears but doesn't _hear_. When she leaves, he feels more helpless than in a long time, and that makes him acutely aware of just how much he is fighting all the time, even when he feels like he is never going to be anything. And suddenly he knows again that he can't be like this forever, he has people to answer to, and he'll be there fighting again soon. He owes that to people, to himself. He knows he has to get out of it, eventually. He needs to face the world, face Blaine, and try to gather himself in one piece again. Tomorrow he'll get up deciding that he can survive, to be a Hummel like his dad has said to him so many times, but today he still feels too tired. He just needs this one night to let it all lay to rest. Tomorrow, he'll have the courage.

He doesn't explain this trail of thought to Rachel, though, so she has no way of knowing Kurt latest decision. What she sees is a Kurt who is more down and lifeless than she has ever seen him, and she knows it's something concerning Blaine, because Aino told her about her meeting with Blaine earlier and, frankly, she doesn't think anyone else could get Kurt into this kind of state. She feels angry, because Blaine had let himself into Kurt's life, Blaine had been the one to insist being there and putting himself in a position where he had the power to affect Kurt like this, and now he has done whatever it is he's done to make Kurt lose himself like this. She feels angry, because her friend is hurting and she can't do much anything to change it.

So she finds Kurt's phone, goes to Blaine's number and presses call. A flustered Blaine answers with a stumbling "H-hello? Kurt?" She doesn't let Blaine talk more, though.

"It's Rachel, Kurt's roommate and best friend. You just listen to me, now. I don't know what happened, but Kurt is miserable and it's your fault. He's been talking about you so much and how could you? My dads have taught me to always take responsibility of my actions, and it seems someone should teach you the same lesson." She huffs dramatically. She knows she's not making a lot of sense, but she just needs to get her message across and also vent to someone because her best friend is hurting. Strictly speaking she isn't sure it is Blaine's fault in any way, but it has to be somebody's fault and Blaine is the main suspect.

Blaine tries to say something, but Rachel interrupts him again. "Just get yourself here and deal with this. Apologise of whatever, I don't know, just do what you have to to get things better."

"I'm not sure if Kurt wants to see me right-" Blaine starts, but Rachel is not in the mood for listening.

"I don't care! You started this, you need to face it too, and not hide away like a coward. If you don't come now, don't expect to be welcome later!" She shuts the phone as angrily as possible with a touch screen phone, regretting the fact how unsatisfactorily neutral it is to hang up on someone on a cell phone. It'd nothing like the good old days with heavy receivers to smash on the poor machines. You can't even press the end call button hard with a touch screen.

A slight suspicion is creeping in her mind that what she just did might not have been the best possible option in this situation. She really doesn't know what has happened, and she does not know how Kurt will react if Blaine really comes in now. Kurt might take it badly, because on the bad days he always wants to be left alone. Usually he decides when he's ready to face people and nothing good comes from trying to talk to him before. She feels a bit uneasy and a bad feeling crawls over her - the awareness that this might actually end up worsening the situation - and she's tempted to call Blaine again and tell him not to come. But it's already done and she doubts her call would change things now. Besides, she's not good at telling people she was wrong. She just hopes Kurt won't be worse off because of it, or, more acutely, be angry and break her bones, because she needs them intact for the dance lessons in NYADA.

* * *

**030 - Nothing to apologise for**

Blaine feels so over his head as he stands behind Kurt and Rachel's appartment door and tries to find the courage to knock. Rachel phone call had been a bit of a shock and after it he had only thought he needed to go visit Kurt, but not really what was going to happen. Kurt was obviously angry at him, otherwise Rachel wouldn't know to blame him. So he needs to go and try to make things better, like Rachel said. On the way there he had resolved that he needed to give Kurt space to share his thoughts and to not push his feelings to the conversation too much. He violated Kurt, so Kurt should be the one who decides what happens now. But, if he can, he also wants to make Kurt sure that he really wanted the kiss and that he has feelings for Kurt. It's time to be honest, at least as honest as he can without hurting Kurt any more. But, no matter what decisions he may have made, he still doesn't know how Kurt will react to him coming or to anything, so he will let Kurt lead.

He takes a deep breath and knocks. The door opens with a loud screech and Blaine sees a small but fierce looking girl scowling at him.

"Rachel?" he asks. The girl huffs in affirmation and lets him in. He hasn't been in the apartment before, but Rachel sent him the address so he could find it. It's one big room in an old building, furnished with secondhand, mismatched things, and it's surprisingly cozy. He doesn't see Kurt, though, and he gets a bad feeling that Kurt doesn't have any idea that Blaine was coming. This might have been a bad idea after all, but it's too late to change anything now. He is here and has to deal with it.

"Where is he?" Blaine half-whispers, having trouble getting any sounds out, and she points to a curtain separating a part of the room from the rest. Blaine walks there and tries to call for Kurt but he gets no answer. He peeks behind the curtain cautiously and sees Kurt lying on the bed, possibly asleep. This is not good. He starts to turn but the Rachel girl is still scowling, as if to point out what she said on the phone, that if he doesn't do this now, he won't be welcome later. He calls Kurt's name again and steps in.

It feels strangely muted inside, seeing Kurt's lying form on the made bed, the area behind the curtain only lit with a small bedside lamp and the small amount of light that comes through and over the curtain. It feels like all the sounds have gone down, like he has entered a dream, even if logically the sounds can't be much quieter here. He really doesn't feel like he should be there, it feels like he is trespassing Kurt's most secret place, almost getting under his skin and seeing him without even that layer as protection. Blaine feels he himself is too naked.

"Kurt?" he says again, a bit louder this time. He sees Kurt's form start a little and then slowly rising up.

"Blaine?" he asks, his voice full of disbelief and incredulity. It seems Kurt's not even sure yet if this is real.

"Kurt.." he says again, and sees the moment when Kurt registers this is really happening. The moment when Kurt's face closes off and his whole posture stiffens.

"Why are you here?" Kurt's voice is almost lifeless.

"Rachel called me.. a while ago.. and told me to come. So I'm here," he ends awkwardly, shrugging a bit and feeling instantly stupid. Kurt nods a little and looks away. Blaine feels like at this point the whole thing could go in so many ways, there are so many ways how this could end, based on what is said next, and none of them feel good.

"Of course she would call you," Kurt mutters, wringing his hands a bit. Then he lets out a breath, sounding so very tired, and looks up at Blaine again. When he sees Kurt's weary expression, Blaine just wants to tell him to close his eyes and sleep. He settles for apologies though.

"Kurt, I am so sorry.. I don't know what to say, I screwed up.." Blaine says, wringing his hands now just like Kurt did a minute ago.

"For what?" Kurt asks, "You only did what you promised, fulfilled my dream, just like you've done with the others. Thank you for that." Kurt's voice is neutral and hollow. He is looking at Blaine but not really seeing him. And it seems like to Kurt it really was nothing more, and that he wants no more than that, either. It feels like a ball of snow pushed inside his shirt collar, melting on his back, a kind of bone deep rejection, but he doesn't and won't say anything, because they are going by Kurt's rules now. He doesn't see how he could tell Kurt anything about his feelings now, they've already turned the wrong way for that.

"There's no need for thank you's," he says because he can't think of anything else to say. His voice sounds off and timid, and he feels so rejected and he wants to go away and lick his wounds, no matter that it was he who hurt Kurt in the first place. The words get a reaction from Kurt but it's hard to read what it is.

"I'm just sorry that I came onto you like that, I should have asked you first," Blaine continues, trying to explain why he was sorry, because he owes the apology to Kurt, whatever else he is feeling at the moment.

"You asked, though," Kurt points out.

"That doesn't really count, and I didn't let you answer. I feel like I was no better than your high school bully," Blaine says, a bit desperate now.

Kurt looks up at him sharply at that, looking almost angry. "You were nothing like my bully. I know you, I trust you." He breathes and the small signs of life seep out of him again. "You did nothing wrong," he almost whispers, voice full with some unknown but clearly not good feeling. It makes Blaine feel worse, despite the words, and he tries to explain more.

"I just, I guess the whole theater trip was so exhilarating that I was left over with some reckless, daring energy. Then I saw the dream and I didn't even think, I just did it.. I swear I did not mean anything bad to you," he finishes, a little helplessly now. Kurt has closed himself off again, looking only half there, like the Snow White of earlier times is back.

"No need to explain, I understand. I don't blame you. There's nothing to apologise for" he states, looking somewhere just past Blaine, and Blaine knows the conversation is over. He gulps, and lets the next question out without thinking.

"Are- I hope we are still friends, Kurt?"

Kurt looks at him for a brief moment, before looking past him again. "Of course we are."

"That's.. that's good." Blaine utters, feeling like the words meant nothing, that this is the point where their ways part.

"Goodbye, Blaine" Kurt says and looks into his idle hands in his lap. Blaine takes a step back and turns to leave.

"Goodbye, Kurt," he says before stepping back to the main room. He sees Rachel sitting on the sofa with headphone, pretending like she hasn't listened to their talk, but not really convincing Blaine at all. He doesn't say anything though, just walks to the door and starts down the stairs.

He takes his time, almost sleep walking down the stairs. He can't imagine how wrong the whole conversation went, managing to ensure everything he wanted to avoid. He doesn't know where he is going next. Everything feels blurred. When he gets to the main door, he just leans against the wall next to it for a while, not wanting to face the truth of leaving just yet. He is planning to just stay and breathe there, just for a little while, before leaving. But just when he opens his eyes and his hand goes for the door handle, he hears someone running down the stairs.

"Blaine, wait!"

* * *

**A/N: **Please tell me what you think! Have a merry Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you might or might not celebrate, and a happy New year!


	11. 031-033

**Author's note:** Hey guys! I hope you had a nice christmas. :) I did. Anyway, the two week break is over and here is the next chapter. I hope it makes up for the wait!

**Disclaimer:** Glee is still not mine, I'm just playing in my virtual sandbox.

* * *

**031 - Finally**

When Blaine leaves, Kurt just wants to sleep and think about the whole thing more tomorrow. It's too difficult a subject to dwell on now, how Blaine practically told him that he only kissed him for the dream. It is one thing to know it and one thing to hear it confirmed. He is so tired of being put down and used. And just like that, some very unfamiliar, and very empowering, kind of deep anger rises inside him. How dared Blaine do that to him? How dared Rachel call Blaine to come here, when she didn't even know what happened? Why does everyone else have the right to decide for him how he feels and what he needs? And how can he himself just let people do it without even resisting? He feels anger towards the world, towards Blaine, towards himself for being so weak, he feels absolutely furious and that makes him get out of the bed and run to the door.

Rachel calls to him but he just flips her the bird (for what is probably the first time he has ever done that to anyone in his life) and starts to run down the stairs. He is fuming and it also makes him feel strangely good, because finally, _finally _he is doing something for himself, finally he is fighting instead of running away from people who hurt him. The pattern has been going for too long, but no more, he will change it even if it's the hardest thing he will ever do. Even if it's something he has to do things he would normally never dare to, like what he is doing right now.

He sees Blaine from above, just about to open the door, and shouts for him to wait. Blaine turns and his eyes widen as he sees Kurt, running down the last steps before stopping in front of him, panting slightly and probably bright red with anger. Then Kurt starts to yell, loud.

"You know what, Blaine? You don't get to do that and just leave with a 'sorry'. You don't get to have that conversation with me and just leave. You don't get to kiss me and then apologise afterwards, because that is unfair and hurtful and a horrible thing to do and I won't let you leave with that!" Kurt stops to breathe for a second, and notices that Blaine has gone slightly pale. He won't let Blaine think about a defense though, because now it's his turn in the spotlight.

"How could you, Blaine? How could you just kiss me like that, without asking or explaining, how could you decide to fulfil my dream for me like that? Because, you know what, that did not fulfil anything! Not a single fucking thing!" Kurt is momentarily shocked that he cursed, because that never happens, but then the anger distracts him again. "That dream was written by a lonely boy who wanted to find a true love, and yeah, maybe it was naïve, and maybe I'm so pathetic that no one will ever want to voluntarily kiss me, but it doesn't give you the permission to steal that kiss from me! I'm tired of people deciding things for me! How could you just decide that you get to be the guy who gives me my first kiss? And even if I wanted you to be my first kiss, how could you ever think that I would want it to happen because of a stupid fucking dream in my book? How bad do you think that makes me feel? How pathetic do you think that makes me? That the only way I could get that kiss of my dreams was because I am some charity case for the guy, some silly little ugly duckling you are helping to make you feel like a good person? Because you are not a hero, Blaine! What you did was wrong and I'm not going to let you walk away with it!"

Kurt stops his yelling to breathe, not ready to quit yet, but the quiet that falls over them when he stops startles him momentarily. He realises just how loudly he has been yelling, almost screaming in the end, and he also notices that there are tears falling down his face. Suddenly the spotlights turned only on him feel like they are burning him a little. He's pretty sure he is uglier than ever, with his face red and blotchy with the anger, his hair and clothes messed up with the sleep, his eyes red with the crying and his nose slightly stuffed. Knowing how bad he must looks makes him only angrier though, and he hates the fact that Blaine isn't even defending himself.

"Why aren't you saying anything?! Don't you have anything to say for yourself? Why aren't you fighting back?" he cries, frustrated, more and more annoyed by the fact that Blaine is just standing there, staring at him, looking scared. "Say something!" After a second Blaine opens his mouth.

"Kurt…" he manages to get out. He looks like in pain. Kurt doesn't want him to be in pain, because Kurt is the one hurting here. Blaine has no right to be in pain; he's supposed to be the strong one of them.

"Kurt, I never once thought to kiss you because I wanted to make your dream come true." Blaine's voice is pleading for Kurt to hear and understand what he's saying, "I was happy and yeah, the dream in your book gave me the thought to do it, but I did it because I wanted to. God, I've wanted to for so long, you don't even know, Kurt." Blaine looks Kurt in the eye all through his revelation and Kurt doesn't know what to think. He doesn't even know what that means. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't see from behind the lights.

"…What?"

"I can't believe you never saw it, but Kurt, I've liked you for so long. You're gorgeous, and funny, and so smart, you have such a kind, caring heart, and the most unique mind, and whenever I see glimpses of the real you behind the mask you show to the world, God, you are the most real person I know." Kurt tries to understand what the words mean, and he's getting there, _Blaine is saying he _likes _Kurt_, but then Blaine continues. "I tried to stop myself from feeling this way, but I can't and I'm sorry. For that and for the kiss." Blaine looks down then and Kurt's anger gets up again at Blaine's apology, twice as hot.

"What do you mean 'tried to stop it'? What are you saying, exactly, Blaine? Are you saying that I'm such a stupid, hopeless case that you hated the idea of falling for me? I wasn't good enough for you?" his voice is rising again. "And don't you dare apologise for the kiss!" he adds.

"Kurt, no!" Blaine's voice is slightly horrified. "No, of course I didn't think you weren't good enough for me! If someone isn't good enough, it's me. When I heard your story about the bullies, I just didn't want to cause you any more discomfort or pain. And our project was so important for you, I couldn't jeopardise it by showing you feelings you didn't return." Blaine looks like Kurt should understand this, but the only thing Kurt understands is that Blaine is a fucking idiot.

"What in the world made you think I wouldn't return your feelings?" he shouts. Blaine looks like someone hit him. Kurt's glad. "What do you even know about my discomfort and pain?! I didn't want a frigging guidance counselor, I wanted you, whatever the hell you are!" Kurt feels ridiculously good shouting all these curse words, they make him feel strong. They are maybe not him, but he is here on the stage with the lights pointing at him and he can do anything, and he doesn't want to let go of this power. Even if a new kind of awareness is coming to him slowly, telling him something very important is happening right now.

"I just wanted to help you!" Blaine says back, for the first time filled with a little anger back. The lights are turned on both of them now and that makes it easier in some ways.

"Well, news flash, you didn't!" Kurt retorts. It looks like Blaine's initial answer to that is pushed back from the tip of his tongue, just in time, and he comes up with another, more safe one.

"You say you wanted me, then why didn't you tell me?" he asks, angry and pleading at the same time.

"Did you already forget what you just told me? _You_ pushed me away because _you_ didn't want to bother me with your feelings! How do you think I would have dared to tell my knight in shining armor anything when he keeps holding me away with his pretty lance?!"

"Fine, I'm sorry, ok! I really am! I'm an idiot and it's all my fault!" Blaine says back, not quite shouting, but still heated, raising his hands and flopping then down in some sort of desperation. For some reason that makes Kurt deflate a little.

"No it's not. It's not all about you." Kurt says, firm and accusing but calmer. The stage lights dim, and all looks more real. Blaine makes a little involuntary move as a new kind of understanding sparks in his eyes.

"That's what Zach tried to tell me," he mutters.

"What?"

"Zach told me the same thing, a little while ago." he says, louder, looking at Kurt in the eyes again. Kurt huffs out an involuntary laugh.

"I never pictured him as the wise one." Blaine chuckles a little helplessly at that.

"You are an idiot." Kurt states. Then he notices how he has been getting nearer to Blaine this whole time, how close they have been standing during the last part of the yelling match, the last retorts shouted at each others faces. Kurt raises his hand, and hits Blaine's chest with a loose fist, with no real strength in it. "You are such an idiot." he repeats, and sniffles once.

"I know. Zach told me that too." Blaine says, with a tiny smile.

"Wise man, that Master Zach." Kurt mutters and hits Blaine again. Then he kisses Blaine, hard, fuelled with the remains of the anger he still feels. Blaine kisses him back, and the kiss somehow turns tender somewhere in the middle of it. Before Kurt can truly feel it though, Blaine pulls back, still holding him.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt, for kissing you like that yesterday," he says, eyes honest and pleading. Kurt's eyes flash with anger again.

"No! You _don't_ apologise for that. I don't want an apology, I want it to be real."

"It _was_ real, honestly, it was my dream come true too, Kurt. I had been wanting to do it for so long, I just always thought that I couldn't."

"You are such a stupid fucking bastard," Kurt mutters into Blaine's neck.

"I'm sorry I ever made you think like I didn't want it. That I didn't want you. Because I do want you, so much."

Blaine kisses Kurt this time, and he feels the anger finally ebb away as he really feels the soft touch of Blaine's lips. Which also leaves him with the realisation that they have been having their shouting match in the hallway in front of the main door of the building, and some old granny is peeking through her door a little further down the hallway. The stage lights are turned off, the play is finished, and the auditorium is filled with light again. Kurt blushes hard and tries to pull from Blaine, back to his normal frame of mind, feeling shy and kinda like running away from the situation.

Blaine pecks his lips once more and tells him, "I will never feel sorry for kissing you, as long as you want it." Kurt smiles a little at that. Blaine starts to gently pull him up the stairs.

"Come on, Kurt. I think we need to talk some more."'

* * *

**032 - After the storm**

Blaine's head is so messed up. He had an idea, or he thought he had, when he pulled Kurt up the stairs, but now that their sitting on Kurt's bed and Rachel has awkwardly excused herself from the apartment, he has no clue what he is going to say. It feels surprisingly awkward, because just twenty minutes ago Blaine was so sure that he and Kurt would never be anything, and then Kurt had yelled at him (_and who was that yelling person even, because he doesn't know that Kurt_) and it felt even worse for a while, until he started to really hear what Kurt was saying and he was filled with both guilt, and anger, and increasing hope. Then the kiss had happened and now suddenly they are... together? What? He doesn't know what they are. Or what even happened, not really. It had been one big hurricane, strong and fast, turning everything upside down. But this awkward doesn't feel that bad at all, not like it did earlier, because Kurt kissed him and they are still holding hands. Until Kurt pulls his hand away and hugs himself with it.

"Blaine, I… uh, I'm sorry I screamed at you like that, I don't know what got to me.. Or, I do know, I was angry and maybe I still am a little, but.. I never scream. I'm never angry like that. I'm just… not." Kurt looks more bewildered and confused than sorry as he speaks, looking at his lap.

"You were right, though, about a lot of things. And you definitely had a right to be angry." He says, trying to make it come across as honest as he feels it is. He tries to catch Kurt's eyes and smiles a little self-deprecatingly when he does. "God knows I've been so stupid."

Kurt lets out a little, shaky laugh. "Yeah, I guess so. But so have I."

"How so?"

"I've… well, I've liked you for so long, almost since we met, but I.. I always thought you could never be interested in me, because you were so out of my league.." Kurt struggles with the words, blushing and not meeting Blaine's eye now. Blaine thinks he is so cute, and oh God, is he actually allowed to think that? Is he allowed to say that?

"And all the while I was liking you just the same, thinking you didn't need me like that…"

"I really can't understand where you got that idea," Kurt mutters, a little bit dismay in it again, just enough to show that he really doesn't like that particular thought of Blaine's.

"I guess I was just trying to be a hero… And maybe I was insecure as well, afraid that I would hurt you and how that would then hurt me. Or something. I don't even know." Blaine feels pretty stupid. But then he feels Kurt's fingers gently, hesitantly brushing his knuckles, and suddenly he doesn't feel that bad at all.

"But were here now," Kurt whispers.

"Guess that counts as something, " Blaine gives Kurt a crooked little smile and gets one back. His heart makes a happy little skip. It's all so open still and he doesn't know anything that is to come, but they are sitting on Kurt's bed holding hands and smiling and it does really count as something. It's already huge.

They sit in silence for a while after that, looking around and sometimes at each other, occasionally smiling a little and then more thoughtful again, errant fingers cautiously mapping out each others hands all the while. It's peaceful. They both have a lot to think, Blaine knows, and they have a lot to talk, but he guesses they both need this little moment to just make sure the other one is really there and trying to wrap their minds around everything. There is so much to figure out yet. So many questions are going through Blaine's head, and after a while, one just slips out from his mouth, without planning.

"Did you really like me ever since the day we met?" he asks, and Kurt's eyes widen in surprise. Then he blushes a little.

"Well not.. not the first day. I was scared of you then.. But when you left me that photo.. and when you asked me for coffee- well, you were this awesome, handsome, cool guy and how couldn't I?" Kurt's looking the other way, sounding shy and embarrassed, but still smiling. Blaine's smile is almost involuntary, in the sense that he couldn't possibly have stopped it even if he tried. He doesn't really feel like trying.

They talk a lot after that, a little awkwardly, a little embarrassed, a little scared even, as they try to tell each other about their real feelings, and explain their thoughts of what had been going on before. They don't say it all, saving more intimate and dangerous details to themselves. Blaine feels he's not ready to confess everything yet and he can feel Kurt is keeping some things from him too, but that's ok. It's already more than enough for today. They explain and ask, and they groan together at all the misunderstandings they have had and admonish each other a bit more for not seeing the other's point of view, but it's all gentle and careful and shy, and they never stop holding hands, even though their hands start to feel hot and damp at some point, because it's way too nice and they have been waiting for it way too long.

Eventually the topic of their history leading to this point is exhausted for now, and they are left with the present and the future. Which feels still so very open and fragile, like the whole thing could be blown away any minute by the weakest gust of wind.

"What are we?" Kurt asks quietly.

"I don't know? What do you want us to be?" Blaine asks, trying to dig the answer from Kurt's eyes. Kurt turns away.

"I… I guess I really don't know. I'm sorry, I just.. I never really thought _this_ could happen, even, so I never thought what would come next." Kurt looks vulnerable now, trying to hide into himself, and Blaine wants to hug him, so bad. Then he realises he can, now, and _wow isn't that a wonderful thought_, so he does. He wraps his free arm around Kurt's shoulders, not too hard so as to let Kurt have his space. Kurt freezes for a second but then leans against him, just a bit.

"There's no hurry." Blaine says. Kurt doesn't answer for a while.

"I'm just… I don't know anything. This is so new, and foreign. It feels unreal. Good, but so unreal." A pause. "I'm a little scared, Blaine." The last part comes out so quiet Blaine almost doesn't hear it. Blaine's heart aches for Kurt a bit, he sounds so overwhelmed. He can only imagine how hard it is for Kurt to say that out loud. To admit he is afraid.

"Don't be. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I'm not sure what I'm really ready for. I really like you but it's just.. it's just a lot. I'm sorry." Blaine hugs him a little tighter, hoping to reassure him that he doesn't have to be sorry and that Blaine understands. Because he does. Who hasn't been there? Who hasn't felt a bit over their head at the first mutual crush with someone? Who hasn't been afraid by the newness of it? And with Kurt, shy and scared of all people Kurt, it must be such a huge, scary thing to like somebody in this new way, making himself so vulnerable in front of another person. Hell, it's huge and scary for Blaine too, even though it's not his first time with a guy. It's different and it's new because this is Kurt and Kurt is real in a completely new way to him.

"Don't be sorry. It's all ok. You don't have to be ready for anything right now. We don't have to be anything yet… Or ever, if you never feel like it. We'll just see what comes, okay?"

"Okay." Kurt sighs, nuzzling on Blaine's shoulder a little, so carefully, body still a bit tense, like a rabbit testing this new friendly predator, ready to flee if Blaine ends up trying to bite him after all. Blaine feels the overwhelming need to protect as he tips his own head to gently lean on Kurt's. It's been such a storm and now they're left to find where they have been thrown by the violent gusts. But, even if the world they know is left in pieces, at least the tornado is gone and the skies are slowly clearing.

After a small silence he hears Kurt say through a shy but self-satisfied smile "The yelling felt good though." Blaine let out a startled laugh.

"I bet it did." he smiled and thought, _how wonderful can one person be?_

* * *

**033 - A dream**

It's quiet. It's already gone dark outside long ago, but they haven't bothered to turn on the lights, so Kurt can barely see around him. But sight doesn't matter. They are lying on Kurt's bed, side by side, hands touching. They have been talking until just recently, but now they have somehow lost the conversation. It's not really needed in this moment, because being close is already good.

After their discussion earlier, they had gone for a quick dinner outside and then come back in again. They had been talking about random things after that, both feeling that there had already been enough heavy stuff for the day. They had watched a movie and cuddled a little, and it had been all so new to Kurt. New and wondrous. At some point Rachel had come back, but she had gone straight to her side of the curtain, telling them she would be wearing headphones and listening to music real loud, so they hadn't been afraid to talk while she was there. They had kissed, once or twice, just small little kisses, testing the waters in a way.

Kurt had felt so incredibly light that evening. After the fight and after all the hard topics had been covered, the mood had just been easy, and Kurt hadn't wanted - still doesn't want to - think about what is to come, any of the scary stuff, and just enjoy this moment when he gets to hold Blaine's hand and feel his presence and know he is allowed to touch him and think about him and enjoy him. And, the absolute best part, he knows now that Blaine likes him back, for whatever reason, but he does like Kurt anyway. Blaine wants to hold his hand just as much as he does, and it's wonderful, unreal, magical.

There is so much that Kurt still doesn't know or understand. He doesn't know why everything happened. Why did it all come up now? And how did it all change so radically that they ended up like this - whatever this is? There is also the question of when does this beautiful dream end? Because it doesn't feel real, it feels like just a fragile dream, and he's so afraid that it will disappear and be lost just as easily. He doesn't know how he has deserved this. Or how could this even happen to him, deserved or not. How can Blaine of all people really like him? He wouldn't believe it, but Blaine is lying there all the while he's thinking this, so there has to be some truth in it.

He doesn't trust it will last yet. He's sure it will all fall down at some point, sooner or later. There is so many aspects in this new strange situation that just can't hold together. Not like this, not forever. But Kurt doesn't want to imagine forever yet, not even next week or tomorrow. He feels Blaine's body radiating heat on his own skin and that is enough to make all the pain that could come worth it. No matter even if it will break him. Because what he has now, in this second, is more beautiful than he ever thought life has to offer. So he will fight for it, no more letting go. No more running away. No more hiding. Even if he will eventually fall, he will take this dream for everything it's worth.

"Blaine?" he says eventually, his voice almost rough by the momentary lack of use.

"Hmm?"

"I promise I won't run away again." he whispers, and hopes that Blaine will understand what he really means. That when he will eventually be scared again, because he _will_, he will try his best to face it, because Blaine is worth it all. Even if the promise sounds impossible to him right now, he wants to give it. Blaine is quiet for a second and Kurt can almost feel him thinking.

"That's good. Thank you. But you don't have to promise that. You can run away if you need to. I just really hope you would come back after." Blaine says, talking slowly, turning at one point to face Kurt even though they can only see shadows. Kurt feels a strange lump in his throat at the words, it's sweet in a way he couldn't even imagine before, it's the kind of thing that shows how Blaine really accepts him with all his imperfections and incompleteness.

"I will." he answers, and hopes it will be enough for Blaine, because he doesn't know if he would be able to say any more. It's all so new yet, so new that he can't trust it to hold, but he thinks he will always return, at the very least to say goodbye, or to explain. He can't promise a future together, but he can promise this.

Blaine raises up a little bit to lean on the headboard more. Kurt moves a little sideways, so carefully, still afraid that Blaine will push him away, not daring to believe he is allowed to do this, and places his head on Blaine stomach. He hears Blaine let out a tiny little gasp and he is already ready to move away, but before he can do it he feels Blaine's fingers touch his hair. He feels them tremble a bit as they stroke his hair, but when he doesn't move away, they become more sure. Kurt can't believe how comforted and safe that simple gesture makes him feel. Blaine's stokes feel almost absentminded, and so very gentle, just fleeting, light touches on his head. It tingles and it's perfect.

After a while his thoughts start to wander aimlessly, just noting things around him. He looks at the comforter underneath them, covering the bed, and thinks how the dark blue colour looks black now. How the solid blue of the window curtains is now stained with shadows, made by unnamed objects between the lights outside and his window. He hears Rachel rustle a little on her side of the curtains, and thinks he can hear the soft echo of music from her headphones. He feels Blaine's heartbeat underneath him, and realises that it was much faster when he first pressed his head on his stomach, but it's slower now, peaceful and steady. Blaine's fingers have slowed too, but still moving errantry. His own hands are lying idly and his legs are almost over the edge of the bed.

He closes his eyes, and the sounds from outside feel suddenly louder, the never sleeping city infiltrating his little bubble, without breaking it. He hears Blaine breathing, almost silently, and without really thinking he starts to breath in sync. The feel of Blaine's fingers moving is somehow more pronounced. He concentrates on it and after a while it's quite hard to really concentrate on anything any more. The last thought is more like a feeling, just a thought of how good the whole moment feels, and then there are no clear thoughts anymore.

/

When he wakes up again, a few hours later, he notices that Blaine has fallen asleep too, leaning against the headboard awkwardly, and his neck must really hurt. He feels groggy, not really fully awake, but his chest aches with the realisation that they had fallen asleep together, that he had fallen asleep on Blaine, that Blaine had fallen asleep with his fingers in Kurt's hair. It's almost too much. He doesn't even think of the possibility of sending Blaine home, he just tries to move Blaine to a better position so he can sleep more comfortably. Blaine wakes a bit too, enough to move them both side by side on the bed and wrap his arm around Kurt. It all just feels so very perfect that it can't be more than a dream, and in his half asleep state there's not much to make those two different, just the fact that he could never have imagined the weight of Blaine's arm around his chest, and how easy it is to fall back to sleep just like that.

Maybe they don't know what they are yet, and maybe what comes tomorrow won't be perfect and free of difficulties and pain, but at least at this moment there is not a single thing that feels wrong.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you all enjoyed! We are stepping into a new part of this story, in a way. I'm excited, I hope you are too!

**Wish you all a happy new year! :)**


	12. 034-036

**Author's note: **A few things. 1. A huge thank you to all of you who are reading and reviewing and stuff. You're awesome!

2. I seem to have lost a couple of followers and got a little less reviews, and it's not really such a big deal, but this is pretty much the first time I'm writing anything in this scale, so it just made me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. So please tell me how you think it's going, even (and especially) if you think something's not good, so that I can improve! (And not have a nervous breakdown. :D) I really hope you are all still enjoying the story though!

3. The chapters just keep getting longer. Sigh.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing at all. Please let me keep my sandbox!

* * *

**034 - The night sky**

The morning after his little sleep-in is a tiny bit awkward, but not horribly so. It's just that it's definitely a little too soon for them to be sleeping together yet, although they both know it wasn't exactly planned. At the same time, though, they don't really regret it, because in many ways it was very beautiful. The awkwardness is also partly because it seems neither of them really know what they are supposed to do next. Rachel is still sleeping, the sun is just coming up, and the two of them are standing in the living room, fidgeting, not able to keep eye contact for very long, but not able to look away long either. Blaine realises then that he's still wearing yesterday's clothes after sleeping in them, and that he really needs a change and a shower, plus it's Friday so they both still have classes later, so in conclusion he really needs to leave. It's probably good for them both to get a little time apart to think now, anyway. So he tells Kurt goodbye with a long hug and leaves, both of their smiles soft and shy and happy as Kurt closes the door after him.

Blaine doesn't meet Kurt on Saturday, but he talks on the phone with him in the evening. They don't say anything very meaningful, just silly things, everyday stuff and a little flirting. To Blaine it feels slow and careful, and in many ways very different from his previous relationships, but it's also so much like Kurt himself, and he doesn't mind waiting or going slow, he enjoys it. And he never imagined it going any other way with Kurt, this is exactly how it's supposed to go. Kurt is still careful, and Blaine can feel the hesitance in his words and between them, but it really would feel _wrong_ in a way, if Kurt wasn't. Kurt is special, in a very good way, but it also means that many rules Blaine is used to don't adapt. And it's more than fine, because Kurt is a strange, new and beautiful planet that he gets to discover and explore. Actually, that is a really good analogy. For so long Kurt was like the sky above that he could see and admire, but only from afar. And now that he gets to touch that previously unreachable sky, it's just fair that the exploration should be slow and careful.

Blaine knows nothing is sure yet, nothing is set in stone, and he feels his trip to the skies could end at any point, but he just has to take what he can get and enjoy it all when it's there. He feels cheesy and corny, thinking this, but he feels light and happy and so what if he's being stupid and sentimental? He's allowed to be. When they meet on Sunday, he touches Kurt's arm and calls him the Night Sky (because Kurt is wearing a black shirt), which of course earns him a confused and wary smile. Blaine can't help grinning as he hugs Kurt and then sits down to their usual table in the coffee shop.

"Oh, it's just a nickname I came up with… Don't you like it?" he grins.

"Is there a story behind it or did you just.. come up with it?" Kurt says, and he's still a bit confused, but also smiling in a way that makes Blaine know he is really fine with it, and possibly secretly happy to get a nickname.

"Oh there's definitely a story. I just don't know if I should tell it. You'll laugh." Blaine feels a bit silly about the whole analogy thing, but he also thinks Kurt might like it despite all the corniness.

"I promise I won't!" Kurt says, looking almost serious, even though it's really just such a silly thing. Blaine thinks it's maybe that Kurt has just grown very sensitive about people laughing at others, at him, through everything that has happened to him before. A fleeting sadness comes with the thought, but he pushes it away. He smiles at Kurt warmly, eyes both kind and a little mischievous, and he tells Kurt his little analogy about touching the untouchable skies. Kurt lets out a little laugh, but it's more just a happy, and possibly a little disbelieving, sound than any mirth at Blaine's cheesiness. Blaine is just glad he can make Kurt happy, no matter what way.

"That was kind of cheesy. But also really nice, I guess. Thank you." Kurt says with a quiet voice and just a bit too serious, betraying how much it all really meant to him. After a while Blaine cautiously takes Kurt's hand, that's been resting on the table, and brushes his own thumb on his.

"So can I call you that?"

"What?"

"Night Sky."

The smile Kurt gives at that is carefree and light, and almost unbearably glad, the kind of smile Blaine has probably never seen on him yet. It's captivating, and definitely contagious.

"Sure, if you want to," Kurt says, blushing a little, and they both laugh at their own silliness. They are college students acting like they're still in middle school, but it's fine, because they are just two people who have just now found each other, and who is to tell them how they should or should not act? Surely not Blaine. Reality and life can catch them later. Then Kurt seems to get an idea as something flashes in his eyes.

"When are we going to do the next photo shoot?" he asks, carefully, and Blaine can feel it's not the real question yet.

"Um, whenever. Next week, if you want?" Blaine says, trying to convince Kurt to say whatever he is thinking but not saying with his look.

"Yeah, okay…" Kurt takes his hand from Blaine and twists his own together, a little nervous gesture. Not panicked, more just insecurity, maybe afraid of Blaine's reaction. Blaine waits, but after Kurt struggles with what is going on in his head for a while, nothing coming out, he just can't wait.

"Please just tell me what you're thinking. I promise I won't laugh," he says, a sparkle in his eyes, using the earlier conversation hoping that it would make Kurt feel a little easier to speak out.

"Ok. Ok. Um, I just, your nickname..." that made Kurt flush for some reason, "well it just made me think about this one dream in my book and I got an idea?" The end rising, almost as if it's a question, though Blaine doesn't know what it's asking, exactly.

"Okay. Let's hear it," he smiles.

"Well, uh, I have this dream in my book about being an astronaut and being in space, and well, we could do some photo where I am in space, because you called me, well _you know_, and I think it would just be…" the last word is muttered so low Blaine couldn't possibly catch it.

"What would it be?" His voice is gentle.

"Sweet. It would be sweet." Kurt mutters to his hands, just a little louder, his cheeks pretty much red by now.

"Yeah, I think it would be," Blaine says and pries one of Kurt's hands back to his. Kurt looks up at him, a little surprised. "What? Did you think I wouldn't find it sweet?" he asks, honestly a bit confused.

Kurt makes a little, awkward sound, but smiles then, a little unsure and a little hopeful.

"Yeah.. No? I don't know." He lets out a little laugh at himself, "I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"I just told you that I thought you were the sky and I was the astronaut coming to explore you. If there was a competition, it would definitely be a tie." Kurt's laugh is sincere and free now, his eyes sparkling, and Blaine couldn't help compare them to the stars in the night sky of his analogy. He wants to laugh at himself for being so ridiculous.

"I already have an idea for the shoot. A perfect idea, Night Sky." Kurt let's out another short laugh.

"Oh my God, that nickname is so awkward," he laughs, and Blaine can read the 'but I like it' from his expression.

* * *

**035 - Butterflies**

Kurt is so high that he feels like he could easily grab a top hat and a cane and sing and dance in this downpour that the city of New York is currently experiencing. And by 'high' he doesn't mean high from drugs, but high like floating in the air simply because he feels so absolutely elated and like straight from his favourite musicals, as he walks side by side with Blaine in the pouring rain, trying unsuccessfully to avoid the puddles and stay under their one umbrella. He's still waiting for the moment when this all starts to feel real, but this dream-like state is not exactly unpleasant, so he'll take it, gladly. He lets out a small giggle, and thinks how uncharacteristic that sound is to him and how much things have changed, but then gives up because it's impossible to wrap his head around. He knows he was so scared in the beginning, so unsure, and frankly, he knows those feelings are all still there, but it's so easy not to dwell on them or what is to come, when he gets to be close to Blaine and hear his more than a little ridiculous flirts and feel cared for and _wanted_.

They are on their way to the same campus studio where they took the first photo for their project. They are going to make their silly Night sky photos, which turned out not to be that silly at all in the end, because even when Blaine is being overly corny, his photo ideas are still always striking. They are going to use the black background fabric and stick huge amounts of glow-in-the-dark stars in it, then Kurt will wear all black clothes, including a black mask, and his clothes will be full of the stars too. And they think that when they turn the lights out they will hopefully get a grainy dark photograph with lots of shiny stars and just the faint outlines of Kurt among them, him being literally _in_ the night sky. Even though Kurt's dream was really more about becoming an astronaut, the exact wording was "13. One day I want to be in the space like Neil Armstrong", which means technically this interpretation works as well. If you forget the Neil Armstrong part. But it's their project so they decide what goes and what doesn't, and Kurt is more than fine with this plan, because it sounds really beautiful and also it's really romantic in a really silly way.

Aino is coming to help them set up the place, mostly because Kurt feels like he should meet up with her again, as she's a really good friend and the last time he saw her he was practically blind and mute, and besides another pair of hands putting up the stars won't hurt anyway. They are going to meet her at the studio so they are in a little bit of hurry so she doesn't have to wait. Then Blaine points at something in front of them and tells him to look. First Kurt doesn't see what he means but then he gets it.

It's a couple, a girl and a boy, standing under their umbrella, holding each other close and looking deep into each other's eyes like the whole world, the rain and the people, have simple ceased to exist. They lean in for a kiss and they look so perfectly content and in love that it hurts him a little to watch. It also feels so intimate and private that he feels like he should look away, but he can't, because they are mesmerizing. There is nothing really special in the two of them or the scene, but maybe that really is the most striking feature. They are in love, and that is all.

"Aren't they so sweet?" Blaine asks him quietly, with a small smile on his lips. Kurt nods, and glances at Blaine quickly. He freezes a little, when he sees the wistful and hopeful look on Blaine's face. Suddenly it feels hard for him to talk. He sees Blaine's expression and he can almost hear Blaine's thoughts, it's so clear to Kurt. That Blaine wants that. Blaine wants love, and tenderness and easy stability. Blaine wants to be that couple kissing in the rain, and Kurt somehow feels so small, so unready, and so afraid. Small, because he doesn't know if he could ever be that brave and confident that he could be like that with Blaine, with anyone. He feels unready, because this is such a strange new world for him and he has barely managed to get a little peek at it, and what Blaine seems to want is so huge, so much more than Kurt has gotten a chance to be prepared for. And he feels afraid, because what if he is not ready fast enough and Blaine gets bored waiting for him?

He knows Blaine told him that he is willing to wait, that there is no hurry. But that wistful look in Blaine's eyes tell him all he needs to know about Blaine's wants and needs. He knows Blaine would never push him for anything, but how much does he have time, before Blaine finds someone else, who doesn't need weeks or months to kiss with him in the rain under an umbrella? Because no matter how unready he might be, he likes Blaine more than he dares to think, and he does not want to lose him. He cannot lose him. He promised himself that he would hold on to this for as long as he can, and he will. What does it matter if he has to jump over a few of his own fences, as long as he gets to keep Blaine a little longer, gets to hold his hand and kiss him and see that lovely, tender glint in his eyes directed to him?

He feels scared, and a little bit desperate, but he also knows what he has to do, what he really _wants_ to do, and he is determined. He will not run away this time, this time he will win himself, he will have to, because the prize is Blaine and all the wonderful things that having him means. And he will not let that go if he has any means to keep it. And why wouldn't he be ready for Blaine, Blaine who has been nothing but nice to him and who wants Kurt just as much as Kurt wants him? There is no reason to be a coward and wait. No reason at all.

He takes Blaine's hand in his own when they continue walking, and Blaine smiles at him, a little bit surprised (because this is the first time they've held hands in a really public place, where people can and probably will recognise them), but glad and squeezes Kurt's gently to tell him it's more than fine. And it is more than fine, it feels wonderful, like a drug in a way, because _Kurt Hummel is walking hand in hand with a gorgeous boy on the campus and let everyone see! _He has been and still is scared of PDA and what people would think or do, but doing this, even this little thing, while scary also ultimately feels like winning himself and like winning the world around him. It's showing them that even if a part of him is scared of them, he still won't back down - and yes, venturing on is definitely the right thing to do.

Then, out of the blue, Zach of all people is there in front of them, grinning like a mental case. First Kurt doesn't understand why he is that excited to see them, but then he sees Zach's eyes flickering continuously to their still joined hands and how his grin widens every time.

".. Hi Zach." Kurt says, smiling but quiet.

"You're holding hands!" Zach exclaims, in lieu of a greeting. Blaine laughs at that.

"Yeah, I noticed," Blaine chuckles good-humouredly, flashing Kurt a smile. He seems so happy.

"I thought you already told him about.. well, about this?" Kurt asks Blaine, a little confused.

"Yeah, he told me all about it, hasn't really shut up about it really, but it's different to hear and actually _see_, you know," Zach gives him an honest-to-God wink, but his smile is nothing but friendly. It makes Kurt feel accepted. "Oh God, I've waited for this for so long!" Zach continues. "Now I can make all the bad couple jokes about you two!" That makes Kurt blush and look down a little awkwardly. Blaine sounds a bit uncomfortable too.

"Uh, Zach, I told you we are not exactly a couple yet… We're still figuring things out." Blaine says, glancing at Kurt with a careful look, sounding serious and like he's trying to tell Zach to back off, and Zach seems to get the point. Kurt thinks that is really what makes Zach such a good friend - he is goofy and enthusiastic, but he always knows when it's time to stop.

"Ok, I get it, no need to sweat. Though I'm pretty sure that's rain, not sweat," he says with a friendly smile, pointing at their dripping wet shoulders. And just like that, it's easy again. Zach seems to already know they are doing the photo shoot and he decides that as he has nothing better to do at the moment, he wants to come with them and join the fun. Kurt and Blaine have nothing against that, the more the merrier, so they continue together, chatting about unimportant things and laughing at bad jokes.

Kurt has decided that he will tell Blaine today that he is ready to call them a couple, call them boyfriends and commit to that, if Blaine wants it. It's so easy to forget the fears he has, forget the uncertainty or the uncomfortable feeling of _too early_ and _too much_ in his gut, push it all somewhere in the back storages of his mind, when it's all so happy and easy in moments like this. Because he truly does want this, Blaine is all his dreams personified and he truly can't imagine someone or something he could want more. And if the butterflies in his stomach are not all happy ones, then who's counting? Most of them are, and that just has to be enough.

* * *

**036 - Boyfriends**

They are walking towards the studio, and Blaine's shoes are completely soaked through. Strangely, though, he doesn't mind at all. He feels excited and a trivial thing like wet shoes can't diminish it. He's excited, because he can't wait to get on with this next photo shoot, as he is still a photographer and this project is very important to him. He feels confident that his idea will come out great, and it will be so much fun to do it. He is also excited, because Kurt is still holding his hand in front of Zach and whoever else might have seen it on the way. It's not so much the holding hands in itself, because while it's definitely nice and he would never object to hand-holding, he is not, in fact, in middle school anymore and it's not such a magical thing any longer. It's more about the fact that his shy, scared-of-most-people Kurt took his hand in the middle of the campus and held on tight, and _that_ is magical.

He has sensed both Kurt's happiness and his hesitation, and he has tried his best to let Kurt call the shots about how fast they move. Of course he wants more, he wants a lot with Kurt, but he has no particular hurry, because the most important thing is that Kurt is comfortable. But he also won't decide what Kurt is or isn't ready for, anymore. He's learned his lesson about that. So the simple guideline he's following is to let Kurt lead, and not assume things or decide things for him. Of course that doesn't mean that he would do anything he himself doesn't feel is right, but he won't try to decide what's right for Kurt, either, if he can help it. God knows, that hasn't helped his case before. And, in this case, Kurt had told him he was scared and did not know what he was ready for yet, so obviously he needs to give Kurt time to figure that out.

And really, he doesn't have problem with going slow. This silly middle school romance thing they have had going the last few days is pretty nice in all it's ridiculousness, anyway. Especially because they both know it's ridiculous. Holding hands, innocent little kisses, really corny flirting - it's silly and endearing and fun and, most importantly, simple enough for now. They have a lot of ground to cover, and he knows Kurt and he both have serious things they need to talk through and test the waters with, and it's not going to be this simple all the time, so it's nice to enjoy this easy silliness for a little while, and just cherish the idea that the other one wants you. He thinks it's good for the both of them after all their misunderstandings and drama. Besides, Blaine never had the chance to have a middle school romance in actual middle school, so he'll take what he gets.

They meet Aino in front of the studio and she looks absolutely miserable. She's soaked through, not a piece of clothing on her that isn't dripping water. She's doesn't have an umbrella with her, which explains a lot. She looks tiny; Blaine guesses she isn't that tall to begin with and with her hair only thin wet stripes around her face and her arms wrapped tightly around her body makes her look just that much smaller. She's also shivering with cold. Her expression is pretty glum too, although it brightens marginally when she notices them. She greets them with a sort of pathetic smile, and something protective rises it's head inside him, telling him to take care of this sad looking girl.

Apparently he's got nothing against Zach's protective instinct though. That becomes clear, when Zach notices who they are greeting and probably figures out this is the famous Aino, though he has never met him before, and goes to her in a second, already taking his jacket off and wrapping it around her and moving his hands up and down her arms to try to make her warmer. Blaine can't help but laugh a little as he sees the absolute horror on Aino's face, when this stranger just comes onto her, and how she tries her best to struggle away from Zach's invading touches. Kurt looks pretty horrified by Zach's actions too.

"Zach, uh, could you please just step away from her, ok?" Kurt says, sounding awkward but also really concerned. Zach takes a step back but doesn't get far.

"But can't you see she's freezing!" he whines a bit desperately, apparently really concerned about the girl.

"She also looks like you're molesting her," Blaine points out helpfully. He would laugh, but the situation is really not that nice for her, so he tries to concentrate on that. Zach seems to realise the truth in Blaine's words, as his eyes widen in his own kind of horror.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry! I didn't think! I'm Blaine and Kurt's friend, Zach, and you just stood there looking like you will drop dead the next minute, so I had to do something," Zach offers, a little helplessly. Aino's eyes flash in understanding when she hears Zach's name and explanation, though, and Blaine thinks Kurt must have told her at least something about him. She gives Zach a hesitant smile.

"It's okay, I think. I _am _freezing… Thanks for the coat," she tells Zach, wrapping the jacket around her a little tighter. Then she greets Kurt and Blaine too, and they all go back to the luckily toasty warm photography studio. Zach excuses himself to go find some vending machine with warm drinks, but not before he digs through his training bag and pulls out a small towel.

"Don't worry, it's clean," he says, winking as he hands it to Aino, who looks like she really doesn't know what's going on but also doesn't really mind. When Zach disappears out of the door, she turns to the other two. "He's.. really something, isn't he?" she says, smiling her little smile, and starts to towel her hair. Blaine and Kurt both agree with her. Then, while Aino is trying to get herself a little warmer and dryer, they start putting up the scene, finding the black background and starting to stick the glow-in-the-dark stars they have brought with them to it. The stars are easier to stick than they thought, with stickers behind them, and they realise pretty quickly that they wouldn't actually have needed any help for this. Aino joins them after a while, and in fifteen minutes they've got the whole fabric pretty much covered, from floor to somewhere over Kurt's head. Kurt dresses up in the black outfit he's brought with him, and offers the dry cardigan he had been wearing to Aino, a little shyly and probably not sure whether it's ok, but Aino seems grateful. Then they cover all of Kurt's front with the stars too, which makes Kurt look both really uncomfortable and a little giggly.

When they're ready, they turn out the lights and quickly realise they have a problem. The stars are barely glowing at all, and certainly not enough for them to show in any photos. For a while they just stare confusedly at the darkness in front of them. Then Aino, who is standing closest to the light switch, turns them on again, and all of their faces have fallen.

"What happened to them?" Kurt asks helplessly. Before they can discuss it more, Zach comes back in with three steaming cups of coffee. He grins at the scene they've put up before noticing the sad looks on their faces.

"What's wrong?" he frowns.

"The stars are not working," Aino says, and turns the lights off again to show, what she means. Zach lets out a laugh and Aino turns the lights on again.

"Of course they don't glow yet. Did you even read the instructions?" Zach smiles at them knowingly. "I know these things. They need to charge before they glow. Which means, we'll be stuck here for a while." Zach seems to have no problem with waiting. Blaine feels like he wants to hit his face in the wall. Of course he read that, he just forgot in his excitement. So, they proceed to wait for the half an hour that the stars need to be glowing properly. And somehow, without any of them realising, they have separated in two pairs, Kurt and Blaine talking about the shoot and night skies and other random things while not-so-absentmindedly caressing each other's hands, and Zach and Aino have fallen in a deep and clearly interesting conversation on the other side of the room. After a while Blaine quiets down and they both start looking at the other couple interacting. What had captured his attention was Aino's laugh, that came out strong and free and bubbly. It was so uncharacteristic to the normally held-back girl, and it sounded so full of easy joy. It's like Zach has gotten her out of her shell without her even realising. And then he feels Kurt wrap his arm so carefully around Blaine and leaning against him, in a way he hasn't really done before. It's not middle school any more, but something more. Blaine turns to look at him.

"What is it, Night sky?" he asks gently. Kurt searches for his words for a while, looking strangely scared but also very determined.

"Would you be my boyfriend? For real?" he asks, and his face and whole body give all the signs of being dead nervous, but his eyes don't leave Blaine's. A strong surge of affection constricts Blaine's chest. He didn't expect this to come so fast, he definitely didn't expect this now, but it feels _good_. He'd ask if Kurt was really sure, but he has to remind himself again that he won't question Kurt. Kurt seems to see the question in his eyes anyway and answers him.

"Yeah, I'm sure." he smiles a little. "What… what do you think?" he asks then, and now his eyes finally escape Blaine's, the suspense becoming too much, and Blaine realises he didn't answer Kurt yet.

"Of course I will, if that's what you want." he says firmly, but with a small smile. He'd grin like mad in a second, but this moment was serious. This moment was important in so many ways, so he'll wait.

Kurt gulps, but then nods decidedly. "I want it. I want _you_." he says, and Blaine is reminded of how Kurt said he wasn't sure what he wanted just a few days ago. Apparently he knew now, at least a little better than then. Blaine's smile widens into an unstoppable grin. He kissed Kurt firmly, just a tad bit stronger and deeper than their middle school kisses have been.

"Hello, boyfriend," he pulls back and grins, eyes twinkling. Kurt's nose crinkles with shy happiness, and it's a beautiful thing to see.

"Hello, boyfriend," he answers back. Neither of them have noticed that Zach is currently standing next to them, smiling his mad man smile again.

"So can I tell all the tasteless couple jokes now?" Zach's smug voice is way too loud for the distance between them and they both jump out of each others arms. They see Aino standing a few steps back, smiling and looking like she's so proud of the two of them. Blaine isn't sure if life can get better than it is, in moments like this.

The photos from the shoot turn out to be even better than Blaine dared to imagine. He decides to name it "Night sky". It seems like a good name.

* * *

**A/N:** It's been more than a bit fluffy the last two chapters, but do not worry, readers! The drama is not far off! And there's a lot more of it to come yet!


	13. 037-039

**Author's note: **Thank you for the wonderful reviews and helping me with my momentary lack of confidence. :) I think I'm back on the track with this again, although I still hope I keep getting your support, because it means a lot. More than you can imagine.

In the first chapter I said these are going to be three drabbles a week. I lied. These have stopped being drabbles a long time ago. They just keep getting longer and I have no way to stop it. I'm sure you are all as sad as I am. :I

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing at all. I'm just playing on the Glee playground, and I'm not getting money from it.

* * *

**037 - If only**

They are standing in front of Blaine's dorm room - which Zach has promised to avoid for the next few hours - when Kurt remembers the incident with Karofsky's smell on Blaine's hands and the fact that the smell came from Zach's body wash. Suddenly he's not so sure he wants to go in after all. He's not sure he can trust himself not to react to the smell even if he knows it comes from a bottle. He stops quite abruptly and takes a hold of Blaine's arm before he can open the door.

"Wait!"

"What's wrong?", Blaine asks, concerned. Kurt feels stupid because of the thing he has to admit next. It makes him feel even more vulnerable and weak.

"Um… Zach... Does Zach still use the same body wash..?" he asks, looking at his shuffling feet, grimacing a little, hoping that he doesn't need to elaborate further. It seems Blaine gets the idea.

"Oh, yeah, about that. I told Zach about your panic and how it was because of the smell. And, well, Zach said that he doesn't want to smell the same as some imbecile high school bully anyway, so he changed the brand. So, no Axe anymore in our room." Blaine offers Kurt a smile.

"Oh." Kurt feels just a little bit amazed by how great a person Zach really is, that he would do something like that just for some guy he doesn't even really know. Just for Kurt. "Well, that's.. that's really nice of him."

"Yeah, Zach's pretty ok sometimes," Blaine says smiling brightly, and opens the door. This is the first time Kurt has been in there, and he instantly sees which side of the room belongs to Blaine, because it's filled with silly posters of 70's disco bands and photos of guys in preppy school uniforms, and it's also clean and tidy, as opposed to the mess on Zach side of the room. Zach's wall, for some reason, has a really huge poster of Kung fu Panda taped on it. Kurt hesitates a bit, before he goes and sits down on Blaine's bed carefully. He feels a bit overwhelmed again, because so much stuff has happened that day and he suddenly has a _boyfriend_, and so much stuff is still very new and confusing. And scary, too. And he hasn't had time to think.

"Ok, boyfriend" Blaine starts and grins as if that's just his automatic reaction to the word, "what do you want to do?" He asks the question with a glimmer in his eye that makes Kurt's blood run a bit faster but also causes him feel a bit uneasy, because it's just so new, and nobody has ever looked at him like that before. It makes him think Blaine wants something from him that he's not ready for. Something that he's supposed to be ready for.

"Maybe… maybe we could just watch a movie?" he asks, unsure whether this is something boyfriends do or if he's just embarrassing himself. He just wishes he would _know_ what is expected of him now. How he's supposed to act. He tries to look confident, but Blaine sees right through it. His eyes narrow in worry and he sits next to Kurt, pulling him into a sideways hug.

"Night sky. What's in your mind?" Blaine's voice is gentle, but Kurt just shakes his head.

"Nothing. Everything's fine," he smiles up at Blaine.

"Ok, if you're sure. How about that movie then?" Blaine asks, and Kurt can't believe he's there, that this wonderful, caring, handsome boy is his _boyfriend_. Words can make such a big difference. Words like 'boyfriend' can make a huge difference.

They pick a random comedy from Netflix to watch and after a while of awkward shifting around they end up with Blaine sitting up against the wall and Kurt laying half against his chest, with Blaine's arms looped loosely around Kurt's waist. Luckily the movie is not any important piece Kurt has always wanted to see, because he has serious troubles concentrating on anything that happens on the screen of Blaine's laptop. He can feel so many things. He feels Blaine's breath rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm, and how his body subtly moves with Blaine's. He feels Blaine heartbeat faintly from where the back of his head lies on it. He feels Blaine's body radiating warmth all around his body, and also the heat that has nothing to do with the rest of the room and all to do with how Kurt feels inside.

He is thinking about how absolutely wonderful this feels, to be safe in Blaine's arms, warmed by his body and his touch. But he also can't help thinking how he doesn't have any idea what is going to happen. What is supposed to happen. What is expected of him now? If he was alone, that thought might have made him panic a little, and it's so stuck in his head, that only Blaine's constant, distracting presence keeps the panic away. Like a forced calm. _What is expected of him?_

He doesn't dare to ask, but eventually he can't not anymore. "Blaine?" he asks, trying to make it casual, but his voice comes out small and nervous. Blaine pushes up to press pause on the movie and turns Kurt and himself both so that they are facing each other. He looks into Kurt's eyes as if trying to read everything that is in them and Kurt has never wanted more to turn away. He forces himself not to.

"Ok, please, Night sky. Tell me what's going on?" His voice is so worried, and that's the thing that Kurt focuses on. It gives him just enough courage to voice the question.

"What is going to happen now?" Kurt breathes, and Blaine looks confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Now that we are boyfriends. What is going to happen?" Kurt asks, frustrated that he doesn't have any clue how to put in words what he's really asking without actually saying 'What am I expected to do'. Blaine seems to get the gist of it, even if he still looks a bit confused.

"Kurt. Nothing has to change, not really. 'Boyfriend' is just a title. It's just a word. We can be whatever we want, whatever we are comfortable with. We are still Kurt and Blaine and we have absolutely no hurry to do anything. We'll just do what feels good." Blaine smiles a little gentle smile at him and raises his hand to brush an imaginary lock of hair behind his ear. Kurt feels it like a hot little flash in his stomach, the way Blaine's every touch is so full of tenderness and caring and adoration that Kurt can't help but see and feel and believe it really is what Blaine feels towards him, even if he has no idea how he has managed to earn any of that. How he is worth any of that. Blaine's words calm him a little, but the worry doesn't totally disappear. Because something has definitely changed between them, even if Blaine doesn't admit it. He tries to let Blaine's touch drive the worries away for now, though, and just to trust Blaine. His tender touches feel too good for him to not concentrate on them.

"Ok," he whispers, but the worry is still not all gone yet, a shadow of it still in his eyes and in the slight tension in his body, even as he closes his eyes and leans on Blaine's hand resting on his cheek.

"Open your eyes just for one more second, Night sky," Blaine tells him softly. He does. Blaine's eyes are so warm, staring at his, that he feels they are burning him a little. "I see you are worried, but really, we have all the time in the world and no need to do anything we don't both agree with. Trust me. We can try things, but you can always, always tell me if you don't feel comfortable with anything, or you think something is too much or you don't want it. I promise you I won't be disappointed or angry. And I'll do the same. I promise I'll do the same." For a short second Kurt wants to cry. Blaine's words are so beautiful and so perfect, and so, so tempting for Kurt to just trust them. He almost does. He wants to.

"Ok," he whispers with a rough voice. Blaine gives him a blinding, happy smile, and then kisses him deep without any kind of warning. Kurt doesn't know how he could or would ever resist. The kiss is strong, and intense, so different from the once they've shared before, and after a while Kurt feels Blaine's tongue running over his lower lip. It makes him gasp and Blaine deepens the kiss, now gently brushing into Kurt's mouth with his tongue, and suddenly Kurt realises it's not simple kissing anymore but making out, and _oh God he is making out with Blaine. _The intoxicating feeling of being wanted and the overwhelming and slightly scary but also so, so mesmerizing feeling of wanting someone like this, and the pure heaven of the idea that they actually both want each other equally much, it all fills his mind. How they can kiss and make out, and do whatever they want, and nothing more than they want. Nothing more than Kurt wants.

It sounds so beautiful. So tempting. If only he could trust that Blaine's words are the truth. If only he could believe that nothing's changed and they can still be whatever Kurt is ready for. If only it could be that simple. But words like 'boyfriend' can and do change everything.

* * *

**038 - Sebastian**

The coffee shop is unusually full for a Sunday afternoon, when they get there to drink coffee, plan further their next photo shoot and to just spend some time together. They've both had some school work to catch up with, and Blaine's been busy arranging their next photo shoot, so they haven't spent a lot of time together the last few days after they agreed to be boyfriends, but they've managed to meet each other one way or another every day. They have been going through ideas for the next photo shoot, because the semester is nearing it's end and Blaine's project is still lacking a lot of photos. He's got six so far, and the minimum is 10, so they need to speed the process up a bit. They've only got a few weeks left after all.

When they had gone through some of the oldest dreams in Kurt's book two days back, one had captured Blaine's attention and imagination. _'12. I want to be a mermaid like Ariel.'_ It was so cute and so much like Kurt, and Blaine could see it so vividly in his mind. Because Kurt would make a wonderful mermaid - or a merman, to be more appropriate. The role couldn't be more perfect for Kurt, when he really thinks about it, because Kurt has that otherworldly quality in him, that makes him look like and elf or some other mysterious, lithe creature of superior powers.

Kurt hadn't been so sure about the idea at first, but Blaine had convinced him in the end. It will be fabulous and Blaine can't wait. He won't have to wait that long, though. Normally he'd spend more time planning a more difficult shoot like this, but they haven't got too much time left. He knows they could do something more simple that doesn't require so much planning, but he really doesn't want to do a half-assed job with these shoots, because they are at least as much for Kurt as they are for his grades. And Kurt definitely deserves the best he can do. Besides, he has always wanted to try underwater photography and he has a _wonderful_ idea. Luckily Kurt had told him he is a fairly good swimmer and diver.

He feels like the initial nervousness Kurt had the day they agreed to become boyfriends has diminished, almost gone, and right now, as he looks into Kurt's eyes across the table, he can feel how much closer he is to the deepest, most real Kurt. So many of those protective walls have fallen down and Kurt is almost completely there, real and in his reach. Even if he is still just an explorer in a new world called Kurt, and has to tread carefully, it's like every day he can see and understand a little more of this strangle planet he's found.

They're talking about the practical things that need to be organised for the photo shoot. They have planned to do it next Wednesday, early morning in the university swimming pool. Really early morning, because that is the only time Blaine had been able to get the pool reserved for them, and the shoot wouldn't be exactly easy to do with other people in there.

"I called the dramatic arts department, and they actually have a mermaid's tail that can be used in the water. I don't know why, and I'm not sure they know either, but we can borrow it anyway." he tells Kurt, excited. They could have done it without the tail, but it certainly will make the photos much better. Kurt smiles his unreserved, happy smile back, the smile that Blaine hasn't seen so much at all until lately, and the idea that he can get that smile out of Kurt is really nice.

"Oh, that's great. Are you sure it will fit me though?" Kurt asks, a bit concerned.

"Yeah, I'm sure. They told me the tail is pretty much a one-size-fits-all, as long as the person isn't too fat. And you are certainly not too fat." Blaine eyes what he can see of Kurt's body approvingly, with a mischievous sparkle in his eye. It makes Kurt blush a bit, but he doesn't comment.

"Our own department has some props we can borrow, I think we can find the rest we need there. We'll just go and pick the things we want to use tomorrow, if you're free?"

Kurt is about to answer him, when someone else's voice pulls their attention. Someone ominously familiar. A someone he really doesn't want to see now, or ever. _Oh God, here we go._

"Blaine! Fancy seeing you here!" the voice brawls in a flirty voice and he can hear the smug smirk before he even turns and sees it. He looks at the guy currently standing next to their table, feeling angry already and trying to hold somewhat polite expression but not quite managing.

"Sebastian." he acknowledges. "Such a surprise. Why are you even here?" he's pretty sure his voice tells it's not a pleasant surprise.

"Oh, just visiting a friend." he says dismissively and then gives the flirtiest smile he can manage, which is a lot coming from Sebastian Smythe. "How're your studies? Playing with the fancy cameras and pretty models?" Sebastian winks, pretty annoyingly exaggerated if you ask Blaine. But then again, he's not sure if there's anything Sebastian could do that wouldn't be annoying if you ask Blaine. He'd definitely gotten more than enough of him in high school, and he _really_ does not understand what he could have ever seen in this guy. _One of the worse mistakes in my life, _he concludes in his head.

"It's going fine, thanks." he says, trying to keep the polite but detached façade and just hoping it would be enough to get Sebastian leave.

"Great." Sebastian said, clearly not interested in the subject. "So have you found a new pretty boy to play with, or are you still pining after me? If you are, we could take a night to… refresh memories," Sebastian smirks and Blaine wants to hit him in the face. Hard. Maybe a little harder. A tiny, almost inaudible, gasp makes him notice Kurt again. He'd forgotten Kurt was even there for a minute, his annoyance at seeing Sebastian momentarily taking all of his attention. Kurt looks uncomfortable and like he's gone a bit pale. And suddenly he can see just how bad this might seem to Kurt. It would be bad to any new boyfriend, but Kurt is much more vulnerable than most guys he could be dating, and it might hit him harder to see Blaine's ex hitting on him and insinuating stuff from their past. Stuff that is unfortunately very true, even if Sebastian's way of telling it is pretty crude.

"Certainly not pining after you," he mutters under his breath, half hoping Sebastian would hear anyway. He smiles at Sebastian, in a way he hopes makes the message very clear even if he didn't hear the words. "Yes, actually, meet my new boyfriend, Kurt," Blaine says to Sebastian, but his whole attention is on Kurt face, doing his best to tell Kurt with his eyes and words that _yes, you are my boyfriend and I'm proud of it._ Exactly the message that he's trying to send Sebastian as well, actually. _Kurt's my boyfriend and he's so much better a choice than you were. _Sebastian's eyes narrow a bit, but then he greets Kurt, making a show of how little he thinks of him. Kurt is looking like he wants to run.

"That's nice. I see you are _special_," very much indicating that special in this case is not a good thing. Blaine thinks that if there was one person on this planet that he hates with all his heart, it would probably be Sebastian. He's prepared to see Kurt shrink or actually bolt, but instead Kurt's eyes flash with something Blaine hasn't seen before.

"Nice to meet you, too, whoever you are," he says quietly, but he's looking Sebastian in the eye, holding his head up high, and there is a subtle sense of some new kind of anger, and possessiveness in his look. It makes Blaine's own face glow with absolute joy, because Kurt is staking his claim, no matter how shy it might be, and it's utterly fascinating. Sebastian smirks again, but tells them he needs to get going then, and waves them goodbye. Blaine watches him go, and then turns his head to Kurt, who is now looking down at the table, all fight gone and left with something Blaine can't quite read. Something that doesn't look all that good.

"Kurt…" he waits until Kurt looks up. It takes a while.

"Who was that?"

"That was Sebastian," Blaine sighs.

"Is he your ex…?" Kurt asks with a small, uncertain voice, and the want to hit Sebastian hard returns.

"Yeah, from high school. Not the best decision I've ever made. More like the worst," Blaine laughs dryly, hoping that Kurt gets the point. That he doesn't want Sebastian. That he wants Kurt. Kurt seems to relax a bit, even if there is still something Blaine can't read in his expression. Something that Kurt has closed off from him.

"I can see that. He wasn't the nicest guy," Kurt says, smiling a little like he's trying to make a joke and lighten the air, but some uncertainly lingers.

"He's an ass," Blaine points out, dead serious. Kurt lets out an honest laugh at that, and it seems he is mostly ok with the situation. Blaine just needs to make sure.

"Kurt? I hope you understand there is nothing that I would want with _him_ again." Kurt's eyes soften at that.

"Yeah, I know. Even I could see that." Kurt says in a way that makes Blaine believe he is telling the truth, even if that unknown little wall that Kurt put up after seeing Sebastian still remains in his eyes, protecting whatever feeling Kurt feels the need to keep from him. But Blaine can see it's not that kind of misunderstanding, just something else that came from their little encounter.

Still, Blaine feels relieved, and simply happy that Kurt is still there and seems to have no misunderstandings about Blaine's feelings for him or other guys. Sebastian is soon forgotten, even though he has a feeling they will need to speak about this more later, because Kurt should know about his past, and preferably get the stories from him instead of some people they meet accidentally. But there's no need to ruin a perfectly good coffee date any more with talk about past mistakes. They'll have time later. And he's sure Kurt will eventually address the subject that's bothering him, when he's ready to talk. As long as Kurt is not completely pushing him away, he doesn't want to push Kurt to come forward too fast either. They have time.

* * *

**039 - So easy to forget**

_Blaine! Fancy seeing you here!" Who is this person? How does he know Blaine? He sounds like bad news._

_"Sebastian. Such a surprise. Why are you even here?" What is going on? Blaine's voice is weird. I don't like this._

_"Oh, just visiting a friend. How're your studies? Playing with the fancy cameras and pretty models?" Oh God. This can't be what I think it is. Just can't. _

_"It's going fine, thanks." Please leave. Can't you see Blaine doesn't want you here? I really hope Blaine doesn't want you here._

_"Great. So have you found a new pretty boy to play with, or are you still pining after me? If you are, we could take a night to… refresh memories." Oh no. No. No no no. I don't want to hear this. Please go. Please don't make Blaine remember something good that he wants. And God, that's what Blaine want's isn't it? How can I ever measure?_

_"Certainly not pining after you." Thank heavens for that. Maybe Blaine really doesn't want him here. Relief._

_"Yes, actually, meet my new boyfriend, Kurt." Blaine's eyes are sincere. He wants me. I have nothing to fear. Nothing. It's all ok. This guy needs to understand it too though. And he needs to leave. Now._

_"That's nice. I see you are special." More special than you are at least. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could tell him Blaine's mine. My boyfriend, not his, not any more. I can see Blaine doesn't want him here. So he needs to leave. I need to do something, fight, whatever, just something. He's like the bullies in high school, but I'm not that boy anymore, and I have something to fight for now._

_"Nice to meet you, too, whoever you are." Not quite the cutting remark I wanted to make. But it's something. It just has to do. I hope Blaine's not upset with me, and… oh, Blaine's face, he looks happy. Maybe I did something right. Blaine's smile is so pretty. We're fine._

/

After that Sebastian had left and Kurt was left with the realisation that he had just met Blaine's ex, face to face. An ex he didn't even know about. Oh, he did know Blaine had been with other guys before, it wasn't like it was complete news to him, but this, seeing an actual person and hearing the words, was something he had not been prepared for. It had made it all so much more real. So painfully real.

He knew, already during that encounter and for sure after their conversation afterward, that Blaine really wants him, and the only thing he regrets about this Sebastian guy is that he had ever had anything with him. He's not that blind and he could see the affection and care in Blaine's eyes when he had tried to make sure Kurt was ok with everything. And he is, truly, as long as Sebastian is considered. But another kind of realisation, a painful one, had come with the boy and his words. Sebastian is not his problem, he knows that. He himself is. His weak and scared and pathetic self. The fact of just how much he is in a completely different level than Blaine. And in a way Blaine's cute little space analogy was perfect, because they were worlds apart like that. It's just a matter of time until Blaine realises this planet really is inhabitable for humans.

Sebastian had only confirmed what he had already known deep inside, that Blaine had already had sex, had been in a mature relationships with real men instead of scared little boys like him. He feels so utterly unready to face that truth, and Sebastian had punched it in his face. But he doesn't want to give up on Blaine, not if it's something that he can change. He can't give up, as long as there is something to do about it. He can't lose Blaine just because he was too much a socially awkward penguin to be what Blaine want's and needs and is used to having. If he really is a good boyfriend he'll suck it up and do things, even if they might make him a little uncomfortable, because that's what a real boyfriend is, what a real relationship is. Besides, he has no good reason for being this scared of sexual things, he's an adult for goodness' sake, he should be able to do this by now. There must be something wrong with him if he's not. Not broken but more like fundamentally wrong. He doesn't want to be like that, and he really wants to be a real boyfriend to Blaine, no matter what it might cost him. He's sure it will be worth it in the end.

/

Early Tuesday morning finds them sitting on the edge of the swimming pool, throwing forks and spoons, combs and hair clips, goblets and photo frames in the water. Blaine's glasses too, just to add to the effect. They even found a fake sword. They're still feeling fuzzy from waking up so early, and throwing random props in the water just seems funny, so they giggle like little kids all the while.

Next they need to dive down there to arrange the stuff they've just thrown there to a more esthetically pleasing order, leaving an area free of props in the middle for Kurt's torso to fit there. The idea is for Kurt to wear the deep green mermaid's tail (which they found out fit almost perfectly to Kurt when they tried it the day before), and lie on the bottom of the pool surrounded by all the junk, hands extended a little and holding some stuff they have down there, with his eyes closed and a dreamy smile on his lips. He's supposed to have his legs crooked back, so that the tail fits the frame too. They can't make it in a very deep spot, because it would be super hard to get to the bottom, and the lens of Blaine's camera still needs to be underwater in order to get the shot right, so they can't get Kurt's legs in the photo if he's lying straight. He's going to shoot the scene from almost straight above, and if they both are able to do it right, they should get some cool photos with Ariel-esque vibes.

Kurt can see Blaine is so excited about this, and he knows it's because it's his first time doing underwater shots. He can also sense that Blaine is a bit nervous as well, maybe because he is afraid that he will fail because of his lack of experience, or possibly because he's afraid he will use the underwater bag wrong and ruin his camera. Kurt is nervous, because he has to be underwater and shirtless and have photos taken of him. Have Blaine to see. He feels horribly awkward, quite possibly the most awkward he has ever felt, when he's pulling the tight-fitted tail over his swimming trunks and then doing his best to walk towards the swimming pool with it, making a perfect imitation of the awkward penguin he has been comparing himself to. He wants to run or tell Blaine not to look, or possibly the ground to eat him, because this is _not_ what he signed for.

Blaine is in his swimming trunks too, as he could fall in the water at any moment. He has the kind of chair they use to help handicapped people get in the pool hovering over the water, but it's not exactly very stable to lie over and bend down to take pictures on. But none of that really helps Kurt with this feeling. He huffs an gets in the water, as he hasn't really got any other good choice here.

All of the awkwardness disappears, when he actually gets to the water, testing the tail a bit and figuring how it works. When he dives, closes his eyes and flips the tail experimentally, he can just about forget all of the world around and he can imagine himself turning into this magical creature he is supposed to be representing. It feels magical in the strangest, and best, way. Then he gets up to breathe again, and the magic world vanishes and he's greeted with Blaine's happy, affectionate smile. It's just as good.

During the actual shoots, Kurt get's the hang of what he's supposed to do pretty quickly, and it surprises him how easy it is. In a way, he's not even aware of the camera, or Blaine, or the world. Every time he sinks under water, closes his eyes and pushes the air from his lungs to fall to the bottom and grabs some spoon or comb to hold, the smile he's supposed to have in the photos comes without trying. And, he supposes, it's really fitting for the role, that he was so awkward with this above the ground, but underwater it's the most simple thing in the world, because isn't that how the mermaids are? Then, after ten or twenty seconds of quiet peace, he feels the need for more air again, and when his head breaks the water, the illusion breaks too, but it's all good. It's only a short while and he goes down again. He doesn't even know when he has felt as confident and simply good as he does now.

Of course that feeling doesn't last for long. When Blaine announces that he's ready and that they really need to get all the stuff out of the pool before people start coming in to actually swim, the illusion of power over himself vanishes as fast as it came. Afterwards, when they sit on the bench nearby, Kurt's tail turned into two feet again, wet props lying on a towel to dry and Blaine's arms hugging his towel covered, slightly shivering torso, he is back to the awkward penguin again. Back to real him, just feeling a just that much more vulnerable after his short while of blissful forgetfulness.

He's smiling at Blaine though, hiding his discomfort, because Blaine seems excited and happy and satisfied and it would be a shame to make that go away. It would go away, he knows, because Blaine would be worried about him and asking if he's sure he's okay and the good feeling he's having would be ruined. Kurt doesn't want that. He just wishes he could get dressed and move away and be alone for a while. When he eventually moves to stand up, though, Blaine stands with him, and suddenly Blaine is kissing him almost fiercely, holding him tight against his body, and it feels so good at first. But then Kurt's towel falls and they both are shirtless and wet, and Kurt feels a little cold and a little like he wants to escape right now, because he's not ready for this. Vert soon it feels too much, and he's never been more aware of how thin and pale and unattractive his body is and he feels like he's completely naked in front of Blaine even though he knows he has the trunks on, and he is so not ready for this, and surely Blaine must realise how horribly ugly and unsexy he truly is, and there's something else he can't quite understand telling him that he doesn't want to be there, and he has no cover for himself and he really kind of needs it to stop now.

But he can't stop. He can't run. This is exactly what he promised himself earlier, that he would be a real boyfriend for Blaine. This is what real boyfriends do, they kiss without shirts on and they want to do it because it feels good. And it does feel good, God it does, because Blaine is a wonderful kisser and he is so sexy and there is no way Kurt couldn't want him, even if he feels like he himself doesn't fit the scene at all. So he stays, and he kisses Blaine back, pulls Blaine against him even tighter, and forces the discomfort go away, because this is not supposed to feel anything else but wonderful. And when Blaine answers with trying to pull him even closer and letting out a tiny whine, he thinks this has to be the right thing to do. This is good. This is how it's supposed to be, no matter what his stupid feelings are saying. He can push the bad feelings away and almost, almost believe nothing is wrong.

And when they finally separate, get dressed and say goodbyes with smiles and little kisses, he feels like he had just imagined all that discomfort, because this moment, right now, with Blaine is perfect. It feels so right. It truly feels like it's supposed to be, and all those bad feelings are just a distant echo of a thought in the back of his head. So easy to forget.

* * *

**A/N:** First time I don't think I have anything intellectual to say here. I'm drained. But please tell me what you thought about the chapter and what you feel about it and the future. I want to know. I'm curious like that. And it'll help me to write the next chapters. :)


	14. 040-042

**Author's note:** Thank you for you awesome people, who take the time to write reviews. Did I mention you are awesome?

These things just keep getting longer and longer and I am unable to stop the avalanche of words. How sad.

**Warnings**: There's some stuff that almost resembles smut but not really at all. You'll get it when you see it. But if you are uncomfortable with stuff like that, just tread carefully while reading the last part. Also warnings for panicking and other strong emotions of the bad kind.

**Disclaimer:** Lalala, I own nothing at all, just let me play with your toys.

* * *

**040 - What is hidden**

Blaine knows something is wrong with Kurt. Or, maybe not _wrong_, because 'wrong' sounds ominous, but there's definitely something he is not telling and doesn't want Blaine to notice. But of course he notices. He just doesn't know what it is and what he could do about it. He also doesn't know if it's something important or if it's not really any kind of deal at all. He watches Kurt and tries to figure it out, and he tries to give Kurt chances to talk about it, but it seems Kurt is determined to be fine, and if Kurt is like that, then Blaine doesn't want to assume. It's really nothing major or apparent, either, and if Blaine wasn't so tuned to watching Kurt's every reaction, he might not even have noticed anything.

It's just that sometimes when they're together Kurt puts up this smile that is mostly honest but there's just a slight hint of fake behind it, like he's covering something that is there behind the feelings he shows. And other times, Blaine notices Kurt's eyes leave his for just a second to look somewhere behind him, when they're close together and joking, or kissing, or cuddling or something similar. And a few times, he has felt Kurt's muscles tense, almost unnoticeably, before he relaxes into Blaine's embrace or kisses him.

Mostly it only happens when they are in a public place, so Blaine thinks it might be that Kurt is just shy and possibly afraid of the people around. And he's tried to honor it, he really has, because pushing Kurt to do something he's not comfortable with is the last thing he wants to do, and if Kurt is not comfortable for PDA, Blaine has no problem with keeping it private. But it's not that simple - he wishes it was that simple. Because most of the time it's actually Kurt initiating their kisses and touches in the public, and Blaine really doesn't want to push Kurt away, either. That could be just as hurtful, and God knows he enjoys every single of those kisses and touches that Kurt has offered. The only thing he doesn't enjoy is not knowing what causes those tiny, carefully covered up reactions from Kurt.

When they're alone, either in Blaine's dorm room or Kurt's apartment, Kurt seems more relaxed, if also a little bit shy. But this shyness is not something he's hiding, and it's also not something Blaine would worry about. It's just that this kind of intimacy of being with being alone with the other is new for the both of them, and maybe they're not sure what the other wants. But they haven't been truly alone these last few days after the mermaid photo shoot either, not in a place where they could be sure Zach doesn't burst through the door at any moment or Rachel isn't cooking some vegan meal with only a curtain separating them, so there hasn't really been any chance for them to get more physical than light making out. It's not really a problem for Blaine, he's fine with just spending time Kurt and has no hurry to go faster.

As of right now, he is sitting on Kurt and Rachel's sofa and watching Kurt help Rachel dress up for a date with some guy from her classes, good-naturedly criticising her outfit choices and rummaging through her closet to find something matching and fashionable. It seems to be a bit of a hard task for Kurt, especially because Rachel doesn't seem to agree with all of Kurt's fashion advice, but in the end they find a compromise that both Kurt and Rachel are reasonably happy with.

What makes the whole scene fascinating for Blaine is not Rachel's outfit but this whole new kind of Kurt that he can see now, a Kurt that has strong opinions and makes sarcastic comments, but with honest caring and gentleness behind the banter. It's a confident and in control Kurt, who has no problem to say what he thinks or go against someone's opinion. It's a really nice surprise, if you ask Blaine. He suspects this is something Kurt is only with very few people, and it makes him both jealous of Rachel and thankful for her, that she can get Kurt open up like this. But then again, it's not really a shock either, because Blaine has always had a feeling that there is this kind of Kurt beneath all his timid and shy behavior. This is just the first time he has seen it so clearly, and it's a wonderful thing to witness. Even if it's not with him. But it will probably take time until Kurt's ready to be that open with him. Dating is a completely new type of relationship to Kurt, after all, the kind that has the possibility to make Kurt much more vulnerable than a simple friendship can. Again, Blaine tells himself they just need time.

He looks up, when Kurt drags Rachel in front of him and shows her off with a flourish. "Tada! What do you think?" Kurt says, with a far more confident smile that Blaine is used to seeing. It makes his heart warm.

"I think your date is a lucky guy," Blaine tells Rachel with a friendly smile. Despite all her drama, he really likes her. The first time he had met the girl hadn't been on the best of terms, as Kurt had been crying because of Blaine and Rachel had called him to come over or die trying, but they had gotten past that after Rachel saw them kissing and had decided that they were really cute together. Rachel had cornered Blaine later to tell him that she would never let him enter any Broadway show she was starring in, when she became a star, if he ever hurt Kurt in anyway, and - a slightly scarier threat - that she wouldn't hesitate to call Kurt's dad, who apparently owns a shotgun and isn't afraid to use it. But then she had told him he was welcome to the family, and things had been fine between them.

Rachel beams at him and twirls around once, so that Blaine can see the entirety of her admittedly very beautiful red dress. Kurt jogs back to her room and returns with a small elegant black purse.

"Just take this, and you are officially ready." Kurt offers her the purse and then pulls her to a hug. Then he pushes her towards the door with a strict "Now go, or you won't get there in time. There is no such thing as fashionably late!" She giggles and shouts her goodbyes before closing the door behind her. "Knock him off his feet!" Blaine manages to shout before she's gone and Kurt and Blaine are faced with a sudden, startling silence. Kurt sits down next to Blaine with a sigh and snuggles into him, pulling Blaine's arm around him, so confidently, like he has forgotten he's not that confident fashionista all the time with Blaine. Then he seems to get out of the mood and Blaine can sense him getting a bit more cautious again, but he doesn't move away. They stay like that for a while, just feeling the calm after the storm called Rachel, before Kurt suddenly gets up and goes to retrieve his Book of dreams.

"I thought you said we need to plan the next photo shoot today. So, maybe we can get to it… Search for something in here," Kurt says, biting his lip as if he's not a t all sure of what he's doing, before he sits down next to Blaine and opens the book on both of their laps. Kurt flips the pages at random, almost distractedly, and Blaine can sense that something is making Kurt really nervous about this. Then he realises it's the first time he has given Blaine the chance to hold the book and go through the pages himself. He feels honored that Kurt would let him do this, but he also doesn't want to intrude. The book is really such an intimate thing, filled with Kurt's secrets and desires and pain. So he pushes the book to Kurt's lap.

"You don't have to show it all to me. Maybe you can just find some page you don't mind sharing and we can see if we find something interesting to use there." he smiles at Kurt gently, and even though Kurt mutters something about it not being necessary, he can see Kurt's shoulders sagging with relief, and he knows he did the right thing. He just wishes Kurt didn't push himself like this. Kurt goes through some pages, before he picks one and puts the book back down so that they both can see. Blaine turns to read and there's still some nervousness in Kurt but not nearly as much as before, and Blaine is confident that this is fine. This particular page is more toward the end, meaning these are written when Kurt was at least 15 or so. Then Blaine sees one line that makes him feel both deep compassion and the fierce need to make Kurt feel better and more like the confident Kurt that he saw a glimpse of today. _'55. Sometimes I just want to hurt them like they've hurt me.'_

He points it out to Kurt and he feels Kurt stiffen beside him, but before he gets to the point of backtracking, Kurt looks up at him, with some kind of mask on his face. Mask that Blaine can't see through to get any kind of sense of what Kurt is feeling. The mask is of confidence, but it's just that - a mask, not real like the way Kurt had been just a half hour ago.

"If you have an idea for it, then it's fine," Kurt says, voice unwavering, and the mask stays on. But Blaine knows this dream is not some childhood wish, it's something obviously written to let out pain and sorrow and anger bottled inside by a hurting teenage boy, and Blaine can understand how that is, even if he doesn't know anything about the actual situation that triggered the words. But Kurt surely remembers, and maybe the mask is there to protect him from all the vulnerability that the memory brings. It might hurt Blaine a little that Kurt feels he cannot trust Blaine with these feelings, but he knows they are not there yet, that Kurt is not there yet, and he just has to accept that. He can't force it and he doesn't even want to. What he can do is to make this shoot something that can make Kurt feel strength and control and the right to be angry at people who hurt him. He's already got an idea of how to do that, and he just hopes Kurt will understand what Blaine means to say with it.

* * *

**041 - How pathetic he is**

Thanksgiving is coming just the next week, and they kind of need to get the next shoot ready before it to stay in their schedule, so they have been working on the next photo shoot, going through Blaine's idea, choosing locations and finding and making the stuff that they need for it.

For the first time in a while, Kurt is really nervous about the next photo shoot. Not because he didn't think the idea was good but because it involved a dream that isn't really a dream, but more like a cry for help and memories that he'd rather not remember or deal with. He hasn't told Blaine what the dream was about and Blaine hasn't demanded him to tell it. Some small part of Kurt really wants to tell Blaine, because just like with other hurtful memories, it helps to rip off the bandages and open the wounds to get it all out. Mostly he's grateful, because he is just really afraid of the initial pain that comes with the ripping. He's afraid of the memories, and how letting them all out might affect him after all these steps forward that he has taken these last few months.

And if he's really honest with himself, he's afraid to tell Blaine, because it's a memory about the time when Kurt was the most vulnerable, the absolute weakest, a memory that gives people who know it the potential to really hurt him, and he's afraid to let anyone in that kind of position over him. He already is so weak in Blaine's hands that it really scares him, and that part of him just wants to not give him any more ammunition. Even if he knows Blaine would never hurt him intentionally. Blaine cares about him and just wants to help. He does know that. But there is a tiny voice behind the knowledge that whispers_ how can you ever be so sure about anyone_, and _what about the day when he realises you are not worth the trouble. _A voice that Kurt isn't able to silence completely, no matter how hard he tries and no matter what reassurances Blaine's words and touches and looks gives him.

They decide to do the shoot on the campus on Sunday afternoon to avoid having too many people around, so they have a few days to prepare. On Friday evening they get to Blaine's dorm room with the supplies they need to prepare for the Sunday's shoot. Zach is there, too, and decides that he wants to help. He's surprisingly good with scissors, and is currently cutting a word out of white cardboard. Kurt is writing on a white t-shirt with a fabric pen and Blaine is drawing another word on a second piece of cardboard.

"What is this all for?" Zach asks curiously after a while. Kurt looks away; he doesn't know if he's ready to explain this to Zach or to anybody. Even without the story behind the dream, this particular shoot and the dream inspiring it have the potential to make him feel weak, and like he can't defend himself. Kurt hates that feeling. That feeling is what makes him wary of all people and pull away from all kinds of human contact. That is what makes him hide rather than face it. He doesn't know how he could stop Blaine from explaining the shoot from Zach, though. And he knows Blaine is doing all this to help him, that this particular photo shoot is designed to make him feel strong, so he simply can't admit how uncomfortable this also makes him feel. He can't do that to Blaine, who is just doing his best to help.

"Oh, yeah, we're doing this photo shoot on Sunday, about a dream from Kurt's book about defending yourself against the bullies. We'll go to the narrow alley between the old administration buildings on campus, you know the place, right? Then Kurt will be holding the word that you are just cutting in his hand like a sword and then this other one I'm doing. And he'll be in kind of a protective fighting stance and he's wearing this t-shirt Kurt's making to emphasise the point. And there will be a blindfold on his eyes, too." That, the blindfold is one of the things that make Kurt uneasy with this. Just the thought of wearing one in public sounds way too scary. Kurt listens to Blaine's explanation and almost, almost says out loud that he doesn't want to do this after all.

But then Blaine's voice softens and it gets this protective, loving tone, and just that is enough to make Kurt think that maybe it's all going to be ok. "I know Kurt's been through a lot, and a lot of people have to face bullying and hateful ignorant people every day, and I know how much it can hurt. So I just thought I would try to make these photos like a protective shield against all the hateful things other people can say and do. I want them to say 'hey, if you're looking at this, just know that you don't have to stay silent and take their hate in silence, you are allowed to be angry and fight'." And _God_, Kurt thinks, _how could I never say no to doing this after that speech? No matter how scared I am. _He wants to be brave enough to do it. He wants to be like Blaine described, rise up against the people and against his own fears and not be the weak thing he is anymore.

/

On Sunday, almost exactly at midday, they walk into the narrow alley between two now mostly deserted administration buildings that have deep red brick walls and all kinds of graffiti painted on are some more artsy ones, as well as some simple initials and hateful words, fitting for their theme. The small path between the buildings is so narrow that most of the time sunlight doesn't reach the cobblestones, but right now the alley is mostly filled with light, the shadows only cutting their legs in half. They choose a good spot and try some positions. It needs to look like Kurt's ready to fight, knees slightly bent and torso a little crouched, but his hands need to be enough on the side so that the words are readable. The other word, 'weapon' is in Kurt's right hand, held like a sword, and he's holding the word 'shield' like a medieval shield near his left shoulder. He's wearing simple black sweats and a white t-shirt that has two words written on it with bold black letters. 'Never again', it says.

When they're ready, Blaine takes the blindfold out of his pocket. It's there to symbolise him being the victim, giving a concrete sing of the vulnerabilities he has when faced with the bullies. Kurt hates it, both for the metaphor, and because wearing it really will make him more defenceless against anyone, who might decide to come to this deserted place on Sunday afternoon after all. Objectively, he knows there is no real danger, but the feeling stays. He hates being defenceless, and he doesn't want to show Blaine how afraid he really is to wear the stupid thing, so he just puts it on and doesn't mention when his heart starts to beat a little too fast and all these memories come flooding his mind. These photos are supposed to be about overcoming all that, but he can't help but feel he's definitely not over them, and it's painful to notice that. When Blaine has to position him again now that he can't see, Kurt almost shrinks away from his hands. But then he steels himself, because he doesn't want to be this weak, he _can't _be this weak, and most of all, he can't let Blaine know how pathetic he really is.

He concentrates on taking a confident, fierce smile for the photos. At first it's hard. But then, trapped in this dark world of adrenaline and fear and bad memories he somehow realises that this is really what he is fighting against, his own fear and the memories of all the hurting words and shoves and slushies he has had thrown at him, and he realises he really wants to win. Instead of running and hiding, he feels like he wants to stand and fight. The adrenaline in his body helps, the protective stance makes him feel powerful, the idea of the metaphorical sword in his hand makes him want to hurt back, and the words on his t-shirt feel like they're branding themselves on his chest, because never again, he doesn't want to feel that worthless and pathetic and useless ever again. The smile he's supposed to have feels more like a snarl now, but it's definitely fierce. He feels strong against the enemies attacking him in his head in the darkness. The outside world with Blaine and the camera and the alley streamed with sunlight are fading away.

They all crash back on him, though, when Blaine is suddenly there, pulling him into a fast kiss. Kurt freezes. He knows it's Blaine, it has to be, and he can smell Blaine and hear it's him and feel his familiar lips, but he can't see anything and he was shocked out of his mind so fast that he just can't help the sudden, blinding fear taking over.

"You were wonderful, so strong and fierce, Night sky." Blaine says with some deep emotion, like he's really touched and in awe of Kurt. Kurt hears it, but it doesn't get through all the way, because he feels Blaine's hands on his face, and instead of being comforting like it's supposed to, he can only concentrate on the fact that he's wearing a blindfold and Blaine's hands are holding it place so that he can't get it off. So in the end, even though he has told himself to be brave and be what Blaine needs and wants over and over again, in this second it is forgotten and he pulls off Blaine's embrace fast, takes a few steps back and fumbles frantically with the knot behind his head to get the blindfold off. When it falls down and he can see again, the brightness hurts his eyes but he forces them open, takes in the sunlight streamed alley and Blaine, safe and familiar Blaine, who Kurt realises is looking at him with a hurt, confused and very concerned expression.

The relief of being able to see makes the fear melt away and he's left with guilt and disappointment. Disappointment for being so weak and letting his fear win, of letting Blaine see it. Guilt for making Blaine worry when Kurt shouldn't be like this in the first place. He should be over this stuff already, and it's such a stupid thing to be scared for, it was always just Blaine there and he _knew_ it was Blaine, so why was he afraid? So he goes back to hug Blaine, and tells him he's ok and that it was nothing,really, that the blindfold just felt uncomfortable and he wanted to get it off, repeating that it's fine every time Blaine asks if he's sure he's ok. He knows Blaine doesn't really believe it, because who would react that strongly just because a blindfold itches, but Kurt denies everything else, even from himself, because he doesn't want to deal with it now. Deep inside he realises he can't keep up with this pretending to be ready for stuff, this hiding his fears and discomfort from Blaine and from himself for forever. He knows that sooner or later there will be a situation when no pretence will be enough and Blaine will see how pathetic he really is. He just hopes it will be later instead of sooner.

* * *

**042 - One wrong move**

Blaine's flight back to Ohio is leaving pretty early on Tuesday, so they decide to spend Monday evening together at Kurt and Rachel's. Kurt's saving the money to go home on Christmas, so for Kurt it's going to be a whole new kind of Thanksgiving in their New York apartment with Rachel, a couple of her friends from NYADA and Aino, who Kurt invited to experience Thanksgiving at least in some way and also because he doesn't want to be the odd one out in his own house, when all the other guests know each other. Rachel is again spending her evening with the new guy Brody that she went out with earlier, so Blaine and Kurt have the place to themselves for a few hours. They had cooked a simple meal together and to Blaine the domesticity of it felt good in a simple and easy way. It feels like when he was on an almost empty ice rink as a kid, just skating around gliding on the ice, every move feeling effortless and smooth. Then he chuckles to himself: there he goes, making these silly analogies again. It's like Kurt just has this ability to pull them out of him. After dinner they are sitting on the sofa, going through yesterday's photos and trying to figure out which one Blaine should use. Kurt has his head on Blaine's shoulder, but he's strangely quiet and still, even for Kurt.

"What are you thinking?" Blaine asks, trying to come off curious instead of concerned. Even though he kind of is concerned; he has been since what happened after the photo shoot and whatever Kurt is not telling him. Because before he thought Kurt would come to him when he was ready to talk. And before he didn't think it was anything particularly serious, because Kurt wouldn't hide something like that, right? But yesterday Kurt had jumped out of his arms, clearly really scared, and even with the emotional load that the shoot must have given him, it was very alarming that he dismissed it immediately afterwards, saying it was nothing, pretending he was okay when Blaine could almost taste the remnants of Kurt's fear in the air. He just can't let it go again, because whatever it is, they obviously need to talk about it.

Kurt shrugs stiffly. "Nothing, really," he answers, trying to sound nonchalant, but Blaine can hear the discomfort beneath. He puts the laptop on the coffee table and pulls Kurt closer to his side, trying to offer comfort. He hears Kurt let out a sigh and he doesn't know if it's good or bad, but it's something.

"Ok, I know it's not nothing, I can practically hear the wheels rolling in your head," Blaine chuckles, trying to keep the mood light. Maybe it will be easier for Kurt to talk that way. "Is it something these photos made you think?" Kurt doesn't answer immediately, and he's body makes an involuntary twitch, as if to pull away, before he settles down again.

"Yeah." he admits, reluctantly. It's pretty clear to Blaine he doesn't want to elaborate, but Blaine's not having it.

"Just tell me," he says with a gentle voice. Again, a brief silence.

"It's just weird to see myself like that." He points to the direction of Blaine's laptop. "It doesn't look like me. I'm not strong like that." Kurt's voice is small and resigned. Blaine doesn't understand.

"How can you say that? You've had to endure so much and you're still here, still standing, aren't you? You haven't given up, even if it might feel like it."

"It does feel like it, though," Kurt whispers bitterly. "Back when I wrote that sentence, I was ridiculed every day , for being gay, for looking the part, for having this girly voice, for existing, or whatever they could think of, and there wasn't a single friend for me to talk to in my life. Rachel wasn't there yet. The only person I could trust wouldn't hurt me was my dad, and how sad is that? I tried to hide, I tried to stay away from people to not make them hate me more, but nothing worked. Nothing ever worked." Kurt sounds so defeated, when he tells this. But there is something there Blaine needs to point out, to make Kurt see how brave he was even then.

"But you were out of the closet, you were brave enough to do that." Blaine doesn't know what reaction he expected to get, but it wasn't Kurt pulling away from Blaine and glaring at him, bitter and angry.

"Yeah, because my one and only friend, well at least I thought he was a friend, sold my story out to the bullies to not be pulled down with me. Leaving the figurative sinking ship by telling the whole school I'm gay, making it a show even. Really fucking brave of me, isn't it?" Kurt sneers. Blaine is shocked, he doesn't know what to think. Who does something like that? What hasn't Kurt had to go wrong in his life? And he's not sure what he could have said that would have been a worse attempt to comfort than what he'd just said. Suddenly the ice beneath his skates that he imagined earlier doesn't feel that smooth and stable anymore.

"Oh, Kurt. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have assumed, I shouldn't… I don't even know, I'm just sorry for what happened and for what I said." Blaine takes Kurt's hand in desperate attempt to make things right again.

"Whatever. It's fine, Blaine," Kurt deflates a little, now looking just resigned and tired.

"No, it isn't. I'm sorry… Do you want to talk about it?" he asks, hesitating. He thinks it would be good for Kurt to talk, but it seems it's not an easy topic by any measure. He realises he kind of forced all those memories to come back to Kurt with the photo shoot, and he's not sure if he did more harm than help with it. He only wanted to make Kurt feel stronger, but he had no idea… Yeah, he had no idea.

"No." Kurt answers in away that leaves no room for the conversation.

"But.." Blaine starts, but something flashes in Kurt's eyes, hurt and maybe even desperation, and Blaine drops it. He looks down and so he doesn't see the moment, when Kurt's face turns into another kind of mask, a mask of confidence and teasing and want. When he looks back up, he sees Kurt sizing him up with something like need and fierce determination in his eyes. It's an unfamiliar look on Kurt and it's really very hot, it makes Kurt sexy in a whole new level that he normally is (and Kurt's normal is pretty sexy too), and Blaine wonders if Kurt has hypnotic powers, as he feels the need to just let Kurt do whatever it is he's thinking of doing, because who's he to say no to _that_?

There is also a small but insistent voice in his head saying that while it's undeniably hot, it also seems like another one of those walls Kurt builds around him, another mask to hide something from Blaine, and that it seems unlikely that Kurt's mood would have changed so completely in just a second. The voice gets stronger and Blaine almost lets it out, but then Kurt is suddenly pressing him down against the sofa and straddling him, kissing him hard and taking control so very deliciously. Blaine is still not that far from a teenage boy, and it feels way too good for him to listen to that voice anymore, so he just lets everything happen. And for a while, it's perfect. Kurt is pressing himself down on Blaine, kissing and licking his neck and letting his hands roam over Blaine, and Blaine realises he's doing the same with his own hands, and wow, Kurt's body feels exactly as wonderful as he has always imagined, pressed against him, flushed under his wandering hands. Somewhere deep the voice of reason is saying this is way too fast and way too heated and it's not the way he wanted this to happen, but it's really just too hard to listen to it in this moment, when everything is just bodies and lips and this hot boy hovering over him.

After a moment Blaine feels a hand on the top of his pants, moving to open the zipper, and that should have been a warning sign, because they haven't even discussed this yet and he is pretty sure Kurt would have said something earlier if he was really ready for this, but Kurt's hand is right there pressing on his crotch and it feels too fucking amazing to think. He realises that he had thrust up against Kurt's hand and moaned only when a second later the hot weight of Kurt is gone and he's left alone on the sofa, panting lightly and feeling utterly out of it, not understanding what is going on.

Then he sees Kurt on the other side of the room, arms wrapped around his torso, shaking a little and looking so, so very small and lost and terrified, and Blaine wants to hit himself or throw something, because even if it was Kurt initiating, he should have known it wasn't a good idea. And then he's just confused, because Kurt did more than initiate it, he had taken complete control, until he's suddenly there looking like he's been violated, and Blaine just can't see, what is going on.

"Kurt? Night sky… what happened?" But Kurt just shakes his head, grimacing like he can't keep the expression out of his face.

"Just… speak to me. Please." Blaine is feeling increasingly desperate. Kurt is still shaking his head.

"Did I do something I shouldn't? Did I hurt you?" Blaine asks, even though he doesn't really know what he could have done. That gets Kurt's head up and looking at him, at the very least. The panic in his eyes doesn't help much, though.

"No. Blaine, no it wasn't you, you did nothing wrong." That, at least, sounds completely honest, said with Kurt's pleading eyes boring into his. "It's all me, all me, I just couldn't.. I just can't, Blaine." And his eyes are filling with tears as he turns his head away.

"Kurt, whatever it is, just please tell 'll figure it out." Blaine is now pleading as well.

"Please, don't, Blaine… You are wonderful, but I just can't,not now.." a fast intake of breath, and then, so so quietly but still painfully clear, "You promised me earlier that I could run away, if I needed to."

A gulp. "Yes."

"I need to. Now. Please."

"Ok." And that's all Blaine can say, because he did promise that, and he will honour it even if he regrets ever saying anything like that now. He takes his laptop and his jacket and walks to the door. Then he turns once more to look at Kurt to say this one last thing.

"You remember you promised me back something as well?" Blaine asks, his voice just as insecure now.

Kurt looks him in the eye, and there is some small glimmer of hope for Blaine there, but it's so deep under all the panic and discomfort and pain that he can't be sure. "I'll come back to you. When I'm ready. I promised."

At least Blaine has that. It's just that he doesn't know what Kurt will be back for. To make up? To explain? Or to say goodbye? He doesn't know, and the one thing he can think of is how hard it is to connect the smooth skater from earlier that evening to this boy who has lost his balance and hit the ice hard. He's reminded that while ice can be so smooth when your gliding on it, it is also exceptionally slippery - only one wrong move and you're down.

* * *

**A/N: **Ok, so I realise this was pretty sad and it was an evil way to end this chapter. But just bear with me, it's not going to be the end of their story. Also, I want to point out that this story is not going to end when the semester ends and the photos will not end when Blaine's course ends. Just so you don't have to worry your pretty heads. :)


	15. 043-045

**Author's note:** I just want to say that I am thankful for each and every one of you, whose reading. You are great. Even if you don't review and just enjoy this, you're still great. I hope my story can give your life something, happiness, a distraction, something to think about, help, make you less bored, whatever. That's why I'm writing this, and if I succeed in that, I'm happy.

Why am I so sentimental? Because I just got over 200 followers and that's about 199 more than I ever thought I would get. And writing this chapter took me to places, so sue me.

On a more technical note, this chapter contains two parts in a row from Kurt's POV, but that's because they are actually one long part, that just would not have fitted into one. I couldn't sacrifice anything in it and I also couldn't break it into two with Blaine's POV, so this is what you get.

To end this russian classic of an AN, I just want to say I hope you will all enjoy this and keep reading!

**Disclaimer:** I haven't bought any rights to Glee since the last chapter, so nothing's changed. No money is made with this. Luckily my government pays for me to "study".

* * *

**043 - Nowhere left to hide, part 1**

Blaine is asking all these questions and Kurt knows he has to answer, he knows he has to talk about these things, but he really, really doesn't want to. Looking at those photos from yesterday makes him feel sad, because it looks like a lie, Kurt is not like that and has never been. He has never dared to fight, he has always just hidden and run, and when that didn't work, just taken it all in silence. That one time he dared to fight for himself was also when he was shown how big a mistake standing tall was. Karofsky. Karofsky had taught him two lessons: just how worthless he was and also how he really should never believe people can't be any worse than they seem.

But already before that there was Jacob. Jacob who he once had though was his one and only friend. Jacob, who in middle school was just as pathetic and lonely as he was, teased for his mob of unkept curls and huge eyeglasses. Jacob, who he had never really liked, but who had been equally bullied and teased. They had bonded over it, and Kurt had made the mistake of trusting his biggest secret with him. He had really thought Jacob was the one person who understood, but really, who would ever pick Kurt over themselves? And when high school came and they got a whole new set of bullies with a whole new level of nasty, Jacob had seen his way out. He started his blog to dig all the best gossip and publish it, making him at least valuable enough an asset for the popular kids that nobody bullied him. And Kurt was the best and biggest gossip to start the blog with. Gay. The new, shy, pathetic new freshman kid, who dresses weird and acts even weirder, is gay. It really had been the one hit to get Jacob his fame. And Kurt his position at the very bottom of the food chain.

That had been the moment, when Kurt had written this particular dream. He was never a fan of violence, but having his only friend turn on him, bringing the rest of the school with him, felt the deepest kind of hurt and betrayal he had ever experienced. That had been the time Kurt had really learned not to trust anyone. Rachel had gotten through to him, but she was the lone exception to the rule.

And Now Blaine is asking about it all, wanting him to tell the worst story of his life. He knows he has to say something, but it's just hard. Then Blaine goes and tells him he was brave to be out in high school. The surge of anger is fierce, because he had just forced himself relive through the memories of his outing and how it was the most pathetic he had ever felt himself. How much he hated himself of ever trusting anyone with his deepest feelings. So he shouts all his anger out, anger towards Blaine but mostly towards himself, and just like that the story slips out and it's too late to take it back now. Blaine is looking horrified and saying he is so sorry, and _God_, it really isn't Blaine's fault. It's all him, _he_ is such an idiot, such a fool. The biggest loser on the planet, literally. He really hates himself in the moment, and he hates that Blaine is there to see this. He tried to protect Blaine from it, and protect himself from Blaine, putting up this act, but Blaine always sees through him. Reads him like an open book.

And Blaine is still not giving it up, asking him if he wants to talk about it. He can't. He tells Blaine so, but Blaine still starts to speak again. And he can't do this, can't let Blaine see this part of him. This pathetic, stupid part that even he himself hates. The part that would take all the control Kurt has left away, if he let Blaine see it, that would give Blaine all the ammunition he needed to completely evaporate him. And he needs to be in control, he fears so much what could happen if he isn't anymore. He looks up and sees Blaine, head ducked low, and he has only one idea, one thing he still could give Blaine without losing control of himself. Who cares, if the idea makes him scared shitless, because at least his own body is still his, he can do what he wants with it, and if he gives it up to Blaine of his own accord, then at least he made the choice and he's not so vulnerable and defenseless. Maybe this way he can protect his mind and heart, which he fears for much more than for his body, even if he's not sure which he fears more, Blaine of himself.

So he kisses Blaine, pushes him down and the exhilarating feeling of power and control is so perfect at first. At least he can do this, he can make his boyfriend feel good like this, make him breathless and dizzy. He knows he's not ready for this, and that this is exactly what his Dad warned him about when he told him that he _mattered_, but he can't care right now. It's all an act, there is no way he could ever really be this sure about something as openly sexual as this, but it feels good to act, because at least that way he can give Blaine something he wants and expects in a relationship. At least he can be a good boyfriend in this way. So he mimic the things he has seen in movies, and he thinks he really would have made a great actor, if he wasn't so socially awkward.

And then his hand is on Blaine's crotch and he hasn't really even realised he was doing that, but then Blaine moans and thrusts against his hand, cock fully hard, and Kurt suddenly realises how real this all is. What he is doing. And he realises where this is going and that he really can't act through that. The fear gets to him so, so fast, because the act has been changed into reality, the desperate actor has changed back to the boy who is so afraid to trust anyone, and he can't do it anymore. He just can't, definitely not now, and the realisation hurts just as much as the panic from the situation itself does, because he is such a failure, in every single way. He can't even do this, he can't even have sex with his boyfriend. He tells Blaine to go, to protect him and to protect himself. it hurts to see him leave, but it's also a relief, because at least he doesn't have to face any of those things now, even if he's left alone again.

When Rachel returns, Kurt is already in his bed, faking sleep that doesn't come for a long time.

/

The next day he thinks how Blaine is on the airplane and then stops thinking about it, because he doesn't think he can handle thinking about Blaine or the what is going on. What it all worst isn't that he got a panic attack or that he pushed himself too far, the problem is that Blaine saw all that and now he knows exactly how damaged and broken Kurt is. No matter how much he tried to act and be the boyfriend he wanted to be, it all fell apart in the end, just like he knew it would, and he doesn't know if there is a way back now. He can't go back to acting the perfect boyfriend, he couldn't do it to himself anymore and he couldn't do it to Blaine, and Blaine wouldn't believe it anymore anyway. And there he goes, thinking about Blaine again. He shouldn't do that. Not as long as it still brings out this much fear and confusion and pain and no way out to be seen. And he knows, he really knows that this what he always does, he escapes things he fears instead of facing them, but he doesn't feel the strength to change the habit now.

Instead, he throws himself into planning Thanksgiving. He cleans the already pretty neat apartment thoroughly, he plans the greatest dinner he can with their humble budget, goes around the shops to find the cheapest prices for the ingredients, plans all kinds of games they could play. Rachel sees something is wrong and she knows it's about Blaine, but she, bless her, seems to realise Kurt needs his escape, and for once doesn't try to make him speak about it, instead just making sure he sleeps and eats between all the planning.

Finally Thursday comes, and he's cooking and baking, and cleaning even though there is nothing left to clean, and he still hasn't contacted Blaine. Blaine hasn't tried to contact him either, but he knows it's because Blaine is honouring his promise to let Kurt run. God, how pathetic that is. And he's thinking about Blaine again, so he goes back to decorating the cheesecake like it's the most important thing in the world. It is, everything is, as long as it's keeping him not thinking.

Eventually, the guests come and he's faced with a dozen enthusiastic and vocal NYADA students, and Aino, who instantly sees something is wrong with Kurt but doesn't ask, instead just talks about Thanksgiving traditions and keeps Kurt company so he's not left alone with all the broadway-actors-and-actresses-to-be. Kurt is again so grateful for the non-existing fate that sent her to him, because she's the best kind of friend Kurt could ask for: she just is there and accepts him without pushing for anything he's not comfortable with, giving him all the space he needs without being the least bit unfriendly or cold. And somehow, after a few hours, Aino gets him out of his inner panic, not fully but at least enough for him to feel like he could think about what happened without running again.

Aino seems to notice the change, and they go the the ratty balcony together, leaving the noise of the party, to stare at night lights of the city. One of the street lights is flickering, going on an off. Broken, like he feels. They are quiet for a while, just standing side by side in companionable silence. In the end, Kurt starts to explain what happened, not everything, but just enough for Aino to get the gist of what happened on Monday. And then Kurt tells vaguely about his acting, and how he doesn't even really know what is wrong with him, and how he doesn't know what to do. Aino is silent, doesn't ask any questions and just listens. When Kurt is finished, she finally turns to look at him.

"I'm glad you felt you could tell me." Her voice is gentle but there is no pity or anything else Kurt might have feared. Just acceptance. "I know you didn't tell me everything, and that's completely ok." No accusation, just a statement of fact. "But I think you really should talk about this to someone you can really trust, someone who you can tell absolutely everything to. Because this is something big, something you can't simply ignore anymore. You need to face it, no matter how difficult it is." Aino's voice sounds like she's speaking from experience, and Kurt wonders what has there been in her life to have this calm girl hide from her emotions. But whatever it is, he can't help hearing the truth in her words. He's come to the end of his escape, there's nowhere to hide anymore, and it's time to turn back and face what's chasing him. And he knows there is only one person who he could trust the way Aino described. His father.

* * *

**044 - Nowhere left to hide, part 2**

Next morning, when Rachel leaves to have brunch with her slightly hung over friends, Kurt finds his dad's number in his phone and presses 'call'. After the talk with Aino last night Kurt had gone to join the party for a while and then slept when the others left. When he woke this morning, he felt all the words Aino had said like shining neon lights that he couldn't ignore. _He needs to talk to someone. This is something he can't ignore_. It takes a while but then he hears his father's gruff voice on the other end of the line, and he already feels like so much weight is off his back. He knows this phone call is going to be hard, but he needs it, too. So much.

"Morning, kiddo," his dad says, voice rough like he was still sleeping but a definite smile in it.

"Morning, dad. How are you still sleeping, it's already eleven?"

"Carole ordered me to rest, and she's stubborn when she wants to be," Burt chuckles.

"Thank her for me, will you?" Kurt lets out a laugh. No matter how bad he feels, family is always a comfort.

"I knew you'd be on her side," Burt mock grumbles. "So why are you calling?" he asks then, completely serious.

"Can't I just call my dad to ask how he is?"

"I know my son, and I can hear there is something important you want to talk about. And I'm always here to listen. So spill." Kurt feels like he wants to cry already, and it's really too early for that, but the reminder of how well his father knows him and how much he cares about him is so needed right now.

"Yeah, there is something. Something happened, with Blaine."

Burt hums, telling Kurt he's listening. He has told his dad a lot about Blaine, about how nice, and kind, and handsome, and wonderful Blaine is, first as a friend and later as a boyfriend. The boyfriend part had come as a surprise, because before Kurt hadn't told him how much he really likes Blaine or how much it hurt when Blaine didn't like him back, as he didn't want to worry his dad. But when Blaine had kissed him and they'd decided to try something together, Kurt thought his dad really needed to know. And he wanted to share the wonderful feeling. Although, he had still downplayed the insecurities and misunderstandings a lot. Burt had been cautious at first about Blaine and their relationship, because he knew his son could be so easily hurt with stuff like this, and he still was, albeit being less vocal about it, because his son sounded happy and that was the most important. Kurt felt anxious, thinking about it now. He had glossed over the problems and doubts and insecurities he'd had during the last weeks, the stuff he had done his best to hide from himself too, just telling his father all the great parts of the relationship, and now he would need to let all that out too.

"Something - bad."

"I thought you said you were doing well?" Burt sounds a little confused and a lot concerned.

"We are! I mean, we were… Or, at least I wanted to believe we were," Kurt lets out. And then he proceeds to tell his dad all about how insecure he had felt, not knowing what was expected of him and how much he was scared that Blaine would get bored waiting and realise he wanted someone else instead. And how that made Kurt want to be a better boyfriend than he was, being brave for Blaine and daring to do all the scary stuff, and that it had been a good thing in most cases, because it felt good to win his fears. But then it had slowly gotten way too far, he had pushed himself to do things he wasn't ready for, ending with the fiasco of Monday night, when he hadn't been able to go further anymore, gotten scared and told Blaine to leave. At this point the tears start to fall. And then he tells his dad how alone he feels, and how much he fears that he won't be able to be with Blaine anymore, that Blaine won't want him anymore now that he knows how damaged goods Kurt really is, and how he doesn't even know if he could even do it, either. When he stops to take a breath, his father interrupts his monologue.

"Kurt, buddy, what are you really afraid of?"

"Afraid.. What do you mean, dad?" he asks, shocked out of his thoughts.

"You just told me all about how you were acting out this definition of a 'good boyfriend' that you've created in your head. And I know you are afraid of Blaine leaving you. But that's not really the problem, is it? You said how the acting let you be in control, and you liked it. That it made you scared when you had to tell or show Blaine the parts of you that made you feel too vulnerable. And I know how hard it is for you to let anyone in all the way. So what are you really afraid of?"

Kurt takes in a shuddering breath. The question takes him completely by surprise and it hits him hard in the chest. It makes him realise something he hasn't even really thought about. The pieces have been there, enough so that his father has been able to build the real picture from what he's said, but he himself has only looked at the pieces that are easier to handle.

"Oh God," Kurt let's out after a long silence.

"Just tell me, buddy. It will help." Burt's voice is brimmed with affection and compassion.

"I… I-I guess I'm just really afraid to trust Blaine. To give him a chance to hurt me." Trusting people had always gone wrong for Kurt. Trusting people made him hurt. He had trusted her mother, when she said that she would always be there for him, and even though he knew it wasn't her fault that she died, it had still hurt. He had trusted Jacob and that trust had earned him the hate of the entire school. He had trusted his teachers to do something about it, when he went to tell the principal and some of his teachers, and they had told him they would try to handle it, but really they hadn't done anything, just turning to look the other way. He had trusted it, when their Glee club teacher had told them about the healing power of music and their unity as a group that cares about their own, but the club had been taken down fast and none of those so called friends had stuck with him, going back to their more popular and accepted friends instead. (Except Rachel, but she had had no one else, either.) And then Finn, who was supposed to be his brother, but who still didn't dare to defend him in school, fearing for his own popularity. Finn had apologised later, promising to do better, but it didn't diminish the feeling of betrayal.

And Karofsky. He had never trusted Karofsky, but he had also never believed how evil he could be, either. When he kissed him and then told him he would be dead if he ever told anyone, and he was left so utterly alone with that fear and pain, he was also truly faced with the fact that he could never trust anyone to not be worse than what they looked like, even if what they looked like was already really bad. People could always be worse.

"I guess, I couldn't let all the insecurities and vulnerabilities show, because I was so afraid he would hurt me. But Dad, I really thought I already trusted him completely. I didn't think- I really didn't realise what I was doing." He's crying now, because the realisation of what he had been doing was really painful. It wasn't just about not being enough or being insecure. It wasn't about not being ready for sex or PDA either, not really, because what really made it so scary was how all of that made him defenceless. Defenceless against the world, but even more importantly, defenceless against Blaine. And he knows, he really does know, how scared he is of all people and how much he fears to be hurt by all of them. But he had really thought he had gotten past that with Blaine. And now, he is faced with the fact how much he really hasn't.

"Kurt, son, I know. I know it's hard for you and I don't blame you for trying to protect yourself, not one bit. But you can't continue like this. Being with someone, being in a relationship is all about trusting each other. Trusting them to not hurt you and trusting them to understand you, and trusting them to care about you even when they know all the worst sides of you, too. It's always scary but that's the deal. Acting to be something you aren't, not letting Blaine in, that way you are only hurting yourself, and him." That made Kurt start.

"H-hurting Blaine?"

"Yeah, Kurt. Hurting him. From what you've told me, he sounds like a pretty nice guy, who cares about you a lot. Don't you think he would feel bad when you feel the need to act something else for him, pretending to be ok while not trusting him enough to really let him in. Not telling him what's wrong, leaving him to guess?" _God._ Kurt honestly hadn't even thought of that, but he can't not hear the truth in his dad's words, and it hurts. Because the last thing he wants to do is to hurt Blaine, who has done everything to make Kurt feel good, who has dedicated so much time just to build his confidence and make him happy. Blaine, who has always been there to comfort him and tell him how strong and brave he is, even before they became boyfriends. The caring, gentle Blaine, who has never done anything to hurt Kurt. And he still couldn't trust him enough to be real with him.

"Now, Kurt, I know you are blaming yourself, but don't, ok? I understand why you did it, and you can't blame yourself for something you did to protect yourself. But you can't go on like this. You need to figure it out, for both of your sakes."

"What should I do, Dad? What can I do?" His voice is small.

"Stop blaming yourself, for one. It's how things went, and it was what you felt you needed to do. Now, I think you have two options: You can tell Blaine that you need to break up, and then you go back to figure things out alone. Because no matter what you do, you need to face your fears, you can't just ignore them forever. Or, you can go to Blaine and tell him everything you just told me, stop pretending and really try, facing your fears dead on and letting him in all of it."

"And what do you think I should do…?" Kurt would hate how insecure he sounds now, but it's his dad.

"I can't tell you that. It's your decision and you need to figure it out yourself, what you want and what you feel ready for. But take your time to really be sure, before you do anything. You owe it to yourself, and to Blaine. You matter, Kurt, just remember that."

"I love you so much, Dad."

"I love you, too, kiddo. Now I think you have a lot to think about, so call me about the everyday stuff later. And remember, I'm always here for you, if you need me, ok?"

"Yeah, I will. Thanks."

And then his dad's voice is gone and he's left alone with his thoughts. He doesn't know what he should do, yet. Both of his dad's options sound so scary. But he thinks, maybe he would regret it more if he lost Blaine without fighting, than he would if he lost him while really trying. He still wants to hold on to Blaine. If Blaine just still wants him back.

* * *

**045 - The perfect son**

Blaine's Thanksgiving holiday isn't going so well. The night after leaving Kurt's apartment and the flight back home the next morning went in a kind of haze - he slept and then packed his bags and got himself to the airport, all the while not really thinking anything. In the plane he watched a movie without really seeing it and then, after landing, went to collect his luggage, because that's what you do when you step out of an airplane. He was shocked out of his trance only when his mother ran to him and hugged him tight, telling him how much she'd missed him. Then was the trip back home, his mom asking him all kinds of questions about Blaine's life, mostly about his studies, and Blaine was glad to avoid any discussion about Kurt or his love life. He didn't think he could do that right then.

And now he's sitting on the living room sofa, looking around the immaculately clean house that never truly felt like a home, and he's again reminded of how much he always has to work for his parents acceptance. The need to be valued and important and good enough is easier to forget when he's with his friends in New York, when he's with Kurt, who is grateful for his caring and help -_and don't go there yet, Blaine, now is not the time_ - but here, faced with his parents, all of his ways of trying to make then proud comes back. The white lies to make him look better in their eyes, the only telling of those parts of his life that he knows his parents will be impressed by, the acting of being happy and having no troubles in his life, the being oh so interested in their life and their work and the country club, it all comes back like another skin, and Blaine is almost scared by how unconscious and natural the change is.

It's suffocating. Sitting there with his parents, who keep telling him that they love him and have missed him, and then in the next moment remind him of how much they expect of him, to have good grades, to succeed, to make it big and famous, even though how many 'big and famous' photographers do they even know?

"We know you can make it, Blaine, you have always been so ambitious," his mother beams, and Blaine just smiles and nods and hates himself for how much he eats up the praise of his parents and how much it makes him want to work to be even better, so that they would continue to care for him. How much a few words are able to make him feel so important, until…

"Just remember that college grades are important and keep working hard, you don't want to cut any slack at this point, even if it seems there's a lot of time left," his father points out seriously, and Blaine nods again, and can't help but hear the echo of his father's drunken words from years ago, how_ they don't need a son like him if he can't do better_, and he wants to just run and hide. He wants to call Kurt and hear the voice of someone who cares and needs him, but then he remembers he can't do that either, and he just sucks a deep breath and pulls out the image of a perfect son again. He can do it for a week, after all he managed to do it daily for so many years, already.

Later that evening, when he lies in his old bed, watching the room that was always a little to neat just like the rest of the house, he finally lets his thoughts return to Kurt and yesterday evening. He still doesn't know what happened, but he can see the connection between how strange Kurt had acted during the days before, the small signs he kept seeing but didn't understand, and then the small but so significant incident after the photo shoot. And now, because Blaine hadn't confronted Kurt about it soon enough, it had all gone too far and he doesn't even know if it's all over or not. And he doesn't even know what the real problem is, even though he has a pretty strong hunch that it has to do with Kurt's hesitance to really let anyone in, and he hates the thought that after all this time Kurt still doesn't feel like he could confide in Blaine and talk about what is troubling him. Looking back now, he can see so clearly those moments, when Kurt's newfound confidence had only been an act - it wasn't always, just at some moments - even if he didn't want to see them then. After all, he is a master of hiding his problems from people, even if it's for completely different reasons. A con man can't totally fool another.

He feels so alone, and so helpless. There is nothing he can do but wait, to endure this week in their illusion of happy family, trying not to let the defence mechanisms and weaknesses of his old self get too much control over him while still protecting himself, until he can go back to New York again. There is nothing do but wait in regards to Kurt either, because he promised Kurt to let him run, and in his mind that means he needs to let Kurt have space and time, leaving him alone to figure things out. Hide if he wants to. The worst is that he feels it's partly his fault for not reading the signs better, for letting himself believe what he wanted to believe, that nothing is wrong and they are completely happy. But they had been, and he knew Kurt had been too, most of the time, because Blaine can still make a difference between faked and real happiness. But he should have known that a thorn in the flesh doesn't disappear by letting it be - even if he hadn't actually noticed how thick and how deep the thorn had been.

He also feels helpless, because he knows Kurt is probably feeling alone and hurt right now as well, and he has no way to help. The best he can do is not bother him at all, and that really isn't what Blaine wants. He curses himself for making the promise, but he also hates the fact that if he is really honest, he knows this is what Kurt needs. He doesn't need pressure from Blaine, because he obviously has something really hard to think through. Blaine just really hopes that Kurt is thinking about it and not pushing it away again. And he also really hopes that, when Kurt's done, Blaine will still have a part in his life. Kurt had promised to come back, and Blaine knows he can trust Kurt to keep the promise, but it was never a guarantee to return back to how they were. The promise is only to not leave without an explanation, or a goodbye.

/

A few days go by, and suddenly the Thanksgiving dinner is there. It's a controlled chaos of distant relatives, pretty clothes, polite conversation and excellent food. A night of acting for Blaine, as he is the golden boy, who has no imperfections. He had hoped his brother would be there, partly because Cooper was really good at stealing attention from him, which Blaine would have found a relief at the moment, and partly because he thinks Cooper could have maybe been the one person at home, who Blaine could have really talked with. But Cooper has another audition and there was just no way he could have left California for the holidays. His parents are so understanding, because Cooper is going to be successful actor, and even if he's not there quite yet, sacrificing things for making it big one day is something his parents have always understood. And that leaves Blaine alone to play the perfect son, answering the questions of relatives he hasn't heard of since last year, explaining over and over what he does in college and avoiding the questions of his love life.

For what it's worth, him being gay has never been the issue. Not for his parents and not for his relatives, or if it is, at least they aren't open or vocal about it. He tells a few insistent aunts that there is a guy but he doesn't know if it's going to last yet, and they seem to be satisfied with the answer. Blaine, on the other hand, feels mildly sick for saying that, because while it's technically true, it makes it look like he doesn't care about Kurt, and he does. He really does. And it might not last, because Kurt might decide he doesn't want to be with Blaine.

And suddenly he feels almost angry. Or scratch the almost. Feeling this bad, not knowing what to tell anyone about him and Kurt, because he doesn't even know what the answer is himself, not being able to do anything just left here to wait, and he needs Kurt too, he has his problems too and he wants to be able to tell Kurt and hear his reassurances, but now he doesn't have that, because Kurt sent him away and made him to wait without any explanations.

He excuses himself and goes upstairs, finding his phone and almost pressing call, before he stops himself. Kurt needs to come to him. And when he does, they need to talk and Kurt needs to be honest or it will really be over. He can't continue being in a relationship, if he can't trust what his boyfriend says he's feeling to be true. He doesn't want to just let Kurt do whatever, because it's not healthy, not for him and not for Kurt either. Kurt needs to come to him, and he needs to stop keeping Blaine out, if he wants to keep going, because even though losing Kurt sounds like the most painful kind of thing he can imagine, continuing this way means he never would really have Kurt either. He needs to stop trying to be anything and everything his loved ones want him to be, or at least what they seem to want of him to be happy, because he is a person too and he deserves to receive as much as he gives. If he is willing to be the perfect son, his parents should be working to be perfect parents as well. And if he is willing to trust his boyfriend completely, he wants the same trust and care back.

And it doesn't mean he wants to let go of Kurt. Or that he thinks Kurt has been evil or bad. He knows how Kurt is and he understands. But he also really doesn't want to keep doing this, keep compromising himself just to make others happy, especially because he's pretty sure that letting Kurt get away with his problems, whatever they are, is not going to make him happy in the long run. He's pretty sure it's only going to make things worse, not only for them as a couple, but for them both individually too. And, now that he has a plan, he feels more like himself again, and it's surprisingly easy to shut the thoughts up and fall asleep.

/

Early Sunday evening, just after he has gotten back to his dorm room, his phone rings. He looks at the screen and sees a photo of Kurt flash on the screen.

"Kurt?"

"Blaine…" he can hear how insecure Kurt is, his voice almost faltering, and Blaine almost, almost tells him everything is fine. But then he stops himself, because they're not, not yet. "Can we… can we meet?"

"To talk?" Blaine asks, pushing down the desire to let all of the problems go and just tell Kurt he wants to kiss him and forget it all.

"To talk.." Kurt confirms, still breathing a little irregularly.

"Ok. Can you come to my dorm?" he asks, and his voice softens a bit. It's still Kurt and he still cares about him so much.

"Yeah.. I can come. I'll be there soon."

* * *

**A/N: **So that just happened. This chapter was like super hard to write, mostly because it was so important. And I'm fairly sure the next one will not be any easier or any less crucial. I really hope this chapter did what it was supposed to, and shed some light on what is really going on and how the boys are next one will hopefully do that even more.

Also, Blaine's family life saddens me, but it's really not anything super severe or exceptional.. It's just something that quite a lot of kids have to deal with, based on my experiences... Maybe Blaine's reaction to it is a tad strong, but some kids/teens are just more tender to stuff like this. If you have opinions, you are welcome to discuss them with me whenever.


	16. 046-048

**Author's note: **I heard today that I will have to have a surgery and they will probably have to remove my other ovary.. It's nothing dangerous or big, but it made me pretty emotional anyway. I wrote the last part of this right after, so if it seems silly or too emotional, well, that's the reason. I kinda needed it, for myself. I hope you'll like it too.

Thank you guys for all the reviews and for reading this. I'm just honestly thankful I have some people to write this story to.

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything. Just playin' mah games..

* * *

**046 - Facing fears**

Kurt feels like he really has no idea what he's even doing, as he stands behind Blaine's door and tries to find the nerve to knock. After the phone call with his dad on Thanksgiving, Kurt has spent a lot of time really thinking. He has tried to look past all the pain and hurt and fear and what other emotions the memories bring, and really see what is going on. What is beneath all this? Trying to figure out how much he still has to go, before he can really live and not just exist. Thinking, what it would mean if he went back to Blaine now, and how far he would really be willing to go, how much he is ready for? He's had some big revelations, but he still has no clue what is going to happen after he enters that door. He has no idea what the outcome will be. And that scares the shit out of him. But he takes in a deep breath and then knocks, because he promised this to Blaine and to himself. _If I ever run away, I will always come back. _This is him coming back. It takes just a few seconds and then Blaine's there.

"Hi," Kurt says with a tiny wave and even smaller smile. Blaine's answer is almost identical, as he opens the door and beckons him in. At first he stands in the middle of the room, taking in the room where nothing has changed at all, and it seems so hard to believe that it was only six days ago that he had last seen Blaine. It seemed like so much had happened, that it had to be weeks, months even. But it's just been six, short days. He doesn't know if that's enough time for anything to change that much. He's so afraid it hasn't been enough.

Blaine isn't looking that good, either, with messy hair and rings under his eyes, hands wrapped around his torso as if he's unsure of this all as well. It makes him feel almost sure that everything is already over. Then he looks up at Blaine's eyes again, and he sees the hidden yearning behind his careful look, and that makes him need just a tiny bit of confirmation before they talk, so that he can believe it's not yet over. He takes a small step closer to Blaine and raises his hands in an unsure gesture for a hug.

"Please?" he asks, and Blaine's eyes soften with affection as he wraps him in his arms. The feeling of rightness that comes with the hug is almost overwhelming, because he has been thinking things over and over and doubting everything, including Blaine's feelings as well as his own, so much that he had almost forgotten what it feels like to be in Blaine's arms and feel his heartbeat. And it feels so simple, so easily good, so safe and warm, even in this situation, when everything is so unsure and open. It makes him feel just a tiny bit better about this, hope even against his better judgement. Then Blaine pulls away slowly and brings them both over to sit on his bed. After a brief silence of looking everywhere else but each other, Blaine finally starts.

"Can you just please tell me what happened?" Blaine's voice is sad and it makes Kurt feel even worse of everything he's done. His father's voice echoes in his head, telling him how much he has been hurting Blaine by not telling him things.

"I guess that whole photo shoot just pushed me in the wrong way, I don't even know. I didn't feel that brave and it made me think about all the bad stuff in school and how I never fought back, and I was so afraid of losing control, and I - It was so stupid! I just felt desperate, and so useless, and I thought maybe if I could do that, have s-sex with you, then at least I could control that, and give you something you wanted…"

"Kurt…" Blaine's voice is pained, and almost angry. "What are you even saying?" It makes Kurt take in a sharp breath, feeling so afraid of what will have to come next. The whole story. He's so not ready for this, but he knows he won't ever be, and he owes Blaine the truth, no matter how it will make Blaine react and what will happen to them.

"Please, Blaine… I think - I think there's a lot I need to tell you. I've been.. hiding things from you, I guess." Blaine's eyes flash with hurt at that, and Kurt doesn't know how he is ever going to be able to say this right. It's already going so wrong. "I was hiding it from me, too, thinking it would all go away if I pretended it wasn't there in the first place. But it didn't work out."

"Why didn't you just talk to me?" Still, the hurt. Kurt's eyes are glued in his hands.

"I guess that's part of it… I was so afraid to talk to you, because I wanted to be with you and I knew you would realise one day that I wasn't good enough for you, and if I let you know every insecurity, every stupid flaw in me, then that day would just come so much sooner…"

"Kurt.. What are you even talking about? How could you think that?" Accusation. Confusion.

"I haven't told you that much about my past, but I don't have such a good track record with trusting people." Then Kurt pushes on to his monologue, the same one he had in his head while talking to his dad, explaining how each people he trusted ended up hurting him in some way or another, his mother's death, Jacob's betrayal, his teachers' unwillingness to help, his show choir 'friends' leaving him, the entire school taunting him while his step-brother looked the other way, the not having any friends, the hiding in libraries, in music and books, the not daring to trust any person enough to even talk to them, let alone get to know them. It takes a long time to tell. But this is the easy part, even if it already feels like the hardest thing he's ever done, laying his history in someone else's hand like this. This is the part that explains why he was like he was when Blaine met him, but it doesn't justify anything that came afterwards. He doesn't even know when he has last talked this much about himself - or anything - to anyone.

Somewhere along this story Blaine has put his arm around Kurt's waist, caressing his side slowly, trying to offer comfort. But Kurt knows it's not going to last, because he hasn't answered the real question yet. It feels impossible to confess all that he really had done, how he had pretended and pushed and even lied… He'd told his father, and in some extent to Aino, but telling it to Blaine is another deal completely. But he remembers how his father told him to _face his fears dead on_, and how _this way you are only hurting yourself and him_, and so he just takes what feels like the biggest leap to all that he has ever feared, and tells Blaine everything.

He tells about how little he thinks of himself, how ugly and stupid and worthless he feels himself, and how he never really believed that Blaine could like him. And how, when they had become boyfriends, he had been so scared, because he didn't know what was going to happen, what was expected of him, and so afraid to lose the relationship they had. How afraid he was to disappoint Blaine, not being good enough for him. How he had resolved to try to push himself to be the boyfriend Blaine deserved and tried to get over his fears, but how that had sometimes made him push just a little too far. How he had pretended that his small freak outs or insecurities or fears were nothing in front of Blaine, because he was so afraid to let Blaine know about how damaged goods he really is, afraid that Blaine would leave him and how much that would hurt. How afraid he still is to be vulnerable in front of people, even Blaine. In the end he tells Blaine about the conversation about his dad, and how he figured out that his problem to let anybody completely in is still there, affecting him, even though he didn't realise it fully.

It takes a lot of time to get all of it out, and Kurt falls into some sort of trance, not even fully aware of Blaine being there in the end. He talks to his hands, staring at them in his lap, lost in his own mind and just trying to get it all out in words. At some point Blaine's hand had disappeared from his waist, and Kurt hadn't even registered that, but then he finally comes to a stop, not knowing what else to say, and the absence of the warmth is suddenly glaringly obvious. He turns to look at Blaine, and he almost recoils at the look of betrayal and hurt on Blaine's face.

"I cared about you so much, Kurt, I did everything I could to make you feel comfortable and not push you to do anything you weren't ready for, I really tried my best to always be there for you, Kurt, and you still never trusted me? Never believed I wouldn't hurt you?" Blaine's voice is so betrayed and _God, it's all going so wrong. _

"Blaine, no! I know you wouldn't hurt me, and you really were perfect, you did everything to help me and be there for me, and you don't even know how much I appreciated it all, but I just…"

"No, you're right, I _don't _know, because you didn't tell me! What did I do so wrong that you couldn't trust me with your feelings?"

"Blaine,no… It was all me, and if there is anyone I could imagine trusting completely, it's you. And I honestly believed I was over my fears of trust with you, I believed I was doing the right thing." He is pleading for Blaine to understand.

"And the 'right thing' was to lie to me?"

"I didn't think I was lying… I thought I was making myself better, getting over the fears." His voice is small now, and he suspects this is going to be it. No more Blaine-my-boyfriend after this. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. So sorry I hurt you like this. I didn't mean to, I swear. You are such a wonderful person, so good for me, and I really care about you." They are both silent after that, and the intensity goes down a notch, but the atmosphere is still not that good.

"You know, I did see signs that something wasn't quite right, that something was off with you at moments, but I didn't realise it was this big of an issue before Monday. You hid it well. But you were my boyfriend, and I trusted you, and now I don't know how I can trust that what you tell me you feel is real. How can I be there for you, if you don't let me in?" The past tense strikes Kurt really bad.

"Were? Boyfriends…"

"Were? Are? I don't know?" A tear escapes Kurt's eye and he hates it for betraying him now. He doesn't need to be weak now. Then Blaine turns to look him in the eye, and the anger is gone, instead his eyes are so intense, filled with sincerity and searching. "Kurt, I really do care about you. I know you didn't mean it, I know life's been hard for you and it's your natural instinct to hide from people. I accepted it when I started this with you, and I told you it doesn't matter. You are a wonderful guy beneath all your layers, if you just let people see you, and I really like what I see there. You are worth so much, Kurt, and I really don't want to let go of you. And I don't care how slow or fast we go with anything, or how public we are with our relationship, the only thing I really want is for us both to be comfortable and enjoy being together, us being there for each other, letting each other in. That's all I wanted, not any perfect boyfriend you made in your head. But I don't know, if you are ready for it, anymore. Because I can see you are still so afraid,even now, and I just can't do this, if it means I have to fear that I will accidentally end up hurting you, because you won't tell me when things are wrong. I need you to be able to trust me like I trust you, but now I don't know if you really can. And I'm not saying this because I'm angry, or want to hurt you, but because I really can't stand the thought of hurting you, or me for that matter, and if this relationship is only going to be bad for you, then I don't want to do it, not for you and not for me."

Kurt thinks it through, and he can understand, but there is also one more thing Blaine really needs to know, before he calls it over.

"If you feel like you can't do it, I understand. But, Blaine, my dad told me that whatever I do, I can't run from my problems forever. I spent a lot of time thinking about that, and I agree. I don't want to kneel in front of my fears again. And you make me want to face my fears, and though I know it's going to be so hard, I really want to change, with you or without you, but preferably with you. I want to learn to trust again, and I want to learn to let people in, because that's called living. And I do believe I could do that with you. Because I do know that you would never intentionally hurt me. You are so wonderful, Blaine, you mean so much to me. And I would want to do it, no matter how hard it would be, for you, because getting to have this with you feels so worth everything I would have to do to have it."

* * *

**047 - It's enough**

Blaine listens, as Kurt tells how he has decided he wants to fight his fears and get over them, how he believes he can do it and be with Blaine, and he can't help but believe that what Kurt is saying is true. He did say before that he didn't know how he could trust Kurt's feelings to be true, but he sees something new in Kurt's eyes, a new kind of confidence and determination, even if the fear is still very much there, and he knows this is more than just desperation and fear of being left alone. But he is still angry, and there are stuff they need to get clear, before he can promise Kurt anything, because he is done with repeating his own mistakes, and things really need to change if they are going to continue together.

"Ok," he says, when Kurt is finished, trying to read Kurt's eyes. Kurt is looking back, and for once, he is letting his own feelings all show in his face, letting all the walls fall. And Blaine is hit with the idea, that this Kurt in front of him, how he is right now, is Kurt being more vulnerable than he has ever been, and he can see the plead in Kurt's eyes to _please not hurt him now_. Even if he is still angry, he can see that in this moment Kurt is giving it all to him, all of those things that he has been too afraid to give before, and Blaine can see that it's just as terrifying to Kurt now as it has been before, but he has chosen to have this conversation anyway, and it means a lot.

"Ok?" Kurt swallows. Kurt looks so, so scared, and it pains Blaine to know that it's because of him. _But he chose to tell me anyway. _The thought is like a lifeline in this, giving him hope that what they had, or thought they could have, can still be saved.

"Well, maybe not ok, but I understand what you say. It means a lot, that you told me everything today, because I know it must've been hard for you. And I believe that you want to try. But I need you to understand my side of the story too, because I need you just as much as you need me, I need you to be there for me too." Blaine is holding Kurt's eyes, and he can see that Kurt is genuinely listening, that he really wants to know. "I don't think you understand how much it hurt me, when I could see something was wrong with you, that something was hurting you, but you wouldn't tell me. I know it was all new and I didn't want to push, but it was really painful to see you hiding things from me, even when it was still just little things. And how you jumped away from me when I kissed you, after the last photo shoot - you never explained that?"

He sees Kurt look down again, clearly uncomfortable hearing what Blaine is saying, but Blaine doesn't know what, exactly, is making this hard for Kurt. "Oh. I - It was the blindfold, and.. and the whole concept was bringing me some bad memories, and I couldn't see you, so I panicked, even though I knew it was you. "

"I'm sorry, that I didn't notice, I really am. But, Kurt, it hurts me that you wouldn't tell me. I just saw you jumping away from me, so clearly afraid, and I had no idea what it was for, because you didn't tell me. You just told me some lie we both knew I wouldn't believe."

Kurt looks up, guilt and sorrow clear in his eyes. "I'm so sorry I lied, Blaine, I -"

"I know, Kurt. And it's ok now. But I can't handle that anymore. And on Monday, _God_, that was the worst I've ever felt, Kurt, because I saw you were hurting and I know it was because of what happened on the sofa, but it was you who started it, and pushed for it, and I had no idea what to do or feel. I didn't understand what was going on and you didn't tell me anything, and I couldn't even talk to you because you sent me away. And yes, I know I promised you, and that's why I left and didn't contact you, and I don't regret that. But I felt so helpless, and so alone, because you had shut me out and left me with no way to help you.

"And I _wanted_ to help you, Kurt, I always want to be there for you, because I care about you and I hurt when you are hurting. And you can't understand how bad it felt, that I had ended up hurting you, because you hadn't told me something that I should have known. Now I know you did it, because you wanted to be a 'good boyfriend' for me, or whatever, but that's even worse. I don't want to be a tool for you to hurt yourself, and I really don't want anything from you that doesn't make you feel equally good. And you took the chance to decide from me, chance to say what I want from you, when you started acting out something that you thought I wanted, without asking me or telling me. You know, Kurt, I would have been happy with anything, with just hand holding and chaste kisses in private, as long as it was something that made you happy and comfortable, too."

That's when Blaine hears a broken sob from Kurt, a sob that Kurt is instantly trying to stop and push away. "_Blaine_.. I really didn't see that, I didn't think about your feelings at all, and I really should have, I'm so stupid-"

"No, Kurt, you were scared, not stupid. But you need to know my side of this story." Kurt nods shakily, allowing him to continue. "So, I know I told you earlier that my relationship with my family is not so easy. And on Tuesday, after all the stuff that happened, I had to go home and face the me that I have tried to leave behind as much as possible. It's never very easy to go back there, because all of my own insecurities come back faster than I can even realise, when I'm with my parents, and I felt like I would have really needed your support then, telling me that at least someone appreciates me, whether I succeed in things or not. And I realised that just like I want to be there for you, I really need you too. It's not a one way thing. I'm not as confident as I maybe look like, and it means so much to me, when you let me be with you and you show me that you want to be there, and that you like the person who I am inside. And my first instinct was to call you, and when I couldn't, it was hard-"

"Blaine, I'm-"

"Kurt, no, you don't need to apologise for that. It was something we both needed, really, and it was what I promised to you, and I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or bad. I just want you to know, that you are important to me too, and it's kind of sad that you would just think that I would some day get bored of you, because I figured out that you had too much baggage, or whatever it is you fear that I will see. Because, believe me, I know that you haven't had such an easy life, and I know it still shows in a lot of things you do and feel, but it doesn't make me want to dump you and run away - do you really think I'm the kind of person who just leaves, when things get a little complicated? When I see that you are hurt by something, it makes me want to help you and support you, just like I need your help too, but I need you to trust me and be honest with me to do that. Otherwise I will just end up hurting you. "

And suddenly Kurt is almost on him, pulling Blaine tight into his arms, pressing his face in Blaine's neck, and Blaine feels a slight wetness on his skin. "Blaine, oh, I really want to be there for you, too. I should have realised- I've been so stupid, and scared, and I still am, but if you still want me, I want to do my best to change things, change myself and try to be brave for you." Kurt pulls away enough to look Blaine in the eyes, and they are pleading, but for what, Blaine's not sure. They are also brimmed with affection. "Not- not like I was when I tried to just push all the stuff away, but brave enough to fight them, like that photo shoot we did. It made me think that I can't be brave like that, when we did it, but now I want to be. You make me want to be the best I can, and I tried it the wrong way before, but I want to try it the right way now."

Blaine's heart clenches with the realisation, just how much he really cares for this boy in his arms. The boy who used to fear his own shadow, but now is there, holding him in his arms and crying for Blaine's pain. The boy who didn't even dare to speak to Blaine for weeks, but now is laying his whole being in Blaine's hands, even though it gives Blaine the chance to totally break him. The boy who has already gotten so far from what he used to be, and who now says he wants to go all the way no matter how terrifying it is for him, because he thinks Blaine is worth it. The boy with the most beautiful blue-green eyes, who has the ability to be more real and beautiful than any other person Blaine knows, when he lets his walls come down. His Night sky, his strange planet to carefully explore and figure out.

And he knows it's not over yet, he knows there is still so much they need to talk through and figure out and get over, because this talk has only been the very beginning. But he also knows that he really wants to keep Kurt in his arms like this, and do his very best to face things together with Kurt. Because no matter how hard it will be, as long as they are both really doing their all to change and to trust and to care for each other, Kurt is worth is as well.

So he pulls Kurt to a kiss, and it's so full of promises and affection and the need to do better, be better, that it makes him really believe, for the first time after Monday, that they can do this. That, if they really want it, they can get over whatever has happened and will happen, to find each other on the other side as well. He tightens his arms around Kurt's back and lets his palms caress the muscles slowly, feeling Kurt's arms lock around his neck and his fingers pushing into his hair. And things are not yet ok, but it's a start, a good start towards ok.

"I am so sorry, Blaine, for everything-" Kurt starts as they pull away for a breath, but Blaine stops him with a finger on his lips.

"No more apologies today, ok?,Night sky. There is still a lot to we haven't talked about, but let's just focus on changing what we can change, now." He sees Kurt's eyes warming instantly, to the point of overflowing, when Blaine uses the nickname, and it feels enough, for tonight. They are sitting, Kurt almost on Blaine's lap, on the edge of Blaine's dorm bed, on the edge of their old relationship and the new one that's going to start, and it feels enough.

* * *

**048 - Not a child's play**

They kiss for a while and then stay holding each other close for a while, just feeling the way their bodies connect and how natural that feels. Kurt is still feeling the remains of the fear he's felt during this whole conversation, the adrenalin still running in his veins. He's never been this defenceless in front of anyone, except maybe his father, and he had been so sure that Blaine would say no, and that it would be over, that Blaine would push him away and he would be faced with the rejection he has always been so afraid of. But now Blaine's heard a lot of the worst sides of Kurt, of his history and how he is now, he's heard all the lies Kurt told Blaine, all the ways he had hurt Blaine, no matter how unintentionally, and he's still there, kissing him and hugging him close. It's almost too much, because Kurt's instincts still tell him that it's not safe and he needs to escape and protect himself before it's too late, but Blaine's arms are tight and warm and so, so perfect around him that he can't move. He just lets himself relax in them, thinking that this is really the way he should have tried to be brave from the start, give himself up to Blaine and trust him to take care of him, not sexually or physically, but emotionally. That the kind of brave his dad meant is this, giving somebody the possibility to hurt him, in exchange for giving them the chance to know and care for the real him. No pretences.

He feels Blaine pull him down to lie next to him on the bed, and he freezes just for a second before relaxing into it. It's not because he's scared or uncomfortable, it's just that everything feels so raw, everything gets to him so strong at this moment. For the first time he's truly open with Blaine, with anyone, and everything feels heightened, multiplied. Everything is huge. But of course Blaine doesn't see it like that. He pulls away and looks at Kurt, face both worried and suspicious.

"If you are feeling scared, why didn't you say anything?"

Kurt's eyes widen. _No, that's not it, at all. _"I'm not scared. Or uncomfortable. Or anything. I want to be here and it feels good." He snuggles back to Blaine but he pushes him back to see Kurt's eyes.

"Are you sure? You suddenly just went tense." It's a subtle accusation, masked with worry.

"Yes, I'm sure." Blaine sceptical look doesn't change. Kurt wants to be patient, because he knows this is his fault, he had been acting before and of course Blaine will be unsure and suspicious. Blaine's hurt is not going to just magically go away, but Kurt just wants to be with Blaine for this one moment, and start what he promised he would. Be open. Because he really is not lying and why can't Blaine just see that? "Look," his voice turns pleading, "that whole talk with you, while necessary and a really good thing, wasn't that easy for me, and I was scared as hell to let you know all that stuff, and I'm still pretty overwhelmed. But I'm not trying to hide anything, because there is nothing to hide. I tensed, because it was a surprise move. A really nice move, just a surprise." Blaine's look softens a bit, but the suspicion is not gone yet.

"I promised you, not half an hour ago, that I would do my best to open myself for you and not keep making the same mistakes. And I mean to keep that promise. I can't promise you that I won't ever slip up or struggle, but I'm not going to just give up _immediately_. I really did think this through, and when I decided that I wanted to try to change, I meant it. It's not just some desperate idea." Blaine smiles at him, a small but still tender smile, and let's out a silent "Okay." Kurt lets out a relieved breath. He knows it is going to be like this, that there will be a lot to do before they will get over what happened, but at least they have passed the first test.

"I'm pretty sure there will be moments when I'm going to feel uncomfortable, or scared, or whatever, but I will tell you. I know it's my fault you can't trust me yet and feel the need to check, but please, I will tell you." Blaine let's out a sigh and pulls Kurt back against his chest.

"It's just not that easy. I'm still pretty upset." Blaine's voice is small.

"I know, Blaine. And I'd say I'm sorry but you forbid me to say it." Blaine let's out a small chuckle at that and they fall into silence again, just holding each other, thinking their own thoughts. Kurt thinks how nice this is. The bed cover is soft beneath his face, Blaine's body warm against his, his back muscles firm against his palms, and when he closes his eyes, he can concentrate on the pure feel of the moment. It feels safe. That thought almost shocks him, because this day has truly been one of the hardest he's ever had, and he did something he never thought he would be brave enough to do, and now, here he is, laying in the arms of this gorgeous boy without a single worry in his head. It's like, by letting all of the fears out, all his fears and doubts have become mute, with no words and no sounds in his head. He knows it's only temporary, and that they will be whispering to him again in no time, but this short moment of silence after the whirlwind is nice. It's a good feeling to know that they can be silenced.

They don't talk much more that night. They just lie there for a while more and then get up to say goodnight. It's been a long night and they both feel tired. They hug in front of the door and Blaine pulls him for one last brief kiss. Then he pulls back, his hands still around Kurt's waist, to look at him properly.

"I know, with all this going on, this is pretty out of place, but we really need to do more photo shoots soon. My project deadline is close and I still need one or two more, at the very least." His tone is a bit apologetic.

"Yeah, I thought about that, too. And I think it's good, we have something to do besides just talking," Kurt smiles a little teasingly, before the smile turns soft and tender. "The project is one of the best things about this semester. It means so much to me and that hasn't changed in any way."

"Good," Blaine smiles back.

/

It takes just three days to make the next photo shoot happen. Instead of talking about the serious things, they just concentrate on planning the shoot. It's almost as if they have gone back to the time before they became a couple, but it doesn't feel like pushing the problems away or denying their relationship. It just feels like a short interlude, a small intermission between acts, and they really need it. It's a time for them to just reconnect, letting the problems rest for a while, before they are ready to tackle them again. So instead they plan the photo and have some simple, uncomplicated fun figuring it all out.

It's a simple, fun piece, with no bad memories or serious wishes - just a silly little dream, almost like a story, that Kurt had written in his book before his mother's death, with bright colours and shaky handwriting. '_I want my fairy god mother to come and tell me I'm a lost prince and then she brings me to a big castle and I have tea parties with the other princes and princesses and they all love me'_, it says. So they find a small playground reasonably near the school, where there is a castle themed climbing frame, and it seems perfect for the shot. Aino, Zach and Rachel all agree to help; Zach even skips a lecture to join them, because "Who would choose lecture hall before a tea party in a castle?" That's how Wednesday morning finds them at the playground, portable chairs and a table covered with an exaggeratingly fancy silk table cloth, set with the most royal-like fake china tea set they could find among the props of the theatre department.

Kurt and Zach are dressed in so cliché Disney prince costumes that even Kurt can't take them seriously. Rachel and Aino's dresses are not far behind, overflowing with tulle and striking colours. Rachel's is pink and Aino's blue and white (which she chose because it reminds her of home, she said). Zach has a fake sword and keeps attacking them with it, snickering all the time, whereas Rachel whirls around in her dress and makes all the grand royal gestures with her hands, completely serious about owning her role as a princess, because 'there are no roles that should be taken lightly'. Aino is looking way too calm for the scene, just standing there and observing the other's antics with a small, amused smile on her face, in her extravagant princess dress and plastic crown. Blaine is putting up the settings in his camera and Kurt just laughs at the whole scene, feeling light and happy, and so strangely free with his silly new friends. He even let's go and takes his own fake sword in his hand, fighting back when Zach comes to challenge him to a duel. It's just a few hits before he goes back to observing, but it's more silly and spontaneous and lighthearted than anything he has done in a long time, and he almost isn't able to connect this guy with _him_, because seriously, would the Kurt he knows have a random sword fight on a playground?

When Blaine is ready with his camera, they start with the posing. They've set the table under the climbing frame, over the sand, the fake castle walls surrounding them on two sides. Sun is shining brightly, gleaming from the porcelain tea sit on three sides of the table, hold empty tea cups with pinkies elegantly up and jovial smiles directed to each other, nodding and laughing like they are having the most delightful, yet elegant conversation. It's hard to keep from losing the act, when some small kids that have come to the playground with their mommies, come watch the scene with open mouths and awe in their wide eyes. It seems the costumes are not at all a cliché for them, instead just giving them a completely believable illusion of their favourite fairy tales come to life. Rachel preens at one girl who whispers to her mother "Is she a _real _princess?", as if it's a compliment to her acting skills.

When Blaine declares he's finished, about twenty minutes later, they start to collect all the stuff away. One of the girls walks shyly closer to Kurt, who turns around and crouches down, when he notices the small girl tugging his pant leg.

"You're pretty," she says seriously, staring into Kurt's eyes like he's the most wondrous creature she's ever seen.

"Aw, thank you," Kurt smiles at her widely, feeling like that's the most perfect compliment he has ever gotten. He can't help the laugh that bubbles out,because the whole scene, the ridiculous outfits, the bright sun shining from a cloudless sky, this small girl's simple wonder, it's all just so breathtakingly _easy_ and simple and fun. He knows it's just a moment, and there is a lot of hard things left for him to go through, but it's a glimpse of what it could be to really live instead of just existing, enjoying every moment life brings. It's beautiful.

They bring all the stuff they have borrowed back to the drama department, and then depart to go home or to classes or, in Kurt and Blaine's case, to have some coffee before their afternoon lectures. Before they get around the corner,though, Kurt notices Zach and Aino walking away side by side, laughing at something, clearly going somewhere together. Kurt points it out to Blaine, who raises his eyebrows in surprise.

"When did that happen?"

"I don't know, but they seem happy. It's nice," he sighs happily and puts his hand in Blaine's. He knows, by some unspoken agreement, that their little interlude is over now that the photo shoot is done, but he thinks he is actually ready for it, he wants to talk about the hard things, even, so that one day this can be his everyday life. It's something worth working for.

* * *

**A/N: **So, there was some angst and then some surprise sugary fluff. The emotions went kinda all over, but I hope it still felt believable and that you enjoyed reading. Until next week!


	17. 049-051

**Author's note: **111 reviews! ! ! ! Take a few more: ! ! ! ! ! You guys are awesome! :)

This chapter is slightly shorter than some of the previous ones, mostly because of my lack of motivation to write this week. I feel like the quality of writing in this is not really up to bar either, but I wanted to keep up the schedule, so this is what I have for you now. Hopefully you'll still enjoy it. :)

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing. Not Glee, not the characters, or anything else you can think of.

* * *

**049 - Change of perspective**

"Not the best day?" Zach asks Blaine with a light but friendly tone, when Blaine stumbles in their room after classes on late Thursday afternoon and falls exaggeratingly on his face on the bed, making a show of how tired he is. Blaine mumbles in the bed cover.

"I didn't quite catch that," Zach answers joyfully.

"I said, I just wanna sleep," Blaine raises his head and looks at Zach reproachfully.

"So, what's really going on with you and Kurt? Did you talk yesterday?" Zach asks, ignoring Blaine's verbal and nonverbal cues completely. Blaine huffs out and sits up, looking resigned. He had called Zach after Thanksgiving, feeling alone and confused and just needing to talk to someone. But after his and Kurt's big talk on Sunday, he hadn't had the chance to explain the rest to Zach fully, so he had just given him a really brief sum-up and told him they would have another talk after the photo shoot and maybe after that Blaine could talk to Zach and make some sense of what's going on in his head. Apparently Zach has decided the moment for that has come.

"Yeah, we talked." he sighs.

"And?"

"And, there a lot of stuff going on in my head and it's kind of confusing to be honest."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?" So Blaine does. He gives Zach a longer version of the talk they had on Sunday, about Kurt's insecurities and Blaine's hurt feelings and about Kurt's willingness to work this through and Blaine's realisation that he really wants to keep Kurt if there is any way he can, and the ending of holding each other in their arms, just trying to find some confirmation that there was still hope for them, even though things weren't that simple and over yet. Then he tells Zach how they have been kind of forgetting the whole existence of the problem or even their relationship, just acting as friends for a few days. They hadn't said anything out loud, but it had felt like a mutual agreement. It helped both to get the photo shoot out of the way without any more fights and hurt feelings and also to give them a needed break from the angst to just reaffirm that they were still good for each other in every way, that they still had the same connection. That had lasted until yesterday after the photo shoot, when they had gone to Kurt's place and had another really draining but undoubtedly crucial talk.

/

_"So, yeah.. Um, do you want something? A drink?" Kurt asks, twisting his hands nervously and not quite looking into Blaine's eyes. Blaine feels just as awkward, but doesn't want to show it, because it won't be of any help._

_"No, I'm fine. Just… let's just sit. There are things we still need to talk about, and I'm pretty sure we both know that, so maybe we could just.. go with that?" Blaine looks at Kurt and offers a small smile for some both sit down on the couch and Blaine takes Kurt's hand, to ground them both a little._

_"So, the talk on Sunday was pretty big," Blaine starts, "and left us quite a lot to think about. And I think I do understand, in some ways, why you would have lied to me about those things. This relationship is still very new and I never expected you to trust me completely and with everything, and with your past I can see why trusting people with your vulnerable sides would be pretty hard, even if you really do think I'm a trustworthy guy. It doesn't make it ok, but I can kinda get your viewpoint, even if the way you went about it was pretty much the worst. I guess what I'm trying to say is that what happened before is not going to be a thing that ruins this for us. But it can't happen again, ok?" Blaine looks into Kurt's eyes, trying to be both firm and reassuring, just hoping the message gets across._

_/_

"I'm pretty impressed by your ability to understand and forgive, to be honest," Zach admits. "I don't know if I could have seen through my own hurt that easily."

"Yeah, well…" Blaine rubs his neck awkwardly," I guess that's also to do with me. I know what it feels like to keep up an act for people because of the fear of being rejected. I can't help but to understand that, even if being on the other side hurts and his fear feels unjustified. I'm not going to be like my parents and dismiss his feelings when he actually broke down his protective walls and showed his fears to me. God knows, I haven't ever been brave enough to do that with my parents."

"That _was_ pretty brave of him, when you think about it." Zach says, with obvious affection in his eyes. Apparently Kurt has gotten under Zach skin too, like everyone that have been hurt and rouse his protective instincts.

/

_Kurt leans down against Blaine, obviously relieved by Blaine's words, like they were soothing some unpronounced fear he had been harboring. Which was probably true. He lets Kurt collect his thoughts for a while, and then turns to him when he sits up and looks at Blaine, with a new kind of determined seriousness._

_"There is something I have really wanted to talk to you as well," he blushes and turns his head down, and Blaine knows this is going to be important. "It's just.. well, one of the things that made me want to lie and push for the.. the sexual stuff, was.. well, when we saw that Sebastian guy and…" Kurt's keeps twisting around as he finally falters and trails off. Blaine can practically feel this new piece settling to it's place in the puzzle. _Of course_ Sebastian is a part of this, and he should never have let the subject go without addressing it in the first place. He should have known better, when Kurt never spoke about it again._

_"What about Sebastian, Kurt?" he asks, trying to encourage._

_"Well, it's not really him, you know, or, I guess I was jealous of him and what he had had with you, but… mostly it just made me realise that I was still so horribly unexperienced and scared by the whole concept of intimacy or.. _you know_.. and you had all ready done it all and it was something natural and expected for you.. And it made me feel so.. inadequate, I guess, and like such a little child compared to you. And I didn't want that, and it made me really afraid that I would lose you. And I know now I should have just told you instead of pushing to be something that I wasn't ready for yet, but I think… back then the thing between us had _just_ happened, we had _just _agreed to be boyfriends, and I'm pretty sure I would never have had the courage to really tell you in that moment. So I think it was doing this or running away, then…"_

_/_

"You never told me, that Kurt met your ex," Zach says, half accusingly. "Why didn't you talk to him about it? You must have known it's not such an easy topic for him that he would sincerely just forget it."

"Yeah, I know," Blaine says, a little annoyed for Zach's accusation. "I know it was stupid of me to just let it go, but also, like you pointed out to me a long time ago, I'm not supposed to be his guidance counselor or therapist, so I think I should also be allowed to expect that he would come to talk to me when he feels bad about something. And he hid his real feelings pretty damn well, mind you." Zach grimaces at that.

"Yeah, sorry, you're right. You wanted to give him time to come to you on his own terms, and I get that. Sorry, sometimes I just think about him and think how much he's been through and I just want to protect him from everything. Maybe I should be his guidance counselor instead?" Zach chuckles at himself. "But I know it doesn't help him to get on with his life. He needs to find the courage in himself. But don't you think he already has taken a big step to that direction?"

"Yeah, I think he has," Blaine says and can't help the little smile that comes with the thought.

/

_"Ok, I get that, and I don't blame you for feeling insecure in that situation. It just really frightens me that you could push yourself to do stuff you weren't ready for, you almost had sex with me because you wanted to be in control and felt desperate, instead of telling me what was wrong. You did things with me because you feared rejection and feared that I would hurt you emotionally, and then I ended up hurting you anyway." Kurt pulls away a little, looking ashamed and guilty, eyes glistening suspiciously._

_"Ok, none of that now. I'm not saying this to blame you anymore, I think we got over that on Sunday. But I really _need_ to know that you are comfortable with everything we ever do, from now on, even if it's just handholding or kissing or I need to know that what ever you choose to do with me, you do it because you seriously want it, for you, because it feels good for you, and not because you want to please me or for any other possible reason you might have." Blaine puts his hand under Kurt's chin and raises his head to meet and hold his eyes._

_"And now, this is something you really need to know, and understand. You have this idea that I'm this superconfident and experienced guy who has had lots of partners and sex, but that is not true, Kurt. It's not true. Yeah, I've done things with some guys, but not everything, not so many times and it's only ever been three different boys. Out of which I regret Sebastian the most, just so you know." He sees Kurt take in a stuttering breath, looking surprised and like he doesn't know what to think. "I might be confident and outgoing person, but it doesn't mean I'm so super far ahead of you in this department. So, to repeat what I've told you many times already, I am _fine _with whatever pace we move on. I don't mind waiting, and it might be that I'm not even ready for everything you ever think of that? That I might not be ready?" Blaine's voice is almost pleading now, to get through to Kurt and make him understand and believe what he's won't allow Kurt to not understand this anymore._

_/_

"How did he react to that?" Zach asks, really curious now.

"Oh, he was pretty overwhelmed by it all. I think he had stuck it in his head pretty bad, that I was this perfect sex god, who knew everything and was used to getting everything. I had really never thought about how he sees me in that way, so it kind of really took me by surprise, but it also makes a lot of sense, when you think about the stuff that happened earlier. I just really hope he gets it now, gets me. I don't even know, my head says I should be offended and I kind of want to be, I think I easily could be, that he would just assume stuff like that of me. But I guess it's really just his insecurities talking, and I don't even know, I don't _want _to be angry at him. I just want to change this stuff now and be with him for real, try being with him when we both see the real person beside us and not just what we made the other to be in our heads."

"So you think this has changed how you see Kurt, as well?"

"Yeah. I think it's opened my eyes to really see, how deep his insecurities and distrust of himself goes. I mean, I knew it was there, but I didn't take the time to really understand all the ways it affects his life. And after yesterday, I kinda expected that it would make me second guess my being in a relationship with him, I today I just waited for it to hit me. But it hasn't… I just want to support him, see him get better and be there while he does it. I really care about him, Zach. He's wonderful and he deserves to be happy and ok, he deserves to get rid of the bad stuff his past has dealt him. I want that for him, and I want him with me if possible. I want him." Zach's eyes are shining a little, Blaine doesn't know why, but it seems like it's something happy that he feels.

"You don't sound as confused anymore," Zach points out, referring to the beginning of their conversation. Blaine ponders that a moment.

"Huh. Yeah, maybe I'm not," he smiles.

* * *

**050 - It's a good start**

On Sunday morning they meet at the coffee place again, something that is starting to become a regular thing for them. They've spent the last few days apart, partly because the semester is coming to an end and there's a lot of school work to do for both of them, and partly because they both had honestly needed a little more time to settle with this all before going back to being together.

Kurt thinks how thankful he is that the whole blow-up before Thanksgiving became so early, because he's not sure if he would ever have dared to start over and continue with Blaine if he had continued pretending and pushing himself and denying his own feelings for much longer. And without that evening and his forcing himself too far too fast, it probably would have taken a lot longer before it would have gotten too much, and then it would have just been way too much to ever get past it. But it had only barely been two weeks, and two weeks is still short enough that he hasn't completely lost himself in the lie. He feels grateful for himself for being in his mind enough to stop himself that night, and he supposes it's partly because he was really so shaken already that day, because if he had been in a more stable state of mind, he might have been able to push through with it. Force himself to have sex. The thought frightens him. Now that he has had time to think and after what Blaine told him about his own sex life, he can see how wrong he was and how near he was to hurting himself really badly. So, in the end, he's just relieved it happened the way it did and when it did, because it stopped Kurt just in time.

He looks at Blaine taking a sip from his coffee cup and smiling warmly at him, and he just feels a strong surge of thankfulness to the world, to himself, to Blaine, that he had been shocked out of his own lies and bad thoughts, before it had gone any further. Thinking about it now makes him really see what so many people have been telling him before, that there is no other way to deal with hurt and pain and problems than facing them, no matter how hard that seems. Denying them has only made him hurt himself while the problems were still there, as strong as ever.

He sees how the sun shining through the window catches in Blaine's relatively gel-free curls and makes them shine, and he thinks with relief that there is still a way out. Wanting to get better, even if the idea of what he has already done and what he has yet to do to get there is scarier than he has ever found anything, it's still a relief, because when he ran, he only saw the scary stuff, but now that he's preparing to fight, he can see the sun on the other side of this tunnel. He can see what could be, if he just can get through this a winner. It's already been the scariest step of them all, to admit to himself that there is nowhere to hide anymore, that the time for that is over. To admit all the things that he has had to run from. As he sits there this beautiful Sunday morning, in comfortable silence with this handsome guy that really wants to be there with him, he feels for the first time like he really can do this and that it will be worth it. He wants to do it, and he feels like he might even deserve it. It's a liberating feeling.

"So, how's your European literature essay going?" Blaine asks, with a carefree smile. It's like it truly is a new start, like at this moment there is no weight, no baggage between them. Kurt is not naïve enough to think that it would always be like this, but it's good to have these moments, to see that it's still possible to be just them, even after the whole mess.

"It's ok, I guess, although writing about the deeper meanings of Kafka is hard, because really I just want to hit him in the face for writing so boringly. The message of his books are important, but why does he feel the need to hide it so well? At least Madame Bovary is truly delightful in all her annoyingness." Kurt voice takes a sassy quality that it rarely has, but to Kurt this is _him_, or someone he might be if he didn't have to be afraid of everyone all the time. But in this moment with Blaine it feels easier to let go , and talking about literature has always been a comfortable enough topic to let himself talk and criticise more freely than usual. It feels like another small victory, that he still has that.

Blaine seems to like it too, if the amused sparkle in his eyes is any proof. "For an english major, you sure seem to hate the classics," he teases.

"Oh, no, I don't hate all the classics, just most of them." he deadpans, before cracking a small, almost shy smile. "No, actually most of them are great in some way, I'm just annoyed that some books are considered somehow better or are more valued that others, just because they are older. And I don't like it, when we are supposed to just accept the status of some books as classics, without challenging their place in the canon." And just like that, Kurt has almost lost himself in one of his passions, forgetting for a minute that he's supposed to be the most timid boy on earth, and he's only shocked out of it, when Blaine suddenly takes his hand and pulls him to a kiss, almost harshly, over the table. The kiss is deep but very brief, and when Blaine pulls back, his eyes are shining with some unnamed, unadulterated joy. Kurt would have enjoyed it, maybe, but it was too sudden, and he can't help noticing the middle-aged couple in the table behind Blaine staring at them with mild disdain, and he feels a small but insistent sense of fear knocking in the back of his head.

"God, I love it when you do that." Blaine grins widely.

"Do what?" Kurt is confused, still a little uneasy about the kiss.

"When you forget yourself and let the real you shine through. It's beautiful." Blaine grins and squeezes his hand affectionately. And Kurt almost, almost lets his problem with the kiss go, because he doesn't want to ruin this moment and ruin Blaine's joy, when he's so happy and it's all because of Kurt.

Almost. But then he remembers what he promised and he remembers how hurt Blaine had looked when he told him how Kurt's dishonesty made him feel, he remembers how he himself had finally decided to change, and even though the temptation to not deal with it now is so strong, he still lets it out. He gives Blaine a small smile, almost weak, and then pulls his hand out of Blaine grip, still feeling the eyes of that couple on the two of them. "I'm glad you think like that about me, I am. It's just that… that kiss, well, it was kinda really sudden… and that couple behind you keeps looking at us, and I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with it, it's just, I'm not used to this and it scares me a bit… It's not a big deal but we promised to talk about these things and…" Kurt trails off, now looking at his empty cup, before glancing up to Blaine. Who is staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Kurt," he starts after a small pause, "that was the first time. You told me how you really feel, even though you could have just let it go." Blaine's face is still hard to read. "You could have let it go," he repeats, as if he's not sure Kurt understood him.

"Yeah, I could have. I didn't, though."

"No, you didn't." Blaine's face is serious and intense, before it breaks into an honest, wide smile. "Thank you." And Kurt thinks he knows what Blaine is thanking him for. For keeping his promise. For giving him a proof that things will be different. For sincerely trying. Kurt is just glad that he did it. It's a small step, but it's also big because it's the first real one. The first that could be seen and counted. A step that Kurt made of his own choise. Kurt slowly raises his hand again and very deliberately takes Blaine's hand in his over the table again.

"You don't have to do that," Blaine says, frowning a little at their joined hands, but doesn't pull away.

"No, I know. I want to." Kurt's eyes wander from Blaine's to the couple behind him for just a second.

"You sure?" Blaine says as he glances behind him and takes in the couple Kurt is looking at.

"Yes. The kiss was a bit too much for me, but I want to hold my boyfriend's hand despite what those people might think. I can handle it and I want it." he smiles at Blaine, almost triumphantly. "I still want to get over my fears, and it's not like every move I've taken forward is a bad thing, you know."

"And that," Blaine starts with a happy grin, "made me just figure out the next photo shoot we can do to complete my collection. It's not even going to be hard to do and I think you will like it."

"Which dream would it be then?" Kurt tilts his head, curiously.

"I saw it in your book, on the same page as the dream for the blindfold photos was. '_ I want to fly so high no one can touch me'_ or something like that. I think it would be a good dream to make true." Kurt smiles because what else could he do. It _is_ a good dream to make true. It's a good end for Blaine's class project and it's a good start for Kurt's new project with his life.

* * *

**051 - Epitome of free**

It's the beginning of December and the weather is getting decidedly colder. They've been planning the last photo shoot, but they have to wait for a clear weather for this one, blue skies or only partial clouds, at the very least. Monday it's raining cats and dogs and they opt to spend the day studying and lazying around. On Tuesday the rain has stopped but the sky is depressing dark grey. Wednesday seems to continue the theme, but during Blaine's afternoon class the clouds part and when he steps outside, he can see the sun shining through dreamy white clouds, like straight from the Simpsons intro. It's perfect, so he calls Kurt and asks him to come, fast. Kurt says he needs Aino for this to be brave enough, but she agrees to come easily, so it's all fine.

They agree to meet near one of the older, smaller buildings on campus. It's not the prettiest one, but it's exactly what they need: only five floors high and it has a flat roof where you can actually go to. It's not exactly allowed, but the door isn't locked either, so you just need to ignore the "Do not enter" sign hanging across the stairway leading up there. Besides, it's not like they are the only ones who have ever broken that particular rule, almost every photography major has been there at one point of another to take pictures of the campus, or cool portraits, or whatever else they might have needed an open rooftop for.

This time Blaine is not going to climb up there, though. It's going to be Kurt who gets to go there while Blaine stays on the ground to capture the moment. That's also why Aino needs to be there: Kurt doesn't want to go alone and she's someone they trust not to mess up the breaking and entering, even though it's not really that hard at all - the top floor is almost always deserted so it's not like they have to hide behind barriers and escape vicious guards.

After about ten minutes of waiting, Blaine sees Kurt walking towards him, looking nervous but still smiling. "Hi," he says and presses a fast kiss on Blaine's cheek after checking if anyone is watching them. Blaine's heart warms at the simple gesture, because it seems genuine and he can see it's not something Kurt forced himself to do, but what he really wanted to do, and that feels good.

"Hi, Night sky," Blaine pulls Kurt in to a brief hug. He might have wanted to do more, but really, they are just trying to restart their whole relationship and they've both realised it will take time, so they'll have to take it slow. Also, he knows now that Kurt is still very uncomfortable with excessive PDA, and that what Kurt had initiated previously in public wasn't something he had already become comfortable with, so he just wants to be careful this time. He pulls away quickly and searches Kurt's eyes, that still look anxious.

"Are you fine with this? It's okay, if it feels too much, we'll just figure out something else." Kurt huffs at Blaine's tone, seemingly a bit annoyed at his coddling.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm nervous, but it's not like I'll die. It might even be fun," he says determinedly. "So don't try to talk me out of it," he adds after a second, in a voice that tells it might not be that hard at all.

Before Blaine gets to answer, they hear Aino's voice calling for them. They turn and there she is, but the thing is, she's not alone.

"Hey, Blainers! I thought you might be suffering from separation anxiety, as we didn't see each other last night, so I thought I'd come and make sure you're all right." Zach shouts cheerfully and pulls Blaine into an exaggerated show of a tight hug. Then Zach takes hold of Blaine's face with both hands and coos "Aww, baby, did you miss papa?", kissing him on the bridge of his nose. Blaine pushes Zach away, but can't help the grin that breaks the grimace he's going for.

"Get off me, Barney! Your inner dinosaur is showing." Zach looks scandalised and Kurt bursts into a mirthful laugh. Blaine smiles wide at that and hugs Kurt's shoulders to him for a second, because Kurt's laugh is beautiful and he wants to hear it much more often. Aino looks confused about the conversation though.

"What has Zach to do with dinosaurs..?" she asks, uncertainly. Zach looks at her with the kind of eyes that can only be described as a puppy in love.

"Oh my God, you _are_ perfect! I've never found ignorance more beautiful!" He pulls Aino into a hug, not unlike the one Blaine just gave Kurt. Blaine thinks that if it had been any other person, Zach would have kissed her on the cheek too, but he refrained from doing it to Aino, and that makes Blaine realise how much Zach already understands her. It's not like Zach wouldn't want to, but because he knows that Aino, with her cultural background, wouldn't be comfortable with kissing between friends. And, in exchange, he notices that Aino is completely fine with Zach's antics, even if in some other situation they might have been a bit too much for her. They're two very different people that seem to have built a bridge over their differences, and it warms Blaine's heart to see it.

Aino looks at Kurt questioningly. "I'll explain it to you when were up there," Kurt promises. Then something else comes to Blaine's mind.

"So how come you are here too, Zach?"

"Oh, I was just having coffee with Aino, and when Kurt here called to take her away from me, I decided to tag along and come to bug you instead." Zach smiles, his eyes full of genuine friendliness despite the silly words. They joke around for another while and then Aino and Kurt are sent upstairs before the weather has time to change again. It takes them a few minutes, but then Blaine can see the two figures on top of the building, peering down. He wouldn't see them too well, but his camera is currently sporting a big zoom objective, and through it he can see their faces clearly. Zach calls Kurt's phone so that Blaine can give him directions about position and posture, and then they're ready to start.

Aino goes further back so that she won't be seen, while Kurt stands near the edge, just behind the low rail that goes around the rooftop, and has his hands spread wide and is facing straight ahead. The building is definitely not high enough for no sky scrapers to show behind him, but Blaine is standing pretty near to the building, so the steep angle makes most of the background just clear blue with fluffy clouds. Kurt is wearing a bright red jacket and his hair is styled wild and messy, looking wind-blown. Blaine outlines the photo so that Kurt is standing right in the lower right corner, taken far enough that his figure is fairly small, and most of the photo is just the sky behind him. The red of his jacket is a stark brush of colour staining the otherwise blue and white scene. It's simple but also looking so open and free in all it's simplicity. The photos are fairly easy to take and it only takes a few minutes before Blaine knows he's got the perfect shot. Zach tells Kurt they can come down and shuts the phone.

Blaine turns to Zach after putting away the camera. "Soo.. You and Aino…and coffee? Sounds serious." Blaine could almost swear that Zach blushes at the comment, before he's smiling again.

"Yeah. She's a really great girl. We're just friends though, in case you were wondering."

"Oh." Blaine _had _been wondering.

"Yeah. Oh." Zach sighs a little.

"Would you want it to be more than friends?" Blaine asks, with a tender smile for his friend. It's rare to hear Zach sigh like that.

"Yeah, sure, maybe? But, you remember I told you before, it's not like I could just be with any girl I want. It wouldn't work, not with my… preference. She really is a wonderful friend, and I don't want to mess that." Zach sounds resigned and a little sad. Blaine wants to say that it's not like that and surely he should go for it, but he knows deep inside that what Zach is saying is mostly true, and it's his decision to make in any case. Blaine is very well aware of the difficulties that come with being different than others, and he's not going to diminish or deny them. He just feels sad for Zach, who may have found the right girl but can't just go for it, because it's never going to be that simple for him.

When Kurt and Aino appear from the side door of the building, Zach and Blaine both put up a smile and if the hug Blaine gives Kurt is a little tighter and lasts a little longer than what he planned for, no one seems to notice.

"You look wonderful in the photos, Night sky," he tells Kurt with a smile. "You look like the epitome of free." Kurt grins back at him, carefree and happy.

"I felt free! It was amazing up there, really! First I was scared of the height, but then… I'm so glad you got this idea." Then his face slowly turns wistful and a little sad. "I just wish the project wasn't over already." Kurt worries his lip with his teeth. Blaine feels exactly the same.

"Don't worry. It's not like I'm ever going to stop taking photos of you,"Blaine says, and sees Kurt's face light up against his own will.

"Could you two point the shine of your utter happiness to some other direction, it's hurting my eyes." Zach comments, loudly, shielding his eyes.

"Go jump off a bridge!" Blaine answers cheerfully. He takes Kurt's hand and turns to head to their coffee shop. He wants to spend some time with Kurt and maybe that way Zach and Aino can go and finish their own coffee date as well. He wishes it could be a real date for those two, but it's not in his hands.

* * *

**A/N:** The lack of drama in this chapter is as shocking to me as it is to you. :D I hope I didn't disappoint you.


	18. 052-054

**Author's note:** Hi, readers! Thanks for the reviews and other awesomeness. :) We're back to the too long chapters, again. Apparently I'm not good at writing in a compact form. Anyway, I made some calculations and came to the conclusion that there should be about eight more chapters left to this story. But, knowing myself, I wouldn't be surprised if the number got higher. I wouldn't be too worried of it becoming less than that, at least. This is in no way a formal announcement, and I still reserve the right to change my plans, but now you have some sort of estimation. It's slowly getting towards the ending now. There is still drama left, though, so rest assured! :D

While writing this, I'm also getting increasingly busy with my master's thesis, so I hope you all fully appreciate that I'm still writing this and keeping my updating schedule! :D Although the truth is that mostly this story is merely the perfect way to procrastinate.. you know, because "I need to write my fic so there's no time to write my thesis" and "I need to publish the next chapter tomorrow, so I really can't go to the library!" etc. You know? Plus, when it's down to whether I'll write about the problematic nature of verb derivation or about Kurt and Blaine, the decision isn't that hard to make.

Anyway, enough of my rambling, go read!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Fox and Ryan Murphy! It's not on purpose, I swear!

* * *

**052 - Butterflies are so lucky**

It's the last week before winter break and it's snowing outside. Kurt still has one or two final exams left and then it's time to get back home to Ohio for almost two weeks. He's been working on the last essays for the European literature class with Aino, as they both take the class together. He had found it a bit odd at first, that she would choose to study European literature in USA, but she had explained that she likes the different perspective and it was good enough a reason for Kurt. So, as they grew closer during the semester, they've also been working together every now and then, to exchange their different perspectives on the subject. It's interesting for Kurt to hear her point of view too, as she actually lives in said continent and has studied the history and culture a lot more deeply than Kurt has. Kurt has found out, that things like Hitler and the Russian empire are taught pretty differently in a country that has been part of Russia and has sided with Hitler during the war, albeit reluctantly.

So, now they're having their last study date to peer check their essays before handing them over, and they've been at it for long enough that Rachel has long since gotten bored of their discussion and put on her iPod while studying in her own room, as to not be disturbed by the two of them. They finally declare their essays finished and sit up on the bed they've been laying on with their laptops. Their grins are satisfied, because it's one step closer to winter holidays and a break from all the cramming and studying.  
The coming winter break makes Kurt think about these last weeks after thanksgiving. It's been filled with a surprising amount of normalcy. He's studied a lot and had some dates with Blaine, nothing too fancy as they're both too busy, mostly it's just been the normal coffee dates, some study dates and one real date with a dinner in a restaurant and a movie last week. It's been simply nice, nothing too much or intimate, but simply comfortable, trying to relearn the other and find the right kind of basis to build their relationship on.

That's not to say that everything's been flawless and easy, of course not. There have been moments when Kurt has struggled with being honest and letting Blaine in and showing his insecurity and real feelings. There's been a few times that Blaine has not believed Kurt when he's said he's ok, and they've had a small quarrel over it. There even was one real fight about which of them was at fault for Blaine being late from his train back to campus one day. But all of these have been small enough for them to solve in a few minutes, or in the fight's case at least within the same day, so it's really been almost deceiving normal. There's one thing Kurt still doesn't know how to approach, though. Sex. Or being intimate in any sexual way. They haven't approached any new territory these weeks, they've kept it to light making out and touching only the perfectly socially acceptable body parts, like backs and shoulders and waists. That's not the problem, exactly, but it's closely related.

"Aino… Uh, um.. do you think I could talk to you about something?" Kurt asks awkwardly, already having second thoughts about whether it's such a good idea to talk about this with her. But he feels like he needs to talk, and he doesn't know anyone better he could talk to. It's not a subject he wants to discuss with his dad, no matter how close they are, and Rachel can be over-exaggerating and dramatic when she wants to and he definitely doesn't need that. And Blaine, just, no way. He can't discuss a problem with intimacy with the guy he has problems being intimate with. It's not that he doesn't want to be honest with Blaine, not this time, it's really just that he doesn't even know what he is feeling himself, doesn't know which feeling to trust, so he wants to clear his thoughts before he talks to Blaine. Their relationship is still so fragile that he doesn't want to ruin it by saying some careless words that may not even be the truth.

"Sure," Aino smiles warmly. She's really just such a good friend, Kurt thinks, and Kurt feels more sure about this already.

"Yeah, so… Sex," he blurts out and Aino let's out a laugh at his bluntness.

"You want to talk about gay sex with me? Sorry to break it to you, but I'm not exactly an expert," she chuckles. Kurt let's out his own laugh at the awkwardness.

"Yeah, no, that's not exactly it. More like… sex in general. Having it, being intimate, whatever." he explains, watching his own hands.  
"Oh. Ok. Just go ahead," she smiles and seems ok with the subject.

"Well, I'll just go right to business… I have no idea what to think about the whole concept, or more, like, I don't know which feeling I can trust. You know, I've never done anything like that, except the whole fiasco before thanksgiving, and to be honest, I'm completely freaked out by the whole thing. I'm not.. that confident about my body and.. and it's just so scary, the thought of giving yourself up to someone like that and not knowing what to expect… And before, I used to avoid the subject completely because it just made me really uncomfortable, but now.. Now Blaine makes me feel things, but mostly I'm just so scared that I don't even know if I'll ever want it at all.. I mean, how can I trust myself that I really want it, if the reality of the whole thing freaks me out so much?" He huffs the last part out with a frustrated rush of air.

"Ok," Aino breathes out after Kurt's sudden outburst and then continues after silently thinking over something. "Ok. I want to tell you something, but first let's play a little mind game. Now, close your eyes and imagine that you are completely confident with yourself and you trust Blaine completely and feel totally comfortable being with him. Can you imagine feeling like that?" Kurt has closed his eyes and while he has some difficulties with it, his imagination is able to produce a version of himself who isn't afraid of his own body or being vulnerable or intimate. It's a really nice image, even though it feels pretty damn far from the reality. But it seems like a step to the right direction, that he is able to see this as something he could one day be.

"I can see it," he confirms, eyes closed still.

"Ok, now imagine you are kissing him, passionately." Kurt blushes but let's his thoughts travel freely anyway. "And then, he touches you in a sexual way, whatever you find hot. And keep in mind that there are still no body or trust issues and it's just the feeling and what you want and don't want to think about here. How does it make you feel? Do you want to take his clothes off and go with it? Does it make you feel aroused?" Kurt's face is furiously red and he peeks out of the corner of his eye to see Aino's face, but her eyes are closed too, not even faced in his direction, and he feels slightly more comfortable with this. Then he lets his imagination to really take over and just feel it. He feels a surge of strange excitement and want go through him, and it seems like an answer enough.

"It makes me feel good. I want.. It makes me want to do things, yeah," he confirms with a little shaky voice.

"Aaand that's all we needed to know," Aino says with a voice that clearly declares the game over. Kurt's sure his face looks confused enough that she starts to elaborate.

"Look, there's something you need to about my past. I've had sex, several times, but those weren't the best experiences of my life. And you know why? Because I never really wanted it, but I still went with it, because I thought that's what you're supposed to want to do. At some point, I had to face the truth, that sex was something I would only be enjoying with someone I really love - and forcing myself to it, repeatedly, even made it a somewhat unpleasant thing to me.. But what I'm saying is that, if I had done this same mind practise before being with any of those guys, I probably would not have felt the want you just felt. I've realised that sex to me is something that I would only want with someone I love and even then, it's not something that is really important to me. I'm not giving myself any labels, I'm sure with the right guy I would enjoy it, but it's not something I'm very passionate about. I'm just as fine without.

"So, even though the guys were nice and kind and gentle, it left me with some really bad memories, because I myself didn't truly want it. If you tried to have sex with Blaine right now, you would probably make bad memories too, because you're not ready and you are still very afraid.. but underneath all that, you just saw that you _do_ want him, so I'm sure there will be time, maybe not even that far away, when you will be ready and then you will really want it. So, I'm just saying, don't push yourself faster than you're ready for and never, ever force yourself to it, if there are any bad feelings tied to the moment, but also trust yourself if you do feel the want. You are allowed to want it, and once you two get to a point where you are ready enough that the want wins over the fear, I'm sure you will have no problems with wanting sex and enjoying it with him." Aino's voice has been small, and gotten a bit emotional in the more personal, harder parts, but she ends her speech with a reassuring, gentle smile, and he takes a hold of Kurt's hand to squeeze it. Kurt feels pretty overwhelmed by it all, but it's given him some answers he has really needed.

"I- I don't really know what to say. But - thank you, for telling me and for making me see some things better.. And I'm really honoured that you felt you could share with me those memories. I'm so sorry..." Kurt feels a little flustered. Aino had just told him some really personal, painful things, and he doesn't know how he should handle it. But Aino doesn't seem to mind.

"Kurt, it's ok. I felt like I could speak to you, because I feel that you understand. You've had your own troubles and I know you wouldn't judge me or pity me. It's something hard for me, but I'm also pretty ok with it now. I've accepted it, kind of. So no worries." She gives out a smile, that then turns a little more light and joking, "I'm sure you'll be having some lovely gay sex sooner than you think," she says with a teasing tone, to change the mood.

"Seriously, though-" Kurt starts but is stopped by the enthusiastic voice of Rachel coming from behind them.

"Ooooh, who's having sex!" she exclaims and jumps on the bed with them.

"No one," Kurt mumbles, redder than he's probably ever been. He glances at Aino, only to see her eyes saying that they're fine and that Kurt can talk to her anytime if he needs, but that this is fine for now. The three of them spend the rest of the evening lamenting their exams and watching mindless TV, and it's nice, even though their talk hasn't left Kurt's mind.

/

Later, when Aino has gone home and Rachel has gone to sleep, Kurt digs out a notebook that he hasn't opened for a long time. It's the old poetry book he used to write in, before things got too complicated and he didn't feel like it anymore. But somehow, he's got the spark to write now. He has no idea, why now, but he doesn't question it, instead he just takes a pen and lets the words come, after such a long time of being pushed away and hidden. His writing is perhaps a little rusty, but it's freeing none the less.

_Butterflies are lucky:  
they die so fast.  
They barely have time to eat once  
before their wings grow heavy and slow  
and they fall, mid-fly._

Butterflies don't have enough time to complicate things  
they have no names to curse  
no future to fear,  
just one meal  
and the last fly that soon will end.

* * *

**053 - An offer**

_Blaine Devon Anderson Creative photography (project course) Recipient: Professor Theresa Kerry_

_2012-12-18_

**_Written report_**

_In the beginning of this course we chose our theme unknowingly, by finding a photo and then interpreting it. The theme for my project ended up being 'Seizing the moment and facing the unknown adventures offered to you'. The photo I chose for that first class was of a girl who enters a book - and strangely enough, I found my subject and consecutively my whole idea in a library. I saw a boy I had never seen standing near a window and took a photo of him, and that started our photographic journey. What started as a simple photography project became a story of so much more: photography became a way of unraveling the mystery of a new person and a new friend. _

_My model for every photograph in this collection is the same. He wishes to be left nameless, but his story is still the center of this collection, because the main focus of this project is to celebrate his life and dreams and tell his story. The moment I first saw him, I knew that he had a story worth telling. It did not take long for me to find out how true this was. One day he showed me a notebook he calls 'The book of dreams', a bucket list of sorts that he started together with his mother, when he was eight years old. His mother died soon after, but he continued writing his dreams down in the notebook to keep his mother's memory alive. Naturally, a lot of those childhood dreams - and older too - are something that would be impossible to achieve in real life, such as becoming the president of United states or being a mermaid. The whole idea of these unattainable dreams inspired me so much that I wanted to base my who project on that. The idea was to choose one of those otherwise unattainable dreams from the model's book for each individual photo, and then make it happen, if not in reality, then at least in a photograph. _

_Every photo is naturally taken to create a piece of art and combined to make a collection that can touch those who see it, but that is not all this project and these photographs are. For me as the photographer this was, at least in the beginning, simply a class project. To my model, however, this was his way of keeping his mother's memory alive and find courage to do new things. This project became something that I did not only do for myself and this class, but equally much a project to help my model to find lost pieces of himself. Instead of being the goal, photography became a tool for something more. During this semester I discovered ways in which photography can be used to heal and how it can be a way to see yourself in new light, not only as the viewer of the photo, but as the model and photographer as well. I discovered that photography, like any kind of art, can also be used as a kind of therapy, and to connect people together._

_During this semester I had ten photo shoots with my model, and during that time I got a chance to know this stranger I had started an art project with very closely. In the beginning I didn't know anything about this man, besides the childhood dreams he chose to share with me, but through the dreams and through the photographs we made together, I got to know him in a deeper level than I have known almost any of my closest friends. I realised very soon that this kind of project is much more intimate than I ever could have anticipated. With each photo we grew closer and gained new understanding of each other, and before I even realised, I had gotten a new friend - and recently a boyfriend._

_In the next part I will go through each photo individually, describing the shoot and technical aspects in more detail, as well as explain the dream behind it and my interpretation of it. But before I give all that information, I want to draw focus on the project as a whole. I hope and am confident that even without the back story these photographs can relay their story and let the viewer feel the hope for future and the healing that can be found in taking courage and leaping into what you previously found impossible. Just like the girl in the photo I got my theme from, me and my model have stepped into new, unknown territories during this project and learned to take everything unexpected as a chance instead of an obstacle, and that is what I hope these photos can show._

_[-]_

/

Besides the written report, all of the students are supposed to give a short oral presentation of their projects and the photos they have taken. During the eight minutes Blaine is alloted, he tells almost all the same things that he wrote in the introduction part of his written report, and all the students seem really intrigued by his concept. When he mentions the fact that his model became his boyfriend, however, a round of honest laughter rings in the room. But it's a sound of acceptance and happiness, so Blaine takes it gladly. He knows it's maybe not the most professional aspect of this project, which is why he didn't want to put focus on that, either in his report or in this presentation, but now, as he hears their easy laughter and sees their nodding smiles, he feels that maybe the professionalism isn't such a big thing in this case.

His project was different, because it was about a human connection at least as much as it was about making art, and maybe them becoming boyfriend because of it is just another sign that his project was a success. This project didn't just get him a few credits, it changed his life in many ways, and it is something he wants to celebrate instead of being ashamed of. Watching other people look and enjoy his photos of Kurt made him want to shout out that this beautiful man is with him now. It makes him proud, of himself and of Kurt, and how far they have managed to go with a simple set of ten photos. Seeing those photos together now, and seeing how the other students' eyes are glimmering with interest and even awe as they go through the small collection, makes him truly realise for the first time the magnitude of how much these photos actually mean, to him, to Kurt, and to them as a couple. They are the reason they're together, as well as the story of them, written for all to see and for themselves to remember.

Soon his eight minutes are over. The room grows quiet as they all wait to hear what their professor has to say about it.

"You have done some remarkable Work, Mr. Anderson." Theresa smiles. (She made them use first names in the class early on, including her, saying that it will make them all closer together). "Your photos are technically fairly well done - there are some technical issues and problems with lighting and focus and such in some of them, but I have left you comments of those in your written report. However, I think it's safe to assume, that you have used a lot of equipment that you weren't familiar with before, as well as some really challenging locations, so the challenge you have given yourself certainly compensates the mistakes you've made. Also, I'd like to point out to you all here, that the technical side of photography is something we all can learn to handle better, but what truly matters here is the exceptional vision and the way you have managed to find ways to use photography to do much more than just art, while still managing to make some truly wonderful pieces of art, and that is what makes this project so exceptional. I've given you an A-."

She gives Blaine a satisfied and encouraging smile, that tells Blaine '_good work'_ and '_be proud_', and Blaine truly is. He wants to jump and grin madly and maybe call Kurt, no matter that the class hasn't ended yet, because _they did this_, they earned such a great grade, and while it technically is his project and his grade, he thinks it belongs to Kurt just as much. Kurt made it possible for Blaine to do this project - without Kurt and his books and his awesome modeling, Blaine wouldn't have had a project in the first place.

After a few more presentations the class is over and Blaine starts to file out of the room, impatient as he can't wait to tell Kurt the news. Before he can get out, though, Theresa calls him back.

"Hey, Blaine and Jenny, could you stay for another second? I promise this is going to be worth it," she calls, with a happy tone in her voice. Blaine can't help but think that if all the professors were as enthusiastic about everything that happens in their class, students would be getting a lot more A's around here. He and Jenny, a short girl with dark hair, who had presented her environmental awareness project earlier, turned back behind to see what Theresa had to say. Blaine had no idea what to expect, but he wasn't that worried as she has just practically praised his work to moon and back, compared to her usual standards.

"I have an offer for you, which I think you will find interesting," she winks at them in a way that could easily be ridiculous but is somehow not. "One of my former colleagues works currently at a local library, where they have a small room for art exhibits. They often showcase some less known artists and she usually goes through the work done for my creative photography courses to see if there is any student she would want to organise an exhibition for. This year she was really impressed by both of your work and wants to offer you both a two week time slot sometime next spring to showcase your project. Would you be interested?" Blaine doesn't even manage to form a coherent thought before Jenny speaks out.

"Oh my God, do you even have to ask!" she half-screams and then slaps her hand on her mouth, embarrassed. Blaine agrees with her wholeheartedly, despite the shouting. Even if it's just a small exhibit in a local library, it's still huge. It could give him a lot of good opportunities in the future and exposure in any way is always good. Getting his own exhibit already during his sophomore year is a merit that isn't easily ignored. He still manages to stay somewhat calm, though, at least outwardly.

"Yes, yes, definitely, that would be wonderful," Blaine says, grinning.

"I see you both agree, then," their professor grins with a slightly mischievous glint in her eye. She goes through some pointers with Jenny, but Blaine has trouble concentrating on what they're saying. Then Theresa's suddenly speaking to him and he has to focus.

"And then Blaine, there is one condition with your collection, that we need to discuss. My colleague was as impressed with your work as I was, and considering the amount of work you have spent on each photo, ten photos was certainly enough for the purposes of this course. But for the exhibit, my colleague says you should have at least a few more photographs to fill the whole room. It wouldn't have to be a lot, like three or four more, just so that they can cover all the wall space. Would you and your model be ready to do that?"

Blaine is certainly ready, he really wants this exhibit and he has been sad about the end of the project anyway. He's pretty sure Kurt would have no problem with doing a few more photo shoots either, but there's another problem he hadn't thought about yet. He realises that he never asked Kurt's permission to publish these photos anywhere besides as school work, so it's not only up to him. The photos are pretty personal in many ways and he's not all that sure that Kurt would be ready for this kind of publicity for the photos and his dreams.

"I know I already said I want to do it, but I think I need to discuss this with Ku-, with my model, before I can decide anything. It's his story as much as it's mine, so I can't really do this without his permission. And I need to ask if he wants to do the extra shoots, as well." Blaine's tone is apologetic, and also just a bit desperate, because he really doesn't want to miss this opportunity.

"Oh, don't worry! You can take the winter break to figure things out and give me an answer after. Would that work?"

"Definitely! Thank you!"

"Well, that's settled then. I hope I'll hear from you two in January!" She smiles at them, way friendlier than an average professor would, and sends them on their way. Blaine certainly knows what's going to be the topic that evening with Kurt.

* * *

**054 - A lot still changed**

"Hi, Night sky," Blaine greets him with a smile and a small kiss, as he steps in the door. Rachel is out somewhere with his newly official boyfriend Brody, so they have the apartment for a few hours. They're all flying to Ohio the next day, so it's the last time for a while that they'll have time alone together. They have plans to meet in Ohio, but Westerville and Lima are not _that_ close, so they thought it would be more beneficial for them to just focus on spending time with their family and friends during the holidays. It's only two weeks, after all.

"Hi, you," Kurt smiles back. Kurt wants to figure out a special nickname for Blaine too, but anything he can think of just feels stupid, so he'll have to stick with the normal ones until something comes up. Blaine's Night sky, though completely ridiculous, is somehow much more sweet and endearing than it should be. Blaine's brought some chinese with him, so they settle around the table to eat. They go through their holidays plans and other light topics while they eat. When they're just about finished, Kurt starts "I have something I want to talk to you about" at the exact same time as Blaine says "There's something I need to tell you," which of course makes them both stop and laugh.

"This sounds like a potentially long conversation, so would you like some dessert before we start?" Blaine asks, as he digs out a previously hidden box of cheese cake. Kurt actually legitimately wants to squeal, because it's cheese cake and it's so lovely that Blaine has thought to buy it. He doesn't, though, as he's still Kurt, but he's smile is wide enough to tell he likes the surprise. They take plates and after a few mouthfuls of pure pleasure, Kurt tells Blaine to go first. Kurt's topic is more to the serious side and Blaine seems too excited for his topic to be very sad, at least.

Blaine then launches into an enthusiastic and long winded speech about everything that happened with his photography class - _Kurt should have realised it was about that!_ -, how the presentation went, the other students' reaction, his professor's comments, and the grade he got. It all makes Kurt wish he could have been there, although on a second thought, maybe not, because he's pretty sure people would have been able to make the connection between him and the model, and it might have been awkward.

"That's so great, Blaine! Congratulation, you really deserved it." Kurt's smile is sincerely happy, because he _is_ sincerely happy for Blaine. The project has given him so much that he's just happy other people have been able to see how wonderful the project is. He read Blaine's report before, and he wholeheartedly agrees with Blaine on how much the project has made a difference in both of their lives.

"Thank you," Blaine grins, but now there is some underlying nervousness in his face, that Kurt doesn't understand. Blaine doesn't seem like he's finished yet. "Uh.. There's something more. It's definitely nothing bad, I'm really excited to be honest, but I'm just worried how you'll react." Blaine digs through his eyes as if he's trying to read what Kurt's future reaction will be.

"Oh.. Well, it can't be that bad if you're so excited?" he says, unsure. Some of Blaine's nervousness is starting to affect him.

"Yeah, well, I hope so, at least. After the class, our professor told me and one other girl that we both had gotten an offer from one local library to have a small exhibit there.. It would be up for like two weeks, and it's an incredible opportunity for me, to get some exposure and maybe some job offers or whatever… But the thing is, the exhibit wouldn't be just any photos, it would be of the photos from our project, and we would actually have to do a couple more to fill the whole room, she said… And I just don't know how you'd feel about that." Blaine sounds increasingly hesitant, and Kurt has no problem understanding why, because the first thought the idea brings to his head is _no freaking way_. It's not because he's ashamed of the photos or his dreams, not really, but they're something very personal and intimate and raw, and he had always thought that the only strangers who would see them would be Blaine's teacher and his class mates. That was their deal from the start and he'd made his peace with that eventually, though even that idea had been hard for him. The idea that those photos would suddenly be there for anyone to see and judge, in a public library where anyone can go, the exhibit possibly even advertised - it sounds so, so scary. Utterly terrifying. Bordering on panic inducing. He's pretty sure the feeling shows on his face.

"Oh. Kurt… If it's too much, we can just forget it. It's ok." The wave of relief is strong and he almost says 'yes, let's forget it' immediately, but then he notices the disappointment that Blaine does his very best to, but cannot completely, hide. And Kurt just can't say it. Not when it clearly would be something really important to Blaine. Blaine's done so much for him and this would be a big reward for all the work he's done. He recalls how excited Blaine looked just a minute ago, even though he had been trying to tone it down as he was nervous of Kurt's reaction. _That_ almost makes him say 'yes, let's do it' instead. But he can't say that either. The words get stuck in his throat, because the reality of just how scary the thing would be hasn't changed. He doesn't know what to do, because no answer is good. It's like when Blaine proposed the project all over again.

"I… Can I take some time to think about it, instead?" he says, to gain some much needed time. As he sees Blaine's face light up with carefully controlled hope again, he's insanely glad he didn't say no right away. Even if he ends up declining, at least now he can give the idea an honest chance, and Blaine deserves that much, at least. And Kurt needs to see past his initial fear, or he'll never get over anything.

"Yeah.. that's fine. There's no hurry to decide," Blaine gives him a sweet smile. Then he takes Kurt's hand and brings them both to sit on the sofa, so that he can pull Kurt next to him and hold him close. "What did you want to talk about?" he asks, when they're settled.

"Oh.." Kurt doesn't know how to start. It was one thing to talk about sex with Aino, because she was at least a somewhat neutral listener, but Blaine is the person it would all happen with, so talking with him feels somehow much harder and much more embarrassing. Which is silly, because Blaine is his boyfriend and should by definition be the person he is most comfortable speaking about sex with, but he can't help how he feels. He braves on anyway, because he's been thinking about it for two days straight now and he really wants to get it out in the open before his head explodes. He knows that just weeks ago he would never have dared to say what he wants to say now, but things have changed. It's a ridiculously short time for that, but _he_ really has changed.

"Well. You remember I had my study date with Aino a few days ago? So after we were finished with out essays, we.. uh.. we kinda talked about sex." _Oh God, could he have phrased that any more awkwardly?_ He's pretty sure the blush goes all the way down to his chest. Blaine let's out a small chuckle, but when Kurt looks up - to glare or to plead, he's not sure which - he sees Blaine's eyes shining with affection and even pride instead of amusement. Kurt decides he should just continue, so he explains Blaine his worries about sex, how he's scared of the unknown, the intimacy, the utter vulnerability, the loss of control - all the while stealing glances at Blaine to see how he takes it. He doesn't see any disgust or other things he instinctively fears, which makes him curse himself for still believing Blaine would be like that, even though he knows, has proof even, that Blaine would never think like that about him. It's just really hard to really believe, in moments like this.

He tells Blaine about the little mind game he played with Aino and her advice afterwards, leaving out her personal experiences and preferences, because he doesn't want to betray Aino's trust. "So, she told me that I should never go further than I feel comfortable with, but that it's okay to want it," he concludes, still blushing, finding his hands very interesting. The whole talk has been one big blush and he's not even sure how he ever got all that out of his mouth in the first place.

"I'm glad you told me-," Blaine starts, and Kurt kind of panics out of the blue.

"Blaine, I swear, I didn't keep my concerns from you on purpose, I just wanted to get to the bottom of the whole thing before I talked to you, because it was all such a mess of thoughts and we weren't doing anything sexual yet, so it's not like it affected our relationship, and I would have told you if something would have happened, but I just-" Blaine stops his panicked rambling with a small laugh and a finger on his lips.

"Ok, stop. It's fine, and I'm not mad. You are allowed to not talk about everything immediately. Like you said, we weren't doing anything yet, so it's totally ok to take your time to go through you own thoughts. I'm just happy that you could talk with Aino and figure things out. And I have a feeling there's some sort of conclusion you've found, because you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah." Kurt takes a deep breath, because this is it. "I, well, I- I thought about all she said and how she made me realise I really do want… want you," and _how fucking awkward can this be?_ "and I…" he takes another deep breath and decides to just go with it, because it's not going to get any easier. "I want to have sex with you, one day, not now because I'm really not ready and maybe not even that soon, but the point is, I don't want to just avoid the issue, I want to work towards it, or whatever, I just want to take some steps toward that because it's not going to just magically become ok and easy, if I never even think about it." Kurt ends, half really wanting to hear Blaine's answer and half just wanting to dig his own grave and die in it.

But when he finally looks up to see Blaine's face, it's closer than he expected, and then he's being kissed, and it's way deeper than he would have expected, and just, _ok._ _Wow. Ok. I guess I could be fine with this._ When Blaine eventually pulls back to hug him even closer, Kurt feels like maybe he's made another right decision that evening.

"That must have been hard to say out loud, but I'm really grateful that you did, because.. yeah. I want that too." The somewhat lustful expression then changes into a more tender one again. "Just as long as you still know that there is really no hurry, I'm definitely on board. We can work towards it, like you said. Just, whatever you're comfortable with." Blaine's smile is mostly just gentle, with some lust still lingering, and Kurt feels strangely wanted all of a sudden. Like maybe he could believe that he is someone Blaine would honestly want in that way. Well, on a purely intellectual level he _does_ know that Blaine wouldn't be with him, if he didn't find him at all physically attractive, but it's something that is pretty hard to actually believe in his bones. But now there is a hint of that believe planted, and even that is wonderful. He gives Blaine a smile that hopefully tells that he get's it and agrees, because suddenly he feels like he's done talking about this. He wants to savour the sudden, enticing feeling of being wanted, and not go to the awkward territory again.

Blaine seems to get it, and they start watching some movie instead. Somewhere along the way they start kissing, and then make out a bit, but it's nothing more than they usually do. It's a good feeling to know that, even though they just talked about it, there is no pressure to try anything more now - that it can be saved for some other day and moment when the feeling comes. It's good like this. And when they exchange their Christmas presents at the door just before Blaine has to leave, agreeing to open them together on Skype on Christmas day, Kurt suddenly realises, just how big a step today really was. The night was so deceivingly uneventful that it almost didn't register, but now it hits him in full force. They've found how to really communicate with each other, even with the more difficult subjects, and Kurt has learned to look past his own fears to see what other aspects there are to things, both with sex and with the photo shoot, and even though nothing is decided about the latter, and nothing new happened in regards to the former, a lot still changed.

* * *

**A/N:** Some awkward sex talk in the chapter. I think it was necessary though. I hope you enjoyed!

Also, the poem in the beginning is written by me, as will be anything else that Kurt (or someone else) might write in this story. As a general rule, if something is claimed to be written by a character of mine, it's written by me. As a little bit of background information, this story is my first foray to the world of prose, as opposed to poetry which I have been writing for at least ten years. I've never written poetry in English, though, so the things I write for this story might not be that good, but they'll have to do. :)


	19. 055-057

**Author's note:** My problem with this story is, that I feel like it's dragging a bit, but also, if I try to write it any faster paced, then it feels like I'm leaving out important things. I don't know. Does it feel dragging or too slow to you?

Anyway, thanks again for everyone who is reading and reviewing. I wish I could have more of those, because sometimes insecurity really is eating me, but I'm not going to beg for reviews, because often I don't feel like writing them either.. So this is just a small hint, but in no way a demand. :) I'm glad you're reading this, reviews or not!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own glee, or the characters from it. I'm just playing around.

* * *

**055 - Listen to Blaine, for once  
**

For the second time in a month, Blaine finds himself at home. The biggest difference is that Cooper is there too, so the attention of their parents is divided. It's mostly on Cooper, though, because he has recently got a role in a real movie, a fairly small one but a spoken role still. Initially, their parents had scoffed at Cooper's dream to become an actor and tried to force him to become something else instead. But eventually, when he didn't give up and moved to LA to pursue his dreams despite their parents' disapproval, they somehow figured out that his persistence was admirable, and as long as he eventually made it big, they supported it fully. Because, God forbid their child to be a failure, no matter what the field is. Cooper seems more than happy to hog all the attention that first evening, and Blaine is equally happy to let him, as he has no desire to talk about his courses and grades with them.

He's happy to keep from the subject of his studies, because that autumn he's spent quite a lot of time and effort on his and Kurt's project and because of that he hasn't spent as much time on some of his other, less interesting classes and hadn't gotten all A's for them. That doesn't mean he's done badly - he had still been well above average - but above average would never be enough for his parents, who are aware that he can do better. And, as much as he doesn't want to admit it, Blaine has always done everything to get their approval, and just the imagined version of them being disappointed and telling him that he should have known better makes him feel worthless and a failure. He's learned to live for himself and his own dreams during the years in Dalton and especially in New York, but with his parents he's still the same Blaine, who wants to be perfect in their eyes, even if their perfect is so far from what he himself believes 'perfect' means. With them he's still the Blaine who lives for the praise of his parents and fears the moment when he eventually fails too bad and their love is going to end.

He still hasn't told them about Kurt, either, and he's not sure if he even wants to. He has a strong suspicion that his parents have some criteria for a good boyfriend for their son, just like they have for the said son himself, and it's most likely not simply making their son happy. Blaine's going to keep the news about Kurt to himself as long as he can, as he doesn't want to hear their questions about whether Kurt's a good student or what his ambitions are when they should be asking how they met and how much Blaine adores him.

The first few days back Blaine meets his friends from Dalton, attends a dinner or two with some family acquaintances and relatives, and spends a lot time with Cooper, mostly listening to him talking about LA and his auditions, and giving Blaine acting tips. Blaine tries to remind that his performer days are over and he's studying to become a photographer, but Cooper somehow misses the memo. It's still nice to be with his brother, because no matter how self-centered and conceited Cooper might be and how much he believes Blaine could and should learn from him, he's never actually said he's dissapointed or made Blaine feel like a failure. He's strangely supportive, even if his way of showing it is a bit twisted. There was a time when Blaine believed Cooper didn't care about him, but they've grown closer lately and he's learned that Cooper doesn't really care whether their parents approve of him or not, and that when it comes to it, he's on Blaine's side.

On Christmas eve Blaine's parents finally turn their full, undivided attention to Blaine and he can't avoid the questions anymore. They ask him of his courses and grades, and Blaine is forced to tell them that he didn't get all A's this semester. He tries to pull attention to the fact, how well his creative photography class went and how much the teacher liked it, but he can't mention the possible exhibition as he doesn't know if Kurt will even agree to it yet, so it's definitely not enough to appease them. The explanation that that one course had taken time from the others is not helping his case.

"Blaine," his father's tone is admonishing, "you can do better than that. You should have learned by now how to divide your time so that you will get optimal results from all. I'm sure if you'd spent less hours for that class, you'd gotten better grades overall. Why would that one course be so important to you?" And of course his parents are unable to understand, what personal interest and being really excited about something means. They understand doing well in class because of wanting to succeed. The notion of doing more than is needed and sacrificing something else important because of personal enjoyment and inspiration goes over their heads.

And that's when Blaine starts to think of Kurt. Kurt, who had just recently decided to fight the world he fears to find a happier life, Kurt who had faced his fear of being ridiculed and told Blaine about all of his insecurities. Kurt who had been the sole purpose and inspiration of his project, and who had deserved all the undivided attention and extra work that Blaine had given their project, and would deserve much more. Kurt, who is so much more important than some stupid grades, that were more than good enough for Blaine anyway. Suddenly he's angry. He's angry and he wants defend himself and defend Kurt and defend the fact that there is other things more important in this life than school, and work, and grades, and getting far in life. And while he's felt this way before, this time the image of Kurt fighting to change the things that are wrong in his life is dancing in his head, and he wants to be that brave too. He wants to face his fears and know that Kurt will be there to believe in him even if his parents won't understand him. He wants to tell his parents his real opinion, for once, even if it's something they would not accept.

"That class and project was important to me, because I was helping a friend with it, we were making art together and making some of his dreams come true with those photos. It was important, because I loved the whole idea, it inspired me and I wanted to express myself and my feelings with it. It was important, because I had a chance to give something big to a friend and make a chance in his life, and because I enjoyed it and it made _my_ life better, more interesting and more exciting. It was important, because I found a person I really care for, a boyfriend, while doing it, and it made me _happy_. That's why it was important. Not because of grades, that frankly are good enough for me not to have to worry about them at all. Besides, I believe this project helped me learn about my future job much more than the other courses did, anyway." His voice has been somewhat calm and even controlled through the speech, even though he really wants to shout and scream. He can't do that, though. Even this has been more than he's ever dared to do, and he doesn't want to make his parents mad anyway, he just wants them to listen to him, for once.

"Blaine-" his mother starts, with a surprisingly kind voice, but Blaine can't face the rest now. Suddenly their disapproval seems way too much for him to bear. He knows he should, but he just can't stay and finish the conversation. He doesn't want to hear the disappointment that he already feels in his bones. And he can't deal with the boyfriend questions he knows would come as he accidentally let the news slip, either. So he gets up, mutters an apology and flies to his room. He immediately goes to open his computer and Skype, almost cries in relief when he sees Kurt online too, and calls him.

/

"Blaine, hi!" Kurt's face appears on the screen, so obviously happy to see him that Blaine feels instantly better. Despite the distance, Kurt is somehow more there than he's family has been the whole time.

"Kurt.." Blaine starts, and then pours out everything he just did, how he faced his parents like this for the first time in his life, how he went against their opinion and voiced his own. He tells how he let slip that he has a boyfriend now, and how he then escaped the scene, not being able to go through with it all. The last part makes him feel embarrassed and even more of a failure, and he doesn't dare to look at Kurt. But when he stops, Kurt says something he did not expect but desperately needed.

"Blaine, you did so well. I'm so proud of you!"

"But I ran…"

"And no one can blame you for that. I wouldn't have stayed either. It's ok to not do everything immediately… Just like I figured I cannot change everything in one day. It takes time. This was already such a huge step." Kurt's smile is brilliant and Blaine can feel the affection brimming through the screen to him. He almost says 'I love you' in that moment, before he realises that they are nowhere near that, yet.

"Thank you, Night sky.. You don't know how much I needed that," he says instead.

"I don't know, I might have and idea," Kurt smiles again.

"Do you want to open our present now?" Blaine blurts out then, suddenly not wanting to wait for Kurt's reaction to his present for one minute more. "I know we agreed to do it tomorrow, but…"

"Yess! Let's fo that!" Kurt shouts, excited, and Blaine suspects a big part of his enthusiasm is to make Blaine feel better, but he'll take it gladly. It feels good to let Kurt support and help him. Just like he's said before, he really needs Kurt too. They find their gifts, Blaine a small, long box and Kurt something, that is unmistakably a book.

"You first," Kurt commands. Blaine opens the gift to find a cute bowtie with black and white checker pattern. He instantly loves it, partly because it's cute and Blaine loves bowties, and partly because it's the first gift he's gotten from Kurt.

"Oh! It's great, thank you!" he gushes, and Kurt blushes.

"I know it's not much, I just thought it would look good on you, but it's ok if you don't like it…" Kurt rambles nervously, but Blaine's not having it.

"No, Kurt, seriously, it's perfect. Thank you," he says, firmly but with a big smile. Kurt seems to believe him this time.

"Ok. Good, then. You're welcome."

"Now, open yours," Blaine says impatiently. He can't wait for Kurt to see what he's gotten for him. He sees Kurt tear off the paper and Blaine can't see the book from the camera, but he can see how Kurt's eyes get misty as he takes in the cover.

"_Kurt's book of dreams_" Kurt reads, his voice quivering. Blaine sees Kurt's hands move as he slowly turns the pages, and looks at what Blaine knows are high quality copies of the photos for their project… and one extra, that Kurt has never seen. He knows the exact moment Kurt sees it, because his hand is suddenly on his mouth and he lets out a small gasp.

"Blaine.. but…I thought.. _how?" _he finally get's out.

"Oh, actually it was pretty easy. The guard from the Gershwin theater made me remove them, but he must not have known that with the right equipment and skills it's actually pretty easy to recover erased photos from the memory card. I had a friend of mine save them. I knew we couldn't use the photo of you singing on the stage for the actual project, because those photos are kind of illegal, but I wanted to give it to you as a memory… It's still a dream come true for you, and you deserved the proof of that. I would have told you that day, but then… things happened so it didn't seem the most important thing at the moment. So, I decided to make it a surprise, instead," Blaine explains.

"Oh, Blaine…" Kurt says, eyes still on the photo in his hands and a tear falling down his face. It's probably because he's holding a photo of himself on a real Broadway stage, mouth open and singing. He probably remembers the moment and is surprised because he didn't think he would ever see this particular photo, but Blaine hopes it's also because he's touched and happy of Blaine's present.

"So, what do you think?"

"I… Let's do it." Kurt let's out.

"Do what?" Blaine's confused.

"The exhibit, the extra photos, all that. Let's do it." Kurt raises his face to look at Blaine, and he's probably never seen Kurt so determined.

* * *

**056 - Giving a chance**

"The exhibit, the extra photos, all that. Let's do it." It's a spur of the moment decision when Kurt says it. Or rather, it's in that moment when his conciousness is made aware of the decision that had already been made. It had been coming to him slowly, the last few days. There hadn't been any one big thing that made him want to do it, until Blaine's gift and the shock of seeing the photo he thought had been lost and realising just what having it meant, but there had been small things, moments, flashes, conversations, that had pushed him on. Made him realise some things.

/

_His dad's arms around him are the only ones, except maybe for Blaine', lately, that have always felt like coming home and being safe. Touching other people is usually a thing he shies from, but here is the one exception to the rule. _

_"Welcome home, son! God, I'm glad to see you. It's like I haven't realised how big a hole there has been until you're here to fill it again." Burt says as he pats Kurt's back, and then pulls back. And there it is, again, the feeling of being wanted, and needed, and belonging. He's back home, and here is the only person who has ever made him feel like that… except Blaine, lately. It's a peculiar thought, that there is now an addition that starts with 'except'._

/

_"It's so nice that you're here to help me with this. I wanted to get the baking done early, so we'll have more time for other things later." Carole says 're making ginger breads and other kinds of cookies, and it's the first time Kurt has been alone with Carole since he got back home. _

_"Of course, no problem," Kurt smiles to her, feeling just the slightest bit awkward. It's not because of her, specifically, it's just the feeling he has when he's alone with almost anyone, even people he's close to, like Carole. It's not as strong then as it is sometimes, though._

_"So, how's Blaine? Tell me all about him!" Carole asks, playfully conspirational. It should not be surprising, but it still is, because it's a totally new kind of situation for Kurt, being asked to gossip about a new boyfriend with a mother figure (she's not his mother, but very close, all things considered). He starts a little unsurely, just giving short answers, but eventually, when he sees Carole's eyes light up as she practically eats up every little thing he mentions, Kurt relaxes and he ends up doing what he thought he would never be doing - gossiping and bordering on gushing at some points as he tells Carole all about Blaine. Unlike with his dad, he's not talking about any of the harder stuff, it's really just the silly little things that you think of when you're asked to tell about someone you really like, like that he has triangular eyebrows, or was in a Glee club In high school, or that he has the prettiest voice. He knows Carole probably knows a lot about the difficulties he and Blaine have had, but those are not what this conversation is about, at all. This is just him sharing his happiness with a person who is just as happy for him, lightheartedly sharing a good thing in his life with someone who supports him fully. And perhaps he has never really been that close with Carole, but in this moment Kurt truly feels how much she cares about him and his happiness… and it makes Kurt realise just how happy he is with his new life._

/

_"Hey, Kurt!" Finn's head peeks through his half-open door. "Wanna play some video games with me?" It's strange. Kurt has never played video games with Finn, hasn't ever been that close with him, even though they are step-brothers. Finn's betrayal at school might have a lot to do with it. But ,he's offering to spend time with him now, and it's something that hasn't happened before, so Kurt is intrigued enough to agree. They haven't ever really seen eye to eye and their high school lives had always been between them, but maybe the wall can be put down now that high school is over and life has changed for them both._

_"Cool!" Finn says, enthusiastic. They go to Finn's room and Finn puts Mario Kart on. Kurt's relieved, because Mario Kart is simple enough for a video game virgin like Kurt. They play a few rounds, not talking much, and Kurt realises he's actually somewhat enjoying it, even getting caught up in the game a few times, shouting at the screen when his kart falls off the road. _

_"You're different," Finn says suddenly._

_"How so?"_

_"You're happier, more open, you know.. I can't imagine you playing this with me before." Kurt can't imagine that either. But he's doing it now, and he likes it. He has made a lot of new realisations this semester and he's decided to change, but hearing Finn, the normally oblivious to fault Finn, notice and comment on it… it's means a lot._

/

_It's a late evening two days before Christmas, and he's sitting with just his father in the living room. They've been quiet for a while, watching something on tv that they both had agreed on but neither really cared about._

_"So how's New York?" Burt asks, which Kurt immediately translates to mean 'how are things with Blaine and how is your decision to change things going and how are you really feeling'. He doesn't mind his Dad asking, he's kind of glad he does, to be honest, because he wants to talk about the exhibit and what he should do about it. So, he tells his dad the whole thing and then asks for his opinion._

_"I think it's a great opportunity to Blaine and it could be good for you too, but I also think you don't owe it to him or any shit like that. If you don't want to do it, there's no reason to feel guilty over it. It's your decision, kiddo. But tell me, what really makes you opposed to it?"_

_"It's.. I don't know. The publicity, maybe? All of those secrets and dreams out there for anyone to see…"_

_"Is it because they are so sacred and personal that you want to keep them to yourself… or is it because you fear people wouldn't understand, and might laugh and ridicule you?" That makes Kurt stop. He had thought it was just the first, but now that it's laid in the open like that, he can't help but feel that the second thought is actually much more daunting than the first. He's not ashamed of the photos, or his dreams, per se. He thinks the photos are beautiful and they are important to him, and he might even want other people to see them, if he just could trust them to understand the meaning and importance the way he does. He doesn't answer, but even his silence seems to tell a lot to his dad._

_"Yeah.. It's a lot to think about. I'm not saying you should or should not do it. I'm just sayin' - really think about it, before you decide anything." _

/

"…What?" Blaine's face is almost adorably confused and disbelieving and hopeful at the same time. He looks like a puppy, who doesn't quite believe he's allowed to lick the candy on the Christmas tree. It makes Kurt giggle, such a foreign thing for him, but then, Blaine has made him do and feel a lot of foreign things. Like agree to have photos of him printed in A3-size to be hanged on the walls in a public library. He never thought he would actually agree doing this, no matter how much he hated the idea of putting Blaine down. But now, after hearing Blaine's bravery and how he had drawn his courage from Kurt, and seeing the photos they had made together and how wonderful it all looked, he feels like he wants to share it with people. He wants to share his dreams and Blaine's wonderful work with others, he wants to share the ideas behind them and how they can make you feel better just by looking at them. He doesn't want to keep them hidden, he wants people to see.

And more than that, he has realised during these few short days, how much he has already gotten, just deciding he wants to change. He wants to get better and be brave. Take risks even, to challenge the unknown to see what it has to give, just like the theme of Blaine's class project says. He wants to help Blaine and give him this opportunity, yes, but he wants it for himself too. It's not like he's any less terrified of the prospect than he was before, it's just that he's somehow learned to see past that to what could be. His dreams, that had been left alone on the pages of a book because they were too big and scary to really believe in, are now becoming true in the most surprising ways, because he gave them a second chance. He wants to give the world a chance, too. A chance to show that it's not always like in high school, and, if it is, then he can be strong enough to weather it. It's almost like a test: if he can do this, if some good things can come out of this, maybe he has already changed. Maybe the world has changed for him.

"You heard me," he smiles at Blaine, a little smug even, feeling proud that he's been able to make this decision. He's pretty sure he's going to second guess this, many many times, in the future, but at this moment he is sure. He wants to do this. He's proud to want it.

"Yeah, I just.. wow. Are you sure?" Blaine seems a bit overwhelmed, and Kurt guesses Blaine had never really thought Kurt would accept the offer, either. Him agreeing probably surprised Blaine more than it did Kurt.

"Yes." he says simply. Kurt explains Blaine some of his thoughts and some things that have happened during the holiday, and Blaine seems to accept it with increasing happiness, as he realises that Kurt isn't just doing this for Blaine. As they talk, Kurt sees how Blaine's initial distress slowly fades under the honest excitement he clearly feels about the exhibit, and it makes Kurt feel ridiculously good to know that he had the power and ability to make Blaine forget his troubles and bad feelings just like that. The feeling of being good for someone, being helpful and needed, is comforting. It feels like a promise for both of them, that they can and will be there for each other, that they can both become more than they are, with the other's support.

/

When they meet again, a few days after New Year, and spend the evening in Blaine's currently empty dorm room, another step is taken, in their relationship and in Kurt's path of changing his life. They spend their reunion kissing and refamiliarizing themselves with each other. Somehow the wandering hands creep over the previous boundaries, touching places they haven't before, finding their way under shirts and over bare skin, and it's all very tender, very careful, almost achingly slow, but eventually their shirts are lying on the floor and they're finding new, uncharted skin to feel under hands and lips. It doesn't lead to anything more; the sexual desire is there but it's not important in this moment. This is simply them making discoveries. It's them finding out new things about this other person they've learned to care about, seeing them in a new light and from another angle, in a way that is not so much unlike finding out new things about their personality and mind. It's beautiful and simple, and when it eventually leads them to pulling apart and breathing deep to settle their breaths and emotions, neither of them feels like they should have gone any further. This, too, was a promise, a start of a certain path they have decided to take.

* * *

**057 - Armour against the hurt**

Days go by quickly, and then weeks, and before they realise the spring semester is already started, the new courses have all begun and are settling down to routines. One day Blaine realises it's already the fourth week of January and he's not sure where the time has gone. Nothing special has happened, it's just been a slow time with not much schoolwork yet and a lot of time just spent together with Kurt as a couple and with their friends.

Kurt and Blaine had both noticed how Zach and Aino are together a lot, and they had found out after New Years that Aino had gone with Zach to his home in Pennsylvania to celebrate Christmas, as it would have been a bit too expensive for her to fly back to Finland for the holiday. He's asked Zach once, whether they are more than friends now, but Zach was adamant enough for Blaine to believe that nothing more is going on. They are just good friends becoming even better friends, which makes Blaine both happy and sad for those two. It's more and more obvious that they could easily be more than friends, both of their feelings are showing through, but he knows it won't be so simple for Zach, and thus not for Aino either, and he is in no position to tell Zach what he should do.

In any case, beginning of the school year has taken a lot of their attention, and Blaine realises they haven't done anything about the new photos for the collection yet. There is still a lot of time for it, as the exhibit is only going to be in the end of March, but Blaine wants to get started early so he'll have time to perfect the photos before it. It's also always possible that some shoots go wrong, so it's better to be ready too early than too late.

That's why Thursday morning, the last week of January, Blaine asks Kurt to have a cup of coffee before classes to start planning the next shoot. It's been a long time since Blaine has actually seen Kurt's notebook or talked about the dreams, even though he knows Kurt has been carrying the book around and occasionally crossing things out, if something new happens. It makes Blaine happy to know that he has helped some of Kurt's dreams come true, and not only the photo ones, but real life ones too. For example, before Christmas, when Kurt had let him go through the book for ideas, he had seen the dream number 61 (_I just want to kiss a guy on the lips_) striked through with a smiley face next to it, and he knew it hadn't been the first kiss outside the Gershwin theater, but he had made the dream true later, anyway. And there have been others, too, that Kurt's new found courage and confidence have made happen, like how the dream ' 57. _I want to make a new good friend I can trust_' is now crossed with the name Aino scribbled next to it. And now they are set to make some more happen.

"Hey," Blaine greets Kurt with a casual kiss on the cheek - which is still more than Kurt would have been comfortable with just a month or two ago, but doesn't even think about now. Small steps like this are almost too easy to not even register, but things have been going forward for them, in many ways, Blaine suddenly realises. They're slowly becoming more comfortable with each other, they trust each other more, and Kurt is getting better at telling his real feelings and letting Blaine in, even if he still sometimes has troubles with that. And they've taken some small steps towards intimacy, too, but it seems being completely naked is still a big stop sign for Kurt. But they have time, and it's good to remind himself now and then, how much the small changes really mean. They'll get there, eventually, Blaine's sure of it now. Sometimes he still has doubts about their relationship and whether it's really going to work, but these weeks have been just as much a reassurance for him as they've been time to take slow steps for Kurt.

"Hey, you!" Kurt smiles and sits down across from him. They take hold of each other's hands over the table without even thinking, and it's just another sign of moving ahead for Blaine, who is strangely aware of it all today. They talk about some random things first, before Blaine brings up the photo shoots. He sees how Kurt tenses almost imperceptibly at the topic, though he hides it well. It's not the kind of panic that Blaine would fear, but Blaine just hopes Kurt wouldn't feel the need to hide anymore, either.

"Are you ok?" he asks, trying to get the truth out of Kurt.

"Yeah.." Kurt starts, but when Blaine shakes his head just a little, he seemingly decides to go with the truth. Or at least more of the truth. "Well, I don't know. I know I promised to do this, but the whole exhibit thing is still pretty scary. I mean, some of those dreams are so silly and what if…" Kurt trails off, looking like he might have said more than he planned.

"What if what?"

"What if they think I'm stupid and pathetic.." Kurt's voice is small.

"They?"

"Just… people." Blaine moves around the table and sits next to him, pressing Kurt's head on his shoulder.

"Those dreams and photos are not silly and you are not pathetic, you know that right?" Kurt looks up at him then, with a weak smile.

"Yeah, I know. Or, I think I do."

"Well, why would you care about what 'people' would think then?"

"I just.. I don't want to be made feel like worthless again. I've had enough of that." The words made Blaine's heart quench uncomfortably. He wants to make it better.

"I'm pretty sure no one could find you weak and pathetic based on those photos and dreams. I'm pretty sure most people would see them exactly as what they are - you being braver than most of those people would ever dream of being." Blaine smiles down and he sees Kurt's face light up just a little, despite the tension still there. "And if some asshole doesn't see it.. well, then, this is a chance to learn that their misguided opinions don't matter and you don't have to let them get you down. Ok?"

"Ok." The smile accompanying the word is small but real.

/

They did eventually get to planning the next photo shoot, which is why they are now in one of the more forestry part of the Central park, Northern woods to be exact, currently covered in thin layer of snow, making the area look very much like a dream. The cloudy, cold day has kept a lot of people away, so they are able to find a place by the stream where no one is in sight and they can make the photo look fitting to be a fantasy forest for elves. Which is exactly what they need, as the dream for today is _'I want to be an elf and live in the forest forever'_, one of the earliest dreams in Kurt's book, written when his mother's health was slowly getting worse and dreams of being immortal had been a comfort. Also, some boys at school had been calling him names, and being a perfect and untouchable creature like an elf was also a comfort, a protective armour against the hurt.

The dream and Kurt's backstory for it had made Blaine fall in love with the idea of a beautiful, elvish Kurt with pointed ears, clad in forest green and looking all mystical and otherworldly. So, the Monday after making their plans, they find a perfect spot in the snowy central park, and Kurt takes off the thick long coat he has been wearing, to reveal an impossibly light forest green elvish outfit, a kind of tunic, with short sleeves and a hem down to his knees, a leather belt on his waist. The tight pants and boots he had been wearing transform to look like straight from a story book, when the long, fashionable jacket is changed to an elvish dress. It's way too light and thin for the wintry scene around, and they know Kurt will be shivering because of the cold in minutes, but it's worth it, because of the stark contrast between the snowy forest around and Kurt's lightly clad form, standing some distance away from the camera, looking into the forest with a calm, detached look. It's like the cold weather and snow have no effect on him at all, like he couldn't care less, whether it's cold or warm. Like it simply can't harm him. The lighting is easy for photographs, with no direct sunlight but still pretty bright, so it's not a difficult shot to take, at least technically. Blaine is fast, having had the settings of the camera perfected before Kurt started posing, and finding the perfect spot and angle before making Kurt strip the jacket. It only takes about five minutes to get the perfect shot. Which is very good, because Kurt probably wouldn't have lasted much longer.

They leave the park fast after that, walking to the nearest coffee shop they can find, to drink hot cocoa and get Kurt warm again, before taking the subway back to Kurt and Rachel's place. Blaine sits right next to Kurt and wraps his arms around him, rubbing his arms through the thick jacket. For once Kurt seems to be completely fine with the PDA, and Blaine suspects it's because the extra warmth is needed and welcome. They sit there a while, Kurt sipping his cocoa and Blaine holding him, just feeling this moment together, when no words are needed. They've been doing something special together, and now they are taking the comfort of the other's body and just feeling the other's precense. It's perfect, even if it's nothing special at all.

"I wish I could take my jacket off... I think your body heat would work much better that way." Kurt mock complains, but makes no attempt to move.

"Why don't you?" Blaine asks, momentarily confused.

"Well… I don't think my outfit is very coffee shop appropriate," Kurt answers dryly, but amused.

"Oh.. yeah," Blaine lets out a small laugh. The mental image of that otherworldly mythical Kurt he had just captured on film drinking hot chocolate in the middle of a busy coffee shop in central New York is pretty absurd. "Better keep the jacket on, after all." he chuckles. "Do you want to go back?"

"Let's stay just a little while more.. I don't want to go back to the cold yet," Kurt says with a tiny whine of protest in his voice. Blaine finds it utterly adorable, and he thinks that somehow, in this moment, they are more together than they have ever been. It's so seemingly normal, just a couple sipping their drinks in a coffee shop, cuddling as close as is appropriate in a public place. But it's also so much more. They have their own secret, hidden from other's eyes, the strange outfit Kurt is wearing and there's their photo project together, which is something only they share. It's relaxed and simple and thoughtless, with no hidden worries or tension. Until their perfect little moment of peace is broken in the cruelest possible way Blaine could imagine.

Kurt's phone beeps to inform him of a new email. He opens the phone to see who it is from, and Blaine can feel the exact moment when Kurt's whole being crashes down, as he reads the sender's address. Kurt freezes, and then moves first away and then toward Blaine, as if he doesn't know if he wants to run away and hide, or bury himself in Blaine and hide. Blaine takes the phone from Kurt's hand, which is surprisingly easy considering how white Kurt's knuckles are from gripping the device so tightly. He reads the name of the sender, and suddenly he has no trouble understanding Kurt's reaction.

"David Karofsky," he reads out loud.

* * *

**A/N:** That's it for this week. I hope you enjoyed! And are not too mad about the small cliffie.. :)


	20. 058-060

**Author's note:** 20 chapters, and 100 000 words. I never planned this story to go this far, but I'm quite glad it did. :) A huge thank you for all of you who reviewed and gave me advice and encouragement! It was desperately needed and I'm grateful.

In this chapter, I tried to go with your advice and my instincts, so it's a bit more fast paced, mostly in the sense that it jumps in time and only focuses on the really important parts of their lives. It's also because I think they've reached the point, where they need time to go through the last of the still hanging issues, but their daily life is not so important to address anymore. I hope I managed to still keep their emotions in the focus in the same way this story has before.

This chapter is important, and also risky, from a writer's point of view. I hope I wrote this well enough so that you all can understand the reasons why things go the way they do in this chapter. If you have questions or concerns about anything, please tell me!

This chapter also contains the closest thing to smut that this fic is ever going to get, which is one of the scenes that earns the M rating. But I hope you've all realised by now that the rating of this fic is set according to the rules of this site, and there's not going to be any real adult content. I have absolutely nothing against smut, but I'm not confident that I could write it in a way that would honor the boys, and frankly, I just don't want to write it. I don't think this fic needs it, either, and if you've read this far, I'm pretty confident you're not here to only find some smut to read. ;) Anyway, consider this a** warning**, if you don't like any kind of mentions of sex or nakedness or whatever of the sort between two consenting males.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or it's characters, nor do I own Jääsilmä, the book on which Eyes of Ice is based on. This chapter has some direct quotes from it, just translated, so I felt the need to mention it.

* * *

**058 - I'm not going to forgive you**

Kurt feels like he's drowning. Sinking below the surface. Losing sight of the world he had just recently found, and falling back to the Kurt he was before he got out of Ohio and then out of the quiet corner between shelves 225 and 226. He's not sure how to breathe - that's probably why it feels like under water. The only thing is Karofsky's name, staring at him on his phone, pulling him down like a hand around his ankle. Then he feels arms tighten around him, impossibly pulling him up, standing.

"Let's get you home, ok?" And there it is, something to hold on to.

/

_from: David Karofsky _

_to: Kurt Hummel_  
_date: 2013-01-28, 17:32_

subject: Hi.

_Even as I write this, I realise you probably don't want to hear anything from me, but if you are still reading, thank you. I'm writing to you to say that I'm sorry. I'm not asking you to forgive me, or even answer me, although it would make me relieved. I just want you to know that I regret what I did and said to you back then. I hope you know I never really meant it, when I said I would kill you, I was just a scared boy. Saying it was still wrong, and I apologise. I wish you could understand me. I was so scared of being outed, I had no idea what was going on with my head and my body, and I had all those urges and all the disgust towards myself, and I just lost myself in the process. I'm not proud of it, but that is what happened. I wasn't brave like you, so I stayed hidden and bullied others to keep myself safe._

_You might wonder, why I'm writing to you now. I've been in therapy, and I went there on my own accord. I knew I needed it. It was hard to admit, and I'd probably never have done it, but I found a guy in college, and he's perfect, and he's taught me to accept myself, and that I need to face my past. My therapist never told me to write to you, in fact she said I shouldn't bother you any more, but I wanted to. I wanted to, because I remember how I left things with you. The last thing I said to you was that I would kill you, and I don't want to leave you with that. I want to leave you with me saying that you didn't deserve the things I did and I'm sorry. I really am._

_That's all._

_I wish you all the best._

_Dave_

/

He has read the letter for what has to be at least ten times. Nothing is clearing up, no matter how many times he goes through it. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know if he should be happy, or be angry, whether he should forgive him or hate him even more for sending the email. He doesn't know if he wants to answer or not, and if he would answer, he has no idea whether it would be to say 'thank you' or 'go to hell'. He doesn't know if he should still hold on to the fear or let it go now. He doesn't even know how he could believe Karofsky, no matter how sincere he sounds. He doesn't know anything. Absolutely nothing at all.

He lets the phone drop on the bed beside him and finally the tears come. He is still drowning,but this time it's more to the feeling of not understanding, of not even wanting to understand what this means to him, what this means to his feelings, to his future, to his past. It's not the same horrible feeling of losing himself as it was when he had seen the sender but not yet read the message, but it hurts just as much. It's just as suffocating. He cries for a long time, for the boy who feared for his life for months, years even, as his bully went on with his life and apparently learned to _accept himself_. He cries for the boy who learned the lesson of never defending himself so well, just to hear that his teacher now admits to being wrong. He cries for the boy, who suffered through so much, just to earn a casual apology by email.

It's almost worse than no apology at all, because the email makes his bully a human being, who is capable of forgiving himself and becoming a better person, when Kurt has been left with mere scraps of his own self to work with. He cries, and it's more painful than anything else that has happened during the last months. It's more acutely painful than even the thought of losing Blaine had been, because at least he had had Blaine once, and if he lost him, it would have been because of his own doing, or because things just didn't go like they were planned to go. But this… this feels like he has lost himself, anf a big part of it has been because of Karofsky and what he's done, and now he's expected to decide whether he can forgive that or not. He doesn't want to make that decision, but now he has no options. Karofsky has changed himself from a monster to a human being, and now Kurt has to decide whether he can be a good enough person to be able to forgive, or to refuse to forgive and hold on to the hurt. He _hates_ Karofsky for it.

But it's also good, hate is good, it's a feeling that is not aimed to hurt and diminish himself, it's a feeling that protects. This is the kind of painful, that makes him feel sorry for the boy he has been and still is, and makes him understand that the hurt wasn't all his fault, It makes him want to tell that boy, himself, and others, that he doesn't have to always be so broken. Even if what he is doing now is grieving, and it hurts like hell, grieving also means he has accepted, that there are things he has lost and that it's not all his fault or because he's weak or pathetic, but because the world is unfair and cruel and things happened to him for no justifiable reason at all. He doesn't understand, but he's starting to realise it's good that he doesn't, because now he doesn't understand why he had to endure the bullies and the hatred and the betrayals. There is no explanation anymore, no words telling him how he is just stupid enough to deserve it, or it's because he's too weak to fight back. There is simply no reason for him to understand and accept.

And then there is Blaine, silently offering him a glass of water. Kurt knew that he had never left, but his presence hadn't been important enough to register until now, because his hatred and grieving is for him only. But now Blaine is there and he can take the water and drink it, and it's enough to tell Blaine that Kurt is glad he's there, and tell Kurt that Blaine is always going to be there, if Kurt needs him to. Kurt doesn't need Blaine for more, not yet, because he needs to go through his thoughts. But knowing he's there, somewhere, never leaving far, is good.

And suddenly it's just a bit more clear to him again. He's breaking the surface, and the storm is still raging, but at least he can breathe. He can breathe, because he has himself, he has his future, he has Blaine and others who are there for him and believe in him, and what is most important, he has endless new days to prove that he really has grown back from that skeleton of a human Karofsky and others reduced him into. Karofsky had no right to write that email to him and he hates him for it. But what he hates even more is the way he had needed those words to finally feel this overwhelming sense of relief and being safe , being worthy of safety even. He hates it, because he doesn't want to need anything from _him_. He doesn't want to need anything from the guy who hurt him so badly. Karofsky does not deserve the possibility to make Kurt feel better in any way. That's a job for people like Blaine. And hate, hate is such a healing emotion, when, for once, it's not directed to himself. He revels in it.

It takes a while, but then he finally raises his hand from the little ball he has wrapped himself, and Blaine is just immediately there, taking a hold of it, even though Kurt hasn't even raised his head yet. God, how good it feels to let someone in. Someone who has earned the right, proved himself worth the trust. He pulls Blaine towards him, and Blaine wraps himself around Kurt so fast that Kurt has no doubt Blaine has been wanting to do it all this time and only not having Kurt's invitation had kept him away. Blaine's arms are tight around him, and he's glad he has them now. The grief is his only, but the recovery is for Blaine and him together. It's time to accept the help.

/

Two days later Blaine finds Kurt wrapped in a blanket on his bed, once again immersed in his favourite book. He's read it from cover to cover during after Karofsky's email, and now he's absently thumbing the last page. He's been staring at it for fifteen minutes, lost in thought.

"What are you reading?" Blaine asks, though he obviously has no doubts of the answer. Kurt just shows him the cover and shuffles to the side to make some space for Blaine to sit beside him.

"You know how much I've relied on this book," he waits for Blaine's 'mhm' before continuing. "But I'm not sure if I believe in all of it anymore."

"What makes you feel that?" Blaine's voice is intrigued.

"This ending. How the old king and the ex-commander of his army just forgive their worst enemy, when he apologizes, saying that they've all done different things for the same reasons. The only differences in their actions are because they had different situations, different opportunities. The pirate stole and killed, because otherwise his people would have died of Commander killed his enemies to keep their country and his family safe. The King made others do it, because he had the chance to. It's the same survival instinct in everyone. But I don't know." A long silence. "Me and Karofsky.. the way he described himself earlier, it was like he was describing me, a scared and confused boy, but he had the option of staying in the closet. I didn't. I don't want to think I would have been like him if I had his life. But I'll never know, either." A deep breath. "But it doesn't give him the right to get my forgiveness. I admire the king in the book, but I won't be him. Maybe I should, but I can't, and I don't want to."

Blaine puts his head on Kurt's shoulder, and the weight feels like home. It feels like acceptance.

"I think I will write him back, though. Not for his benefit, but for mine." Blaine hums in acknowledgement. Blaine already told him before, that this is Kurt's decision to make, so he won't say anything, whatever Kurt chooses to do or feel. He'll just be there, no matter what. And it's everything Kurt could ever ask from him.

/

_from: Kurt Hummel_

_to: David Karofsky _  
_date: 2013-01-30, 20:12_

_subject: Re: Hi._

_I don't think you ever had the right to write to me, but I'm glad you did. Not because you told me you're sorry, but because you made me realise that I'm not afraid of you anymore. I'm not going to forgive you, no matter how much you might hope it. But I'm going to forget what you did and said to me. I'm going to forget you. I hope you'll learn to get past it all and forgive yourself, even if I'm not going to. I hope you'll have a good life with the guy you love. But don't contact me again, because I don't want to remember you anymore._

_Kurt_

/

He feels it, now. The storm is fading, so slowly you can't even fully register it yet, only sense it in your bones, but it's calming down and he's still afloat. He's still hanging on.

When Blaine asks to borrow The Eyes of Ice from him, he doesn't even ask why.

* * *

**059 - Who is this person?**

"Hi, Blaine, honey!"

"Hi, mom. How're you?"

"Fine, I'm fine. And you, how's everything in there?"

"You know, school and friends… not too busy yet. All's good."

"Sounds nice. And.. and how's Kurt?"

"… He's good as well, thank you."

"That's good. And how are the photo shoots going?"

"Slowly, but it's still very good. Kurt is a wonderful model."

"I'm sure. And you two are still.. are happy together?"

"As happy as ever. "

"…Good. I'm glad to hear that."

"…Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you asked. About me and Kurt. Honestly."

"I'm just glad you are happy. We can be a little superficial sometimes, and.. well, in any case, you're happy and that's what matters."

"Thanks, mom."

"Have a nice day, honey. We love you."

"You too. And I love you too. Bye."

They're trying. Both Blaine and Blaine's parents are trying, especially his mom. After the talk on Christmas eve, they had never addressed Blaine's speech directly, and there were no apologies involved, but it almost felt like one, when Christmas morning during breakfast his mom asked him to tell about Kurt and how long they'd been together, and neither Kurt's nor Blaine's studies were mentioned. Blaine had told them about the exhibit, and though they had been excited about it, they had remembered to ask Blaine about the theme of his project and to show them the photos, and they had told him that Kurt was a handsome boy. They hadn't even asked to meet him, like they might have before, implying that they want to determine whether he's good enough for their son.

And now, when occasionally his mother calls, she has stopped asking too much about school and instead, starting to ask about his friends, or Kurt or his project. The calls are short, stilted and awkward, but also for the first time Blaine lets himself believe that she's calling because she really cares, not only to check on him. Even if they have no idea how to communicate, it's still better. Partly it's also because Blaine has allowed himself to see behind his resentment now that he can sense his parents are trying as well, and it's like they are trying to find a middle ground together. They're getting on, if not the absolute right one, then at least a better track.

/

It's been exactly one week since the day Kurt got an email from Karofsky, five days since Kurt had written him back. Blaine feels something has changed, something fundamental, something really big. And it's good. Those first few days were painful to watch, but after Kurt's answered the email, he changed. It's like Kurt had somehow decided he's not afraid of certain things any more. It doesn't mean he's suddenly doing everything he didn't before, of course not, but it's like there's some sort of inner courage, even confidence, that hasn't been there before. It's subtle, almost unnoticeable, but it's there, it goes deep and it is growing.

One of the things he's getting more brave with, now, seems to be intimacy. They had even got off together once, clothes on, but still. It had been wonderful. And when Blaine had asked about it, afterwards, Kurt had said that he won't let the fear Karofsky had made him feel to control himself anymore. He said what Karofsky had done had made him fear his own body and anything sexual, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with it, if it causes someone to act that way towards him. But, he continued, he doesn't want to be that way, and he knows now he doesn't have to. Kurt had said he wants to have it all with Blaine, eventually, and he doesn't want to just wait any longer.

And Blaine might have been doubtful, he might have wondered if this is just a repeat of last November,if Kurt's going back to denying things again, but Kurt's eyes had this fierce determination in them, rapidly taking place from the fear. He can see the fear is not gone, nowhere near to being won, but Kurt seems to simply refuse to give in to it any longer. He's challenging it, and this time Blaine believes it's purely for himself. It's like Karofsky's little letter had managed to pull all the defiance and rebellion Kurt had ever had on the surface. And it's almost funny, how a thing that had the potential to destroy practically everything has now turned out to be the one thing Kurt had needed to find some forgotten fighter from inside himself. But then again, Kurt is always full of surprises.

Just how big Kurt's surprises can be only becomes clear that Monday afternoon,tough, merely one week after the email and the rock bottom, when they do the next photo shoot in professor Kerry's office.

/

"I still think it's not even a real dream. It doesn't even start with the 'I want' phrase, or have a number." Kurt's voice is not serious enough for Blaine to think he doesn't want this, even though he's complaining.

"Yeah, well, you wrote it in your book so it's good enough for me." A slightly mischievous smile.

"It was written in the marginal! And with a cursive! That's my high school doodling for you. Not a dream," Kurt huffs.

"_One day you'll all work for me_" Blaine recites the dream for Kurt's benefit. "Maybe it's not in the dream form but the subject matter certainly qualifies," Blaine argues. "And, as it's pretty unlikely that all of the people you meant with it are actually going to work for you, it also qualifies to the impossible-to-make-happen category."

"Yeah, well, it's just something I wanted to say to the guys who threw me in the dumpster that first day of school, but never dared to actually say out loud. I just needed to get it out somehow." Blaine's heart twists just a little at how carelessly Kurt mentions such a cruel little tidbit from his memories. It's an ugly memory, and still it's not bad enough to hurt Kurt when he talks about it, because he's gone through much worse. Blaine doesn't say anything, though, because today is about making things better, just these shoots have always been, and Blaine doesn't want to ruin it by commenting when he doesn't have to.

"Well, now it's time to make it happen!" Blaine smiles instead. Kurt smiles back, and if it's a little tentative, it's still very real. "So take off your jacket, and get your ass on the chair!" Blaine makes a show of getting his camera out and ready. Kurt goes to sit on Theresa's comfortable-looking leather office chair, and raises his brown leather boots to cross his ankles on the antique desk. He rests his elbows on the armrests in a relaxed way that screams royalty, and takes the kind of facial expression that says 'I have the power to screw you all, and I'm just sitting here pondering, if it might strike my fancy to do so'.

Theresa's office is perfect for the shoot, because she has a really quirky sense of both design and humour, so she's decorated the room as if it's the office of a CEO from the 50's, not a young college professor. There's the huge antique mahogany desk, and the old typewriter on top of it, which usually is pushed aside so her laptop fits, but is now positioned in the middle. The walls are panelled, the book shelves made of dark wood, and there's even an old phone on the wall, the kind that has a separate receiver for your mouth and ear. With the thick red curtains pulled half over the windows the place is dimly lit and looks like the epitome of overly posh - and thus perfect for their shot.

Kurt is not dressed in a suit from 50's though - instead he has one of his more out there outfits on, with leather boots, skinny jeans and a long knitted sweater with what seems tens of zippers crisscrossing on it and a matching scarf to finish the look. His hair is done immaculately. The contrast between his modern outlook and the retro room just makes the effect of Kurt's utter superiority even stronger, as if no rules apply to him. It's a wonderful sight to see. Blaine has always wondered how the shy and timid Kurt always seems to forget he's anything like those adjectives during their photo shoots, always transforming perfectly into whatever role he has, but Blaine's starting to learn that somehow it's those are just glimpses of the real Kurt coming through - the Kurt that is brave, and ready for a challenge, and one hell of an actor.

After twenty minutes and 321 photos, Blaine is pretty sure he's got one of the master pieces of his exhibit. It might be because the photos are just that good, or because Kurt's look of superior confidence is breath taking, but Blaine's is not going to question it. "Were done!" he tells Kurt with a grin. He expects Kurt to transform back to his normal self, usually even more bashful after leaving whatever role he's been playing, but this time it doesn't happen. Kurt raises from the chair exaggeratingly slowly and walks towards Blaine, his haughty expression turning into a hungry glimmer and a dangerous smirk - _and what the hell is going on? Who is this person? _It's like a new track is playing on their imaginary boom box, and Blaine completely missed the change of the CD.

Then Kurt is in front of him, staring him in the eye in a way that almost scares him, and then says, with the utmost confidence his current character carries: "I'm ready."

"F-for what?" Blaine is feeling flustered, and he really wants to know _what is going on, _because whoever this is, it's certainly not Kurt. Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine's neck and leans forwards, and it's all so so slow, and then presses himself tight against Blaine, his smirk never leaving. Then his lips are brushing Blaine's ear as he whispers "Sex."

"What?"

"You heard me." Kurt's whisper is sultry and full of hunger, and it's so extremely foreign - and so _fucking_ hot, too - but still so foreign it's unsettling, and Blaine doesn't know how to react. He's just waiting for the moment when the reality crashes and Kurt realises what he's doing and panics, or freaks out, or gets scared, runs away, or something like that, because that would make so much more sense, and Blaine can so easily see it happening in his head, based on all of his experiences with Kurt. He waits, and a few seconds go by in slow motion, but it doesn't happen.

Sure, Kurt pulls away, and the seductive devil is gone without a trace, but Kurt is certainly not panicking either. He's looking down, and his cheeks are red with embarrassment, but there's a small smile playing around his lips, as if the whole thing is funny too, and then he lets out an honest laugh. Kurt freaking laughs, and it's, if possible, even more alarming than the Kurt from ten seconds ago, because that was an act but this is almost scarily real. Kurt is really laughing, after saying something like that, and - wait, _did Kurt just say he wants to have sex?_

"Did you just say you want to have sex?" Blaine blurts, stupidly. It's like he's lost all his rational thinking, but who could blame him? And now Kurt is more himself again, blushing madly and shuffling and awkward, and Blaine's almost relieved.

"Yes?" It's like a question. "I don't.. I didn't really mean _everything_, like.. well, you know, but I want to try something more, and… and.. and I didn't know if I would ever dare to actually say that out loud without the role." he ends, awkwardly, but there's still the small smile hiding on his lips.

_Oh._ That actually makes sense, in some twisted way. And then - _OH, Kurt wants to… ok. Ok._

"Did the role make you feel good, then?" he smiles, voice light, to lessen the nervousness in the air that's coming from them both.

"Yeah.. yeah, it actually did." Kurt's smile turns both wide and very bashful at the same time. "I felt like I could do anything. So I did." For a brief second he looks like he wants to run around in circles or something, to let out the exhilaration of that feeling. Then the reality of his actions seems to finally really catch with him, and the smile vanishes and he looks suddenly very scared and unsure again.

"I.. God, it was too much, wasn't it? I was stupid, and I probably looked so stupid, it _was,right?_ So _stupid_-"

"No, it was not" Blaine says firmly. Then his smile grows playful. "It was hot." And Kurt's blush is really quite pretty, now that it's because of the good kind of bashful embarrassment again. "But are you really sure?" he asks, before he'll lose track of his thoughts again.

Kurt bites his lip. "Yeah, I am.. or, like I said, not _everything_, but…More. Something."

He knows Kurt's confidence might not last, but if he feels like he's ready for more, then Blaine will do his best to make it as perfect and comfortable for Kurt as he can. He already has a plan. He just needs to go and read some parts of The Eyes of Ice again, to make sure he gets it right.

* * *

**060 - Don't be afraid**

It's an exceptionally warm day for early February, as Kurt walks towards his apartment, and Kurt is second guessing what he's about to do soon for the millionth time. When he said he is ready, he meant it, and he still means it. But being ready does not mean he has gotten rid of all his fears, it just means he's got to the point that Aino once described to him as the desire is growing stronger than the fear. It had happened. After his talk with Aino, Kurt had wanted to do something more, slowly getting a taste of physical intimacy and it was delicious, it was wonderful, but there had always been something, that stopped him before getting completely naked or going all the way to mutual orgasms.

The truth is, it wasn't his fear of unknown and being vulnerable that stopped him - those feelings were there and still are, but they could be overcome if he just faced them, and in many ways he already has. But there had been something more. After Karofsky and his unwanted advances, Kurt had felt this horrible fear that Karofsky was going to come back one day, and if Kurt ever enjoyed anything resembling sex, he would know and find him. It wasn't rational, his first ideas of sex were just so deeply connected to the shame and fear he felt about Karofsky. And also, he had felt dirty, like Karofsky's had tainted him with his actions, so that if he ever was with someone in that way, he would infect the others, or worse, they could somehow see Karofsky on him and then think he wasn't worth their trouble. Intimacy, and especially someone else touching him and seeing all of him, had become interlaced with his emotions about Karofsky. Karofsky had never even gotten that far, but he had seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice, that Karofsky wanted it, and that was bad enough. And so, Karofsky had always been there, when sex was involved, whether in a discussion or thought or dream or real situation. And Kurt had never actually realised it - until it was gone.

And though Kurt absolutely hates the fact that Karofsky had held so much power over him, he realises that it's gone now only because of Karofsky's email and apology… Not because he needed to hear the apology, but because he had said he's not going to come after him, and he has someone else he seems to love, so he won't be lusting after Kurt anymore. He had been already getting much closer, and half shedding his other fears, but the fear of Karofsky finding him had been there to stop things. But now he doesn't need to fear that anymore, and somehow, the stain of his bully was gone as the monster himself had dissolved into a mere human, capable of regret. So, now there are only those fears left that he can handle and trusts Blaine to handle as well, and suddenly sex isn't such an impossible thought anymore. It sounds something really wonderful, something he wants, even if it's still scary as hell too. But being afraid of your first time isn't so bad, he thinks. It's normal.

Blaine had told him this morning, that he would be there when Kurt comes home, and he has a surprise for him, something he thinks will help make Kurt comfortable. He had also said that no matter what he has prepared, it doesn't mean anything has to happen, it's just a way to try. Blaine got Rachel to stay away too, so there is no worry about being interrupted, either. He has no idea what Blaine's plans consist of, but to be honest, alongside all these doubts about whether he will be able to go through with it, he's also really intrigued.

When Kurt enters their apartment, he sees Blaine's shoes and jacket and knows he's there somewhere, even though Kurt can't see him. It's comforting, somehow. Then he sees a plastic bag on the table, with a letter attached to it.

_'Night sky, I'm glad you're here. You told me you were ready to try something more, so here we are. I never want you to be scared while you're with me, so I wanted to give you some familiarity to ward off the unknown just a little. But please know, you can back out at any moment. Everything you do, you do only because you want to. You probably don't understand what is going on yet, but you'll see very soon. Just wear the outfit in the bag and come to meet me. Yours, Blaine. :)'_

He opens the bag and finds a white, ancient Greek style white tunic. It's just a light, silky fabric that you put on by tying it around your waist with a belt and then connect the two parts together with two clasps on your shoulders. It's absolutely pretty, and also really weird, all things considered. He wears it anyway, because there must be a reason, and he wants to see it.

When he comes out of the toilet with the tunic on, he notices the lights have been turned off. The only source of light inside the apartment is a small flickering light coming from behind the curtain separating his bed from the apartment, and he knows that's where he's supposed to go. It's somehow exciting, it's like he's entered some other reality, a reality that isn't as scary as the real one, because it's a dream and it's safe. He moves the curtain and stops to take in the sight. He sees his bed, stripped and changed to white cotton sheets and plush pillows. He sees a single, old fashioned oil lamp, set on the floor next to the bed. He sees Blaine lying on the bed, eyes closed and completely naked, no covers on him. His own tunic.

Kurt's breath hitches as he recognises the scene. It's like an avalanche of emotions, the sudden understanding, and the wonderful feeling of knowing just how well Blaine gets him. Of course he knows what this is, there is no way he could not, because he has read this countless times in the battered pages of his old copy of Eyes of Ice, imagining that maybe some day he could have a beautiful moment like that with the love of his life. This is the scene from the end of the book, where Oosa finally decides Verraka is worthy of her and gives in to the love that they both have felt for over ten years. It's the scene where Oosa secretly walks into the sleeping Verraka's bedroom and wakes him up. It's the scene where they finally open their hearts, where they bare each other's souls and then bodies. It's the scene Kurt has always gone to, when he has been insecure, and scared of love and the ideas of the physical side of it, scared of the unknown. And lately he's been that a lot.

Kurt knows the scene by heart, and he knows what would happen next. He also knows that this isn't just role play. It has nothing to do with playing. This is Blaine giving him a chance to know exactly what is going to happen if he chooses to continue, a script to follow if he's unsure, and an easy way to back down, if it feels too much. It's also Blaine giving Kurt the position to keep control of the scene, to go to Blaine if he so chooses. It's all to make him feel less vulnerable.

He walks to the bed slowly, and sits down next to Blaine's naked form. He thinks that logically Blaine's nakedness should make him feel flustered and awkward, but somehow it doesn't, because it's all part of the scene, it's just a part of what makes this familiar and safe. He knows Blaine is not really sleeping, it's just an act. Blaine's following every detail of the book. It's beautiful. He watches Blaine for a while, and _Blaine _is beautiful, inside and out. And _God_, his body looks mesmerizing in the flickering light of the lamp, and he has time to just look, because Blaine is supposedly sleeping and it's Kurt's decision when or if he wakes him.

"Don't be afraid, you can't see in the dark like me and my tribe can, but it's just me." Kurt whispers the exact words from the book, putting his hand lightly on Blaine's arm. To be honest, it feels a little awkward, but it's somehow good, still. Kurt waits for the fears to come, but they're silent still. Blaine smiles at the words, like he knows exactly what they are, and slowly opens his eyes.

"How did you get the soldiers to let you in? They have strict orders not to let anybody in without my permission," he asks confused, continuing with the script. Kurt's heart flutters a little as he hears Blaine repeating the words from his favourite book by heart. But the rest of the script is not important, Blaine is. The whole thing is so weird and also weirdly beautiful. The fears have all somehow settled at the very back of his head. He has no time for them at the moment.

"Blaine, how…how did you _know_? To choose this scene.." A pause. "And shouldn't I be lying there with my fears and uncertainty and you the one who comes to me?" he asks, trying for a joke, but coming out insecure anyway.

"Oh, no, Night sky," Blaine smiles, "it had to be like this. It had to be you who decides he wants to do this. It had to be you deciding _I_ was worth it. It had to be you telling me why you want this, you explaining why you trust me, why we both can let go of our fears and find each other this way." Blaine's voice is so caring that it almost hurts. How can anyone be this perfect for him, he doesn't know. How could anyone be more worth this, he has no idea. And now, he knows that according to the script it's his turn to make Blaine believe this is what he wants. And, he suspects, Blaine needs the reassurance just as much as he does.

"Blaine, I… You are so good to me. You've helped me so much, and I think if there is one person I could trust like this, it's you. Yes, I have no idea what I'm doing and it's scary as hell too, but this is what I want. You are what I want." he says, softly but with determination. Despite saying he's scared, Kurt is almost unsettled at how okay he feels about this, because it really does feel right. He wants to at least try, because how could he not? He wants to touch and feel, taste even, and Blaine is just there, so beautiful and confident, and suddenly it's no longer so clear to him why he should fear this. He feels a bit out of place, maybe, but nothing close to wanting to leave.

"Are you sure?"

"Well. If you know me well enough to do this scene for me… I don't think you could go wrong with the rest." he says, perhaps a little more lightly than he feels.

Blaine grins back and rises to sit next to him. Kurt had almost forgotten that Blaine is naked for a moment, but now he is reminded of it again. And just like that, the awkwardness and embarrassment are there again, and he feels flustered and like he should look away, but there's no real fear. Instead, a strong sense of desire is slowly creeping into him, because honestly, he's in bed with a naked Blaine and it's pretty awesome. Blaine kisses him softly and lets his hands wander to the small clasps on his shoulders. He raises his eyebrows in a question and Kurt gives a tiny smile and nods. They have been shirtless before, after all.

Blaine lets the fabric fall from his shoulders and presses his hand over Kurt's heart and then looks at him in the eyes. "You are so beautiful, Kurt. Perfect in every sense that matters." Kurt shivers against the touch and can't help the tiniest of moans getting out. He's so glad Blaine just said that, because he's dangerously close to feeling insecure about himself, but it's like Blaine just knows. Kurt thinks he could not possibly want Blaine more if he wanted to, in that moment. He could be so insecure, and he is, because he still has no idea what he's doing, but Blaine is too wonderful, too beautiful for him to really dwell on it. Blaine's looking at him, eyes so dark and full of the desire he can't hold back, and Kurt can't help but to feel it too. He wants him just as much.

"It's good that you didn't open your belt. I'll do it gladly. I have done it in my dreams so many times." Blaine recites Verraka's words, laughing at them a little, because somehow they are exactly what he thinks. When he gets the leather belt open, the light flowy fabric is suddenly just gone, slithering on the bed beneath him. And yeah, _this _is the scary part, and Kurt thinks he should freak out right about now, he can feel it in his bones as the knee-jerk reaction trying to come out, but there really is no reason to. There is nothing that isn't ok in this moment.

* * *

**A/N:** Phew. *wipes sweat of her forehead* I really do hope you liked it. :)


	21. 061-063

**Author's note:** Hey guys! :) Thank you for all the reviews that this story has got, also you anons who I can't thank personally!

I've pretty much planned out the rest of the story now, and it's going to be three more chapters plus the epilogue now. So, if there is anything you're still wondering about, something you'd want to read more about, or something you think hasn't been handled properly yet and should be, now would be the time to point them out to me. I've tried my best to not leave any plot twists not followed through, but I might have forgotten something, or just thought it wasn't important, so please tell me if there is anything! It would help me and probably make this fic a lot better. :)Go on and read! I hope you are still enjoying it!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

* * *

**061 - This godforsaken hour**

The first time Blaine wakes up is because of a loud car horn outside, just as the first sunrays are finding the room. They are the first thing he sees as he opens his eyes, dancing on the wall in front of him. There's an arm around him, he realises. And a warm body against his back. A warm, half-naked body, and that's something that hasn't happened in a long while. He feels the softest of breezes on the back of his head, and realises that it must be Kurt breathing in his sleep. _Kurt._

Images of last night are slowly crawling into his head and taking control of his conscious brain activity. It had been perfect, in so many ways, not because either of them was super skilled in bed, but simply because it was them and it had been comfortable and fun and hot as hell. He feels more relaxed and satisfied to just be than he has for a long time. He thinks, if he was a cat he would be purring right now, but he's more like a puppy in general, so it won't do. Then he lets out a small chuckle at the level of ridiculous his thoughts have reached. But, if he feels like being stupid, then so be it. It's quite easy to be amused by everything, because he simply feels good. Great. Awesome. Amazing. _Take your pick_, he thinks, _I'm not that stingy_.

He realises he's grinning all by himself, while Kurt is still deep asleep behind him, and it's not such a bad thing at all. Kurt's sleep warm, bare chest is pressed against his back, and he feels his own body move almost imperceptibly with Kurt's breathing. That makes him feel a strong surge of affection towards Kurt, because really, could he be any more wonderful, there and all Blaine's to enjoy in this moment of time. He tries to move a little, but Kurt's hand tightens around him at the movement, and _ok then_. Blaine is completely fine with just staying there and not moving. No problem at all. It's too early to get up anyway. It's Sunday for God's sake, and he's in bed with Kurt after their first time.

Slowly Blaine is lulled back into a half asleep state, where's he's aware of the place but the time ebbs away and looses it's importance. Eventually, though, he feels Kurt shuffle a bit and then snuggle closer, and he knows Kurt is waking up. He turns around so that he can see the pretty face slowly return back to the world. It's the first time he has the chance to see Kurt waking up, as the few times they had actually slept together before he had missed it. It seems Kurt is generally an early riser, so Blaine is not going to miss his chance now. He takes in the way Kurt's eyelashes flutter but don't open yet, and his nose crunches slightly in dismay. It's way too adorable to be allowed, so Blaine has no other choice but to kiss it away.

He feels the slow turn of Kurt's lips beneath his own, as he smiles against his lips. Kurt breaks the lazy kiss after just a few seconds and squints at the clock on the night stand. Then he frowns and pouts at Blaine, eyes still half squeezed shut against the too bright light.

"Why are we awake at this godforsaken hour?"

"You are usually up at this hour," Blaine raises his eyebrow.

"Not on Sundays," Kurt whines pitifully.

"It's a pretty good morning, though," Blaine can't help the grin, really. It's getting to the point of being painful, but he just feels so content. And Kurt is such a wonderful creature that he just can't keep it in. Kurt lets out a smile of his own at Blaine's words.

"It is," he confirms, with a small nod just as his eyes slip back closed. He burrows a little closer to Blaine so that he can press his head in Blaine chest. "Perfect," he sighs contentedly.

"The morning or me?" Blaine asks, teasing.

"The shield against light your chest provides to my eyes, actually," Kurt corrects him cheekily. Blaine can hear the same satisfaction and happy contentment he feels in Kurt's voice. He can feel it, in the way Kurt wraps his arms around him and sighs. It seems easy to be silly, when you feel this good. Blaine's pretty sure being silly is a natural and inevitable part of it.

Before last night, he had worried a little, what kind of reaction he should expect from Kurt during the morning after. How he should act like,what he should say, to not freak him out. But now, he's not even thinking about it, he just does what he feels like doing. It had been a beautiful night, and Kurt had been just as happy to fall asleep together, even though it had been a bit too early for sleeping, and now they are waking up and it's just as beautiful a morning, and he knows there really is nothing he needs to worry about. Everything feels just right.

After a short while of just enjoying the feeling of waking up while holding a warm body, Blaine sighs and turns on his back, as Kurt goes to lay his head on his chest. Blaine puts his hand on the back of Kurt's head and plays with his hair absently, as Kurt starts drawing circles on Blaine's stomach.

"How are you feeling?" Blaine asks quietly.

"Full." Blaine hums, because he gets it. It's a very good description of how he feels as well.

"No regrets?" he wants to check, even though he's pretty sure he knows the answer.

"None whatsoever," Kurt answers firmly, but with a soft voice. After a short hesitation, he continues with the slightest hint of uncertainty "… you?"

"God, no," Blaine emphasises, aiming to kill Kurt's potential insecurities in the bud. "I don't even remember when I've regretted something less than this." Kurt answers by wiggling around to find a way to press even closer to Blaine as he squeezes him almost painfully tight for a second. Blaine's confident he got the message across.

"We should sleep some more," Blaine says, after he yawns widely and Kurt is immediately infected with it and yawns too. "It is a godforsaken hour after all."

"Your logic is impeccable," Kurt giggles lightly to his chest. The easy ring of Kurt's laugh makes Blaine's stomach flutter in an interesting way, and he's not sure if it's only because of the vibration.

/

The second time Blaine wakes up there is no obvious reason for it, but he feels perfectly rested, so maybe it's just that. He takes in the room, and the way the sun is much higher now, and sees that it's been two hours since he fell back asleep. Kurt is nowhere to be seen, but he hears some clanging of pans and dishes in the kitchen, so that's probably where Kurt is. He shifts to get up, but then he notices something lying on the bed next to him. It's an old looking notebook, not one Blaine has seen before, lying open with a pen on top. Something is written there and he picks it up and reads even though he knows he shouldn't without permission. He's just really curious, and It's open right there like an invitation.

_I'm memorizing you_

_how your eyelashes catch the sun_  
_and draw paintings on the wall_

_I'm memorizing_  
_how frantic a heart can get_  
_simply because I breathe in the air_  
_that has been in your lungs_  
_has moved your chest_

_somehow I'm here_  
_watching the sun unwrap you slowly_  
_taking off all the layers of night and dark_

_I'm still learning _  
_and all is still for a second_  
_unmoving_  
_frozen in time, and in place_  
_as I'm memorizing you._

He knows it's about him, and the thought of Kurt writing this poem while watching him sleep almost hurts in it's intensity. The words are so beautiful, and honest, and even if it's a little raw and unrefined, it's capable of catching his breath. He turns the pages in awe, and sees that the book is filled with poems, mostly dated years ago, but the last ten or so pages are filled with new writing, the ink still looking fresh, and he knows they have to be recent. He flips through and he catches a line here and there, lines like _Some nights I dream of walking_, and _The air I breathe is only mud and dreams and forgotten somewhere, _and _The only real choice is between death and reincarnation._

He puts the book down before he can read too much. The only thought he can think of is that he had no idea Kurt wrote poems, or anything at all. Although, now that he thinks about it, it makes sense. Kurt studies literature, and more than that, he practically lives in the library, or at least used to. Words are his safe haven, so it's almost natural he would write his own. Why hadn't Kurt told him? Why didn't he tell him that he was so good at it? And then Kurt is suddenly there, and there is no doubt that Kurt has already realised Blaine had read his poem, as his eyes widen and he turns just a little bit paler. His expression settles to something akin to worry and insecurity and fear. He goes immediately to take the book and holds it to his chest.

"I didn't mean for you to read that." His voice is small and a little desperate.

"Why?"

"I didn't… They're… private. And they're not.. good, they're just my thoughts and…" Kurt seems get lost trying to find the words.

"I didn't read much, just the one you wrote.. about me. It was beautiful, Night sky. Why would you be afraid to show them?"

"I've never showed anyone… And they're kind of.. important, to me. They're also really personal, and I just…."

"Come here," Blaine pats the bed next to him, and Kurt sits down carefully, still looking like a skittish bunny on lookout for the smallest sign of danger.

"I promise I didn't read more than just a few lines here and there, except that poem from today. And I really hope you're not afraid to let me know the feelings you wrote in that one, because I feel exactly the same." He pulls Kurt and his book in a tight embrace. He feels Kurt relax after a while.

"Do you really think the poem was good?" Kurt finally asks.

"I really think it was good," he confirms with a smile. "You're really talented."

"There's a dream in my book you might not have seen before," Kurt whispers then, as if he doesn't quite dare to say it out loud, "It goes something like 'One day I want to get my poems published.'"

"I have no doubt that you will," Blaine says, entirely convinced. "And then you can dedicate your book to your cute boyfriend… and his ridiculous bed head," Blaine adds, laughing, as he feels Kurt's fingers tugging at his gel free curls. "But seriously, you are way too good to deny the world your poems." He smiles, and he means it.

Maybe I won't," Kurt whispers in his ear and there's a smile in his voice.

"Good," he whispers back, and then they're kissing again. But after just a minute Blaine's stomach rumbles, demanding attention, and Kurt pulls away laughing.

"Get up. I made breakfast and it's getting cold."

"Only if you'll let me read the rest of your poems later," Blaine pouts.

"Maybe, if you're a good boy and empty your plate."

* * *

**062 - No labels**

_'102. I want to rebel against the rules and all that's good and proper.'_

"This can't be old."

"It's one of the newest, actually. I wrote it last autumn, right after the taekwondo photo shoot."

"And you don't think it would actually come true?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm not really the kind of person who wants to defy all the rules and social norms. It's just the voice of a Kurt who was really frustrated at his weakness. I guess I still am in some ways, but it's not like I want to take tattoos, shave my head, pierce my tongue and go dealing drugs for a fun pastime."

"Yeah, I guess I get that. The mental image is pretty hot, though. You'd make one _sexy_ delinquent, Night sky."

"That could be my gang name."

"It's pretty gay for a gang name, though."

"Are you saying you gave me a deliberately 'gay' pet name, _darling_?"

"Maybe I did... God, I really want to shoot this dream. I enjoy the idea of you rebelling."

"I think there are quite enough bad boy Kurt photos in the collection already, Blaine. People would start to get the wrong impression."

"Hm. I guess your right."

"I am."

"But we could still do it. 'Rules' and 'proper' can be interpreted as many things, right?"

"Like what?"

"Like rules of gravity and the proper way to wear your clothes. You know, all things we don't even think could be something else than what or how they are?"

"Colour me intrigued."

"Well, the idea is still refining itself, but.."

/

It's Friday afternoon and Kurt walks into their regular coffee shop, delighting in the little ding of the door bell that tells him the classes are over for the week and he can relax. Blaine's not going to be there until later, but Kurt has no problem with sitting around for an hour or two just taking in the place and watching the people. Watching people has always been enjoyable to him, but it's better than before, now that he's starting to feel like he's one of them. Just one of the crowd, and not an outsider on the campus, or in the city, or on the planet for that matter. He's just one of them.

He orders his usual coffee and goes to sit at the only free table, and only when he's put his bag down and settled in the chair, he realises that Zach and Aino are sitting in the next table. He's already opening his mouth to greet them, but then his eyes zero in on their hands. Hands that are held tightly together on the table, in a way that screams more-than-friends. The shy smiles they are shooting each other, so uncharacteristic to both of them, are telling the same story. It's like he's seeing a new couple on their first date, and for all Kurt knows, that's exactly what they are. There's no way he's going to interrupt that, and he has no intention of eavesdropping, but he had promised to wait for Blaine in the café, and there are no free tables, and besides, if he gets up now, he's certainly going to catch their attention. Then Aino and Zach would certainly ask him to sit with them, even though he'd clearly be interrupting something tender and important, that should not be interrupted. In conclusion, he has no other choice but to stay at his table, try to be inconspicuous enough for them not to notice him, and try not to hear anything they say. Luckily the couple is way too concentrated on each other to notice anything around them. Somewhat less luckily, Kurt simply can't help hearing them, though in all honesty he could be trying a little harder than he is. But at least he's not watching!

"I just can't believe we met in _there_ of all places." Zach's voice is full of disbelief and happiness.

"Yeah… I really had no idea. About you." Aino is looking Zach in the eye with a soft smile, and yeah, maybe Kurt is watching a little.

"Me neither.. so are you..?" _What? Are you what? _Ok, so, Kurt's getting a bit more invested in this than he should be, but so far the conversation has just been all mysterious and so, so interesting.

"Well, it's not that simple. I wouldn't give myself that label, it's not so straightforward to me. But on the big spectrum of things, I'm certainly nearer to your end of the line than on the nympho end." _Wait, what? What are they talking about? What is Zach's end of the line? And why does this sound familiar?_

"So why did you decide to come to the meeting?" _What meeting? I want answers! No, I should not want any answers. And I really should not be listening to this._

"I read about it online, and I thought, why not? I guess I just wanted some answers and see if I could find out something new about myself. I had no idea you are a regular there."

"Well, it's not something I advertise, not that I'm embarrassed or anything. I just don't feel like it's anyone's business, until it becomes relevant information in one way or another. "

"Yeah, I guess so. I wish I had known before, though.. Because, well.. you know." Aino is blushing and squeezing Zach's hand, and looking all adorable in a way she usually isn't with her calm exterior. It seems to be working on Zach, based on the slightly awed expression.

"For what it's worth, I'm glad you know now." _Know _what? Kurt feels both sick with himself and sick with curiosity at the same time.

That's when Zach suddenly looks up and sees Kurt sitting in the table next to them, probably looking exactly like he's been eavesdropping and then got caught. Zach frowns a bit, as if he's getting angry, but then he surprises Kurt in a way he never thought Zach could, after getting used to his unpredictability.

"Hey, Kurt, nice to see you! Although, you could have just joined us and asked, instead of listening in. We could have been spilling secrets here!" Zach's voice is teasing, and a bit overly confident and happy to be completely true, but his words seem honest anyway. Kurt looks at Aino then, not knowing what to expect, but what he sees is the calm girl, who doesn't show her emotions in her face or actions. She simply nods at him in greeting, and gives him a small smile. Kurt still feels absolutely horrible about the whole thing. He feels like he's singlehandedly ruined everything, because he just is that guy, the guy who destroys with every touch and move he makes.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I couldn't help hearing.. I mean, I didn't realise you were there until I'd already settled down and you looked like it was something really important, and I couldn't get up without making you notice me and so I just.. God, I'm just so sorry…" Kurt is feeling flustered and honestly, he would probably run, if he didn't know that these two are one of his best friends and he wants do whatever he can not to hurt them or to push them away. He stays and fumbles to explain, because all the while he blames himself and calls himself all the bad names he can think of in his head, he still wants to hold on to his friends and the Kurt he has found with them. He's learned to be selfish enough to not let go, and even if to others staying and explaining would seem the normal thing to do, to Kurt it's monumental. Because he did not run.

"It's ok," Aino smiles and Zach quickly agrees.

"It must have been awkward for you, too," he laughs lightly, and Kurt's heart aches with the amount of simple acceptance Zach is capable of. He's not even angry at Kurt for listening in a very private conversation; instead, he implies that he sympathises with Kurt.

"I'm asexual, in case you were wondering," Zach just lets out, like it's nothing. And maybe it really isn't. It comes as a complete surprise, but he should know better than anyone that sexuality is just one small part of a person. Zach looks at Aino with a question in his eyes.

"He already knows about me," Aino answers and shoots a friendly smile to Kurt. It's all Zach needs to continue.

"I go to this meeting for asexual people every month. Yesterday evening I went there like usual and then I saw Aino there.. It was a shock, to say the least. We started talking in there, because you know, the shock and all that, and afterwards we went to a bar nearby and talked some more, and somehow we got to this," Zach raises his and Aino's still intertwined hands in demonstration, "and then agreed to meet for a date and see what happens. So far, it's going great," he gives a teasing smile at Aino, "Although, I did not expect you to join us," he winks at Kurt. Kurt blushes and looks down in guilt.

"It's really ok, Kurt. We're only just figuring this whole thing out, and I think you would have found out about us pretty soon anyway. You're my best friend in this country, after all," Aino says, and suddenly Kurt finds himself hugging her tightly and then giving Zach a somewhat awkward hug as well, because he's simply so thankful that he has such good friends, and also because he's just really happy for them. He's been hoping and waiting for this, and though he missed one crucial piece of the puzzle, he's glad it worked out anyway.

When Blaine joins them a bit later, Zach tells him the story of Kurt becoming the third wheel like a joke, right after he's told him about him and Aino seeing each other in the asexuals meeting. Suddenly Kurt's embarrassment isn't so bad anymore, and he's almost shocked to see, how easy it was to get over the situation, when he stayed and tried to solve it. Blaine positively beams with happiness for his friend and Kurt thinks it's a beautiful look on Blaine. Just like Zach and Aino look really beautiful together, even if they aren't labelled as anything just yet.

/

The next day they all go to shoot their next photo for the exhibit. The concept of it makes Kurt thrilled, because he really enjoys the absurdity of it, but it's also a little bit sad, because this is going to be one of the last, if not _the_ last photo they make for the exhibit. Even if Blaine has promised to take pictures of Kurt, they won't be taken for this project. Although it's already the second time he's saying goodbye to the project, it still feels sad. But the sadness is quickly pushed to the back of his head, as he, Blaine,Rachel, Aino and Zach set up the scene on the messy backyard of Kurt and Rachel's building.

They've found a broken bed, abandoned in the basement, and together with a old mattress it provides the perfect prop for them. They set the bed upside down in front of the graffitied tile wall of the building, on the cracked asphalt. The set the mattress between the legs of the bed, and then cover it with a table cloth, wrong side up of course. Kurt is dressed in a floral dress and Aino in a suit, both put on inside out. They sit down on the edge of the bed, decked with a fancy dinner set and a flower pot in the middle, and pretend to eat imaginary food from their empty plates. It's looks wierd and stupid, and not at all artistic, and Blaine takes the photos purposefully against all the rules of aesthetics and proper positioning. The photos turn out ridiculous and ugly and absolutely perfect.

* * *

**063 - The beautiful butterfly he is**

Blaine returns from the bathroom after a fairly long shower and sees Kurt standing in front of the window, looking down at the street below, with the broken street light that still hasn't been fixed, with unseeing eyes. The sun has just gone down, the last of the light still lingering there amongst the city lights, working together to paint Kurt's face with soft orange. What makes him stop and not announce his presence is the very familiar expression on his face. He looks just like he did when Blaine first saw him, all those months ago on the second floor of the university library, when the sun painted a halo in Kurt's hair and Blaine couldn't help taking a picture. The boy he once named Snow white is back, the boy who is ethereally beautiful and not quite real. He wonders what has made Kurt feel like that again, and he realises he never really found out what Kurt had been thinking the first time around.

He takes a few steps closer, but as Kurt doesn't seem to notice him, Blaine calls his name to not scare him. It makes Kurt start a little anyway, but when he turns around and takes in Blaine's ready-to-bed form, he lets out a small smile and a little bit of Blaine's Night sky settles in his expression, alongside the unattached Snow white. Blaine takes it as an invitation, and goes to wrap his arms around Kurt from behind, settling his head on his upper back and holding his arms on his stomach. Kurt puts his hands on Blaine's and leans back a little, sighing.

"What are you thinking?" Blaine asks.

"How much things can change," Kurt's voice is contemplative and neutral. Blaine hums as a prompt for Kurt to continue.

"My life used to be a monochrome. All painted in one colour."

"And now?"

"Now there are so many colours. It's beautiful, but also overwhelming. I can't predict the next splash of paint anymore." Blaine let's the quiet remain, let's Kurt have this moment without any pushing, just being there for him as a support and another presence.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Kurt asks after a few minutes, that neither of them is counting.

"Yes, you reminded me of it just now."

"I was remembering it just now."

"What were you thinking?" Blaine isn't sure if he's asking about tonight or the day they met, but it doesn't really matter, anyway.

"I was watching the people outside, just like now, except it was summer and midday. I watched them and they all looked so small, and I felt like nothing but an observer. But now I'm looking down, from much higher than the library windows were, and it all looks so huge. I feel like I'm not separated anymore, like it's part of me or I'm part of it, I don't know. It's scary, and wonderful… and scary." Blaine pulls Kurt tighter against him, as if to show that they are part of each other too. That Blaine is there, and this time he is part of Kurt's moment and not just the observer who took a photo.

"What do you dream of, right now?" The question comes out of nowhere, but when it's out there, it seems like the most logical thing to ask.

"I want to write a book." Kurt's answer is fast and unfaltering, almost like he had been expecting the question.

"What kind of book?" Blaine breathes in the subtle smell of his boyfriend, and thinks how much Kurt and his dreams and his feelings have grown to mean to him. He wants Kurt to have it all, perhaps even more than he wishes the same for himself.

"Poems… I want to write what it feels like to finally join the world around you."

"It sounds beautiful." It's all Blaine can say, really, because what else is there? Just a week ago Kurt had been so insecure and wary, biting his lip and looking away as he offered Blaine his poetry notebook to read. And now, Kurt says he's ready to show his poems to the whole world. And isn't that exactly what Kurt is all about? He can be hurt and insecure in so many ways, and yet he always pushes through and finds some unknown strength and courage and passion inside him to survive and even thrive.

Kurt turns around then, and presses his forehead against Blaine's, closing his eyes and breathing in deep. He let's out a sigh of contentment, or of relief, or simply because of existing, Blaine isn't sure which, but it sounds like a promise, somehow. Blaine keeps his hold around Kurt firm and he smiles a little when he feels Kurt's arms tighten around him as well.

"I'm so glad you're here," Kurt sighs, and Blaine is left to realise, again, exactly how much things have changed. He can feel now, how Kurt has learned to trust him in a way, that letting Blaine in is almost effortless and natural, and it feels better than he could have ever expected. He's been allowed to hug the Night sky, who is Blaine's boyfriend and friend, and the occasionally emerging Songbird, the happy son of a loving mother, but now he's allowed close to the still lingering Snow white, too.

"I used to call you Snow white, before I knew your name." Blaine whispers into Kurt's shoulder, with a smile in his voice. It makes Kurt pull away quite suddenly, to look into his eyes, with something close to confusion and slight hurt, and Blaine realises a little bit too late that the name can be taken in a wrong way.

"Why?" Kurt asks, half-consciously pulling away from Blaine's arms, but Blaine keeps his hold firm.

"Oh, it was never like what you're thinking, I swear. You just looked like the most beautiful guy on campus, if not the country, and you were there looking all unreal and detached, so the name just came to me. Besides, I had just been watching the movie." Blaine let's his smile show all the affection and awe that came with the name, so that Kurt wouldn't misunderstand. Kurt stopped fighting against his hold and let himself be pulled closer again, smiling.

"You're such a dork," he says, and it's almost like a caress, or a declaration of some sort, the way Kurt says it.

"I am." he confirms happily, still holding Kurt in the hug that must have lasted for at least fifteen minutes now. He's not complaining. After a while, he adds "I haven't seen Snow white for a long time, though. I had almost missed him."

"What do you mean, haven't seen him?" Kurt asks, confused.

"Well, Snow white is just reserved for the moments when you get all otherworldly and unreal. Night sky is the real you, Snow white is just the not quite there Kurt you sometimes turn into, when you're lost in thoughts. Like today, before we started talking."

"Ah.." Kurt hums in Blaine shoulder. Then he lets out an amused giggle. "You really are a dork. Who comes up with these names? First Night sky, and now Snow white. I think I should be offended."

"But you're not," Blaine laughs back. "And, technically, Snow white was first, you just didn't know about it."

"I'm really should figure out a name for you, too, soon."

"Great. I'm waiting with bated breath, but meanwhile, you can still call me darling. I quite like it when you do, even though it's only when you want to prove a point or be sarcastic." Blaine's voice is cheeky, but what he says is true. Kurt has called him 'darling' a few times, when he's felt like making fun of him, and Blaine can't help the little swoop in his stomach every time, even if the name is used only as a sarcastic comment. It's still a pet name, and there's this hidden affection behind it, every time, like Kurt wants Blaine to be his darling.

Kurt lets out a snort. "I don't even know why I'm still with you, _darling_." He makes the pet name exaggeratingly sugary to make his point.

"It's because you love me, sweetie pie," Blaine says back in the same horrible syrup voice.

"I guess I do," Kurt answers with another giggle and Blaine surprises him by picking him up, bridal style, and carries him to the bed. He throws Kurt there unceremoniously and jumps after him, starting a tickle fight with lots of rolling around and laughing hysterically. Blaine is really happy that Rachel isn't going to be back until later, because this is frankly a bit ridiculous. But he loves it. _Wait- love_. Blaine stops abruptly, still holding Kurt's wrists next to his head, half sitting on him. Kurt stops too, looking alarmed at the sudden stop, but keeps wiggling a little to get released.

"Did you just say you love me?" Blaine asks, almost silently, staring at Kurt's eyes as if they hold all the secrets of the universe. Kurt sucks in a deep breath, and freezes completely under Blaine's hold. His eyes widen in a way that would be almost comical, if anything could be comical at the very moment.

"I…" Kurt starts and blushes redder than Blaine's seen in months, looking away, biting his lip.

"Did you mean it?" Blaine's question is near silent, and he's still holding Kurt down, hoping he would turn his head back so Blaine could see his eyes again.

"Yes.." comes the impossibly quiet whisper, through lips that are still firmly held between his teeth.

"Me too," Blaine smiles and Kurt turns his head back fast to hold his eyes. His look is almost incredulous with disbelief.

"Really?" he asks, shocked. As if he still can't quite believe that Blaine cares about Kurt the same way he does about Blaine, and it's almost sad.

"Of course I do, silly," he says, letting go of his wrist to press his hand over Kurt's heart. It's beating fast, and he realises his is, too. "Is it really that hard to believe?" Blaine can hear the pleading in his own voice, and suddenly Kurt surges up and kisses him strongly, passionately, freeing his other wrist and pushing both hands in Blaine's hair.

"I guess not," Kurt breathes out with a soft pant, after finally ending the kiss. They smile at each other with silly grins that can only be described as completely smitten, and then they proceed to take advantage of the fact that Rachel is not home yet.

/

It's been three days, living on the high of knowing that Kurt loves him and realising that he actually loves Kurt back. They've been almost sickeningly sweet days, filled with fluffy clouds and dream castles and rainbows and unicorns, because _Kurt loves him and he loves Kurt._ He's almost waiting for the thing that finally returns him back to reality, because he knows this floating can't last forever. But then again, he's in no hurry, because while he would never do drugs, he really doesn't mind this high. The reality call comes with a beep from his phone. He picks it up to read a text from Kurt.

**I just got hit on by an Englishman - Kurt**

_… -Blaine_

_What? - Blaine_

**Yes. His name's Adam and he came to talk to me when I was waiting for Rachel in NYADA, looking at some club ads. Apparently he has his own glee club called Adam's apples. -Kurt**

_Is he handsome? ;) -Blaine_

**Very. He gave me his number. Maybe I should call him. :) -Kurt**

Something about the whole conversation twists his stomach uncomfortably. Blaine knows Kurt is telling this to him because it's a funny story, and it means nothing more than that. He has no doubt that Kurt is expecting him to laugh at the whole thing with him, and maybe he's just sharing the happiness of the fact that someone thought he was attractive and worth hitting on. Blaine can understand that and it doesn't make him feel any kind of resentment.

The painful thing is, that Kurt has changed, just like he had said himself. Kurt has come out of his shell as the beautiful butterfly he is, and Blaine can no longer keep him all to himself. It's not like he would want to keep Kurt as the shy and timid boy, of course not, he's _so_ happy and proud of Kurt for getting out there and joining the world, just like the theme of his future poetry book says. It's just that, with the joy he feels for Kurt comes the realisation that his hold on Kurt isn't that tight anymore. Kurt could fly away, if he wanted. Kurt has wings now and Blaine isn't so desperately needed.

He knows it's his own insecurity speaking, the voice that always says that if he's not needed and useful, he can be tossed away very easily. He know that it's all in his head, and not what Kurt is thinking at all, but the feeling is still very real. An Adam from NYADA could easily come and take Kurt away, and with the photo project finished and Kurt's fear of the world cured, Blaine feels this horrible feeling in his gut that he he's hold on Kurt is weak, and his fingers could easily slip. And he really doesn't want to lose the love he just found.

_I wish you'd rather call me instead. I miss you. :) -Blaine_

* * *

**A/N:** That's it for this week. Remember to tell me the things you'd still want to read more about!


	22. 064-066

**Author's note:** Hey! So, I'm really grateful for your reviews, I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and I'm apologising in advance for whatever feelings you might have after this chapter. :)

I've been sick this whole week and it seriously sucks. So be nice to me. :D I need some comfort.

So, there's going to be two more chapters after this, plus some sort of epilogue. So, the story is coming to it's end, and thus it's the last chance for you to ask about any lingering questions you have for this story that you haven't yet gotten an answer to.

As to what Sofia Michelle asked, sadly I don't think I can include a Burt/Blaine meeting to this fic. I'd love to write it, but I have no good place for it left. Maybe, if you ask nicely, I could write a drabble about it after this is finished. :)

There won't be a sequel to this story, but if any of you lovely readers are interested in me writing some extra follow-up one-shots or drabbles based on your requests, you are welcome to tell me.. If there is enough interest, I might be persuaded. :) If not, I'm happy to let my baby lie.

Well, that's about it for today. Go read!

**Disclaimer:** I'm too sick to figure out a clever way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I don't own Glee or it's characters and no money is made of this. There.

* * *

**064 - Thoughts he can't completely ignore**

Time seems to go faster as the exhibit gets closer, at least to Kurt. The exhibit seems to get bigger too, a bigger event, a bigger deal, than it felt like before. He knows that technically he could still back out, but it feels like a done deal, and if he stopped it now, it would ruin so many things for so many people. Especially for Blaine. It's just too late. He's pretty sure, if he had the option, he wouldn't even want to stop the exhibit from happening, but the feeling of not having that option is scary, and makes the whole thing a lot harder to take than it would otherwise be. If he had the chance to still say no, he might even be excited about it, but he feels out of control of the situation, and it makes him helpless. Yes, he had decided that he would not run away from things anymore, and he doesn't want to - but the reality where he actually _can't_ run feels just a bit too much.

Things have been slightly off for the two of them, lately. It's nothing really noticeable, there have been no fights, no hurt feelings, no uncomfortableness between them. It's more just a bad feeling. Though insignificant in itself, the meeting with Adam in NYADA had started a chain of thoughts that Kurt can't completely ignore, no matter how much he wants to. Before, it hadn't really even crossed Kurt's mind that someone else besides Blaine could even be interested in him. It was such an absurd idea still, that he can't really fathom it, but he had been offered another path to take for his life, another option. And it left Kurt thinking. It wasn't even about Adam, specifically, because he wasn't interested and it's not like he would choose anyone over Blaine. But the truth is, he's scared that he wouldn't be able to choose anything, if he didn't have Blaine.

It had made him think, what his life would be like without Blaine - not if he'd never met him, but if he lost him now - and Kurt just doesn't know if he would even have himself or a life without Blaine. He's feeling like maybe it's all thanks to Blaine that he has changed, and maybe he would just fall back to the skeleton of a person he was before, if he lost Blaine now. Having accepted Blaine in so completely and irrevocably, letting himself fall in love and be loved, made him also more vulnerable than he had ever been. It was worse than when it was him against the world, because instead of a million enemies, Kurt's happiness is all in hands of a single person now, no matter how perfect that person might be for him. Life hasn't given him that many reasons to trust faith, and Kurt is plagued with the idea, that he can't trust himself anymore, either.

If a day would come when Blaine wasn't there anymore, Kurt just isn't sure if he would survive it. And it's different from before, because when he was alone, no matter how miserable he was, he still held the strings of his fate in his own hands. Now, Kurt is happier than he has probably ever been and has gotten more than he ever thought he would, but in exchange he fears the strings are now in someone else's hold. As he gets more and more, he also has just that much more to lose. He doesn't really fear that Blaine would get bored and leave him, not anymore. The questions just wont leave his mind. _Is this all because of Blaine? Is my better life all dependent on Blaine? _It's a valid question, because he hasn't experienced this new him without Blaine, and so, he can't trust it would even exist independent of his helper.

The helplessness of the photo exhibit doesn't really help, and combined together, it's just a lot. He has told Blaine about his nervousness about the exhibit, but not about this other worry. It's not because he doesn't want to, he's just so afraid, that if he voices his worries now, he could make it all fall down, and he doesn't want to risk his happiness. Because he is happy, so happy, with Blaine and their friends and his new dreams that he hasn't dared to believe in for a long time. He's so happy it makes him afraid. And it's not even that simple, because this time his problem isn't about their relationship and what is, instead it's all about the what if's.

And also, this time it's not only his problem. Maybe he would have talked about it all with Blaine already, but lately Blaine has been so touchy about things, almost clingy in his affections, and while it makes Kurt feel cared for, he can't help but feel that there is something else behind it, something that isn't just Blaine's love for him. Kurt thinks, getting into all of that right before the exhibit, amidst all the stress they both have because of it, would be searching for the kind of trouble that they just might not be able to handle. So he's going to save that talk until later.

The calendar says that it's the first day of March. It means that there's less than three weeks until the opening night and Blaine suggested they should do one more photo shoot for the project. Blaine's coming over to discuss it at any moment now, and Kurt would be happy about it, because doing these shoots is fun, but somehow he's feeling a little off. Like he just doesn't feel like doing a new one. He's not excited, not like he usually is. If he's honest to himself, it's probably because the exhibit is already so close that anything connected to it feels tainted. But Blaine wants to do it, and it's not like they've ever been anything but good for him, so he's going to at least try to be excited. Maybe it won't be so bad when they get started. And for a while, it isn't.

"Hey, darling," Kurt smiles and pulls Blaine for a light kiss hello.

"Hey, Night sky, how're things?" Blaine's voice is easy and affectionate, as he kisses Kurt back, and it makes Kurt wonder why he would ever think there is something wrong behind that kind of simple caring. When Blaine smiles to him, excited and happy, he can't help but smile back. They sit down and eat dinner, before Kurt goes to get the Book of dreams so they can try and find the subject for their last photo shoot. They laugh at some of the sillier ones, before Blaine gets that flash in his eyes that tells he's got an idea.

"What is it?" Kurt smiles, because Blaine's enthusiasm is always a little bit infectious.

"This one! '_22. I want to live on a tropical island.' _We should do that."

"What's the idea?" Kurt asks, so that Blaine can get to the rambling explanation that's inevitably coming.

"Oh, I can just see it in my eyes, we could build an island out of clothes and laundry baskets and stuff, and then make a palm tree out of a coat rack and green blanket, and you could be there in swimming trunks or something. It could be like a child's play pretend -game, because we can't actually get you on a tropical island, but we could make it so cool it would be like any kid's dream playsetting.. So kind of a dream come true there, too. What do you think?"

Honestly, Kurt doesn't know. The idea sound fun, and he knows that just two weeks ago he probably would have found it wonderful. He still does, because it's honestly a great idea and he knows it would look nice. But the uneasy feeling of the looming exhibit is still there and it's not going away, no matter how hard Kurt tries, even if there is no logical reason for his unease. It's not like this shoot would change the exhibit one way or another, and it really isn't a bad idea. It's just hard to separate the insecurities and worries about the exhibit from planning a new photo, currently, and he just can't get excited.

"Um…" Kurt's hesitation is easily readable, and Blaine's face turns slightly disappointed and hurt.

"You don't like it?"

"No! No, it's a really good idea, honestly." Kurt smile comes out just a bit forced. "I just.. I'm not really feeling it today," he shrugs. Blaine's eyes turn worried.

"What is it? Is something wrong?" Blaine pulls Kurt closer to offer comfort in a very Blaine style. Kurt leans into him, because it's admittedly a very good style.

"No… I just." He sighs into Blaine's shoulder, because it's hard to explain something you don't really get yourself either, and when you don't want to make your boyfriend worry about something you can't change right now anyway. "You know the whole exhibit thing is a bit hard for me, and I'm not handling it as well as I thought I would."

"You said you were feeling a bit worried about it.. And I understand. It stresses me too, and it is a big step for you, I know." Blaine's voice is understanding, and Kurt can practically hear the unspoken question, if he wants to call it off, after all. The question he suspects Blaine doesn't dare to say out loud, because it would be a really bad thing for his future career to cancel it now, when it is already so close and the library has already paid half of the printing fees of the A3 photo copies and the flyers. It's the same question Kurt won't answer, because he knows he could never do that to Blaine. He wouldn't take back the permission he had given before.

"I just hoped making this photo would maybe get us both feel a little less stressed," Blaine says, some kind of questioning hope in his voice.

"Yeah, I get that.. I'm just. Not feeling it I guess," Kurt sighs.

"Is it this idea in particular? Because we can think of something else, too."

"No, like I said, your idea is great. It's just… I don't even know." _It's just the knowledge that I couldn't cancel this thing even if I wanted, because I'd be hurting you._

"Well, maybe we could still try? Maybe it'd feel better once we get to it?" And there's the small feeling again, like Blaine is trying just a bit too much for it to be normal.

"I thought so too, so I didn't say no before, but I just don't feel right. I know it could be fun, but it just doesn't feel like a good idea, now." Kurt is starting to feel a little frustrated, because he doesn't want to give in and do something he doesn't feel comfortable with, but he can also hear the slightest hint of desperation that tells Blaine might need this more than he lets on.

"How can you know, if you don't try?" Blaine's voice is just encouraging, but Kurt huffs and pulls away slightly anyway. He can't help the growing feeling of annoyance, even though he knows Blaine would never really force him into anything.

"I just don't want to, ok?" Kurt asks, and he means it to be neutral, but it comes out frustrated. And just like that, Kurt sees Blaine take a mental step back and shake his head like to get out of this strange mood he had gotten into. He pulls Kurt back against him with tender arms, and whispers to his ear in an apologetic voice.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed. I just wanted to help you."

"I'm sorry I snapped, too. But believe me, I don't think a photo shoot would help me right now." Kurt's tone is back to friendly and soothing. "Didn't you say that they only asked for three or four more? We already have three, so we don't really need any more, right?"

"Right. I.. I guess I'm just nervous too. I'm sorry I pushed you, I should have believed you the first time when you said you don't want to do. It's ok, we don't need it, and I would never want to ruin our photo shoots by making one, when one of us doesn't want to do it." He feels Blaine press a few soft kisses against his neck, and he knows that, whatever it was, is over now.

The problem is, that it's not actually over, not really. Because this little not-quite-a-fight didn't really solve anything, it just made Kurt feel even stronger that there are some issues they really need to air, both he and Blaine. Because even though it never became a fight, was barely nothing at all, there has to be a reason why Blaine would try to push him like that. It wasn't normal, not something Blaine would do without a good reason. But no good reason had come forward this time, just like Kurt didn't give any good reason for his reluctance. But now is not the time, not this close to the exhibit. Maybe after, it would be safe to talk.

* * *

**065 - Losing a hold of**

"So, how are things with Aino these days?" Blaine asks, looking up from his book at his best friend. He and Zach are having a study night at their room for a change and those usually always change into more or less serious heart-to-heart talks between the two of them, when studying starts to get boring and they need a break. Plus, Blaine is starting to get really curious about his two friends and their situation.

"It's been great, really. She's still awesome, and who knew holding hands and kissing could change so little and so much at the same time." He grins back, half a joke, half an honest declaration.

"How so?" Blaine asks, intrigued. Zach's face turns to contemplative, like he's really thinking through his answer.

"Oh, well. We were good friends before and we're still mostly doing the same things as before the whole asexual meeting incident. There's a bit more touching involved, but it's not like we are having sex or anything, so.. But then, knowing that we have this new kind of connection, caring about each other more deeply than friends, it's huge. Because, it's like I have this other person, who I can trust to be there for me, understand me and invest in me,kind of like a friend, but so much more, because it's a special bond just for us two." Zach's smile is almost uncharacteristically tender at the end of the little speech, and Blaine can see how important Aino is growing to be for him. And he can understand, at least mostly.

"I think I get it. The special bond you explained, it sound an awful lot like what I feel for Kurt.. And otherwise too, because we were friends before as well, except of course the whole no sex thing.." They both chuckle at that, and Blaine knows that of course it's not totally the same, because sexuality is a big part of a romantic relationship, so a completely platonic romance is always going to be something Blaine won't fully get. But he can understand the beauty of them finding each other, and that's the most important thing.

"How is that, by the way? Is she like you too, or does she have any kind of.. urges… for the lack of a better term. I guess there are not just one kind of asexuals out there?" Blaine smiles a bit ruefully at his slightly teenage-y mature wording.

"No, uh.. well, I don't think it's a secret, so I guess I can tell you. But she's actually not asexual."

"Oh? She's not?" A pause. "So, how does that work, then..?" Blaine asks, surprised, trying to ask about Zach's earlier worries, without actually asking. Zach is smirking though, so it mustn't be such a sore subject.

"Well, in her own words, and I swear this is a quote, 'that's why they invented masturbation'." Zach draws the quote marks in the air, and Blaine burst out laughing, because it sounds exactly like something Zach would come up with and nothing like anything that comes from Aino's mouth.

"I guess I'm starting to rub off on her," Zach shrugs, as an explanation, before he gets more serious again. "She says sex just isn't that important to her. And I know I used to worry about dating someone who isn't like me, but.. She says she's ok without sex, that she doesn't need it to be content, and I've chosen to believe her. She came to the meeting; it has to mean at least something, right?" Zach asks Blaine with a small smile, and the unspoken question of whether it's going to last is there, but it's something Zach seems to have accepted. He's glad Zach's okay with it, and even though there is that little uncertainty, it seems things are okay for the somewhat unusual couple. Blaine's also projecting a bit, thinking about his own insecurities about losing Kurt, and momentarily those worries feel a little smaller than they normally are. Another question comes to his mind, when he thinks about losing people.

"But how about when she has to go back to Finland? She's going to return after the semester, right?" Zach's smiles falls a little, but it gets back to normal almost immediately, with just a small sense of sadness lingering.

"Well, she's going to stay here for the summer, at least. And I think a long distance relationship could work better for us, when it's non-sexual anyway.. Also, she told me there are some programs taught in English in her university, and college is tuition free even for foreign students there, so I might end up with an exchange year of my own," Zach gives a small grin. Blaine smiles at his friend, with both sadness and happiness in it. It's not going to be easy for them, but he also believes that if somebody, those two could make it work. And the image of Zach on the frozen streets of some city in Finland seems surprisingly.. plausible.

/

Blaine never quite got past the realisation he had when Kurt texted him about that guy in NYADA. It's not because of the guy, as he knows Kurt hasn't even heard about him since, it's about the fact that Kurt has changed and the truth is that Blaine is not needed for his help anymore, not in the same way, and it's hard for Blaine to accept. Before, Blaine felt he was important to Kurt in so many ways, he helped him with the project and also with his issues about intimacy and trusting people. He has no delusions about who did all the hard work, Kurt had done his changing all by himself, but Blaine had been there for him, supported him on the way, even pushed him on and made him believe in himself when he was faltering, and it had given Blaine a sense of security too. As long as he was useful, he was also important and wanted. But now, when Kurt's got so far already, Blaine doesn't know how long it's going to last. It makes him feel oddly vulnerable and insecure.

It helps that he's reconnecting with his parents in a new way, as he gets to see that they didn't in fact give up on him, but it also doesn't help, because he can see how awkward his relationship with his parents has become after he decided that he's not going to please them anymore. He's afraid that Kurt and he will change to, and not necessarily in a good way. So, he's been pushing himself onto Kurt, not intentionally and he's tried to stop it, but he can't completely. On one hand he's trying to figure out ways to help Kurt, even when his help isn't particularly needed or even wanted, and on the other hand he's been overly close, just so that he would remain important for Kurt.

And, at the same time, he's noticed that Kurt has been distant in some way, like there is something on his mind that he's not sharing. Blaine can see it's not because he has a problem with their relationship, because it's not hard to see that Kurt is still happy and comfortable being with him, but there is something he's holding back, and for once it's something Blaine can't read. It makes him nervous, and all the more determined to keep a hold on Kurt before he can fly away from him again, which makes him push harder. It's a bad kind of circle that they can't seem to escape, and the worst is, that Blaine doesn't even know if Kurt is acting strange because of Blaine's pushing or if Blaine is pushing because Kurt is acting strange, or if the two issues are unrelated.

All of that might have been solved so easily, but it seems like they both are pushing the issues under the rug while the exhibit grows closer and closer. Leaving them be for the time being might work too, but the problem is that the rug under their feet seems to get lumpier and more unstable to walk on as time goes by, and it's putting a strain on their relationship, even as they desperately try to avoid it.

Blaine is also worried about Kurt, who seems to be really freaking out about the exhibit, even though he refuses to even talk about cancelling it now (which Blaine is secretly really thankful for, too). Kurt's nervousness and panicking is putting Blaine slightly on edge, because frankly, he's nervous about the outcome as well. It's his work, out there for everyone to see and judge, and even though he's waited for this to happen for so long, it's also a really big deal and he really doesn't want it to turn out to be a flop.

And after all this waiting and walking on their toes to not hurt their relationship while all this stress is pressing on them, it seems their relationship is already hurting. Not on the surface, because Blaine knows and feels they both still love each other and they are still comfortable with each other being there.. But all these things gathering under their feet is just starting to make their footing much shakier than it should be. It makes Blaine afraid, that any small thing could push them just enough to make them fall, no matter how peaceful and pretty the surface feels.

It's finally only two days before the exhibit, and Blaine is at Kurt's place, on his own for once, waiting for Kurt to return from a quick visit to the grocery store. He's washing the dishes after the dinner they made together. It seems like they both know there are big issues that they are currently pushing off, and it feels like an unspoken but mutual decision, and as if to compensate it, they are doing all these small domestic acts, like offering to wash the dishes or to stop by the corner store to get some toothpaste. Which is what they both are doing right now.

Before dinner, they had been copying all the dreams from Kurt's book that were used in the photos, to use them as the name tags for the photos in the exhibit. It had been a last moment idea Blaine had got, to copy the words exactly as they were - be it the colourful and shaky writing of a primary school Kurt or the much neater cursive of the college student Kurt. The lady responsible for the library exhibits had loved the idea, and Kurt had agreed, albeit a little hesitantly. Blaine is sure it would look great. That's what he's thinking when he pulls the plug out to let the water drain from the sink.

Afterwards, Blaine has no idea what made him do it. He doesn't even think about anything, the book is just lying open on the kitchen table, and Blaine has to wait for the sink to empty of the dirty water (the plumbing isn't the best in the building, so it drains slowly), so he picks the book up and flips the pages absent-mindedly while he waits. Then he notices there's still a single spoon in the water so he picks it up, just when someone from downstairs decides to turn on the TV with full volume. The sudden sound makes him jump, and his hold on the book is just a tiny bit too weak, and he watches in horrible slow motion as the book slips from his fingers and falls into the dirty water in the sink. It seems to take forever, before he hears the horrifying splash, as the Book of Dreams, the notebook on which Kurt's late mother wrote with her own hands the nickname of her beloved son, the book which contains all Kurt's dreams painstakingly written down, sinks under dirty dish water with chunks of food in it.

Blaine frantically digs the book out and despite his desperate attempts to dry it, he sees how the words have smudged off, pages falling apart, colourful ink seeping through paper, and it feels like he's just lost his hold on something much more than just a book.

* * *

**066 - Not quite wood**

It's two days before the exhibit, and Kurt is pretty much freaking out. School is giving him some stress, which is minimal, but still there and not helping things. The exhibit is swiftly becoming reality, and all the fears about it that he thought he could handle, are getting stronger. And it's not like those fears would be impossible for him to overcome, but he always knew this was going to be hard for him. He thought Blaine would be there to support him, and he is, of course, but all the not speaking is making it work less well. And his fear of losing Blaine, and losing himself if he ever did lose Blaine, is not getting any easier as he can't speak about it to Blaine. At this point he feels he would really need the talk, but all the stress and hidden feelings have made such a big pile, that it makes him feel like he can't talk, right now, not until after the exhibit has started at least. The pep talk he gives himself about waiting until the stress is lessened isn't really calming him down as well anymore, but he feels a little helpless, because he doesn't know what else to do besides waiting. He can see the puzzle pieces, that were so neatly together before, slowly easing out of their places, and he just wants to keep the picture intact.

As he walks out of the corner store, he's glad he can do this kind of little things, at least, to keep some kind of balance in their relationship. Working together to copy and make those name plates for the photos had been surprisingly nice, and it eased his nerves a bit to actually do something, but now it's done and the nerves are back. It was nice to make dinner, too, and it made him believe that the two of them would survive this, but after he left for the errant, all the doubts creep in. When he's with Blaine, he has no doubts that Blaine is worth it all, worth the stress and suffering through this strain currently on their relationship, because Kurt truly believes that they are strong enough to get over it. But when he's left alone, the belief is not that strong. Somehow he can't trust the feeling of rightness so well, when Blaine is not physically there to remind him, how good he feels to hug and hold close. _It's going to be fine, just a few more days and you can talk it all through._ He tells himself the same thing over and over again, and it makes him feel slightly better. _Just hold the puzzle pieces together, until you have time to get the glue. He's worth it._

He's got himself mostly convinced by the time he gets to his apartment door. He shouts 'hello' from the door as he slides it open, and the lack of answer is slightly disconcerting. He gets to the kitchen and the first thing he notices is Blaine, looking extremely distraught and tears in his eyes. At first comes the worry, because something really bad must have happened to make Blaine so wrecked.

"Oh God, Blaine, what's wrong?" Kurt says, and runs to pull Blaine to a comforting hug. Which Blaine barely reciprocates. And that's when Kurt really knows something is badly wrong, not just for Blaine but for them as a unit. He can't think of a reason why Blaine would shy from him if he's sad about something, that doesn't concern Kurt. He would be seeking comfort, not shying away from it. Then he looks up from Blaine's shoulder and sees something on the table, lying above sheets of newspaper.

"Blaine…" he pulls out from his arms, slowly, warily. "Is that…" _no, no no no, it can't be._

"Shit, Kurt, I'm sorry, so freaking sorry!" Blaine cries, putting his face in his hands, and Kurt desperately wants to comfort him, hold him, make him feel better - but he can't, because something that looks very much like his notebook, but so fundamentally wrong, lies on the table. He takes another careful step, towards the table this time, almost against his will as he really doesn't want to see, but he can't stop himself.

And it is his notebook, the only thing left that was a personal gift from his mother, open on the table, and it's just so _wrong_. It's wet, not just the cover but all over and through it. It's filthy too, and the words are blurred and smudged if not altogether washed away. It looks like the book itself is crying, and Kurt dully wonders if he should be crying too. It's gone, destroyed. His dreams are washed away like they were nothing but that.. just words. He feels foolish, for some reason, and betrayed. He's half in denial too, not daring to believe it's actually there and not just a nightmare.

"What- what happened?" His voice sounds hollow even to his own ears. It's scary. Blaine seems to crumble just a bit more at that, and then he's pressing his hand lightly on Kurt's shoulder.

"I.. I don't even know. I looked through it while waiting for the sink to drain, and I dropped it, I have no idea how it even happened, but God, Kurt, I'm so sorry, and I know it doesn't help or change anything, but please, please believe I feel _so_ bad about it.." Kurt makes a tiny step to the side, just enough for Blaine's hand to fall off his shoulder, and he's not really even aware he's doing it to get rid of Blaine's touch. He's not fully aware of anything. It feels almost like a shock, although he's not sure about the actual symptoms. He's eyes are frozen on the book, it's like he physically can't look away. _Damaged. Irreparable_. In a strange way, it's like he's watching himself there, like his own body had been drained of dreams, of his mother's memory and lingering love, of his hope for things changing. The new him is emptied. Left for dead.

"How…"

"I know, I'm sorry!"

"No, how.. how could you do this?" That seems to make Blaine pause, like the accusation hurts him. But it's not accusation, not really. It's just a question.

"It was an accident, and I feel so horrible…" Blaine says something else, touches him again, somewhere, but it all feels numb and distant, and the words are not registering. _How could Blaine do that? Did he not understand what that book means to him?_

"Of course, Kurt, of course I know." Blaine's voice is desperate, Kurt can hear it now, and he realises he must have let his questions out loud, but it's hard to concentrate what is said and what is not. He turns, but he can't quite look Blaine in the eye. It's like eyes would be too real for him to handle in this moment. Blaine being real is too much, because he loves Blaine, but this is too big to accept, let alone forgive.

"No. You don't. It's like you just killed me." Kurt doesn't even know where the words came from. They seem too harsh, but he can't control them. He hears Blaine's little sob though, way too clearly compared to the other sounds around, and he wants to say it's ok and don't worry, but he can't. Because it's not ok. Nothing is. How could he have believed that things would just be ok, if they hid the problems away? How could he be so naïve that he thought nothing bad would ever happen to him, if he was with Blaine? That Blaine could never hurt him, not even unintentionally? He's not safe, never safe, from cruel things, not even with the best person on the planet. Not even safe _from_ him.

"I tried to dry it, but there's not much I could…"

"No, Blaine, there's nothing you could have done. It's too late." And Kurt's not sure if he's speaking about the book or about something else completely, and it scares him a little.

"Kurt…"

"Don't. " A deep breath, and Kurt's surprised to notice that it's shuddering and hitching in the end. "I was such a fool to believe things would just be ok from now on. There's never going to be a break, is there?" His voice is getting higher, and louder, and he wonders briefly, if this is just another effect of the shock he thinks he might be in, or if it's because he's coming out of it.

"Kurt, I'm so sorry." Blaine sounds so helpless. "But it doesn't have to mean the end of your dreams, you could always do another-"

"Another book? Like anyone could write Songbird on the cover and it would be just as well? Blaine," the name feels strange on his tongue, like just a bit stale, "I've been so afraid I would lose myself if I lost you, I've been so afraid that I will lose you, eventually.. But I never realised I would lose my mother, because of this."

"You haven't lost her, Kurt-"

"Yes, I have, Blaine. I lost her when I was eight. And I'm just now realising it." The words hurt his throat, make it feel disgusting and raw. Because they feel true. The most honest, painful truth, that no amount of photographs could change. He takes a step back, towards the door. It seems to startle Blaine, who wraps his fingers lightly around Kurt's wrist to keep him there. It's so loose that he would need no strength to shake it off, but the hold still feels like a prison. The whole apartment feels like one. Everything does.

"Please, don't go, let's talk," Blaine pleads him, tears still in his eyes and slowly coming out, and Kurt wants to say he'll stay, because Blaine hurting causes what is almost a pavlovian reaction in him to _help_. But there's nothing to help with. Kurt feels like he has nothing left to give at all, not even for himself, let alone for others.

"I can't stay" is all Kurt can say. He feels so empty. Maybe that's how it's going to be.

"Please. You promised you wouldn't run away again," Blaine asks, and his voice sounds almost terrified, but something feels wrong in that statement. This doesn't feel like running away, not the same way that he promised to not do. He promised to not run when he's scared to stay, but now he's not really afraid. He just can't stay. He doesn't want to.

"I'm not running away from my fears this time, Blaine. I just need to go." He let's out a laugh, that sounds scarily false even to himself. "It's funny, how scared I was that if something happened and I didn't have you anymore, then I would lose myself in the equation. Well, we'll see about that now, won't we?"

"What? You don't need to lose me, Kurt-" Blaine sounds heartbroken, and Kurt realises he never meant to say that, but it's done now, and maybe it's for the best. His voice gets a little softer anyway, for the next words.

"No, Blaine, I do need to. This is something I can't have you around for. I need to go." The words are coming out, and he doesn't even know if they make sense, but he needs to make Blaine understand. He's not exactly sure what Blaine needs to understand, either, which doesn't provide much comfort. He's not even really angry, he knows Blaine didn't mean it, would never do something like that on purpose, but it doesn't change the fact that it was Blaine's fingers the book dropped from, and it's just too much. So he leaves. On the doorway he remembers one more thing, and despite all the other horrible turmoil in his head, he needs to say at least this.

"I hope the exhibit will turn out well," he says, and he hopes it translates to 'Go on with the exhibit, even if I can't be there, and maybe, maybe I'll be there later.' Then he steps out, and thinks how the puzzle pieces are falling apart, made fragile with water, and he's left with soggy pieces of not-quite-wood in his hands.

* * *

**A/N:** So yeah, that was a pretty shitty character, mood-wise. (Hopefully not writing-wise.) Don't hate me too much, please? I swear it was necessary. Nights are always darkest just before the dawn or something like that. Bear with me! :)


	23. 067-069

**Author's note:** Hey, and thank you for the reviews and all that, again. :) It was desperately needed, while writing this particular chapter. It's the second to last one in this story and I was feeling some pressure to get it right. It's also the longest this far. Also, it was hard to write for obvious reasons (angst). Talking of which...

I've never done this before, but I want to dedicate this chapter to LvSammy, whose continuous support this week helped me to make this chapter happen. :)

So, yeah, second to last chapter and some angst to come, but things are coming around, I think. See for yourselves. :) And have fun reading!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Blah.

* * *

**067 - I love you**

_I guess this is how it feels like to drown in guilt. _That's what goes through Blaine's head as he walks out of Kurt's apartment building, after locking the door behind him and putting the extra key to it's hiding place. Kurt's words had been harsh, cutting his skin almost, but what was worse was that Blaine truly believed that he deserved them. _How could he have been so stupid? _The surroundings fade a little, out of focus, as he walks on and tries to keep himself intact. He hopes Kurt is okay, that he is not doing something stupid somewhere, because he knows how devastated Kurt must feel right now. He hopes someone is taking care of him. His words and the hollow look in his eyes had been enough for Blaine to know how deeply losing the book really had hurt him. They are both such a mess right now, but unlike usually, there's no way either of them could help the other now. He had been the one to hurt Kurt, no matter how unintentionally - it doesn't matter now, how sorry Blaine is, because it can't restore the damage. Maybe the worst is that Blaine _understands_ - he would have left himself too.

His phone rings, and he almost throws it to the concrete wall beside him as he realises it's his mother. He just doesn 't have the energy for that now. He answers anyway.

"Hi," he breathes.

"Hey, dear! How are you?" his mother's voice is falsely cheery, like it's been lately, when she's sincerely trying to connect but doesn't know how to do it. And Blaine just can't do this mockery of a parent-child conversation. Not now, when absolutely everything is falling apart. The raw sob comes out of his throat before he can stop it.

"Oh, darling, baby, what's wrong?" And there is the mother he remembers from early childhood. The mother who cleaned his scraped knee and blowed the wound better. The concern and love are so obvious Blaine has to believe it's true. It makes Blaine lose control, as he stops to lean against the wall and lets the tears fall.

"Mom…" it's a whispered plea. He hears his mother's voice hitch on the other side, out of compassion, and it makes Blaine let it all out. He tells his mom how he has been so afraid to lose Kurt, how there's been a weight between them for a while, and how this afternoon he destroyed the single most important thing Kurt owns and how Kurt had left, saying that he couldn't stay with him. He tells it all to the mom he remembers from years ago, the mom who was the center of his universe and was never wrong.

"He asked me how I could do it, with such a cold voice, even after I s-said it was an accident, and it was so painful to see his eyes so empty.. and mom, he said it was like I had k-killed him! And I guess.. I g-guess I did, because he said he lost his mother all over again, because of m-me, and that I can't be there for him for that." As he finishes with a sharp intake of breath, he just hopes the mother he has confessed all this to will not change back to the awkward one he barely knows these days. The worry is for nothing, because she's his mom, and he guesses, when a mom hears her son's heart breaking, there's nothing they would let stop them from trying to help, not even years of misunderstanding.

"Oh, darling boy.. Blaine dear.. I'm so sorry this happened." Her voice is full of care, and tears. "Just remember that it wasn't your fault. It could have happened to anybody, it could have happened to Kurt."

"It's like his mother's love personified to him, I doubt he would be so careless," Blaine's edging on sarcasm in his desperation for some comfort.

"Oh, but accident happen. That's how life works, honey. He must be devastated, and he has a good reason for it, but it doesn't help if you take all the guilt for his pain." Her voice is so devastatingly tender, and he wishes Kurt could have told him this, that it wasn't his fault. But he won't, because it isn't so easy for Kurt to forgive as it is to his mom.

"You didn't hear him, mom.. I'm pretty sure he h-hates me for it."

"Honey, he said some horrible things to you, but that's what people do when they lose something so dear that they can't handle it. It doesn't have to mean he meant it, I don't think he was even really aware of what he was saying. You know how I work in the ER, darling, and I've witnessed so many cruel things said and done to loved ones, when the loss is too immediate and too personal to care about anyone else's feelings beside your own."

"Are those really comparable situations?" Blaine hopes so badly that what his mother is saying is true. That this is the explanation for Kurt's words, not that Blaine fucked up so badly that Kurt hates him for it.

"I think they are, dear," she explains in a voice that only a mother can manage, a voice that fits around him like a blanket or a full body band-aid. "If the book really was what kept his mother's memory alive for him, this must feel like her dying all over again. I think Kurt needs some time now, to figure out how to keep believing in her love even without a physical reminder.. And it might take a while." Blaine let's out another sob, for relief or for pain, he's not sure.

"Blaine, darling, I'm not saying that how he handled things with you was right, or that you can't hurt because of it.. But people don't always do the right thing when they're hurting and in shock.. And it will hurt you more, if you take his pain as directed towards you. It's not your fault, honey, and he would have been faced with this sooner or later, regardless. It's his pain to deal with, and I'm sure when he gets over the worst, he's not going to be blaming you for it."

"So.. so you think we'll get over this?"

"Oh, honey.. I can't promise you that everything will return to the same, or that you two will get back, but baby, try not to be so devastated. From what I've heard, you two seem to be so good for each other, and that kind of love can survive a lot of battering. And even if it doesn't, you need to learn to believe that it's not all your fault. You are not the devil in this, no one is." There's apology in her voice, like she's sorry that she can't do more to help. But it has already been so much more than he could ever have asked for, from anyone, let alone his estranged mom. The honest and caring words, the comfort of her tender advice.. it makes all the difference.

"Thank you, mom," he says, voice breaking a bit, and it's the most honest thank you he's probably ever said to her.

/

A few hours later he get's a text from Rachel, of all people. He wonders what she's got to say, as she's probably the one taking care of Kurt right now. God, he just hopes Kurt is all right, or at least somehow coping and getting all the help he needs. After his mother's call, he has realised he isn't the right person to help, as painful as it feels to admit, because he had been the one to start this avalanche, and he might just make things worse. Kurt needs time away, time to figure things out without him around. And maybe he'll figure that he can forgive Blaine for what he unmeaningly did, and maybe not, but it needs to come on Kurt's terms. And maybe Blaine will survive the wait, and maybe he won't, but it's his problem now. His phone beeps again twice, and he resigns to opening the messages.

**Hey, Blaine. I hope you're ok. Kurt wanted me to tell you that he's with me and that you shouldn't worry. -R**

**I think what he's trying to say is, you shouldn't blame yourself and that he's sorry he ran off like that. -R**

**I think he's just trying to not do the same he did the last time he ran, by letting you know where he is and that he's not mad at you. -R**

Before Blaine can reply, there's one more message.

**Oh, and part of the deal is, if you want it, I can keep you updated, so you don't need to worry about him. -R**

_Thank you Rachel. Are you sure that's what he wants, really? -B_

**Personally, I would be hating you for this. But Kurt asked me, and I will do everything he needs to feel better. He says not to blame you, so that's what I'm doing. -R**

_Thank you for that, too. You're a good friend. Just tell me if he's doing ok and is safe. I hope that, whenever he's ready, he'll share the details with me, because he wants to. Just tell him I'm sorry. -B_

**He knows you're sorry. And he's hanging in there, it's painful to witness, but for what it's worth, the hard part doesn't seem to be you dropping the book but him mourning his mother. It'll take time. -R**

Somehow Rachel 's reluctant forgiveness makes Blaine feel marginally better. Which doesn't mean very much as the guilt and the pain he feels for Kurt's loss is still so overwhelming he's fighting to breathe under it. But he's hanging on his mother's words, and the implied message from Rachel that at least Kurt doesn't hate him, but instead cares enough to worry, through all his sorrow and loss, that Blaine is hurting. Blaine knows exactly how much effort it must have taken Kurt to even do this, and it makes his heart ache with the confirmation of Kurt's love that this is. Strangely, even if it makes it more painful, it's also just a little comforting. If he ever gets past the guilt and Kurt gets past the pain, maybe they'll have some hope. It's faint yet, this early into everything, but it's there.

Zach comes back a while later, and Blaine tells him the story, lets everything out for the second time, this time knowing that the listener is going to be physically there and would never leave him in need. Zach is the perfect friend anyone would be lucky to have, holding him close when Blaine feels like he's breaking apart, and letting him wet his shirt with the painful tears that won't stop. Zach doesn't offer many words beside the comforting nothings, not until much later, when Blaine's been able to let all the worry of the previous weeks and the pain of this day out in the open, and the feelings are not so drowning anymore. He refrains, until Blaine sits back on the bed, wipes his eyes and asks Zach the crucial question.

"What should I do now?"

"Do you want my honest answer?" Zach sound a bit wary.

"Of course, why?"

"I'm not sure if it's too early to say this, but.. I think what you need to do is to get up and focus on the exhibit. If Kurt gave you the permission to go with it, I think you need to concentrate on it, and make it the best damn exhibit you could." Blaine nods, it makes sense. "Kurt is going to need time and meanwhile, you need to hold on to your own life. I think… oh God, this is going to sound cruel, but.. I think this might even be good for you."

Blaine pulls away so fast he almost falls of the bed. The betrayal he feels in his friends last words is almost frightening.

"What the fuck do you mean, good?! There's nothing-"

"Blaine, listen to me before you blow off. I know it sounded horrible, but what I mean is.. I know you have a problem with being afraid that your loved ones abandon you if you are not useful for them. But that's not the way relationships work, and it sounds it was already a problem before today. Now he's gone, maybe for a while, maybe for good, and you need to learn that it isn't because you failed him. You need to learn that if he comes back after this, he's going to come back because he loves you and he cares about you, not because he needs you and you're doing things for him. I feel _so_ bad that all of this happened, but I think you should take this time to work with the issue. You can't build a real relationship, if you can only trust him to stay when he's dependent on you. And I would never have wished something like this to happen to either of you, but now it happened, and you will need to live with the fact it did happen."

Blaine doesn't want to hear Zach's words and he really doesn't want to believe in them, so he pushes Zach away from his bed and turns his back to him, facing the wall, like a child with a temper tantrum. How does his friend dare to say all that, like he knows so much better than Blaine, like he's mocking Blaine's pain, saying he deserves it almost.

/

Later that night, he gets one more text.

**I love you -K**

It's not a promise. It's not an apology, neither offered nor accepted. But it's simply a truth, in three simple words, and no matter what comes out of this situation, no matter if there will ever be Kurt and Blaine as a unit again, it's still true.

_I love you, too -B_

And maybe Zach hadn't been so wrong to say what he said. Because, apparently, love can exist, even when there's no reason for it.

* * *

**068 - It's just human**

The first hour after Kurt leaves Blaine in his apartment is a mess, all-encompassing numbness pierced erratically with sharp-edged, cutting pain. It seems like the pain of the loss is too immediate, too deep to feel for long, so his body shuts everything down instead. Until some errant thought gets through again. It is like he told Blaine, he feels like he's mother has died, or maybe he himself is the one dead, it's hard to keep those separate. He walks, because it gives him something to do, but it's not like he has some real destination. He walks aimlessly, and in hindsight he's thankful that he had been going towards the metro station and Rachel is returning from her dinner out with friends just then, because it's Saturday evening and wandering alone without realising where you are or what you are doing in this neighbourhood probably isn't the safest thing to do.

"Hey, Kurt! - Kurt? _Kurt?_" She shouts, and Kurt is present enough to realise someone is calling him, and register it's his best friend, changing from happy to nervous in seconds. She's the one he only now realises he really needs, now that he can't go to the one he would normally go to when he feels like falling. Blaine can't be there for this. That's the only clear thought, besides the fact, that his mother's book is gone and with it his dreams, his mother and himself. Otherwise it's just a downwards spiral of loss and wrong. He feels Rachel's warm hands caressing his cheek, and he wonders why, until he realises she's wiping away tears he hadn't even noticed he had been crying. Then she wraps her arms around him, and he lets her hold his body intact, hold his balance, and he's never understood how strong the small and petite Rachel really is until now, when she's the only thing holding him up and intact.

He lets Rachel help him in a small coffee shop that's still open, and brings a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. He drinks when she tells him to, and he doesn't notice the taste but he can feel the warmth it gives to his cold body. He's pretty sure Rachel hasn't spoken much, if at all, and the small part of him capable of feeling something else besides the loss is grateful for that. He gets out a sentence, eventually, not very coherent but enough to make Rachel understand that The Book of Dreams is destroyed and that Blaine had something to do with it.

After a while she asks if Kurt is ready to walk, and for some reason Kurt feels he might be - it's like Rachel's precense is already helping, making him realise he isn't so very alone in the world after all. They walk slowly back, holding hands as if to bind them two together against all the bad things that have happened and can happen in this world. She smiles to him, a sad smile that says she's going to be there through anything, and it helps him to breathe.

/

Rachel is telling him to do what he normally does when there's an immediate panic or pain. "Concentrate on the simple things, the easy things, Kurt," she whispers, sitting next to him, and he knows she would hold him if Kurt would accept it. He needs to somehow make sense of what happened, but before that he needs to actually survive this feeling. So he does what she says, thinks about the simple things like heartbeats and the sounds of the street below, but when he starts to think about natural, Blaine's face is the first that comes to his mind. Blaine, who he needs so bad, because he's the one who Kurts's learned to lean on, whose love he's learned to count on.

"I want Blaine," Kurt breathes out and Rachel offers to call him and ask him to come, but Kurt says no. He says no, because Blaine is not a simple answer anymore, Blaine is the obvious but wrong answer, because along all the need and the yearning comes the too vivid image of Blaine's hand slowly losing it's hold on a notebook, despite him never even seeing that happen. And with that comes the resentment, the almost hatred, the blame he wants to lay on Blaine for being so careless, for letting it happen. And immediately follows the desperate guilt for feeling that, because he knows, knows with all his heart, that Blaine did not mean it and is hurting over it just as much as Kurt is. Which doesn't make anything better, because he doesn't want Blaine hurting, he doesn't want Blaine to feel hurt over this, even if that small dark part of his brain - the part that feels like he's dying - says it's what Blaine deserves. But no, he hates the idea of Blaine hurting and feeling guilty, because he knows without a doubt that that's what Blaine is feeling right now, and suddenly he can't stand the thought.

He tells Rachel to write Blaine a message, to keep him posted and tell him to not worry about Kurt, to not blame himself so much, because he wants Blaine to know this but he can't do it himself as long as there is a part of him thinking that this overwhelming feeling of loss is Blaine's fault.

And that is why Blaine can't be the answer to get over this. He realises he needs to talk to someone who understands, but who isn't a part of this. And there really is only one person.

/

"Hey, kiddo, is everything ok?" Burt answers his call, with a slightly concerned voice, and if he just knows something's wrong. Kurt didn't even know he was ready to talk, as he hasn't said almost anything since he met Rachel, but with his dad's warm concern it all comes out, fast, unstoppable. He tells everything to Burt and to Rachel, who's sitting there next to him holding his free hand, and it's so indescribably freeing to just _speak_. It's like he gets the first breath of clean air after being buried alive. He realises that explaining everything that's been going on and what happened today, saying it out loud, makes it just a bit smaller, just enough to be a little more manageable and not so out of control. At some point, Rachel leaves with a small smile, and Kurt is left with just his father's gentle words, that tell him the world isn't over and that it's not actually as bad as it feels now. From someone else the words would feel patronising, but his father has lost his mother just as much as he has, so Burt has the right to say that even if no one else has.

"Do you remember your mother's wedding ring? You used to sneak into our room to hold it and look at it, after she died." His voice is tender, and like it's a beginning of a story.

"Yes," Kurt whispers. He doesn't know where this is going, but he also trusts his father enough to know it's worth hearing.

"Do you know where it is now?"

"..No?"

"Well. I don't know that, either." Burt's voice is sad but calm, accepting the truth.

"Wh-what?"

"I lost it. It was in her dresser drawer, like you remember, but I tried not to think about it too much as it was a too strong a reminder.. So, when Carole moved in and we gave the dresser away.. I never remembered it was still in there. Not until much later. And for a while I felt like I had betrayed her, that my forgetting had killed her all over again in my memories. But do you know what I learned, Kurt?"

"What did you learn?" Kurt's whispers again, voice small and weak, hoping for any kind of assurance or comfort.

"That even though it was her wedding ring, it was still just a ring." The voice is so achingly tender, it feels like healing to Kurt. "It was a symbol of your mother's vows to me. But it was just an object, just a symbol. I lost the ring, but I didn't lose my memories or your mother's love." Kurt takes in a shuddering breath, because he's starting to get where this is going.

"It hurt like hell and I hated myself for losing it. I was so ashamed I didn't even dare to tell you. And I still am so, so sorry I lost it. But, I learned to accept it, because I can't get the ring back, but I can't let that change the way I remember her and carry her around in my heart." A short pause, probably for Kurt to prepare himself for the next part. "And Kurt, buddy, your mother's book is just as much only an object. Granted, it's probably the most meaningful object you've owned, it's the biggest symbol of your mother's love and all the things she wanted you to have in your life. But it's still just a book."

"It hurts much more than losing 'just a book' though," Kurt says, wanting to challenge, because calling it just a book is just a little bit too much for him.

"Yeah, I know. I know, Kurt, I really do. I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt. I know losing it reminds you of her death, and you lost something you can never get back. But you didn't lose your mother's love, Kurt, you could never lose that. She loved you so much, and she wanted so much for you, after your birth she filled her own Book of Dreams with more dreams she dreamed for you than she did for herself. She gave you the book, because she wished with all her heart that you would get everything you ever wanted in your life. She wanted the whole world for you, Kurt. That hasn't changed."

"But.. but what about my dreams.. they're gone, I can't read them anymore."

"Oh, but, Kurt, you can still dream. Maybe you won't remember everything, but you will remember the ones that truly matter. You're allowed to dream even if your book is gone. You are still allowed to fight for your dreams and believe in them. "

"I promised her I would always keep it," Kurt lets out with a sob, because he's broken such an important promise, and it's painful, no matter what his father says.

"No, you haven't, not really. Not until you stop dreaming, Kurt, because that's what she wanted you to promise." And Kurt can't quite believe it's that easy, not yet, but the words are slowly seeping through his body, and they make him feel that much more alive again, gives him the feeling of hope that he had momentarily lost. Which brings back the other part of his loss.

"And Blaine, dad? What- …how-" and he doesn't even know what he's really asking.

"Blaine had an accident. He made a mistake. And I'm pretty sure he's feeling really bad about it." His dad's voice is loving, but also neutral, like he's trying not to push Kurt for any thoughts now.

"Yeah, I know, and I know he didn't do it on purpose, but…"

"But you still blame him?" There is no accusation, just simple acceptance.

"I…. I don't want to _blame_ him. He didn't mean to do it, and he's so sorry, dad, he's so sorry. And yet, I just can't forgive him," Kurt says, and it feels like a stab into his own body, and to Blaine's at the same time.

"It's okay, Kurt. You can't forgive him, not yet at least, and there's no right or wrong about that, it's just human. You feel like a human being does, and you don't need to feel bad about it. You are allowed to feel."

"But I don't _want_ to, dad. And at the same time, I feel like it's the only thing I _can_ feel. I'm so messed up."

"Buddy, it's more than understandable to be messed up after something like this. It's devastating to lose something so important. But when you are ready to think about it, you should really think whether you are ready to give up Blaine, the guy you sincerely love based on what I've heard from you, only because of this. And there is no right answer to that, Kurt. You need to figure out whether this is something you can forgive, either sooner or later, or if it's too hard to ever get over. Give yourself time to get over the pain and the loss, because even if it's just a book, it still hurts, I know. And then take some time to figure what you really feel and what feels like worth your effort. And just know that me and your mother will always love you. Don't let this put you down, you are a survivor."

/

When he thinks about the conversation later, he remembers two things. He still has his mother's love, and he is a survivor. When he thinks about Blaine, he can feel the love still there. His love is not an answer to his questions, not as long as Blaine's name is still connected to his hands, which are connected to a falling book, but it's something he can't and doesn't want to deny. He can't go back to Blaine as long as that feeling is there, and maybe it will always be there. But he still loves.

If all this has shown him something, it is that no single person can be counted on to always be there for him, that there is always going to be a time when that person won't be there. When Blaine won't be there. And he wants to prove to himself that he can survive this kind of fall alone, that he can truly get over this and find himself again without anyone's support, because he needs to know that he can count on himself. And only if he finds he can forgive and forget what Blaine did and only if he learns that he can indeed count on himself to survive, only then he can go back to Blaine. But there is still something he can tell Blaine, and that is why he sends the text with the simplest yet most important message of all.

_I love you -K_

* * *

**069 - The exhibit**

"_The first sight"_ - A shot of an angelic boy lost in thought, flooded with natural light inside a library.

Blaine looks at the large print, trying to see what he saw then, when he didn't know a single thing about the boy. It's hard, because he knows so much now. It's been two weeks since he dropped the Book of Dreams and since he last saw the boy in real life, instead of just in these photos. It feels longer than that. He's felt almost every emotion in the book since then, changing from anger (towards who or what, he's not sure) to hurt to guilt to apathy to some kind of acceptance and back to pain again. It's the last day of the exhibit and he feels strangely calm. He just wants to go through it once more, before it's taken down. He walks over to the next photo.

_"I want to see the future like the lady in the circus." _- Kurt, all in white, surrounded with candle-light.

He had been so unsure that day, so timid and scared, ready to run at the first loud noise. He has changed so much, the determination to be strong and survive slowly but surely winning his fears. Blaine has been thinking a lot these weeks, like Zach had told him to. He has thought about his own fear of losing Kurt, and how that had made him clingy and annoying even in his own opinion, and how it had only worked towards building a wall between them. He's starting to see how destroying it could be to their relationship, if he didn't learn to trust Kurt's own want to stay by his side. It would be hard to get over his insecurities, but he would work his hardest to do it, if Kurt would ever decide to return to Blaine.

"_21. I want to be the president of the USA" - _Kurt sitting in front of the US flag, all suited up and official looking.

_No, not like that._ He would try his hardest to work on his issues, if Kurt would come back, and if he would tell Blaine that he really wanted this, wanted them, not only needed it because Blaine was helping him. If Kurt would come back and say that he could forgive and forget what Blaine didn't mean to do but did anyway, if he would promise it in a way that would dissuade Blaine from his own feeling of guilt. If Blaine could see the sincerity and believe it, and then let himself trust in that belief. It would have to be a two-way street, hard work and sincerity from both of them.

_"37. I want to learn to do martial arts." - _Kurt, the most vicious Blaine's ever seen him be, hitting the training dummy in his taekwondo outfit in the unforgiving fluorescent lights of the dojang.

This was the shot his parents had admired the most, saying Kurt looked so strong, so fierce and determined. Blaine knows Kurt's like that because of all the pain he was feeling, but his parents don't know that, they only saw what was before their eyes.

His mother and father coming personally to see his exhibit had been a surprise. Blaine had spent numerous hours in the exhibit hall every day, listening in what the occasional visitors where thinking, sometimes telling them he was the artist, sometimes pretending to be just another curious passer-by. That's where his parents had found him, just a few days after it was opened, hugging him and telling him how proud they were. It had been stilted, awkward even, especially with his father, who didn't know how to act around him, and he was wondering if it was because of the phone call with his mom earlier or because they were seeing in person for the first time since Christmas. It wasn't all natural with his mother either, but her hug was warm and comforting, and full of the words she didn't quite know how to say aloud.

He had shown them around the room, and they had praised Blaine's skills and Kurt's skills as a model, all the while skipping around the subject of the unresolved situation between the two boys. Blaine was glad and a little sad at the same time. But they had stayed for the night, and the next day, and his mom had found a time alone with him to just talk. She didn't have much to add to her advice, but instead she had held him tight and kissed his forehead like she hadn't done in such a long time, and it had made the visit so worth it. And when they were leaving the hotel back to the airport, his father had hugged him too, and the awkward pat on his back had spelled Blaine the support and acceptance he didn't know how to show otherwise. It had been a good visit, despite the fumbling around and Blaine feeling down. It had salved a lot of hurt, giving Blaine a sight of what could possibly be, in the future, for their family.

_"33. I want to be one of the cool guys_." - Kurt leaning on the bar, cigarette in his hand, looking so much like a confident player he could have got anybody fooled.

Blaine remembers that day, how so much had gone right and then so wrong, how they both hadn't yet understood each other at all. How much they had misunderstood things, Blaine thinking Kurt was too fragile and didn't want his advances, and Kurt thinking Blaine had found him unattractive and rejected him. So much had changed on that front too. They've learned to read each other, to know each other well enough to know how they react to things, how they feel about things, how they act when they are angry or hurt or insecure. They've learned what the other needs when they feel those things. Blaine's learned that Kurt sometimes needs his time alone and Kurt's learned to accept the help eventually. Kurt's learned that Blaine can hide his insecurity behind his confidence and has learned the right words to get through that and make Blaine feel better about himself.

And suddenly he really hopes they will find away around all the bad things, because that understanding, that mutual support, it's worth a lot. It's might not be easy, but he's pretty sure it would be worth it.

"_70. I want to be fluent in some exotic language."_ - Kurt an Aino in their own comic strip, with the bubbles on their heads spelling the conversation that very few of the visitors of this exhibit would understand.

Friendship. They had made friends too, during this project, first with each other but then with others, as well. Kurt had met Aino and slowly she had become Blaine's friend too. Kurt had met Zach, and those two had hit it off surprisingly well after Kurt got over his inhibitions around the outspoken guy. Blaine had somehow reached a mutual understanding with Kurt's best friend and room mate Rachel, despite all her quirks. And perhaps one of the most beautiful accidents, Aino and Zach had met each other, and found a partner in each other, against all kinds of odds. Blaine doesn't know what will happen to the group of friends now, if Kurt and Blaine won't find each other, but he's thankful for ever having them anyway. And like his mother told him, he's not going to lose his hope just yet.

"_13. One day I want to be in the space like Neil Armstrong"_ - No clear face this time, just a slight silhouette just identifiable amidst the dark black, riddled with stars.

His Night sky, literally. The beginning of their relationship, the moment they agreed to be boyfriends. To the people who don't know them, it must look like just an free interpretation of a boyish childhood dream, but to Blaine it's the visual image of the silly but important nickname. They had been so happy but so much had still been going on then, in Kurt's head. Bad things.

_"12. I want to be a mermaid like Ariel" - _A shot at the bottom of a swimming pool, Kurt with a mermaid's tail, surrounded by the random objects and looking so serene.

Serenity that in hindsight had been a lie. One of the worst things Blaine has ever had to think about in hindsight. His own happiness and the way he had sincerely believed Kurt was just as happy, when in reality the boy had been forcing himself to do things he wasn't ready for, literally pushing through his fears to give Blaine something he thought Blaine wanted. He never wants that to happen again.

_"55. Sometimes I just want to hurt them like they've hurt me." - _Kurt with the blindfold on, holding the two words like a sword and a shield, telling a tale of protecting yourself against the world.

He remembers how Kurt forced himself to do this photo shoot, how uncomfortable he had been with the blindfold, and how he had lied about it all when Blaine asked. Until it all had exploded the day after. He remembers that last time Kurt had run away from him, because something scary happened, and he can see the resemblance to what they are going through now. But he can also see how different the two times are. This time, Blaine knows exactly why Kurt is gone, knows exactly what is hurting him. And he also knows and has accepted that it's better for Kurt to be away from him now, no matter how hard it might be. This time, Kurt has taken Blaine's feelings into account, giving him a chance to know how Kurt is doing and that he's relatively ok, through Rachel and through that single text message he sent the first night.

Rachel has been sending him texts almost every day, not telling any details as per Blaine's own request, instead just letting him know in various different wordings the same thing. That Kurt is coping, safe, and doing a little better every day. It's a relief, even if it doesn't really tell anything Blaine doesn't already know. But that was never really the purpose of the texts and Blaine knows it. They are more of a symbol, they're Kurt's message that he doesn't have any ill will towards Blaine, and that he needs time but he hasn't forgotten him. That he can promise no kind of happily ever afters, but he's trying and he hasn't given up yet.

He steps around the room, looking at the next few photos. It's haunting, to see these photos laid out. What he sees is growth, growth of their relationship and of Kurt's courage and determination. They make him realise how he really doesn't want to hold Kurt back - what he really wants is for Kurt to fly high, and just hope that Blaine would be taken on the flight. He really wants to trust.

"_I want my fairy god mother to come and tell me I'm a lost prince and then she brings me to a big castle and I have tea parties with the other princes and princesses and they all love me" - _All their friends, looking so happy and content, drinking tea in the playground in their Disney princess and prince outfits.

It's so innocent, just like that moment in time had been for them, a small breather between hard things to solve. It had been beautiful.

_"57. I want to fly so high no one can touch me." - _Kurt on the roof top, wind in his hair and surrounded by all that open sky.

How much that photo symbolises Kurt's own quest for freedom in his life, how hard he has worked to get there. And it's still a dream, even as a figure of speech, for Kurt to fly so high that nothing can touch him. Because there's still a lot of things that can and will touch him and pull him down, like his Book of Dreams being destroyed (by his boyfriend of all people, Blaine adds, feeling the surge of guilt again) a good example of that. But Kurt is strong, and with or without Blaine, he knows Kurt will get up and heal his wings and rise back up there.

_"I want to be an elf and live in the forest forever" - _Kurt in the snowy Central park, in all his elvish glory, looking so detached and above it all.

How even his childhood dreams translate to being strong and unyielding against any difficulties.

"_One day you'll all work for me_" - Kurt sitting in a chair, feet on the table in the retro office, and an evil boss expression times hundred on his face.

His beautiful, beautiful Kurt, who had been so broken inside, so unsure of himself, and still so many of these dreams are dreams of grandeur, of superiority, of getting out there and showing them all. And he will. Blaine knows he will. As he looks at these photos, really looks at them, he knows without a doubt that Kurt will get over this setback, in one way or another, and he will show everyone in the world just how strong he really is.

"_102. I want to rebel against the rules and all that's good and proper." - _The horribly bad, messy photo with Kurt and Aino being and looking ridiculous, the picture making no sense at all even as a humorous shot.

The last photo that breaks all the rules. That breaks any boundaries that might have been left. He wishes Kurt would have come to see the exhibit, if not for anything else, then to see how many barriers Kurt has broken through, how far he has gotten. And how it had been all him, how it was all because Kurt had been courageous and strong enough to do it.

Blaine hears someone entering the hall. He turns around, and sees the person whose face he has been staring at for the last half hour, standing there, flesh and blood. His heart jolts, and he knows this is it. This will be the moment that either makes or breaks them. He's not prepared, he's so horribly unprepared for this conversation, but he's going to have it, anyway.

"You came," he lets out and his throat feels dry.

"Yeah. I came," Kurt says, smiling weakly, and it's so small and tentative and unsure, but so very real.

* * *

**A/N:** The good news is, I'm not sick anymore. The bad news is, I have to write a 20 page essay by monday, reviewing two doctoral theses, one of which I haven't even started reading yet (it's 500 pages and boring). Which means, the final chapter of this story just might be late.

If there is anything you would desperately want to see in the last chapter or the epilogue, please tell me now and I might take it into account!


	24. 070-072

**Author's note:** OH, my God, guys.. I spent four days never once stepping out of my tiny appartment, only reading, writing and sleeping, but I finished my essay! And then got around to writing the last chapter of this story. So it's a few days late, but I'd still call it an accomplishment!

So. This is it. The last chapter of Kiss me goodbye. I hope it'll be satisfying for all of you and answers most of your questions. It was hard to write, but I think it came out fine in the end. I really, really hope you like it, and the whole of this story!

The epilogue will be up sometime next week, and I'm pretty sure I already know what it will consist of, but you can still suggest stuff if you feel like it. :) And, I think I'm going to write a one-shot or two for this story, to fulfill some requests, but there won't be enough to make any kind of a sequel, so I think I'll just post them as an extra chapter to this, as some kind of a post-sequel thingie. If you have better ideas or are strongly opposed to posting those this way, you are free to tell me how I should do it, instead! :)

God. I feel so sad and happy at the same time. I just want to say a very special, very big thank you for all of you who have supported and helped me with your reviews and PM's and favourites and follows and whatever else. Just reading this. Thanks. I love you all. And sorry for the long, mushy AN, I'm feeling sentimental.

Go read! And tell me what you thought!

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Still don't own anything.

* * *

**070 - He can have both.**

Every day feels a little better, a little more hopeful, that maybe this wasn't the end of everything after all. Losing his Book of Dreams had been so unexpected and shocking that it put him into a state of mind, where everything lost it's meaning, like he had lost everything else in his life too. But he had forced himself to continue, angry enough to the old him, that is threatening to pull him back down, to do the exact opposite and force himself to go on with his life. He's been to school, he's done all the school work, and he's consiously spent time doing things he likes like cooking and reading. He's written a lot, about his feelings and about other things, in between.

And as he's forcing him to continue with it all, slowly things are starting to look less severe, less hopeless. He feels himself cured bit by bit with the almost daily conversations with his Dad, with the talks with Rachel (trying to explain to her than _no, he doesn't blame Blaine but he also can't forgive him, and yes it's a bit of an oxymoron, but that's human emotions for you_), and the one or two run-ins with Aino, who seems so happy with her own life currently but still always has some time for her friend to listen or just take his mind off things. The sense of loss is still strong, but it's starting to become the loss of a very important book, a beloved possession, instead of a loss of his mother, his dreams and everything the physical evidence of his mother's love had made him brave enough to believe in.

It's almost scary how fast he is feeling better about it all, compared to how devastating that first day had been. He feels guilty, like he's letting his mother down by getting over it so fast, even though his father keeps saying that she would have wanted him to not let something like this keep him down. That she would be proud. And he also feels afraid that it's somehow not real, that him getting better is just a huge lie his brain is making up to mess with him, a lie that will one day be revealed and take the ground from under his feet again. He feels like he shouldn't be feeling better, and at the same time he's so very relieved that he is, because letting life and hope win you over again feels like breathing in the fresh air of the mountains.

So he's stuck between letting himself be the strong, resilient guy he has recently found himself becoming, and not believing in himself enough to trust that guy to be true. But despite the doubts, he's forcing himself to go on, and every day it feels a bit easier.

He misses Blaine, so much. That's the feeling that isn't getting better - if anything, it's getting worse. He misses Blaine, because he knows his support would be a given, he would have it if he would just reach and take it, and it feels so tempting to not face all this alone. He misses Blaine, because he knows Blaine is feeling equally bad about how things are, probably missing Kurt just as much, and he wants to make Blaine not feel like that anymore. But mostly, he misses Blaine, because he loves him, and wants to spend time with him, he misses his beautiful eyes that are always so sincere, his hands that are always ready to touch, his wonderful mind that can go from serious to excited in mere seconds if he gets an inspiration, the ridiculously loveable way he can say 'Night sky' and make Kurt feel whole and home and safe. And that is why somewhere deep down he knows that he won't let go of Blaine like this, not because of something so trivial as a book, no matter how important the book may be.

To be honest, at first his inability to forgive had been the main reason he didn't contact Blaine. But it's not really the biggest reason anymore, after two weeks of thinking and re-evaluating things and regathering himself. He thinks that, if it was only because of the blame, he might have already gone to Blaine, told him he's forgiven and that Kurt is sorry for leaving Blaine like that, and asked him to please take Kurt back and be there for him again. But he can't. Because there is something in his head and heart that says he simply can't do that, not yet. And after all this time spent thinking about his feelings, he knows exactly what it is.

It's the same thing that worried him before all this mess. He had been so scared that his newly found courage was all Blaine's doing, and that he wouldn't have it without him. He hadn't really feared that he would lose Blaine, because there really was no reason to fear that Blaine would leave him, but he had feared losing his own independence. And now that all this happened, it's like his whole being is putting up some sort of self-defence mechanism, not allowing him to seek help from the guy he had feared he couldn't go on without. Not until he's proven himself that he actually can go on without it.

He has to show himself that he can survive alone, that he could have a life without Blaine, before he can make any decisions. Going back to Blaine now would essentially mean really giving up his independence, and his survival instincts don't let him do that. Not until he knows his happiness isn't wholly dependent on some other person. Because other people can never be trusted to always be there, and it's not a bitter statement but purely a fact of life.

It's the last day of Blaine's exhibition and Kurt is very much aware of that. He knows that if he wants to see the exhibit, today is the last chance. He's been avoiding the place this far, but really, it feels like he would lose so much if he never sees it. His Book of Dreams meant a lot, but this exhibit and those photos put up there in public to honor his mother and himself mean a lot too. He's just so afraid to see Blaine until he's ready for it, because he doesn't know what he should say or how to say it, and he's also afraid that he might lose the determination he's found and just let himself go back and be comforted by Blaine, if he actually saw him.

Which is why today morning he had finally decided not to go, and travelled to the Theater district, simply because it's far away from the library where the exhibit is held, and because it offers him bright lights and intriguing posters to distract him. Pretty soon though, he figures being out there in the middle of the day isn't all that interesting, so he finds a small café nearby and settles down to drink some coffee and watch the people walk by. It's calming, to see so much life, despite most of the people being in so much hurry he doubts they actually realise they're living. It's calming because he feels part of this city and these people.

Then someone sits at Kurt's table and he's startled out of his musings. He looks up, surprised as the café isn't even half full, only to see the guy from a few weeks back, Adam, smiling at him friendly. Wearing a beanie and hair artfully tousled, looking almost disturbingly handsome.

"Hey, Kurt, right? You never called me," he says, and it's a flirt, but there's no uncomfortable teasing or pushing, just a friendly conversation starter. And he really feels like Adam is a nice guy, someone who he might have fallen for, in some other universe where he hadn't met Blaine. It's somehow a little bittersweet, because Adam had been the one to start all his fears about whether he would even be able to be with anyone other than Blaine. And now Adam's stitting there and Kurt thinks he should be at least a little angry, but it's really not Adam's fault. Adam had just been the nice guy who had offered him his phone number and a smile. The nice guy who had been interested, but really knew nothing about him. He smiles back at the boy, and surprisingly wholly means it.

"Hey. Kurt is correct. And you're Adam, right?" Of course he knows Adam's name, but it seems a bit too much to let that out. Adam seems pleased that Kurt remembered his name, as his smile widens and Kurt can't help but notice the dimples.

"Yeah, it's a relief to hear I left at least some sort of impression." He smiles the smile that manages to be both flirty and completely friendly and non-threatening.

"What brings you here?" Kurt asks, to say something.

"Oh, I had an audition.. I could ask the same of you?" Kurt knows it's a simple question, and he could lie without Adam pushing for the truth. But for some reason he goes for the truth, or at least some version of it, anyway.

"My boyfriend.. well, I think he's still my boyfriend," Kurt starts, and Adam let's a short, half-joking 'shame', before nodding to him to continue. "Anyway. He's a photographer. And he has this small exhibit up, consisting of pictures of me, but just before it opened he accidentally destroyed something really dear and irreplaceable to me, and now I don't really know what to do about it." Adam's still smiling, but it's turned to something like contemplation and compassion and wanting to help. And Kurt doesn't even know this guy, but somehow he feels like he can and wants to trust him. So when he asks Kurt to elaborate, Kurt ends up explaining the whole story, from their meeting to them starting the project, to them becoming boyfriends, to Kurt slowly learning to trust and changing from a shy timid boy to a much more daring one, to Blaine dropping the book into dishwater and making everything fall with it, and finally to this day and the exhibit closing and Kurt's inability to choose whether to go or not.

"Quite a story," Adam comments and there's no malice in it, just understanding.

"Yeah," Kurt agrees, a little self-deprecatingly.

"And now you don't know what you should do," Adam says, and it's merely a fact.

"No, I don't." They're both quiet for a while, and then Adam reaches to take Kurt's hand that's still holding his empty cup on the table. It takes Kurt by surprise and he looks up to Adam's eyes to see if he's miscalculated the boy after all, but it's just a gesture of support.

"Well.. For what it's worth, at least to me, it seems like you've already proven that you are a pretty strong guy who can trust himself to survive the toughest things." Adam's tone almost sounds like he's impressed and a little awed. "You are a pretty great guy, Kurt. I'm kinda sad that you're taken, but this guy of yours is lucky to have you. I hope you'll figure it out."

Somehow that regret Adam openly shows for not having a chance with Kurt, and that hand still holding his, so warm around it, makes him see something he hadn't before. He thinks of that other world, where Kurt didn't have Blaine, how he might have met Adam and how Kurt might have said yes when Adam asked him out. He thinks about that parallel universe where they might have been lovers, where it would have been Adam instead of Blaine who comforts him through the hard patches and who Kurt helps with his own in return. He sees them, walking hand in hand on the streets of whatever English town Adam is from, or bringing him to meet his dad and showing him around in rural Ohio. It's not such a bad picture at all. In fact, it seems almost appealing.

And it's this thought, this other future he can see for himself, that makes him realise that he already has a future. A future he has chosen, when he chose to trust and love Blaine. And as he sees himself having other options, sees life going other ways and him being equally happy in these other versions of the story, he knows that he isn't and shouldn't be with Blaine simply because there is no one else there for him, or because he would be nothing without Blaine. He can see himself being content without Blaine, and somehow that is exactly what he needs to realise that Blaine is the one he wants to be content with. It makes him realise, that he can really be with Blaine with no worries of compromising himself, because now he knows he isn't giving up his own independence by being with him. It's simply him choosing this option, choosing Blaine, because Blaine feels right, and Kurt already loves him with all his heart, and Blaine is the guy he realises he can forgive even for something as big as destroying his Book of Dreams. It's a wonderful, and so very relieving realisation, because it tells him that he can have Blaine and he can have himself, too. He doesn't have to choose in between the two, he can have both. And he wants both.

He can also go see the exhibit, because it's the other the Book of Dreams that he still has, the one that Blaine built with him, in words and in photographs. And there's no question anymore, whether it's a good idea to go. He squeezes Adam's hand swiftly and then slides his own away, giving Adam a thankful smile.

"I think I know what to do now," Kurt says and gets up from his chair with a happy, hopeful, slightly breathless grin. "I have to go, because I'm too far and there's almost no time, but thank you Adam, really, for listening and for everything." His thank you is rushed, but comes from the bottom of his heart, because this wonderful, nice guy had helped him to understand something very important. As he looks at those blue eyes, he can see something like regret in them amongst the friendly support, and he thinks maybe he should apologise for something.

But Kurt doesn't have more time to think about it now, because he has somewhere very important to be.

* * *

**071 - A moment**

"You came," he lets out and his throat feels dry.

"Yeah. I came," Kurt says, smiling weakly, and it's so small and tentative and unsure, but so very real. Kurt takes a hesitating step toward Blaine and Blaine can see he's trying to say something but it's not quite coming out.

"Did you…" Blaine starts, and he doesn't even know what he's trying to say, but it seems to remove whatever block Kurt had, anyway.

A deep breath, and then "I love you, Blaine." His eyes are so very clear and shining, and Blaine thinks that he might see his own eyes in them if he'd be close enough. "I love you and I want to be with you." _Want._ It's the word that Zach had told him, the word that made all the difference. It's everything he wanted to hear, even if nothing is solved yet. Want.

"But.. what about the book? I.. I dropped it, and I'm so unbelievably sorry, but sorry can't bring it back to you…" Blaine says, although it hurts to say, because it's the truth that he can't change. Now he needs to know if either of them will be able to move past it, before he lets any kind of hope come to him. Kurt takes another deep breath, and Blaine gulps, because this moment feels so loaded, so monumental.

"I.. I know that, and I forgive you Blaine. I think I forgave you long time ago already. It hurts, of course it hurts, and it's not going to stop hurting anytime soon, but it's still just a book. And I know, I always knew, that you didn't mean it and that you would never do something like that to me. And I don't want to let something like a book, an accident, to take you away from me." Kurt's eyes are digging into his, or that's how it feels. Blaine tries to hear, and he does, but the whole thing feels so massive in this moment. He wants Kurt, he wants them together, he wants so many things, but there are so many questions still, so many fears and worries.

"Can you really move past it? Just like that?" Some little shimmer of desperate hope comes through his words and he knows Kurt can hear it. Kurt gives Blaine a smile that is half fake and doesn't go deep, but it's an offer, real in the sense that it's intented to reassure. It feels good, to Blaine.

"I can't promise you to just forget it, or move past it, this fast. And there is still a part of me that resents you for it. But it's already going away, Blaine, and it's going, because I realised that I can get over it. And more importantly, I want to get over it, because it's just a book, and I didn't lose anything else with it, I didn't lose myself or my mother's memory.. But if I let you go, then I really lose a lot more. I'll lose your love and your friendship, I'll lose the most wonderful person I know, who I love, for all his good things and for all his flaws. And that would be so much worse."

While Kurt's talking, he slowly moves towards Blaine, and by the end he's right next to him and takes his hand in his own, smiling softly at him. And it is exactly like Blaine thought, it's huge, it's a monumental moment. But it's good, so good. Blaine's heart beats faster, like he's excited or maybe scared, or merely just knows how important this is and is making sure that his brain has enough oxygen to process this. Kurt's hand on his feels almost too warm, the touch feels highlighted, because it's exactly what he's been missing these two weeks. Just touch, just knowing Kurt's there. _I love you too._

"If.. If you already forgave me earlier, then.. what kept you away?" Blaine asks, because suddenly he really has to know. He needs answers and he needs the right ones, before he can let himself believe. He watches thoughts and emotions flicker on Kurt's face, and for a second he seems unsure, but then he settles with determination.

"I stayed away, because I needed to prove myself I _could_. That I could survive without you." It hurts Blaine, and he knows it probably shouldn't, but it's like a confirmation of all the fears he had before, all of those fears of being unneeded and left behind, and his face falls. He doesn't mean it to, but it does.

"What?" Kurt asks, and his voice is so caring and so worried, and Blaine doesn't want to feel like this, because it's the thought pattern he's trying to get rid of, but it's just not that simple and easy. He looks down, because he doesn't dare to look at Kurt while saying this.

"I..I was so afraid that, once this project was over and.. and now that you've become so much braver and unafraid.. that you wouldn't need me anymore and that you would leave me for someone better, someone more interested, or I don't know.. just leave me." He hates how insecure, how broken he sounds. This is not how Blaine is, or wants to be. But it's the truth, it's exactly what he's been fearing, before and after all this mess, and it still feels real even after Zach told him that it's exactly the worst way of thinking. When Blaine looks up again, Kurt's eyes flash with something, understanding and maybe compassion. It makes Blaine realise, that Kurt is probably the best person to understand insecurities and fears, he's fought and got over so many of them. Usually it's the other way around, but Kurt supporting him is equally right, because Blaine is not Kurt's supporter, they're equal in this.

"Oh, Blaine.." Kurt says, and his voice is full of some new kind of insight, like he finally knows what's going on. A revelation of some kind.. "I knew there was something going on with you, too, before all this book fiasco. You were so clingy and so close all the time, but it felt almost desperate… Was this the reason?"

"Yes," Blaine breathes. It was, but Kurt's concern still doesn't make the earlier comment make sense or hurt less. "But.. I don't understand. Why did you need to stay away from me?" Kurt looks at him in a way that tells him to please listen and understand him in this.

"I had my own problems, just like you. I had given myself over so completely, I'd fallen in love with you, given myself to you body and soul, and I could never regret that.. but it was also terrifying.. Because I was so happy, and you helped me with so much, and I was afraid that all this," he points at himself, "all of me and my newfound courage was only because of you and that I would lose it if I ever lost you. I didn't trust myself." Kurt's eyes reflect the pain that comes with this admission, but also there's the sense of being over it, like Kurt's understood something Blaine doesn't yet know.

"What changed? What made you come to me now, then?" And it's perhaps the most important question of all.

"It worked. I stayed away and I proved myself that I could be alone, be without you and still keep a hold of myself." The smile that comes is small and yet so triumphant it almost startles Blaine. "I realised that I could be without you, and that I don't need you Blaine, not in the sense that I would be nothing without you." Again, with the hurt, and he's pretty sure it's simply a learned reaction to the words 'don't need you' at this point. Because he'd like to think he gets it. "But I want you, and I want to choose you, if you'll still have me, because you are the best possible thing I could choose for myself." And there it is. The crucial words, the confirmation that Zach's advice had made him wait for, what he truly wanted to hear, because he has his fears, but when he looks past them, this is what he wants to know. That Kurt _wants_ to be with him, no conditions necessary.

Suddenly, there is no way he could last another second without kissing this beautiful man in front of him, standing so close and still holding his hand. So that's what he does, he brings his free hand on Kurt's cheek and leans toward him, slowly but insistently, and Kurt makes no move to stop him. Instead, he seems more than happy to reciprocate, and their lips move in what is less a kiss and more like a reunion, a connection being remade, tying them back together. It doesn't last long, just a second or two, but it's everything and more to Blaine. Kurt lets out a laugh, that is full of hope and promise at the same time, and it's more beautiful that Blaine could have ever imagined a mere small laugh could be.

"I love you," Blaine tells Kurt, because he hasn't yet said it, and he really needs to.

"I love you too, Blaine, you don't even know how much," Kurt says, eyes shining with happiness that's new and tentative, but getting stronger every passing second.

Then it's Blaine's turn to laugh, and Kurt looks at him in confusion.

"Oh, Kurt.. Do you realise how backwards this is?" He says, and let's out a chuckle that is dangerously close to a sob. "I was so afraid that you don't need me anymore, that you aren't dependent of me anymore.. and at the same time your biggest fear was that you _are_… And we were both so wrong, really. Because I shouldn't even want you to be there because you need me, and you.. well, it's so painfully clear to me, that your strength and determination and courage is all you, and I might have helped some, but really, you did it all by yourself. I couldn't have done anything to help you, if you didn't have it all inside you already. There was never any doubt of that." By the end of it, Kurt's eyes are swimming and his smile is wobbly but real.

"Do you.. do you really think of me like that?" Kurt asks, and it's his turn with the insecurities. Blaine thinks they really are just two big fools. And it's time to get over their heads and see, for both of them, what kind of people they really are. How strong, how beautiful, how worthy of loving and keeping. It's high time they both understand and believe that. He gives Kurt another short kiss and then pulls him towards the photo of Kurt fighting the practise dummy.

"Look at yourself here, really look. What do you see?"

"I.. I look fierce," Kurt admits, in a voice that's almost awed, like he's never seen it quite that way.

"Yes, you do. You were always that strong, from the very beginning. That's all you, right there, fighting the world. No one could do something like that for you. It's all you, Kurt. This wonderful, amazingly strong person is all you." Blaine explains, and squeezes Kurt's hand, trying to make him really believe it. And it looks like he's starting to.

"Yes.. It's me." It's a declaration, no matter how tentative.

"You," Blaine confirms with a smile. Then Kurt turns to him, ready for a lesson of his own.

"And it was also because of you, Blaine, because you are this wonderful, understanding, kind, patient man, and you stayed by my side through it all. And you really shouldn't think so low of yourself, that you would need to give and give to be wanted and accepted, because Blaine, even if you didn't do a single thing for me besides just loving me and being there with me to experience whatever life brings us, it would be enough. It would be all I want. Because I love you and it's enough to make me want to stay with you and never even dream of leaving. You don't need to do anything to be irreplaceable for me, you are that simply because I love you and you love me back."

Somehow they fall back to each other, first kissing and then just holding each other, feeling the moment surround them and wrap them in all the realisations, revelations and promises that have been said and thought, and they just stand there, holding each other and feeling the hope it brings them. The hope that things will be alright, more than alright, and that they will be good together.

A while later a library worker comes to tell them the place is closing for the night. They pull away slowly and they can see her eyes flashing in recognition as he takes in Kurt. A happy smiles comes to her lips, her eyes shining.

"Oh! It's you. The model. We've all been hoping and waiting for you to come." Kurt looks at Blaine, trying to figure out if Blaine has told them something, because why else would she say that?

"Don't worry, we don't know anything, me and the other girls just think Blaine here is so talented and obviously has strong feelings for you, a blind person could see it in these photos. But we never once saw you, and it seemed like something was wrong, so we were just hoping you would come and return Blaine's smile back to his eyes." She smiles kindly, and Blaine feels awed, that even these people, these strangers who knew nothing about them, had been rooting for their love and relationship. It feels reassuring, and warm, and he sees the same kind of feeling in Kurt's face. Blaine pulls Kurt to him and the middle-aged woman gives them another happy smile.

"Do you need a moment? We're closing, but I can come back later for you, if you want to stay for a while longer." They say their thanks and Blaine watches the woman leave. And then he feels Kurt's fingers pulling and fiddling with the cuff of his woollen sweater. When he looks, he sees Kurt frowning in concentration as he works with something Blaine doesn't quite see.

"What are you doing?" he chuckles at the sight. Kurt looks up.

"There were some loose ends peeking out of your cuff. I just tied them together, so your sleeve wouldn't start to unravel." He says this looking completely serious, but there's a slightly mischievous tint in his eyes, and Blaine suddenly gets the metaphor.

"Thanks, Night sky. Wouldn't do to leave the loose ends untied." Blaine says, and knows that there are still loose ends left for the two of them, a lot of loose ends to tie up and secure with knots. Nothing becomes perfect in one moment or one day or even ever. There is always something to work on, and they certainly still have a lot of work to do with their relationship. But it's fine. They feel fine, knit together and held together with a thousand interwoven strings. This moment feels a lot like hope.

"Come, you need to really see this exhibit at least once, before it's taken down." Blaine says, and brings Kurt to the first picture.

* * *

**072 - Little**

They walk around the room for one more time (for Blaine, the first time for Kurt) before they are going to be taken down and put to storage somewhere. Kurt doesn't actually know what will happen to these copies, because the library paid part of their printing in support of Blaine's art, but it's not really a problem. No matter where these copies go, the photos and all that happened during making them are still with them, safe in their hard drives and their memories. Kurt has learned a lesson of when to let go, and when to hold on to something.

About half an hour later the same librarian comes back, telling them that unfortunately they can't stay any longer. She wishes them luck as she closes the main doors behind them and Blaine and Kurt are left on the street just after sunset, unsure of what happens next, but holding hands like they're afraid to lose the other in the city lights if they let go for a second.

"What now?" Kurt voices the question he's sure Blaine is thinking too. Blaine looks at him for a second, a small smile on his lips, the one that just isn't going away. The smile that tells about relief and hope and new kind of understanding. Kurt's sure there's one of those smiles on his lips too.

"Well.. Zach asked me before to join him and Aino for a night in Callbacks, to celebrate the closing of the exhibit. But.. we don't have to go, if…" Blaine sounds unsure, and Kurt can understand why. He feels the same, because the most important thing has happened, they've apologised and made piece with a lot of stuff, but it's still so fragile and new, all that hurt and confusion still so near to them in time and place, that this peace feels both solid and utterly breakable at the same time, in the weirdest mix of feelings. It's hard to believe in something that happened so fast after so many bad feelings; there's so much unsurety, but it's also the most natural and right feeling he could imagine. And, he thinks, meeting their friends and having a simple, fun evening at a karaoke bar doesn't sound that bad at all. Their friends are a part of all this - rather beautiful - mess, after all.

"I would love to go," he smiles at Blaine. "I've missed Zach's grazy and Aino's sensibility combined." That brings in his mind another person, who's a part of this too and deserves to know that he's son is fine and grateful.

"But I want to call someone first, if you don't mind?" Kurt asks, moving to take out his phone, but not yet doing anything. This new start of them has brough out some renewed awkwardness, unsurety of what is ok and what's not. Blaine nods and huffs a jokingly exasperated "Of course." It makes Kurt feels a bit silly and relax. This is them, it's familiar. He finds the number and waits for the answer he knows will come fast.

"Hey, kiddo!" He hears from the other end, happy but full of caring. "How's everything?" For the first time this week, Kurt can let an honest smile echo in his voice as he answers.

"Hi, dad! I'm fine. Like, really, really fine." A pause. "I made up with Blaine," he breathes out and smiles at the boy in question, who squeezes his hand in response, content to listen Kurt speak.

"That's great! What happened?"

"Well, it's a long story, so I'll tell you later..But.. I finally realised what you meant when you said I need to figure out what is worth fighting for. I figured it out, I guess."

"Is he there right now?" Burt asks, with an obvious grin and so much happiness in his voice, all for Kurt, all because he loves and cares what happens to him.

"Yeah," he says, and can't help but to press the tiniest, fastest kiss on Blaine's cheek, just because he really is there.

"Can you give the phone to him, just for a sec?" Burt asks and for the life of him Kurt can't figure out the tone.

"Um.. sure?" He says, slightly confused, and offers the phone to Blaine, who looks equally confused and mildly scared. Blaine brings the phone to his ear and says a quiet but firm "Hello, Sir." Kurt presses his ear close and can just make out his father's side of the conversation.

"I'd say nice to meet you, Blaine, but I haven't met you yet." Burt chuckles at his own joke. "I just wanted to make sure, that you understand that if you ever hurt my son, I have a gun and I _will_ find you." Kurt sees Blaine gulp and shudder a little at the threatening voice, and he wants to be angry at his dad for scaring Blaine, but really, it's just too funny when you know the real Burt Hummel and just how un-scary he is.

"I understand, Sir, but I swear, I never would want to hurt Kurt. I love him way too much for that." Blaine answers, and Kurt has to be proud of how sure and calm he sounds, compared to how shaken he looks like. He hears his father fake grumble, and then change his tone completely.

"That's all I needed to hear. Welcome to the family, kiddo."

/

Two hours later they are in Callbacks, the small bar, with karaoke already in full swing. Zach and Aino are there, and they are waiting for Rachel, who Kurt knew would never forgive them, if she wasn't included in a night like this. For one, because it's Callbacks, her favourite bar, and for another, it's a party obviously turning into a celebration of a theatrically romantic reunion of two lovers, which is like crack to her dramatic soul. Besides, she belongs with them and they all want her there.

When she finally get there, she squeals and hugs both Kurt and Blaine, telling them how happy she is that they've found each other again, and then promptly goes to write her name on the list, apparently to sing a song dedicated to them and describing her feelings about their love. It's a little bit too much, but it's still perfect, because she's his best friend, both of their friend, and she so obviously cares.

When they are all sitting around the table, sporting their drinks, Zach clings his glass to get their collective attention.

"So, ladies and gentlemen. We're here to celebrate a few things," he starts with an overly formal voice," for one, Blainers here has just successfully finished his first exhibit, and has already gotten an offer for an internship at a local news paper for his skills." Kurt turns his head to Blaine, surprised, and Blaine shrugs as if to say that he just didn't get around to telling that yet. Kurt grins and presses his lips to his cheek in congratulations. Zach coughs with totally fake annoyance. "Ahem. We all already knew you two are too syrupy sweet for anyone's cup of tea, but let's continue. It's actually related. It seems we're also here to celebrate these two dummies finally figuring some stuff out," Zach says, and despite the words his smile is soft and honest. "You two really deserve all the happiness," he says, breaking the character for a second, before continuing.

"But there's also one more thing we should celebrate. As you may or may not know, I applied for an exchange program for a year in Finland, and I just found out I've been accepted." He says and looks at Aino expectantly. Her face tells that at least the acceptance part comes as a total surprise. For the first time Kurt has ever seen, Aino completely loses her cool and jumps to hug Zach as tight as she can, clinging to his neck.

"Oh my god, oh my GOD! I knew you were thinking about it, but oh G- You'll be in Finland, with me?!" She does a good job at flailing while still holding Zach's neck tightly.

"Yes, I'll be in Finland with you," Zach says, with the most loving tone Kurt can imagine coming from Zach's mouth. Aino settles a little bit, although still grinning widely.

"I'm going to Europe, bitches!" Zach suddenly cheers, before quieting and turning fake-sad. "Admittedly, to the coldest, darkest godforsaken corner of Europe, but-" He's stopped by Aino hitting his head.

"That's my home country you're bashing, idiot!" They all laugh at that, and Kurt just knows that if he and Blaine are going to work out, despite their problems, then Zach and Aino surely will too.

/

After a while, they're all dancing, while some stranger is singing YMCA in a way that is surprisingly only a little embarrassing. Kurt realises he's slightly drunk, not much, but there's a pleasant buzz that he's not at all used to, but feels like he could grow to like. It makes him feel relaxed and free, and like he can just feel and fully enjoy all the relief and happiness that this day had brought him. He feels a surge of some new kind of excitement and courage, and presses his lips to Blaine's, despite being in public.

"You should kiss my old self goodbye, Blaine, because I'm planning on getting rid of him, permanently." Kurt whisper-shouts in Blaine's ear, grinning, but still very sincere. Because that's exactly what he's going to do, starting today.

"Are you going to defy gravity?" Blaine catches on the reference, and it's so silly and so easy, and every comment in this silly banter is just making him more and more confident that Blaine was the best choise he could have made for himself. Finally - selfishly just like he should - he's making decisions for himself, based only on what he really wants.

"Yeah, and just so you know, you won't bring me down!" Kurt sing-songs and makes a small pirouette to underline his point, and possibly to channel his giddiness and relief of the day somewhere.

"Wasn't planning on it," Blaine says, and somehow his voice is back to amazingly tender, even as he laughs at Kurt's antics.

When it's Kurt's turn to sing, he goes and picks Defying Gravity and sings it with his whole heart, strangely not even nervous despite singing in front of strangers for the first time in probably ever. He's good, even by his own standards; the applauding people are smiling, and he feels like he really is flying and all those people are admiring his spread wings. He looks at Blaine and is slightly shocked by the pure awe he sees in his eyes and smile, as he opens his arms for Kurt to settle into them.

And Kurt knows this won't be the end of everything, not by a long shot. Nothing is truly resolved yet, and they have so much to talk about, so much to let out, so much air to clean between them. This is just the beginning of them being ok again. Kurt knows that there will be times, when he will still hold losing his Book of Dreams against Blaine, and Blaine will in turn resent him for blaming him. And then Kurt will feel guilty for the thinking like that and then _Blaine_ will feel guilty for being angry, and for dropping it in the first place. There will be times when Kurt will doubt himself again, and times when Blaine will doubt his own self worth, because that kind of things never truly go away, and the best you can do is to learn to hold them at bay and deal with them when they won't stay there. And there will be fights, there will be misunderstandings, and they will both eventually mess up something or other again. Because that's how they are, that's how people are in general. But there will also be apologies, offered and accepted, there will be comforting words and touches and there will be forgiveness and acceptance and support.

He knows that they are going to be fine. They are going to be good. And he knows that it's going to be totally worth all of that, and so much more.

/

"My little Night sky," Blaine whispers tenderly, pushing some hairs out of Kurt's sweaty face. It's almost achingly sweet, but the notion still makes Kurt laugh, because they just had sex, and Blaine had been screaming and moaning some much less tender kind of words mere minutes ago. And the nickname really is just that ridiculous, especially when combined with that particular adjective.

"Skies are by definition pretty big, though," Kurt giggles.

"Shush, you're just special. My little Night sky," Blaine repeats, nodding and looking completely happy with himself.

"And you're my little…" Kurt comes up plank. No good ideas for a retort.

"Little what?" Blaine prompts, sounding smug.

"Just.. little," he huffs. And_ oh, that actually works._ "You're my Little. It's pretty accurate, you're so tiny," Kurt laughs as Blaine tries and fails to look offended. And then Kurt's silly post-sex mind is going to places and his mouth has somehow lost all the filters. "You could be Stuart Little!" he snorts, not so attractively.

"Why not Chicken Little?" Blaine deadpans.

"Or.. or Eliza Doolittle!"

"Little John?"

"You can't be Little John, he's actually big!"

"So I can be a mouse or a poorly educated woman, but an actual man is too far-fetched?" Blaine's tries to sound incredulous, but really just sounds amused.

"Well, of course. Also, Little John is in the wrong format!" Kurt exclaims triumphantly. Blaine scrunches his nose, before he gets an idea.

"Zeddie Little! I could be the ridiculously photogenic guy!"

Kurt considers Blaine's face mock-seriously for a second, tilting his head as if contemplating the idea, before declaring "No. Stuart it is." A laugh ruins Blaine's otherwise fairly impressive offended pout. It makes him give up, instead turning to pick his phone from the bedside table.

"Come on Kurt, pose with me," He says, while he points the phone at them and snaps a photo of them half-laying on the bed side by side, sporting ridiculous bed-heads, looking exactly like they've just had sex, and grinning widely.

"I look horrible, why'd you do that?" Kurt whines, trying to take the phone from Blaine so he could delete it.

"I recall you dreaming about finally figuring out a ridiculous nickname for me too. I just wanted to capture the moment!" Blaine grins, as he fights to keep the phone out of Kurt's reach.

* * *

**A/N:** Aaaaand they lived ever after. Probably not always happy, but at least really living. Or something moral and philosophical like that. I hope you had as good time reading my story as I had writing it! :)


	25. Epilogue

**Author's note:** OH. GOD. It's finally, officially over. The end of the end. I hope you'll enjoy this epilogue, that got much much longer than I planned it to be. Thank you for all you amazing people for reading, reviewing and whatever else you might have done for me! It's been wonderful.. tough too, sometimes, but still wonderful, and now it's over and I'm sure I'm going to be sad once it really hits me.

There have been so many wonderful readers, who have left me reviews and pm's and/or otherwise joined me on this journey, and I'm pretty sure if you feel like you're one of them, then you're on of them. I love you and I hope I won't lose touch with you after this is over, but if I do, just know I'm so grateful! I don't know what I will write next, or when I will start, but I'm pretty sure there's going to be something, and soon, because I don't want to give up writing! So if you are interested in what I might come up with next, you can come and check later! :) And in any case I'm going to write the one-shots I've promised, either added as extra chapters to this or then as a separate story to my account.

Goodbye, dear readers, and thank you so much for reading! Have fun in the world of Klaine and glee and fanfiction! (And in your real lives too, I guess. :P)

**THE REALLY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: **The last part of this epilogue features a song, written and composed by me, specifically for the purposes of this fic. As you might or might not know, song writing is not actually the thing I'm most skilled at, so this was more just a fun thing to do than an actual good song. ;)

There is a recording of me singing the song, posted in my tumblr (rakasklaine), and you can find the link to it in my profile (as ff doesn't allow links in the chapters). This recording is meant to be just a demonstration of how the song might sound like, so it doesn't actually sound that great. It's just me singing, with no instruments or other back up, and I didn't spend ages to perfect it, so.. Instead of criticizing the quality, just imagine how it would be sung in the story, by the person who sings it. :)

**Disclaimer:** All quiet on the western front. I still don't own anything.

* * *

**The trauma surgeon**

It's a little after four pm as Anita Anderson sits in her lounge chair, basking in the rays of the late afternoon sun. It's a beautiful Saturday, in the beginning of June. She's thinking about the phone call she got that morning, from her son's boyfriend. He had asked her if she and Henry would be at home in the evening, and when she'd answered yes, he had only told her to be ready for a call, in case Blaine happens to need them for some reason. It had been weird, at first, but then she had got a very strong suspicion of what is going on. She's not sure, not yet, as she couldn't get anything further out of the young man, but he had sounded excited and slightly nervous, and she very much hopes her suspicion is right. She thinks how much life has changed, that this is what she wants now for her son, more than anything else.

As she feels the shadow of the single tree on their yard slowly creep on her, she feels it like the past taking over. She thinks about her job as a trauma surgeon, and how far she's gotten. She's good at her job and she's widely respected in the field as a skilled and caring doctor. In her life she's put a lot of effort to her profession, first to her studies and later to always doing her best and always aiming for better. It's how her mother taught her to be, she taught her that it's her duty, as a woman and as a member of an ethnic minority, to show the world that she can be as good as, if not better than anyone else. She'd made her mother proud. She had got at the top of her profession and then married an equally successful businessman and had two beautiful, skilled children.

Her father, too, had taught her to never give less than her all. He had been there to cheer her on, always telling her she could be better, could _do_ better, because she's his and her mother's son and she's capable of anything. And as she was always a driven, ambitious girl, it had felt good and right. She had the best parents, who had done so much for her. Her life had turn out so good thanks to their support, and that's what she had always wanted to offer her sons, too.

Her oldest son, Cooper, had been stubborn, and she and her husband hadn't always understood his passion for acting and his flair for drama, but he always had his parents drive for making it big. It had taken them some time, but they had figured it out eventually, and accepted his career of choice, supporting him the best they could. They are proud of their son and his determination, and she feels they have done well with him. The problem is, that her second son is and never was like them, like her, and she knows that they failed with him.

Blaine was a shy and considerate child, always helping around and seldom fought or had tantrums. He had always been interested in arts, and music, and despite being good at school, he wasn't passionate about it the same way as she had always been. When Blaine was small, she had given him space, but eventually she lost common ground with her growing boy. Of course she loved him and wanted the best for him, but she didn't understand him or what he needed. She tried to use her parents methods on him, trying to get him to do his best in everything, because that's what she knew about raising kids.

And outwardly it had worked: Blaine always did his best, in school and with everything else too. But something had been awkward, distant, like there was a wall between Blaine and the others in the family, like none of them could be truly at ease with each other. She hadn't known why, she had just continued with the way she knew, as she didn't know what else to do or what to change. And she knew her husband was the same, they were both too busy to fully concentrate on if Blaine was truly happy, and as he was always outwardly the perfect son, with perfect grades and always attentive and kind, always smiling and saying he was happy, they hadn't done anything. It's one of her biggest regrets, one that she will always try to make right now.

Three years ago at Christmas she had heard her son speak against them for the first time in years. And she had been truly shocked to hear that the support and push they had tried to give him had been the thing that kept their son on edge and feeling unsure and unloved in his own home. It had shocked her to the core, and made her revalue and rethink so many things in her life and how things had been with Blaine. It was painful for her, as a mother, to realise how much she had unknowingly hurt him. And she knew her husband was feeling it too. They have done their best to change since, but it wasn't easy, because tearing down walls of mistrust, misunderstanding, pretending and hurt feelings is not an easy task.

But now, she'd like to think that they had gotten better. She still doesn't fully understand the way her son doesn't desire to be the most successful he can be and aim for the top. But she knows now, that it's not the way to live for him and it wouldn't make him happy. She knows that he does photography because he truly enjoys the art and the joy of his profession, that he doesn't care for money or being looked up to. She has seen how excited Blaine is to have gotten the job at a smallish news paper, loving it because he has freedom there to use his artistic vision, ans she knows he's happy. And she's learned to accept that, and respect it, and now she knows him enough, that her biggest wish for him is to be happy in the way she knows he wants to, not the way she herself is.

So, today she got a phone call from Kurt, the boy she has learned to care for, because she knows he makes Blaine happy, the boy who always understands and supports him, the way that she wasn't able to for so long. As she lies in the sun, waiting for Henry to return so she can tell him about what she thinks they will hear that evening, when the boys call, the only thing she feels is happiness settling in deep.

* * *

**The nurse**

Carole Hummel is sitting on the sofa, leaning on the shoulder of her freshly showered husband, after his return from a half day working in the auto shop. He has been reducing his working hours, mostly because of his doctor's orders, as he hasn't been as strong as he once was, after his heart attack a few years ago. He's healthy and has no big problems with his heart, but it's always a risk, and as there's no shortage of money, there's no harm in taking it a little easier. Carole is happy that Burt had agreed, as she plans to keep him around for much longer. The memory of that heart attack is always there, and the fright it gave their family stays in their minds, but it's pushed back and contained, because there is no use worrying, just doing their best to make sure there's no reason to worry.

She's so happy that she found him, because her life has become so much fuller since. After her late husband died, she had been alone with her little son, struggling with a nurse's salary, but she had done well enough, she thinks. But then her son had grown up and started becoming less dependent on her, and she had felt the nearing loneliness, when he would eventually leave her to pursue his own life. But with Burt, she had gained a husband, a lover and a best friend, as well as another son for her to love and care for. Because even though they got married quite late, Kurt has become her son in every relevant meaning of the word.

She had seen her first as the shy, insecure boy he was then, but it had been amazing to see him slowly but surely come out of his shell after he moved to New York. Of course he's still the same boy, obsessed with books and slightly shy, but now he smiles in a way that tells about contentment and some sort of quiet confidence, and now he's going for what he really wants in life, with all his determination. He had changed his major into creative writing during his second year, although he still studied literature as well, and he is going to graduate this summer. She also knows he's currently finishing up his first poetry book and is planning to send it to various publishing houses. She's so proud of him. And she knows that so much of that happiness is because of one certain young man, the boyfriend that she had worried about at first but who had then turned out to be exactly perfect for Kurt. The boyfriend who would hopefully become much more than that, eventually.

So now she and Burt are watching tv, lazying around and trying to be as if nothing is going on, even though they both know exactly what is going to happen tonight, and she knows both of them are boiling inside with nerves and excitement and hope. They had heard all about Kurt's plans for today, and she couldn't be happier for him. She just hopes everything will go like they all want it to, and she's pretty sure it will, because honestly, there's really not much doubt here.

* * *

**The broadway-star-to-be**

Rachel Berry is a refined girl who does not snore, and even more certainly does not drool, and she resents her boyfriend for telling her otherwise. She _may_ have fallen asleep for a while on the sofa, slumbering on him, but that doesn't give him any right to lay false accusations. Even if he says it's cute, it doesn't make it any less horrifying. She thinks that three years ago, she would have jumped up and had a diva fit, but the truth is that she's matured enough to not react quite as strongly to everything as she used to. It doesn't make her any less opinionated or curious or prone to acting without thinking of the consequences, but she does know, nowadays, when overreacting is actually useful and when it's just too much over nothing. So she glares at the guy and then turns away so he can't see her smug smile at his slightly intimidated face. She can't help the giggle, though, and just like that, she's busted.

She's feeling just a little overactive with nerves, despite having just woken up, because today is a Very Special Saturday. It's special for several reasons. The first is that she has finally graduated from NYADA and she had been at her first audition as a NYADA graduate yesterday, and it's still manifesting today as some sort of post-audition nerves. It's a big part, and there's a hope that she might actually have a chance to get it. The second big thing is that her best friend,her boyfriend's brother, has some very special plans, that she had been helping him with, mostly on her own insistence. It's all happening that night, finally, and she can't wait to be informed of the results of said plans. Saying she's impatient might be a slight understatement.

Yeah, so, she's dating her best friend's brother, which might be a little strange, except that it really isn't. If anything, it's bringing them all closer together, her, Kurt, Blaine and Finn. She had known Finn during the High School years, of course, because who in McKinley didn't? He was the quarter back after all. But besides their brief stint in Glee club, they hadn't had anything in common, and they were most certainly not friends. Kurt hadn't had the best relationship with Finn then, so even if Rachel was one of those girls who secretly - or not so secretly - had a crush on the popular boy, she wouldn't have wanted to betray Kurt by pursuing something with his problematic step-brother. But then, after they'd all left for college, Kurt and Finn had connected in a new way, and when Finn moved to New York a year later to get his teacher's permit, she had met him again. And now that there were no issues of solidarity or school hierarchy, her crush had returned ten-fold.

Finn had fallen for her too, and some night a few weeks after they'd started dating he had admitted to having had his own little crush on her in high school, even if she had been one of the social outcasts. He had apologised to her for following the high school rules and not helping her or Kurt with the bullying. He also said he was sorry for not pursuing anything with Rachel back then, but even Rachel could admit now that she was a bit much at that age (she had worn knitted shirts with kittens and giant strawberries, for god's sake! - although the kitten ones still have a soft spot in her heart), and that maybe it's better that they only found each other now. It's okay, because they're together now, and that is what matters the most. They're happy, getting on with their lives, following their dreams, and today they would hopefully witness another big dream being realised by their best friends slash brothers.

So now, as she tries to get rid of the last remains of sleep in her brain, eighty percent of which is already on overdrive, she furtively wipes her slightly wet cheek (which is NOT wet with drool, thank you very much) and turns around to look her ridiculously tall boyfriend deep in the eyes. Finn smiles and wipes a tiny bit of drool that is still left from the corner of her mouth, and then asks, carefully.

"Why do you think Kurt decided to do this first? I mean.. he's kind of a shy dude, still. Do you think he's going to dare to go through with it?" Finn sounds unsure, but she doesn't depict any negative thoughts about her best friend in his tone, despite the words. It really sounds just like what she knows he meant - like a brother who wants everything good for their brother and is worried for their sake.

"Oh please!" Rachel rolls her eyes, before smiling fondly, partly to Finn and his caring and partly to the bravery of her best friend. "Kurt is the ballsiest guy you know. You've told me that before. He's gonna do it and he's going to be fabulous!"

* * *

**The teacher hopeful**

Aino Pohjola is a calm, collected and confident girl, who definitely does _not_ get nervous about things that she knows she can handle. Like moving back to a foreign country that is not so foreign anymore, with her boyfriend for over three years, for the purpose of finding a job and settling down in the Big Apple. She had already moved there once before, and she was alone then, even, so it's not like it's something completely new. But the thing is, she still is very much nervous. It's one thing to move to a country for a year, knowing that you'll just be a guest, that you'll spend your time finding new friends and studying, knowing that soon you will return back to the familiar. And it's completely another thing to move to a foreign country with the knowledge that you will stay, maybe not for forever but at least for an unknown length of time, knowing that you will have to find your place in there, make a home and belong.

The last four years have been eventful. First she had been in this same city as an exchange student, and met some of the people she nowadays considers her best friends. She had also met the interesting and yet hard to read boy, who later had become the first and only long-term boyfriend she's had. Their relationship is unique, and came with a lot of troubles, because of their sexual orientations as well as their cultural differences and the distance between the places they called 'home'. But they are good for each other, as perfect as two people can be, total opposites at some things and yet so similar in the points that really mattered, like values and morals and views of a fulfilling relationship. And that is what she believes has kept them together this long, despite everything that has been against them.

Zach had moved with her to Finland for a year, studying journalism, and Finnish language just for the heck of it. He had returned back to New York for a year to finish his degree, and that year apart had been hard for them, but they had made it. Maybe it helped that their relationship wasn't so heavily based on the physical than most relationships are, and maybe it was also because they were both so busy, Zach studying more than normal to finish earlier and Aino starting her master's thesis and doing the teacher practise at the same time. In any case, they made it mostly unharmed and then Zach spent her last year of uni in Finland, as he'd managed to find a great job for an English language newspaper in Finland, that took him in as an American voice of sorts.

But now, Aino had her masters and they had both decided to go back to New York, because it was only logical after all, to try life in their other home as well. Zach had lived in Finland with her, learning the language and the culture and, if he was telling the truth, honestly learning to think of the place as his own. Now it's Aino's turn to do the same with him in USA, making New York her home. She has a minor in education from the country that is widely known for having the best educational system in the world, so she had already gotten a possible job offer at a private school as a European history and literature teacher.

So now she's sitting on a hotel bed, tired after a long flight and waiting for her boyfriend to finish his shower so they can take a nap together, before they go surprise their friends at a party that will hopefully happen that evening. All their friends know they were coming, but they are expecting them a week from now, as was originally planned. But there had been nothing really preventing them from leaving earlier, and as they had heard about the plans of their friend, they had decided to come sooner to be a part of those plans.

Although, after the long flight Aino is doubting how long she will be able to stay in any kind of party, as her eyes are drooping shut against her will right now. Eventually Zach returns, still towelling his wet hair, and lies beside her, pulling her in his arms.

"Hey, rakas." he murmurs into her hair and yawns. "I think I'm going to crash any second now. I need every second of rest if I'm going to actually be in some party drinking and celebrating and being subjected to all the welcome hugs and congratulation hugs and what ever else hugs there's gonna be." She smiles at his voice, which is dead tired but still so happy, even if he tries to go for sarcastic.

"Then sleep. Believe me, I'm not any better." She yawns ridiculously big, as a perfect demonstration of her words. Zach chuckles and kisses her nose.

"Sleep well. Kauniita unia."

"You too," she mutters and can feel Zach falling into sleep before she even gets the words out properly. She thinks of the way those words come out of Zach's mouth so naturally now, and yet they sound so distinctive, clearly different from the way her own people would say it. It only makes it better, something of their own. It's pretty in it's imperfectness.

She thinks about the man behind him, and how she's never once had sex with him, and only occasionally sees him naked. She thinks about how they kiss so often, and always filled with deep emotions, but it's never those kind of passionate, deep french kisses that she's seen in the movies. She thinks about this man, who loves her deeply, but does not want her sexually. She thinks of how he can admire the beauty or her body, without lusting it, instead admiring it only as the physical appearance of the girl he loves. She thinks of how she sometimes uses the images of Zach as a material of her own fantasies as she masturbates, but there's no resentment in there, no secrets or hidden feelings. Zach knows it and accepts it, is even glad that he is interesting to her in that way, even if he can't reciprocate the feeling of sexual need. And she understands Zach enough to not resent him for not wanting her that way - it's just nature after all. It's how he is, how the two of them are.

She's satisfied. She's happy. Because she has a guy who is wonderful company, funny and bright, supportive, always there for her and who loves her more deeply than she can sometimes comprehend. And it's not like every couple on this planet, it's different and hard for others to get, but she's content, because love is the most important thing. To her, sex is simply not that important, and she's happy enough on her own on that front, and she would never give up such a great person for something so inconsequential as sex. And she knows it wouldn't be like that for most people, knows that most people would never be truly happy in a relationship like theirs.. But she's just glad that it works for them.

As she slowly drifts to sleep, she thinks of their two best friends, and how much this day will mean to them, and she hopes - no, she knows - that they are and will continue to be just as happy.

* * *

**The poet**

Kurt knows very well that this is the day to not be late. Which is why his frustration grows exponentially at every obstacle he meets that day, and as the time just flies by way too fast. He's asked Blaine to be free that evening for a casual date, failing to mention that he's got a smallish surprise for Blaine at one point. The day needs to be perfect, and at least the weather is on his side, even if nothing else is. The sun is shining and it's warm and nice, a perfect day to have a picnic in the Central Park.. if they ever get there, that is. Which doesn't look so good, at the moment.

He's currently searching for jobs and it's kind of important, so when he was asked to an interview for a temporary position as a columnist/blogger in a smallish fashion magazine, and told that it would have to be that morning, he just couldn't turn it down, no matter how important the day is. So he had been there, and as he was so full of nerves about the rest of the day, he had kind of forgotten to be nervous about the interview, so it had gone pretty well in the end. But now it means that he's barely got time to do everything he needs _and_ be in time to meet Blaine by the time he gets off work.

First, the girl he needed to meet, to discuss some stuff and make sure they got the time and place absolutely right, had been late. Then, when he got that settled, the grocery store had been totally full as he searched for all the things he needed for a light picnic, and he had to stand in the line for half an eternity. Then, when he got to the florist, there had been an old lady in the line before him, who didn't know what she wanted and wasn't satisfied with any suggestions given to her. Luckily Kurt at least had a clear idea of what kind of flowers he wanted, so it was easily done once his turn finally came.

And then he took a taxi to Blaine's work place, convinced that the metro was going to be late for sure, only to find himself stuck in traffic. Which he clearly knows is much more likely than the metro being late, and would have realised if he'd stopped and thought about it for more than one second. He's too nervous to even glance at the time once, so he's reasonably surprised when he finally gets to the destination and realises he's half an hour early and has nothing to do but wait for Blaine and try to not spontaneously combust.

As he waits, the significance of the day really hits him, although it really shouldn't be such a surprise, after spending so much time contemplating and planning this, and then deciding it's finally time to do it. A lot has changed in their lives recently. Being together as students had been nice and stable. Eventually, after two years of dating and Blaine finally getting his degree, they had found an apartment together. It had been a big change, and they'd had to make some adjustments and compromises in their life, but falling asleep every night listening to Blaine's breathing and waking up to his light snores every morning was definitely worth it. And now, Kurt had graduated, and it was pretty scary thing, leaving the student world behind and venturing to the unknown world of jobs and full-day jobs. Also, if everything went well, he would soon be a published poet, and wasn't that a scary and wonderful thought. So, a lot had changed.

But now, today, there's going to be one more step in growing up and creating the life he wants - they want, hopefully. He's going to realise one of the biggest dreams in the Book of Dreams he once had. And he knows this because, as his dad had said years ago, the physical book might be gone but he really does remember the dreams that truly matter. Like this particular one. He thinks about his mother, and hopes she would be proud of him today. Happy for him. And he's pretty sure she is.

By the time Blaine gets out of the building, nearly ten minutes late, Kurt is so lost in thought that he jumps when Blaine comes and puts his arms around him from behind. He settles in their familiarity soon, though.

"Hmm, hello, Night sky." Blaine says into his neck and then Kurt turns around, facing him, smiling wide.

"Hey, Little!" He tries to act casual, but he's pretty sure the jittery nerves are showing haven't actually used those nicknames that often these days, but they do sometimes come out, in special moments - like just now - and he wonders if Blaine has caught up to the importance of the day, as he started it. Blaine doesn't comment on it, though, at least not yet, which Kurt is thankful for.

"What's the occasion?" Blaine asks, pointing at the flowers Kurt had temporarily forgotten.

"Oh." _Right. Flowers. _Kurt offers them to Blaine, who takes the small bouquet of yellow and red roses with a happy smile and presses his nose in them appreciatively.

"No occasion," Kurt shrugs, trying for nonchalant but trying a bit too hard to really succeed. Blaine quirks his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything more. Kurt thinks about the picnic and the party that will hopefully happen afterwards (and thank God Rachel had promised to take care of that!) and then realises the flowers might be a bit of a nuisance to carry around all day. He really wants them to last, so he suggests Blaine to bring them upstairs to his workplace for safekeeping. Blaine considers the picnic basket in Kurt's hands, and probably realises what they are going to do as he agrees to get the flowers into water upstairs. As he makes a quick trip back to the office, Kurt prays for something, anything, to keep him from blurting out everything ahead of time and ruining the whole plan. It's not even a complicated plan, so it's not unreasonable to actually stay in it. He's just afraid he's going to burst, that's all.

* * *

**The photographer**

When Blaine gets back without the flowers, Kurt leads them both to the metro. When they get out near the Central Park, he connects the location with the picnic basket, and figures that's where they are heading. Blaine has no problem with it. A beautiful Saturday afternoon picnic in the Central Park might be the biggest cliché on earth, but it's also a cliché for a reason. Because it's really a pretty nice way to spend a day with your boyfriend. The park is predictably pretty packed, but Kurt seems to know where they are going, so Blaine just follows.

They chatter as they walk, and ever since they met in front of his building (and frankly, for the last week or two as well) Blaine can't help but notice how nervous Kurt is. Not the bad kind of nervous though, so he's not worried. It's just that he knows Kurt well enough to know when there's something going on, and if he's not completely mistaken, something big is going on today. But he also sees that Kurt is trying his best to keep it a secret, so Blaine doesn't want to ruin anything by asking. He's quite sure he's going to find out soon, anyway.

After a few minutes of walking, he notices one of his favourite street artists, a youngish girl who plays her own interpretations of old and new popular songs with her acoustic guitar and sings them with a voice that is both pretty and unique. Blaine has seen her around often enough to know that she's pretty much doing this for a living. Somehow there's some free space on the grass near to where she's sitting on a bench and playing, even though there's a small crowd around her, listening. He turns to ask Kurt if they can stop to listen, as well, but Kurt is pulling him to the empty spot before he even gets to saying it. It makes Blaine pretty think that this is somehow planned, although he can't yet sum everything up, because why would the girl save them a place, like it almost seems she has, and why would she even know them?

Kurt puts the small light blanket on the grass and they sit down and eat for a while, although it seems that Kurt is too jittery to actually get food down his throat. After a while, Blaine has finally had enough of that.

"Kurt?" Kurt looks up at him, questioning. "What's really going on here?" he asks, and watches Kurt turn pink. He almost wants to laugh at the adorableness of it, but doesn't, because obviously this is something important. There's a little nagging suspicion in the back of his head, that has been there since yesterday, when Kurt asked him for a surprise date, sounding so uncharacteristically nervous. But he doesn't really dare to hope that, yet.. Even though, it would make a lot of things make sense… Kurt seems to tense for a second, and then he finally relaxes, the way he always does when he gets to the point when he absolutely has to step up and win whatever insecurities have come up. Blaine watches Kurt brace himself, feeling so much in love with his wonderful boyfriend.

"Ok.. ok, let's do this," Kurt mutters, obviously to himself. Then he looks up and takes Blaine's hands, and somehow, even though Kurt hasn't even said anything yet, his expression alone makes Blaine's suspicion much much stronger. _Oh, God. He really wishes it would be that._

"Blaine.. You know I've been learning to write songs, just, you know, learning.. And I'm not that good, so I haven't let you hear them, as you also know. There's actually another reason for that, too. Anyway. I want to sing you one now.. I wrote it for you. And I hope you'll get the gist of it, so that I don't have to explain it." Kurt chuckles and looks flustered, but excited too, and very determined. And Blaine, well, Blaine just enjoys. Even if it's not what he earlier thought it might be, it's big, because Kurt is going to show him one more vulnerable part of himself, and it's such a perfect day, a perfect moment in every way. "It's called 'Thousand times yes' - which I hope you'll say to me later - but first.. I'll just get to it."

Then, as if ordered, (and it seems like she's watching them, so maybe it's not a coincidence at all?) the girl with the guitar ends her song and doesn't immediately start a new one. She turns to them instead, and looks at Kurt with questioning eyebrows, way too familiarly for them to be total strangers, and something just doesn't add up. Then she starts to thrum her guitar, just a simple back up chords, and it's not something she usually plays, as far as Blaine can recognise. After a short intro, Kurt starts to sing, eyes boring into Blaine's, and it takes Blaine at least two seconds more to realise that she's playing Kurt's song. That her playing and Kurt's singing is connected.. And then he gets lost in the melody and the lyrics.

_You opened my eyes, took me for a ride  
in the wide world around us, where I couldn't hide  
I might've been scared but you made sure I smiled  
you got my heart bared and it was beating like wild_

Could this really be…?

_and I felt doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away by a flood of_

_You and your smile  
you took a photo and showed me my face, so nowadays  
Me and my smile  
are all for you and these beautiful days, so would you  
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?_

Are you asking me what I think you are?

_The first time we kissed I panicked and ran  
The second was angry, but by third I was a fan  
and somewhere along I kinda lost count  
But, anyway, when ever you're there_

I still feel doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away every time I see

You and your smile  
you stole my heart and removed my mask, so these days  
Me and my smile  
are all for you. And one day I'll ask, so would you  
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?

It has to be…

_I could ask you a million things  
why did you choose me  
how does the sun light your hair just so  
but you know which question I mean, so here goes…_

Kurt takes a deep breath, and Blaine is pretty sure he knows exactly what question Kurt means.

_You and your smile  
mean love and safety and courage to me, and giving you  
me and my smile  
I wonder what am I waiting for? So will you  
say "yes, a thousand times yes"… as I ask you now._

When the song slows down, and Kurt looks at him in the way that says 'I love you' and 'please say what I want you to say' and 'please say it now', and somewhere in the back of his mind Blaine realises that the girl has stopped playing and is looking at them expectantly, but the only thing he really can think of is how much he really loves this man and that it's pretty hard to breathe all of a sudden and the question. The question that just then, finally, comes out of Kurt's mouth.

* * *

**A/N:** And that is it, peeps! :) Be good and have fun! And leave me a review, if you feel like it! :)


	26. Extra one-shot

**Author's note:** Oh, God.. I don't know if anyone is even remembering this story anymore, let alone that I promised an extra one-shot with Blaine meeting Burt, but.. I finally got out of the post-fic writing exhaustion, and wrote this little piece. I don't know if it's that good, but it'll just have to do. :) So, if you happen to find this, enjoy some extra Kiss me goodbye!

(I don't know when I will be posting anything else, but I've written a longer one-shot (10 - 15000 words) about half-way, so if you're interested in an angsty but yet very romantic Klaine story that's 70 % prose and 30% poetry, then you could check my profile sometime later for it. :))

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, at all.

* * *

"I don't want a party, Blaine." Kurt's voice is almost uncharacteristically adamant.

"Oh, but, Night sky… You've been to parties before, right? You've _had fun_ in parties." Blaine whines, using his best puppy eyes, all round and wet and pathetic. Kurt sighs, just a little desperate, because he doesn't want to make Blaine feel bad but he also really does not want a party.

"Yes.. I've had fun, in _other people's_ parties. And even that is pretty exclusive to parties of our closest friends."

"Have you ever had a proper party before?" Blaine asks, not giving up.

"No."

"So how can you know you wouldn't like it?" Kurt huffs, because really, Blaine is just being difficult on purpose.

"How do you know you're gay, Blaine, if you've never been with a girl?" Kurt deadpans. "I'm pretty sure I don't have to have a birthday party to know I don't like being the center of attention and people demanding speeches and asking me to make wishes and blow the candles and making me open all kinds of embarrassing joke gifts in front of everyone. It's scary."

"You know there is no actual rule that you have to do any of that stuff, though, right?" Blaine's voice is persuading, but underneath is the kind of softness that let's Kurt know Blaine is really doing this only because he wants Kurt to have everything in the world, even when Kurt sometimes doesn't want it for himself. But Kurt still very much doesn't want the party.

"Not. The point. Have you met our friends? My friends? Do you honestly think they wouldn't make a big deal about every single one of those things, with or without my consent?" Blaine pouts but doesn't deny Kurt's point. Kurt supposes it's because he really can't.

"Exactly. So no parties for me." Blaine deepens his pout and Kurt can almost see the drooping dog ears on his head.

"Stop that!" Kurt groans, exasperated, but can't help the smile that tugs his lips, simply because his boyfriend is loveable and cute and pretty. Blaine laughs and gives him a playful hug.

"No parties for you, then," Blaine caves. Kurt sees a subtle mischievous flash in Blaine's eyes that Kurt doesn't particularly like, because Blaine is obviously planning something that Kurt might not allow if he knew about it. He doesn't ask about it, though, because he knows without a doubt that Blaine would not break his promises and isn't going to do anything that would make Kurt feel bad or uncomfortable. It's almost scary to trust someone this much. New and scary - and wonderful.

/

On the morning of 25th of May, Blaine wakes up to his phone buzzing. He slips out of the bed to take the call in the hallway so as not to wake Zach, although waking up Zach without meaning to is kind of a tall order.

"Hello," he answers the phone, suppressing a yawn.

"Morning, Blaine," the gruff voice answers him back. "Just called to let you know I'm boarding soon, so you should be at the airport to get me around half past ten. Be sure to be there on time, New York might be great for you kids, but I'm too old to handle the crazy alone."

"Yes, Sir, I'll be there on time for sure," Blaine answers as politely as he can, although he has already learned to expect the slightly annoyed huff that follows.

"How many times have I said to drop that Sir stuff and call me Burt?"

/

At ten fifteen, Blaine stands in the line, waiting for Burt to come out of the gates. He's holding a sign in his hand that says "Burt Hummel", because even though he's seen a few pictures and Burt says he's seen way too many pictures as well (because Kurt can be enthusiastic), he's still never met the man in real life. Which explains the way Blaine is sweating and feeling extremely nervous and uncomfortable. It finally hits him that he's going to me the father of his boyfriend for the first time in just fifteen - no, ten minutes, and he doesn't even have said boyfriend with him to give him advice, make introductions and protect him, if necessary. No, he's going to meet the parent all alone, in an airport where nobody knows him and there are so many dark corners and unknown doors his dead body could be hidden behind, and… _Oh God, why did I ever think this was a good idea!?_ He feels the panic coming, but there's no way to cancel now, when the plane's already landed, and.. the plane's already landed! Kurt's father is in this same building, and he knows for a fact that he owns a gun. Although, now that he thinks of it, if Burt was carrying a gun, the airport officials would have probably confiscated it already, which is a small relief.. _And what is he even thinking? It's his boyfriends father, not a murderer, for God's -_

"Aah!" he shouts, as someone slaps their hand on his shoulder none too gently and he's still half caught in the scenarios, where he's going to die in the next few minutes. He turns his head and takes in the big, burly man with a flannel shirt and a baseball cap and a eyes that are scrutinising him way too intensely.

"So you're Blaine, huh?"

"Y-yeah. I am. Uh." Blaine shakes his head to clear it, and tries to tell himself to relax and that he's not really going to die even if this goes badly. He pulls out his friendly, parent-charming smile, that is only slightly off-balance, and offers his hand. "Nice to meet you, Sir."

"Burt."

"-Yeah, sorry, Burt." Blaine offers with a self-deprecating smile, rubbing his neck. Inside his head he is cursing himself for acting so silly and stupid and weird, when it would be so important to give this man a good first impression. This is the man who Kurt says is the most important person in his life - besides Blaine, as he always adds - and Blaine needs the approval for this to work. The man is still looking him over as they walk away from the line, and it's starting to feel really uncomfortable.

"Huh.." the man says, almost wonderingly, after a long silence, and they stop near the doors. "Kurt told me you were short, but I just didn't realise he meant this tiny." Blaine blushes and feels completely out of his depth. He shrugs and his shoulders slump and he probably looks defeated, but that's how he feels, so he guesses it's accurate. And that's the moment the man finally smiles, a real, friendly smile, and claps Blaine's shoulder in a fatherly way.

"You're compact, that's good." And the words might be slightly teasing but all Blaine really feels is acceptance.

/

"So, how's this gonna work?" Burt asks, once they've gotten in a cab and are headed towards the city.

"Well, I asked Kurt to join me for a lunch in a restaurant near campus, it's a place we often go, so he shouldn't be suspecting anything. We can just get there a little earlier, and you can sit in a table out of sight while I wait in the front, so that I can meet him, and tell him I have a surprise for him, and walk to the table you're at… yeah. Something like that." Blaine explains, still feeling a little flustered, because he's sitting in a car with this practical stranger, who is so very crucial to his future life, and the car feels more than a little claustrophobic. But he's also starting to feel more and more excited, in a very good way, because he knows how much Kurt loves and misses his father, and if Blaine wasn't allowed to arrange a party for Kurt, then he will at least bring as much love and caring and attention to Kurt as he can without breaking any promises. He's seen Kurt's face during phone call conversations with his father, and if a phone call makes his face shine with so much happiness, he can't wait to see Kurt when he sees his dad _there_, real and solid.

"Sounds good," Burt agrees, and suddenly there's a smile on his face that is shockingly similar to the one Blaine had just been imagining on Kurt, and it suddenly makes Blaine realise that this is not only a birthday present for Kurt but for Burt too… and he finally understand the deep connection that Kurt keeps telling him about. The connection which Blaine has had a hard time understanding, as his experiences with his parents are so different. But it's there, in this mid-aged man's eyes, who looks nothing like Kurt but still exactly like him, and Blaine just wishes that he would some day be part of it.

/

Kurt is late. He knows he's late, but nothing that morning went right, and he hates to let Blaine wait somewhere alone, but there's nothing he can do. He knows how awkward that can be, waiting alone, and he wishes it to no one, but he missed his train. And when he'd called Blaine to tell earlier, he had sounded weird, not angry or sad or anything like that, but there'd been something that Kurt couldn't quite figure out, and it makes Kurt a little fidgety and anxious to find out what's going on with Blaine.

When he finally gets to their usual place, he immediately notices Blaine pacing in front of the store, looking impatient and.. nervous?

"Oh, great, you're here!" Blaine grins when he notices Kurt, and gives him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Blaine's smile is very real but also feels a little like it's hiding something else behind it, and despite all Kurt's newly found deep trust in Blaine, he's starting to feel suspicious. Blaine wouldn't have come up with a surprise lunch birthday party, right? Blaine wouldn't do that to him, would he?

Blaine takes his arm and walks him in the restaurant, and Kurt can practically feel the nervous excitement flowing from Blaine. Blaine, who doesn't seem to want to look him in the eyes.

"Blaine?" Kurt asks, frowning. "What's going on?"

"Nothing!" Blaine says, way too fast to convince anyone.

"Blaine…"

"Ok, ok.. There might be a surprise for you." Blaine says, looking a little anxious.

"Blaine! You promised!" Kurt is feeling betrayed, and completely ready to run away, because no matter how casual a lunch party it would be, he's just not ready for it, not without a warning.

"It's not a party, I promise!" Blaine says quickly, and Kurt can see he's being honest. "Just.. just come with me to the table, ok?" Kurt walks with him, a little reluctantly because he can't quite shake off the uneasiness that comes with surprises involving public places and people. They turn around the corner to the back area of the restaurant, and Kurt sees someone already sitting in the table Blaine is steering him towards.. and then it really registers.

"Dad! Oh my God, Dad, what are you doing here!" Kurt shouts and runs to the man, with the biggest smile on his face, because this is way too good to be true. He hugs the man that's always been there for him, whenever he's needed anything, and he feels the tears come, because this is definitely a very welcome surprise. The arms around him just feel so familiar, warm and safe, and the love suddenly surrounding him is like a protective wall shutting out all the bad things in the world.

"Surprise, kiddo," Burt chuckles into Kurt's hair. After a while, Kurt pulls back, and realises that Blaine is still there, standing a little awkwardly behind the two of them.

"Oh.. Dad, this is Blaine and.. why are you laughing?"

"We've already met. How do you think I got here?" Burt laughs, clapping Kurt on the shoulder, with a teasing smile.

"But.. " Kurt looks between the two of them. "But then I missed your first meeting? How could I miss the meeting of my boyfriend and my dad! I wanted to be there!" Kurt says, feeling weirdly betrayed for not seeing both of their faces and how it would go. He had been so excited for Blaine to meet his dad and equally excited for his dad to finally meet his boyfriend. Although, seeing his dad look at Blaine so approvingly now, like they're almost friends, makes him feel very happy. Blaine let's out a small laugh at Kurt's comment, though.

"Oh, believe me, Night sky, I wished you would have been there, too…"

* * *

**A/N:** I guess that's the last of Kiss me goodbye I've ever gonna write.. It was hard already, to get back to the world and the feeling.. it kind of surprised me, how difficult it was.. But, I'll be writing something else soon, hopefully. :)


End file.
